Living a Boxing Match

-
Boxing...It isn't literal. 

Life is handing me a whopping amount of 'stuff'. Big stuff. 

Currently my pa/pops/sdad is in the hospital. He had a fall and with his grade 7/8 Alzheimers they are keeping him until a care home can be found for him. That could be many months. 

Because of Covid restrictions he is only allowed one visitor for one hour once a week. Also... no one til he calms......

My pain is layered and deep. 

The complications are also in trying to cope as a person with D.I.D. Being 5 Alive is being in 5 different 'parts' grieving. All in different spots and levels of understanding.

My pa is Our rock forever. He was safety. He was all the good stuff...

We feel it is time for us to do all we can for him. We cannot. Rules. Blockers. Agendas not Ours. 

We are dodging some "be happy..he is safe..." because it feels no better. 

Words, comfort..there is none helping. 

We would be with him day and night if he needed. We would comfort him. We would care. We are feeling awful that we cannot do these things for him. 

For many things it is over. He will be in lockdown no matter where he goes. An Alzheimer Unit. No idea where or when.

More mind boxing as we try to cope with each feeling and thoughts.

We zag we zig we hide....my ma. Her and each of us have very different outlooks and feelings. We wish that weren't true, but she has not been kind to him for years. 
Dealing with her has been more than draining. It is also a painful reminder of where age is taking her. 

They are having difficulty with him because he is very confused. I am dying inside knowing how that feels. 

Flashbacks are fierce right now. They happen quick for the most part. Others turn into full panic. It has be tiring. 

It's all mind boxing. The fight is on and we don't know what round. Block and jab through. 

We wish for a guide on coping like we are, in all we are in. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Beautiful Flaws

-
Far far from perfect.  I am made up of so many characteristics. As we have maneuvered this life we know we are also a collection of flaws. Beautiful flaws as they've made me who I am.  With PTSD and D.I.D,  and just being human I've made mistakes.  I have some limitations.  Anxiety plays on me. I cannot be or do what many people can. It's a difficult path. With that does come the side of compassion and understanding of others. I can be soft and sensitive.  Empathy and kindness have grown with my awareness of these feelings and obstructions.  I can be misinterpreted as being controlling when I am just trying to protect myself with boundaries.  Flaws like shortness and impatience. I know I have these.  I have needs you cannot see or understand.  My needs seem unreasonable to you. It's me. Yes.  My ground feels unstable and I can be pushed to a place where my mind state will alter. I Switch persons inside. You cannot understand unless you've educated yourself about me.
Read more

Create Support Network

-
Support is needed in life for everyone. Alone is not easy nor practical. The saying ' No man is an island." is a life truth that we survive together.  In times of Social Distancing, with a Pandemic, this can be exremely hard. Services and groups have gone virtual or have just gone completely.  The human mind can only tolerate a certain amount of radical changes and restrictions. Many have had their lives greatly impacted. Financially, iob changes or loss, loss of family and friends to the virus, having to move, strains in relationships, and so forth.  As a society we have angst about what life is to come next as the virus continues in waves.  It is now we are in crucial need of mental health care. We need people with new coping skills. Depression, Anxiety and other illnesses on the rise. As is the number of suicides increasing.  As individuals this is a great time to learn to build your support network.  Determine first what you may need. Examples; -Friends for emotion talk a)
Read more

The Nowhere Traveler

-
There are trials, impediments, limitations, many blocks and walls in life. Everyone faces them. Each person has different coping skills and ways to manage. Some are things that cannot be maneuvered. The wall is just there.  I have a variety of life limitations. Some I manage, cope or are blocks. For me having moments of dissociation or full split away of personality D.I.D (and severe anxiety disorder) I am leary of meeting new people,  or going where I may struggle with anxiety and be misunderstood.  I don't go far, and I am always in a struggle if it's unfamiliar. I get obscene fear. I feel ill. I get ill. It's awful when I can't control the feelings. I feel disheartened, sad, and embarrassed. I cannot be or do what many can.  I can turn inwardly angry with myself.  I can be my worst, harsh, nasty critic. But berating myself does not 'fix' the inner disorder.  I have done years of self work.  I have cycles of time I feel more free of this anxiety. I don't k
Read more