Home

In part the definition being the house, apartment, etc. where you live, especially with your family. 

I am a family of one body. My mother is in a Retirement Home across town. My aging siblings have families of their own. They are not close in proximity. And we are not in big contact with each other. 

For me I had the home I grew up in. The one from 4 to 21. I was married and made a home. Close to my parents. I could make a safe place. I was there even after my marriage dissolved. 

When my house was sold, I went back to my parents.  I had a boyfriend and spent usually a few days a week there. But that didn't last. I was safe at home. As my parents were aging and things were going to change I got an affordable apartment. 

I've been here 3 years.  In that time I've lost my uncle, his safe cottage that I could go to, I lost my pops/dad, the family home was sold, and my mother's in a Home. 

Too much.

I really feel displaced.  

I haven't been able to make this apartment feel like home. It's a huge process for me. I am missing my home. All gone. 

My attempts with furniture and purging,  making the place clean and warm feeling is hard. I wish for what was too often. 

They say "home is where the heart is"...I feel that deeply.  My heart is not here. I am working daily to settle myself in today and my surroundings.  

I have to block out the noise of a nasty neighbour (He is hopefully being evicted. That has certainly not helped the comfort level.) I block out city noise. I have noise canceling earplugs now. I hope they help. 

Breathe, ground and be calm. That's my goal. Comfort and feeling safe. Freeing myself from anxiety and depression. Learning the new now. Accepting it. Moving forward. 

If only easier. Just doing my best each day to feel more like I am Home.