Coping ~ Going out

On a daily basis I am tired. There is no relief at times...days of limited sleep and no deep REM. Night is a hard time for me. Not being able to see...fear. I cannot reason it away. Yes...I got busy...yes I suck it up buttercup..
The light of day comes. I fight the desire to have a long long nap...things to be done, people to see, places to go.
It is work to get ready. Remember everything a normal person does ...I have routine but I have to check and recheck.
Now back up plans a b c d e...comfort bag loaded...usually half the household...
Check
Check
OK
No
Go
No
Out the door quickly to car...all of 12 feet away from the front door. Keys....fk...back  in.
I am stressed and I  haven't even made it into the car.
Ok
Go.
In car windows open. Success. The car is an extension of me and also carries goodies I may require...should I need to cut a tree down or play in a puddle...perhaps a pillow for you??
Ready.
Vroom
I have my eye on the prize. 4 stops. List in hand. Money.
Check Check
Focused. Breathe.
Omg...who let the idiot drivers out today all at once..not now!
Ok
Focus. Stop one. Gas. Smokes. Extra drink..just in case...
Back to car.
Vroom. Sit. Breathe. Three to go.
I smile I can do this. Oh oh...hmmm....need a bathroom...right now!!! Too late...nope...check ...ok..tight cheeks to next coffee shop.
Stress release over....
Back in car. Vroom Vroom.  I am tired already. Boost drink box to replenish. Yes I have an extra. Check! Ok
Go.
Stop 2 goes easy. Thank you drive thru banking!
3...not so much. Having the sweats. Tummy hurts. Gotta get this stuff done. Keep going.
Pick up items plus something...but felt like I  couldn't remember the store set up. Felt lost. Did each isle twice. Or more for some. Yes lady I am going in circles...no I am not looking for anyone.
Ok okokok breathe. Finish. Lineup. Oh fk. Is that an old lady right at the cash with her girlfriend behind her both with coupons AND change purses. Just stay put. Lines all full. Breathe. Thank of a song. I am humming. I am smiling. I feel I am going to puke...breathe. Mint.
Finally pay and out. Rain starting. Nice.
Haven't been out in days and it's raining.
Stop four and home. All is good ....no...what's that ahead? Jeez us! Road work plus accident. Turn around.
No that was the planned route. I want the planned route. Turn around. Tears. DO NOT CRY. I have mascara on. Not waterproof...for that exact reason. Do not cry or you will have a mess.
Turn around.
Beep. Beep. I am going man!
Ok
OK
Think new route. In head mapsearch in progress. Pay attention to the roads. Next right. Then right. Then left.....now right. Ok. On track. Made a square. Know my north south east and west baby!
Stop four.
One item. I cannot find but my arms are full of other things. Some I don't need ever...geez...tired
Cash...shit!
Wallet in the car and I am at the till.
Run to car
Get wallet
I am idiot. Blush flush
Pay.
Car. So close to home. Almost there.
In driveway. Whooohoo
Oh
I forgot smokes. I  gotta quit. Not today. I  can't go back out.
Make those two last....
Beat now. Want to  lay down and die. Feel sick.