5 Alive

1988 I was at my best and my worst.  I had my first nervous breakdown right out of highschool. I'd been pushing hard and fast for so long. Working several summer jobs with University scheduled for the fall.  It hit. It came like a train.  It was the buildup of a confused life and distraught mind. I had reached a breaking point.  Mental illness was not talked about. It was obvious I was 'hormonal' or some kind of mania perhaps.... The MD sent me to 'The Little Brown Shack'.  It was psychiatric emergency help put behind the old hospital.  Tucked in a patch of trees I began my first therapy sessions.  .  I am 18.  My hair is short for wash and go. Little make up. I am 116 pds and a little more than 5"7'.  The tears flow even as my face remains staunch.  My eyes are drawn and I feel weighted. I just want to run. To where? "Come in" he says.  A therapist. He looks 90 to me.  Tall and lanky.  Blue eyes.  Wrinkled foreh...

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Doing the best I can with what I have.  Ever changing yet not, I am trying to live in my world. I am not one. It is We. Dissociative Identities.  This 'host'...Me...is overwhelmed by our buziness and life stuff.  We have far too many balls to juggle - folks dementia - recent deaths -moved - making new safe home - creepy neighbour - friendship losses - butt pain (surviving Anal Cancer) - hip problem - poverty at Christmas - building remodelling daily noise - big anxiety - big tears Everything changes.  Too much at once is very hard navigating. As 5 we find ourselves very scattered. A dissociative system in disharmony is incredibly draining for one body.  Distraction is a good coping tool at times. We also need rest, it is illusive right now. We cook, bake, clean, draw, write, move things, reorganize, paint, draw, advocate, try yo do the Christmas things.... We look for more support, more coping skills and more safe people.  Finding we slip into agoraphobia e...

Tree add water Sea monkeys plus water Drops Grow Harden dormant  but still there Grow Some don't grow A bit of a defect....they are still there. Duds. They were supposed to expand! In childhood that was disappointment. Learned early not to expect. It wasn't only sea monkeys. Honestly they were the least of my worries.

A 'Rock' is a person we feel we can absolutely count on. A respected and gracious 'go to' that knows us well. Someone who understands mental defence mechanism. PTSD with DID and severe anxiety being our prevalent mental illnesses.  We don't know how to cope with losses.  Friends leave. People move on. People die. Reality. A long period of few supports, no life partner, add the losses of our 'Rocks' is devastating to us.  It is not a want. It is need. Security outside this body.  The traumas of being abused and abandoned...the childhood that lingers...we have attachment and trust issues. Things, places and people we recognize as SAFE.  Find within,  many tell us.  We are 5....5 Alive. That isn't how it can be..not simple by any stretch. (You can't rationalize with a five year old 'time traveler') #DIDproblems. We are learning our strengths. We work to find what may become new life rocks. We feel so unsure and vulnerable.  Just hold on for the ...

As a coping mechanism disassociation with firm alters can be funny at times. I spend some of my time in a state of anxiety and fear thus alters get more active. I am tired and vulnerable so an alter may be trying to ease My burden by being present. I do not have conscious connection with my alters..in words or action. Formethe times of them out and active are a Blackout period. This can be seconds or minutes..hours to days. What I learn is from seeing changes in my environment or from what someone else tells me. Some things alters write to me or voice record etc. This blog is dedicated to some of the funny things I figure out...or wake to.. The Funny Things I suppose it depends on what you define as ‘funny’. I was diagnosed as Disassociative at 36. It had never been apparent. Alters tend to blend or hide. They are protectors for me. Having created a place for a time of abuse to be shelyered in my mind…over time growing in their responsibilty to care for this body. Me. We...

I wrote to you.  It was so long ago.  My heart poured out so fast. In words I had emptied into a jar I had sealed and hid away. Things I stowed not to say. I wrote to you.  Unhindered words. The deads we'd done. You had yours. I had mine. We parted ways. Both in pain.  I wrote to you.  I had lost my way. Without a harbour to settle in safely I floated adrift.  My seas were filled with storms. Winds had blown up from beyond. I had no strength to paddle alone to safety. Seeking a rock to tether myself to. Hoping the storms would pass. I wrote to you. Much from Us had left it's mark. Some from you. Some from me. Together then parted...tearing apart our history. You knew my story. A life distraught. I had found peace time and again. In Us I found living. My breathe was free.  Til you silenced me.  I wrote to you.  Shut away the love. You strayed to another. Secrets hidden. Perhaps I was naive to think your heart held firm. My resolve to take what...