5 Alive

A trigger may be from deep feeling that you are not lovable....it's impressed on your brain ...takes time to change those deep wrong beliefs about ourselves. Trauma is like a burn on the brain..some heal better than others and use different ways to adjust. Triggers set of a series of things different for each person. The pattern of flashbacks, perhaps seizure like symptoms, a body and mind in fight or flight. In a normal persons lifetime the likelihood of each person alive having one is very high. I am not quoting numbers..look it up...lol. Mental health issues have been hidden for years and it continues...answers and research and sharing are the help needed. I had a panic attack last night.  I have medication but it went from zero to 100 in seconds.. My alters tried to handle as I am also physically unwell for some time and am weak. Well..this morning I have a whacked head...Wee and them..this ride to help??...ended up hitting head on corner of high boy dresser. Now I real...

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, dissociative and trauma disorders information http://traumadissociation.com/

I have this sad feeling with me like a rock dragging on my heart...some days it is a pebble and somedays I cannot move because of its weight. On days like this I work harder at sharing a smile or good words with others. It doesn't make the rock crumble away..it does lighten it's weight. Love, smiles and kindness lift myself up. 🙄

The five senses of touch, taste, smell, sight, feel. In my lifetime I have developed being extra sensitive to many things. Some are quite normal to many people. As I have been writing I am piecing together the puzzle of who I am and perhaps why. In knowing I understand and can create or learn new coping skills. There are some things that just are. Examples of sense plus an issue and maybe a why...; ~ taste, feel - I have texture problems..it often has nothing to do with the taste. I am unable to eat mashed potatoes, any condiments outside of cheese whiz or jam or maple syrup...no ketchup, mustard, relish, mayo, salad dressing,...no slice tomatoes, onion only finely grated (love the taste can't have the onion pieces) Food issues are big for me. I remember that I felt I could live on chicken noodle soups since being small..note..some foods don't irritate my bum issue area ..some were forced on me in cruel ways ( not my mother, I could wait her out at the table..lol..she didn...

I have been suffering undiagnosed abdominal plus back pain.trying to eat not going too good. ER trip just tells me off to Gastroenterologist Speck...I am in line...wait Suffer and wait Tonight I  have pain down to  a 7/10 and that is the best I have been in days. Months of tummy trouble. Self care is most important now.

Was at emergency yesterday..am afraid of hospital. I  switched there and Wee was out. Thank you papa for being there. No results. In line for Gastrointestinal Specialist. So much fun...

They used to call it Multiple Personality Disorder.  It is Dissassocative Identify Disorder today. Often goes hand in hand with trauma Posts Traumatic Stress Disorder. It happens as a defense mechanism. A blocking of memory...internalized...taken to a place where your brain can process. In time when it is early trauma the self will attempt to make sense of what it sees not understand..cannot handle. The self can become fragmented.  Over time these fragments of defense get stronger.  Particularly if we are unable to find new coping skills to help deter. I have fragments. All me. All protection.  They feel..they think...over time have improved their strength and division of being true selves.

I had forgotten about this wonderful man. Early in my life he was a special light. I did not see him often. He was elderly. Mr. "W" has long left this world but when he was here he touched mine. Kind eyes...always had candies in his pockets. His wife was gone, children grown..he liked to just have tea and visit. Loved to watch us kids play. I never understood that. He was just plain love. He had time and never chastised us. Actually encouraged us to explore his yard and play. Sit out with our parent and have tea.. Crazy right?!? Something wrong. I think he was almost..normal.

Over and over I died Inside My ashes Fresh For life To bloom Mine #mywords

Did you see them? Which way are they going? I must find them I am their leader 😆

On a daily basis I am tired. There is no relief at times...days of limited sleep and no deep REM. Night is a hard time for me. Not being able to see...fear. I cannot reason it away. Yes...I got busy...yes I suck it up buttercup.. The light of day comes. I fight the desire to have a long long nap...things to be done, people to see, places to go. It is work to get ready. Remember everything a normal person does ...I have routine but I have to check and recheck. Now back up plans a b c d e...comfort bag loaded...usually half the household... Check Check OK No Go No Out the door quickly to car...all of 12 feet away from the front door. Keys....fk...back  in. I am stressed and I  haven't even made it into the car. Ok Go. In car windows open. Success. The car is an extension of me and also carries goodies I may require...should I need to cut a tree down or play in a puddle...perhaps a pillow for you?? Ready. Vroom I have my eye on the prize. 4 stops. List in hand. M...

Ancient vases cracks revealed their greatest beauty and true strength They stood the tests of times yet still functional...and from the dust if earth their beauty shone Cracks never leave they only reveal truth of experience

I am awake this morning. I feel I got some sleep. Not enough but I am more rested than usual. Unfortunately someone ate something during the night that has given me stomach and bowel pain. It's a bathroom party for one. 😣 I am feeling otherwise happy and calm. Has been weeks coming. I hope the no sleep pattern is broken. It is hard to think, concentrate, on my best of days. I know that I am hypervigilant and sensitive to external input when I am with people or in mall or coffee shop etc. I already have noise in my head so the added sensory exposure can cause me an overload. Zappo I go down from it. My brain shuts down. My body gets exhausted as well. I When this happens I will lay down and try to nap. I like quiet so I may put headphones on. (SometimesI can't wear them because it causes me to be paranoid that I can't hear if anyone is coming) Catch 22. I have great hopes for some productivity today. I have a painting I am working on. I want to do some writing...

Everywhere I go I take a bag. Usually size of a school backpack. I take all the things that I may need should I find myself in emotional distress. I always have things that appeal to the other parts of me too. Wee likes a stuffed animal. She has always had a bear...now she has many to pick from. From little Sesame Street characters that fit in her hand (she rubs on her face to settle herself ) to a large stuffed bear she calls Gunther...three favorites are that and monkey named coco and a long necked bear called Goober... Maddy likes the adult colouring books so I take those things in the comfort bag. I carry medicine, wet wipes, spare set of clothes plus sweatshirt, glitter stick to distract myself, phone charger, meal supplement bar and drink, thermos bottle of hot water (soothes insides). I also have phone and paper contact list of support people. Sometimes I put more in..not often less. I take my comfort bag if I am going more than 20 minutes away from home...sometimes I take it...

Overwhelmed

If I were a war military veteran that would be seen as a hero in deserve. I got my cpp pension after fighting for it with medical reports after 3 plus years. I had worked and filed taxes dice I was old enough. I got the percentage I put in. Early cpp disability. It isn't enough to rent an apartment in my community. A room and food not much else. I am a warrior. I am working everyday to keep Alive. I have a simple lifestyle. My war was environtally. Abuse of all kinds. I have a loving family and friends. Love helps and they help financially if they can. Help me...but we aren't rich in money. And I often feel inside me that I am a burden to them and society. I had war. No orphanage or csa or sent abroad to face atrocities. I still battled. I still do. I seek not pity. I seek understanding. I am my own hero....

I believe gods house has many levels. I believe that abuse comes from a place of illness of some kind... I believe that forgiveness frees me My demons chase me. I  chose to live days forward. I share my story because my past finds me. I battled many years. It manifests when you don't be true to yourself. I forgive others. That is my heart. I have more trouble forgiving self. More trouble forgiving ignorance. I was raised Catholic...forgiveness for me is letting go...

The rain on the window Matched tears on my cheeks Streaked release Built up Now pours down The gods Hear me

2 years this month dealing with butt issues...no wonder I am not well

Got a call to go see my doctor. Have not been feeling good and trouble in different areas. End result of visit: Down 4 more pds since visit in June...calories need to be more. Doctor happy about getting what I can in. With full supplement diet as well. Sending to Gastrointestinal Specialist to have checked. Wait for appointment. Meantime Panteloc prescribed. Skin issue. New rash on elbow may be from stress. Could be from MASH hospital trip...looks like contact dermatologic reaction...trial special cream and see first. If it does not clear. Will be refered to dermatologist. My bum. The trip to Toronto hospital discussed. I am being sent to see local General Surgeon for follow up and check about nerve bulge....wait for appointment. Blood in urine last three tests...could be one of a thousand things or nothing. First ultrasound and appointment with Urologist. Wait for appointments. Go give another urine sample at lab this week. What a day. Went shopping with my visiting friend. ...

Back to local Doctor about dropping weight..unable to eat without stomach and bowel pain. Been living on supplements of protein bars, meal replacement drinks, soluable fiber and whatever I can force in. Been a physical battle that also is emotionally draining. Am really tired and feeling like a human testing ground for weird illnesses..physical and mental. On my roller coaster wear your helmet and full body armour. This is war.

So much on my mind. Great friend here visiting and helping me get through aftermath of hospital. Lots happening in my world. Turmoil in my head...not helping for sleep. Today I had a little panic attack. It didn't last long but I had to take meds to get calm. I am having flashbacks. Flashing memories are evil. So real. Then I tend to dissassocate more. Been tough days but pushing forward. Still watching for the rainbow.

Very tired. Good day. Self care required.

And now I bare my soul Exposed The depth of My being Released Vulnerable Free I am pretty rough. MASH trip has set off flashbacks. I don't feel good. I am switching lots because of butt pain. I also have a sore...perhaps forgot my latex allergy!!!! Love to all sending well wishes Enjoy my poem. April

Bad hospital trip Bad Doctor Lies Screwing with what is the truth Lost records so Doctor covering her tracks Burden of proof  -  mother....she is a silencer Mother puts down other support people Keeping control No wonder we never told about rape and sodomy and other abuse Burden of proof.... M

When I miss time...even briefly..often in some way part of me ( alter) will communicate. I often don't see right away. Some of the time the note or message will come again. They figure out technology and ways to find things...or go around me.. Anyway today I got a message via a draft on my blogging spot. It wasn't published. But it was funny. I have been losing weight and my bloodwork could be better..etc. Having a lot of trouble eating so doing best and added supplements. This was funny... Lily is drinking coffee mate for calories. Rotflmao M

Stressed. Medicated. Sunnybrook. My bum....AGAIN. Not same...no...just that spot. Nerve bulge now. Painful. Triggering me. My doctor worried about the mental effects.  Me too. Way too many things on my plate in physical and mental... Blog on...

You said you loved me. You would look after me. I loved you. We were a team. I  would do anything...anything for you. Years of believing. Believing we were in love. Lovers. You taught me how to make out. You showed me how to please you. Give a proper blow job..use my tongue.. Practice makes perfect...years. Did you finally successfully penetrate my vagina. It hurts but I will not cry... Not enough Not enough Traded for your friends sister. You knew it was going to happen...you left me...time after time with him. My protector, my lover, my team...gone. Forever. On my own.

The pungent smell of alcohol oozes from his skin. It doesn't wash off. On a binge. His eyes are red and he is talking...then yelling. Gets up..paces..sits down. Coffee table...the glass, his change and a guitar pick from his pocket. He is angry. It's at his waist. On the table. Spin spin He's laughing but it isn't funny. We don't talk. I have already peed my undies are wet. Don't cry. I won't cry. I am little. Dad's Mom not there. Spilled metal things. He is loading. Watch. Watch. He wants us to see. He means it. Someone is going to pay. Wrecked everything. Cursing Spin spin Empty Fill Empty Fill Bullets Don't cry. I won't cry.

This is about a partner to someone who disassociates. Some of it may ring true even if you are a friend or family to someone like me. Some I can relate to. Some ..like insurance stuff I skip. And Canadian medical system different from other countries. Take it with a grain of salt if you find this link The Significant Other's Guild to Dissociative Identity Disorder http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/did/did-guild.htm#contracts

https://youtu.be/Ra-Om7UMSJc Kelly Clarkeson - Because of you I don't know if the link will come up. My mother has her own trauma and we don't discuss our stuff. She is over protective...Way Too Controlling....paranoid.. This song makes me think of her. I think of what she came out of...really a story like mine...so this does make sense. Out of her fears...she held me and still does in that place of clipped wings. I still love her to the moon and back.

I told some things about my marriage to Jeep to a friend tonight. I never have spoken about it other than in therapy...that I  know of. It is hard to speak. I loved him with all I had. When things were going good we were so happy...I did struggle. In many ways he did as well. After all we had met when I was in Alanon and he was in AA I was 19. It was from Oct 3 1992 - separated officially January 2004 - divorced final August 2007. I am hoping said friend can write some of the rest????? Hey P. ☺

Discovery History National geographic Animal planet She is preparing for the world war....learning about plants and making fire and building a trapper Shack and making snares....worries...always has learned something about bush living including how to do a pelt....hmmm...not me....lol Food channel - teaching herself some easy things to cook and Where To Eat.. Dumb cartoons - nope - no moral to the story The news - was getting to be a problem so she is currently cut off watching... Wheel of Fortune - where is Bob barker..lol Jeapardy - hard but she will watch if here...with mama and papa D She has no little people. She is around older people. No sibs. No friends of her time...she gets confused. She gets lonely and sad. She time travels back to 1975...they are ok. There are still here but just not right now...

I do truly hope that you can try to understand that outside of safest of today people and safe house none of alters are out blatantly anytime..they feel me...they feel for trouble signs in the body and then peek to decide who goes. Again...since they have come this I have learned over time second hand. I AM the fkn host. I was here first and almost always if I can. People don't understand. I fight judgement and rejection and new life rules because they are now known to exist ....were always there but different as they were evolving. Patience grasshopper...we are still learning about Self. I am April. Don't be questioning that I am capable of doing things now...there are 5 of me and only (for most) one of you!

Not enough

Technology - long way from 1975 to now. She got fully out in 2006 ..I can only relay what I have been told .. She was fascinated by the skinny TV, a machine that spit out paper pictures and such (printer/copier) different food, a gazillion channels and no bunny ears and tinfoil. What is this square thing that buzzes and makes noise (she shook it and looked it all over and pressed all the buttons on my cell phone) Everything was different. And she wasn't with mama and sibs...what about kindergarten....her friends...who lived in this place (my house) was it a "safe house" and the other people Gaurds????Very confused. All these new machines she started to learn. She had time... Lady in the mirror - there is a Gaurd that lives in the walls (at my house) and she was watching because she could see her in the mirrors. She was following Wee so she must be a body gaurd. She didn't see HER face and didn't yet think or know she was in a 'big body'. When panic happ...

List of my many high school activities...a variety of interests that now make sense considering the disassociating. -sports: gymnastics                 Volleyball                  Basketball                  Soccer  (was on boys team..no                      girls team then...)                  Alpine skiing                  Cross country skiing 4H club Junior Achievement Student council Chess club MADD club Camera club Drama club I was busy. I guess between myself and the sides th...

Was not a great day. I did my will. I have been struggling with my physical health. I feel a deep need to prepare. I don't want anyone left to deal with it without it easy. Decisions. I have no children and no partner. I had a plan but it isn't to be...so I had a lot on my mind. Short story of it Panic on way to lawyers. Flashbacks started. I got my friend on speaker phone. I am trying to focus. I just want to make the office. It gets fuzzy after I pulled in. I puked. I had to get help...thanks to nephew!!! Will done . Am so tired.

Ah ah ah ah...stayin alive Throughout my life I have had some difficulty wanting to continue this journey. I get tired. So tired. Incredibly tired. The body doesn't get enough sleep. Enough hours together to have REM. My brain head feels busy. Bouncing in thoughts. I have of things going on with my physical health..my brain is on overload. Was not getting sleep. Getting more I'll.  Am on home hospitalization...that is medicate it away til stable. MASH  is Wednesday.  Then a different Doctor about my weight loss continuing  ...on the Monday. Full plate. I am out. Thanks for reading folks !

You will not take my power away from me. I will not stop for ignorance. I remember to temper my words...but I will not let you put me back in the closet. I now know what it feels like to feel the harsh ignorance a person faces when they summon up the courage to be who they truly are.

I don't know. Taking flack Now you know Now you treat me different The closet was safer Telling has hurt more It was good Then went very bad Time off Think Cry Was trying to help Was hoping to educate I made a new friend But now I am a freak You won't have me in your home I might switch Be 5 I used to watch your kids You didn't know Now you do Feeling shame Once again Doctor I press on Change my people Run away Run away I can't You know More tears So tired I beg For release

If any one of my alters contacts you feel privileged. They don't expose themselves freely. Only safe people. Almost always it will be Wee. She is truly in 'her time'. 4 going on 5 right now. They all have secrets even I don't know. They have lived in fear so they don't share their life. "Time travelling". I am writing this blog with their blessings. How do I know? We communicate on paper, text from me to me. Notes. They each put a check mark yes to talk about them. They are bright. They are kind...unless you hurt one of us...or if you piss one off. They feel. I don't know what they think or do. I deal with aftermath often. And they delete things so I may not have a clue what is going on. I was planning to have a cheap holiday.  I don't have money. I save and save and save. I am not able to have a job. I miss time. I have anxiety to panic. This is not a pleasure cruise. But it's My Ride! I make the best of it. So not safe where I was going ...