5 Alive

Glasses on Exchanging you Thoughts of me Moved I hear You...regrets No. No. My friend Do not cry... We share But then Silence For safety I never told... No one And within myself I broke free In pieces Protected By a fractured mind Yet grateful Do not cry..for me.. Out for you Let free that hurt Touched I cry too Today just look forward Friend...me..and you. No tears. ~A.R. I had a visit with a lifelong friend...well we were in elementary school together. We grew up and older together but apart. Always, we have held our friendship over almost 42 yrs. As friends. Young. In our own worlds.. We often don't know the trials and turbulances of our friends. As close as we may be. No telling and silence included you...especially my close heart friends. I know my blog is difficult for many to read. I have tried to "temper" my words. My hurtful past is a series of terribly unfortunate events...hidious things that many cannot read. I forget... I blog...

Sometimes I don't feel heard. I often feel misunderstood. I feel inside some sadness and loneliness. My health. My cancer issues on hold. Time to heal. Wait.... I have so little trust of these wonderful doctors and specialists and surgeons and ... Breathe. Breathe. Do you ever just feel that it is past a line you no longer have words for?

This blog is willy nilly. Bits of this and that. Like a scattered puzzle you may never get all the pieced to. It is me, we, us. Yes. It is my story pieces. But many of you can relate in some way. Maybe it makes you think. That you read it is what pushes me to continue to share. Today was just ALoT! Painful. Pushing deep inside me out. Yep. Counselling. Today it was with a friend at Oncology. Friend saw. Friend heard. I think I lose my mind. Why do I go through this? Talking? OUTLOUD! To Someone Else😨 In front of friend. My god I am totally out of control. SNAP I miss time. I Disassociated. I don't know who. Brief. Not much. But enough I felt the missing beat because crying came to full stop. Being the Canuck I am I said "Sorry" and blew my nose. 👍 Now. I just am cooked. Exhausted. Yet. I cannot find sleep. Again. Insomnia but not. I will fall asleep Then, typically Wee and Maddy will come out. I can tell by the activity in m...

Heart in your throat. Tears leak. The drop is quick. Racing heart. Gonna be ill. Sweat clad. Terror me. Alone me. For me...add shakes...inside tremors..disassociating with or without flashbacks. These can mimic some seizure like behavior and self harm (ie; scratch self, body bowing backward, breath holding, squeeling....) Fear is powerful. Fear unknown set off worse. Panic is evil. I am learning self care tools. More! In anxiety that grows I often forget how to use them.

I came to Mexico on vacation. I go home to find out my course for cancer treatment. My plan was to be my last hurrah...It was to be my last swim. Suicide I am so done with my life. My mental health has been five years of torture. Anxiety, panic and flashbacks. Surgery pain. Sick. Here, away and out of my negative environment at home...I feel like myself. Dissassociate far less. Eat easier. No thinking about my physical health. I am wanting to leave this world. A Living Pact is a promise to not kill myself. A promise I take seriously. I made one to my friend who came with me..long ago. She cannot let me go. She is not prepared or ready. I understand. I keep my promise quite reluctantly. Last day and we fly out tonight. I am in self care. Preparing with a sad and heavy heart. Go back...