5 Alive

I have these imaginary lines. Things I have learned about myself and continue to learn. Thus creating more lines. Like the "don't eat one more bite.." or " I will unfriend someone I feel crossed boundaries" ... Lines for myself are often pretty high in expectation. What is the line of enough emotional pain? Enough is enough is where I am at with both my body and mind. Some more surgery on the 9th. The Ongoing Saga from hell. (See past posts) I just have really fought long and hard. I am going to see how this round goes. The line..

The mask is heavy. I put one on day after day. Alone. I have my face. My pain. My anxiety. My depression. I push hard to keep going. To be part of this world. To contribute where I can. I am struggling to accept myself. Where am I going? What will happen with my physical health? Who am I? It has been a very long haul with my body. I feel I am no longer me. I cannot go on as I was. I blog about having PTSD with Disassociation. I am not blatent about it in my daily life. I do not wear a sign. It is part of me. My physical health has a whole different set of changes and problems. It has been ongoing so long. I have been on my own with a few close people helping. I really would like to have that special someone. I realize that I have a belief that it will never happen. Challenge the belief.... Rebuke it. I am having difficulty changing that belief.

Often we have many negative things we have been told and tell ourselves. This negative self talk can be demeaning, disarming, shaming, demoralizing. It has no basis. No truth. Easily, we are vulnerable to believing these things. The words we mentally hurl at ourselves are debilitating. Damaging our feelings of value and self worth. Promoting depression and anxiety. Where do we get these words we tell ourselves? Who's standards are we trying to meet? In the process of healing. Looking for wellness we must refute and debunk these sets of words and negative beliefs about ourselves. What are the truths? What is real about you? To debunk those thoughts make two columns on paper. Write down the negative thought then puts truths in the other column of things that you see or have done that prove the thought incorrect. Practice this to train your brain to turn those thoughts around. Lift yourself. Know that you are more than you think.

I picked myself up again. Literally pulling myself by will out of bed. It is safe. You are fine. Nothing to think about but going for your coffee. Morning semblance of roution. It was decided after two 'crying' crap days today no crying. I would avoid some triggers. Get outside. Go out. I did. I challenged myself. I went to a couple places I normally avoid like the plague. I went. I shopped. I....dallied a bit...it is normally a race. Get in get out. I actually browsed. I breathed my way through. It was not a picnic. I accomplished what I set to do. I breathed through after when I returned home. No tears. It took some doing to avoid some things but I managed. Grateful for a Success after many awful days.

Hope crawled out from beneath her rock....all clear???? A sliver of Light who called to her. Warmth took her hand. Air filled her and pushed her along. Hold on to Hope, Light said. So I did. ~A.R.

These are suggestions to keep in your tools for additional self care. ~Plush chest size comfort stuffy. Animal or pillow... A U shape pillow can also be comforting ~Hot/cold compresses, gel packs, or bean bag. Heating pad with timer. ~Herbal Tea. Hot Water. Instant soup. ~Easy foods to prepare or have for supplements. ~Favorite snacks. ~Drink enough H2o reminder ~Protein bars or a supplement if prone to not eatting enough ~List of Contact numbers. Friends, family, local helplines. ~ medications if needed ~lavender, peppermint or eucalyptus for calm and breathing ~ breathing technique reminder ~distraction ie Find it book                              Wordsearch                              Puzzle ...

She woke up sweating. Her cold had not abandoned the body through the night. Crap. Still sick. Hack, hack. She pulled herself upright. Ugh. Get up. GET UP. Waddled off for a pee. Yank on a sweater. She headed for the kitchen. Wee Ticky was still asleep in his bed. All fours pointed to the ceiling. A gaurd dog was probably not his strong suit. More a floor...or face..cleaner. This was on the Dreaded Day list. Like anniveraries of deaths, losses, bad memories. A day that just is a reminder. There are Joy Days too. This one was not in anyway close to Joy. Her hands were shaking while she poured herself a cup of hot coffee. No avoiding she picked up her phone. Immediately the Date blinked at her. Yes, she knew the day. She liked to call it Singles Awareness Day aka VALENTINE'S DAY!! At 47 she had her shared of fantastic love. That was perhaps the problem. Had she not known it she would not miss it. Too late. Loads of hearthache sat heavy on this day. A pretend smile if h...