5 Alive

Since my teens I have been in psych therapy of one sort or another. On and off through my 20's. Into my 30's.  My diagnosis changed over time. Things become more obvious or clear. I was diagnosed with PTSD at 26. Dissociative Identity Disorder was picked up by 36.  I am staring at 50 and am on therapist/psychiatrist I don't know what number.  I have had this psychiatrist since 2007. She is a military civilian psych. I got her by miracle really as military personnel and their spouses are her focus.  I'd made a friend who was a veteren who took my file to her...she took me. Blessed.  I had a comradarie with my veteran friend and some of their fellow ptsd mates. There was an awareness and acceptance I had not felt before. On many levels we could relate in the symptoms if trauma.  This doctor understood. Over time she learned more about the DID through colleagues and seminars. Seeing me she saw the disorder frequently in motion. My 'alters' had therapy too....

It has been hard to write. There are many complicated issues happening all together.  Overwhelmed is not strong enough a word. Nor is turmoil.  These things do not come with handbooks.  Over my lifetime I have experienced , seen or heard some of the most unusual for a normal lifetime.  Some not by choice and some by choice. There have been times 'this body' (could be any one of us) has lived outside the lifebox. We want to experience it. Most of those were fun and hold good memories.  Memories of good times seem to end.  I have been under a year in an apartment in town. That has been a big adjustment. Lots is just not familiar or comfortable yet. I have been home and isolated, fear about losing my step father (my rock) runs rampant. He has fast progressing alzheimers and the doctors fear cancer as well.  Fear about what is happening with my own body due to a battle with Anal Cancer is high. I have been at this 'game' with doctors for too long. With Cov...

She openly wept He watched The end inevitable At heads No passage He could not be She could not be The expected Neither gave way The two hid Love tossed Aside to sit Both to linger In their own Oneness She wept He watched She withered In loneliness His hand Remained tucked In lost past Breaking hearts His self stance Grazed heart By love's bullet Unseen pain He hid Tears unshown She did not see Turning away She did not feel The cold Take hold Of him

@crazyasscancer  That was her handle on Twitter.  She was a stage 4 Anal Cancer warrior .  2016 Being myself stage 0-1 I had started to look for others with same cancer.  There was little information about it and it was then quite embarrasing for me to talk about.  I found @abumrap first on twitter and from there found two others.  One passed that first year.  Michelle was still fighting and out sharing, educating and writing a book.  We talked on several occassions. She was kind and inspiring.  She had a family she was proud of. She foughy for long term palliative care for cancer patients.  She living her life the best she could She passed on June 10th.  I had known she was in for a lung biopsy months ago but there had been no talk of it since.  I am still in shock she has gone. Her battle complete.  I mourn for her, her family and life friends.  For me I mourn her as well as turn to my own anal cancer. I am in the m...

There are many things going in in my life.  With PTSD and DID it gets very confusing as We try to manuever big issues we face; Deaths of safe loved ones Alzheimers loss parental Financial strain  Resurge of Anal cancer issues Severe bursitus in leg still waiting treatment New Surgeon to get used to (abuse issues) Covid backups in healthcare so long waits for visits and tests And so on... I find myself thinking back.  My mind seemingly a vault of pictures, short movies, clippings of lives past.  Some complete with sound and smell if dwelled into more of a fear flashback.  The bits and pieces memories can come faster and faster.  Many stories.  Adrenalyn heightens perhaps.  Layers and jumbling.  No rhyme or reason to my conversation.  Bouncing in history.  I have been told I become discombobulated.  In the calm these moments in reminiscing can be part of healing.  Memories as puzzle pieces.  Alter times that now brought...

Have you ever just felt lost?  My world, my body, my supports...everything it feels like its upside down.  I feel vulnerable and scared and sad and mad.and confused.  I feel like I am trapped in this as so much is out of my hands. Think positive..they say... I feel broken and lost.  I cannot find this positive you speak of.  Between tears I look for it. 

Doing the best I can with what I have. Ever changing yet not, I am trying to live in my world. Everything changes. Too much at once is very hard navigating. As 5 we find ourselves very scattered. A dissociative system in disharmony is incredibly draining for one body.  Current and lingering events Death of an Aunt, an Uncle and anothe Aunt of Covid19. Stepfather diagnosed Alzheimers and his licence taken. Sale of our safest spot. A cottage in Muskoka we have gone to since 5 yrs old. A resurgence of cancer issues. Pain and waiting.  Bustitus in right leg that isn't being treated due to Covid. Still trying to ground in new apartment.  Financial issues.  Family... Stuff stuff stuff... Spun is how we are right now. We emotionally contain then burst.  Not fun. Not pretty. Fear, frustration and deep sadness.  Outside this, in the time of a pandemic, we try to look for life. The little rays of light from people, watching wildlife in spring. Taking in fresh air. Le...