Wednesday, 13 December 2017

Arghhhh!!

I woke up miserable. I get little sleep at night. The sleep I get is fitfull snd can be ridden with nightmares.

I do take sleep medication but often fear is more powerful than them and I am up. If you know about Disassociation (DID) then you would understand that it is not always known to me that I am up and about. I have parts/alters.
One is Wee. 5 yrs old.
Wee is afraid. I have tried about everything to get this part to understand in Now she/we are safe. Nope.
She is up and does her own thing the better part of the night.

So. Today was empty cornflake box. Cereal. She ate it in 5 days!🤢
I am feeling the effects.
There have been other things and it is often. Food free for all happens.
She once ate all the raisins out of a box of Raisin Bran in one go. Every last one. 😲
She gets a note from me about these things. Problem is I don't always know what has caused my distress til later...live and learn for this system with Wee.
4 Alters. She is the youngest.
I do not see or here them.
I find out by things laying out or moved etc. Or if one leaves me a note. Or if someone sees.
It is complicated. No. I do not fully understand how alters evolve out of trauma.
It just is my defense mechanism.

On with waking miserable. ☹

It turned to angry 😈 when my car would not start. I had appointment to get to and plans for after. Nope. I got a car to get to my appointment but would have to hurry back.
I got ready quickly and got going.
Nothing felt right.
Now I was ready for tears. 😢
Fuck off tears I am driving.
So. I get to oncology. It is social worker today and after Friday in Specialist (finding two spots that have to be removed) I was just done. Tears coming while waiting.
I am not a fan of crying never mind other people seeing this. Mad snd sad and crying I make my way through some hard issues. Therapy is help. Therapy is painful.
Talking is hard.

I never want to come staight back home after. Today I had to.

Got my car going and took it for drive...battery. Hoping it is good now🙄.

I honestly feel just like it is all fucked up.
Already 2018 has two treatment procedures. One end of January and the other I am waiting for a date.
I had really hoped for a reprieve.
It just goes on and on.

My nerves. My head. My feelings about myself...
I have work to do on this.

Tired. So tired.

I keep going.
Some days I don't know why. I just know I must.

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