Living a Boxing Match

Boxing...It isn't literal. 

Life is handing me a whopping amount of 'stuff'. Big stuff. 

Currently my pa/pops/sdad is in the hospital. He had a fall and with his grade 7/8 Alzheimers they are keeping him until a care home can be found for him. That could be many months. 

Because of Covid restrictions he is only allowed one visitor for one hour once a week. Also... no one til he calms......

My pain is layered and deep. 

The complications are also in trying to cope as a person with D.I.D. Being 5 Alive is being in 5 different 'parts' grieving. All in different spots and levels of understanding.

My pa is Our rock forever. He was safety. He was all the good stuff...

We feel it is time for us to do all we can for him. We cannot. Rules. Blockers. Agendas not Ours. 

We are dodging some "be happy..he is safe..." because it feels no better. 

Words, comfort..there is none helping. 

We would be with him day and night if he needed. We would comfort him. We would care. We are feeling awful that we cannot do these things for him. 

For many things it is over. He will be in lockdown no matter where he goes. An Alzheimer Unit. No idea where or when.

More mind boxing as we try to cope with each feeling and thoughts.

We zag we zig we hide....my ma. Her and each of us have very different outlooks and feelings. We wish that weren't true, but she has not been kind to him for years. 

Dealing with her has been more than draining. It is also a painful reminder of where age is taking her. 

They are having difficulty with him because he is very confused. I am dying inside knowing how that feels. 

Flashbacks are fierce right now. They happen quick for the most part. Others turn into full panic. It has be tiring. 

It's all mind boxing. The fight is on and we don't know what round. Block and jab through. 

We wish for a guide on coping like we are, in all we are in.