5 Alive

Watch for me In your dreams The niggling thoughts Of uncertainty Self dismantle  Ego squeezed Of value For I am Yesterdays words Hurled you saved Negativity ~A.R.* Assets  None To count With  Purpuse  Devine None needed Free love Flow Out Rich heart ~A.R.* Floating in my head Thoughts swirl Surreal moments Flash past The days Long gone Reality skewed ~A.R* The world Just now Darkness hovers In depths unknown Within my heart A sliver luminates Bright ember glow The fire of Hope ~A.R.* Cautious feet Gently tread Ears alert For sounds Of warning Nature's calls To flee Eyes wildly Search For safety Found soon For haven Wild world Shut out ~A.R.* Shredded in thoughts A lifetime jumbled The puzzle pieces Tossed like salad No reasoning ~A.R.* Wicked woman Slight wisp of smile Luring dark eyes Follow her unknown Blazing trail Set fire To life Or be stung  By her  Scorpian tail ~A.R.* The world Just now Darkness hovers In depths unknown Within my heart A sliver lumi...

Morning is here and we wake. Yet the haze of sleep keeps hoovering. The dream half there and pulling me to return.  Sleep eludes us. We are a group upended. ( DID ) One piece of past truth can blow a world of lies apart. Our life.  We are not able to see clearly. No amount of cafeine will clarify what we now untangle. A web of deceit.  An elephant to hide the elephants. A rug stadium size cannot contain this circus chain.  Our thoughts scatter only to rejoin as a puzzle undone that begins to come together. "You cannot tell" Ah, there be the rub in the wound.  A lifetime of silence to be continued. Censored by a reality of what could happen if allowed to see light. In the darkness, again. We sit and contemplate. 

The winds are blowing. Snow swirls against the window. It is a night for snuggling up.  My mind cannot settle. I can only describe it as loud.  My thoughts against a backdrop of a large vent going on in the background.  Noisy but I can distinguish nothing in particular.  My head aches. Life has been challenging to say the least.  Being strong is wearing. Need to just drop out and disappear for a bit from my world.  Escape comes in many forms. But being 5 Alive with DID means being Here is ...work.  Too many things overlapping. It's not the weather. It is not 'the Season'. It is being with the people and things that are hrre and just going far too fast.  I wish I had a shut off or pause button. Now that would be magic!!  For now it is a day. And tomorrow will be another....

(Psychology Today, NAMI sources) Trauma makes grief harder to resolve. Whether or not the trauma is simple or complex, it will reduce the effectiveness of one’s stress management systems in the brain, which can only impair one’s ability to manage grief. This impairment can be temporary (such as in the case of single trauma occurring to an adult), or sustained (as is likely in the case of complex trauma occurring in childhood). The latter is a special problem because it tends to cause developmental damage to the brain, specifically to parts of the nervous systems normally involved in managing and moderating feelings[4].Trauma always has in it loss, and that invariably leads to grief. Traumatic events disrupt the normal flow of life, and the result is NOT an improvement. If one’s memory of the trauma remains traumatic, the disruption continues and may even enlarge, resulting in ever growing loss, for which a debt of grief will be paid at some point.Trauma itself may centrally be abou...

You may not understand but where we lived was the best and most horrid of lives as a child. It was also a safe haven for some time. In it two people we consider rocks in our lives. Always depenable in the hardest of times.  Returning turned bad. Quickly we lost ourselves. We lost respect. We lost the haven and lived in 'the dungeon'. Distressing moreso was that we were losing our Rocks. They were aging. Fast.  A move was inevitable. It came.  It isn't perfect. Life isn't fabulous. It is different. Today we are making this our safe home. Our haven.

If you don't have DID this may make no sense to you. With PTSD, dealing with loss of any kind can be a longer and more trying process than it is for those without the Disorder.  Add Dissociative Identity Disorder and grieving gets extremely complicated. For this body there are 5. We vary in age, experiences, perspectives and mindsets. As with anything We are not always on the same page. We do not manuever life the same nor at the same pace.  To us the Integration sits in how We can operate together in a uniform manner.  Unfortunate for now the Host cannot hear the 'Alter'/'Others/Parts. This is due to her own traumatic moments with a schizophrenic.  Back to grieving.  We have losses. Recent deaths of an 'Aunt'  Now the death of an Uncle.  We as One grieve. Individually one is very sad, one is angry, one is not aware, one disliked the man.  This is causing distress in how we function. Our ways to deal with this busy but scattered in what is happeni...

Wonderous world Curious soul Eyes I see You and me Days to battle Days to learn Moments of laughter In darkness Hold hands ~A.R.* Laced tight Bound With speed Energy expelled In stints  Like fits Comfort found Shoes carried Mind twists Away Til stillness Calmed Fretted soul ~A.R.* Craving freedom Hardship hurdles Bound forward Burning tears Brushed aside To see my way ~A.R.* Years went past Horror and chance Terror and love She carved a way To free her spirit Experience known Shared in trust For others A must She no longer hides ~A.R.* Little by little It takes them Skin and bones To where Unknown Weighted heart Whirl of life Destiny known An end comes Slow and grim I lose My lived one Mind to body Forever gone ~A.R.* Tears streaming Stand tall Wobbly legs Fear in sadness Changes quick Life yanked Away so soon Prepare  It's time Another love A heart Stops beating To knees  I fall ~A.R* Young on this earth Yet wise beyond Struggling soul Heart yet large Desired to share Th...