5 Alive

The definition... The life trauma..verbal abuse of different sorts from reality manipulation to name calling...evil words early age. Sexual abuse by more than one ..marriage 11 years to an addictive person with narcacistic tendancies..total mind melt. Learning who I am. Mistakes I have made. I have self esteem issues. Some days I rock. Some not. I have been in a place of self loathing. When I was young I had bad words in my head. Raised Catholic..I fel dirty. Church fainting began I don't go if I could avoid. Love a god but no mass for me. I had shame reinforced over years. The shame today is different. My feelings about morality and self judgement have shifted. I am better at the tools to get above the shame blanket. When life situations, people, choices change..my environment can take me deep into shame. I have been physically ill for months. Trapped to a big degree. I have a sense of what is right for me. Lately I am very confused. I feel an inner self war. I want to ...

I haven't been well. Mostly in bed suffering body pain. Abdominal..no answers..try this..try that..tests.. The struggle is real. My mental health takes many hits when I feel so helpless and trapped. Childhood abuse in so many ways from too many people. It is partially a body issue as well. I was diagnosed with hpv 2 plus years ago. Anal hpv. I know what your thinking...seriously...hpv lands anywhere front to back men and women. It also has over 130 strains. Most sexually active individuals who get the virus naturally fight it off. Depends on individual and strain. The strain I got turned nasty. Although it looked like we had it..I had the type that can turn cancerous. CAN Ok. So I had about 10 nitro burns to get the warts. Remember..as a child..5 and after, I had been sodimized. Anal rape. It is a trigger to hurt there. Pause..breathe.. After the burning nitro I was left with a skin flap that was in a really bad spot. Flashbacks were frequent. Superficial, a skin tag dia...

I am ever changing Growing or not Alive Often still Learning lessons Mine

I get anxiety. I manage most often and have learned a lot about what sets me off. When it happens fast and I lose contol I am into a full blown panic attack. Fear is powerful. I will be stuck in it. Often it comes with flashbacks. I often feel a blackout state. What to do...? I have avoided the hospital. Am terried of being put in psych ward. I never have stayed in there. I have done many out patient services. From one on one therapy to day treatment group therapy..stress management, self care etc. My dad was undiagnosed but spent a few days in when I was young. I don't want to ever go. I go to my doc now or psychiatrist. I have medication to stop the body reaction. Puts me to sleep eventually. An attack is hard on my body and mind. Rest is good after it happens. So..home care. My attacks look much like seizures. My body is in fight or flight. Muscles working. Spasms. I will do what I call fish back..full back curve stuck for seconds. I am told some of these things. Some I ...

The man in the moon He spoke to me Darkness waits Sweet darling For you To see Evil lurks The stars Glowed bright Look here They say No evil Its gone Light you see Moon man  I ask Why lie In darkness Don't deny  I am lonely He spoke Join me I fear The morn It comes To snuff Me out I am here I say The stars Wait too In darkness Again We join you The man in the moon Wept tears Rain joy Together He says We fear Darkness No more ~A.R.

I cannot It is too much Being me Helping you You keep me pinned Yet do not try Being you A price I stay You guilt I buy No more Wings spread I soar Goodbye My evil friend GUILT ~A.R.

Waking blur So unsure Where am I It is morn The sun Bright I glow In its wake Groggy lift Wing poised Fly away Freedom calls ~A.R.

I have a busy mind. Is constant. Bouncing. It gets noisy in my head. Going out into a crowd can be unbearable. There are times I can't get out of an event. In order to cope I have figured out some handy tips on how to have a moment of quiet in a sea of noise. The bathroom. Perfect..no one wants to bother you...especially if you say the word....diarrhea...lol...even if you just standing or sitting quiet...take my time.. Another good spot is I forgot something in the car...no car..then say hot and go out for fresh air Avert tactics in place...always know your space when you go..have backup plan to get home. Plan A to F. I always make sure I have a friend of support know I am going in case I need to be rescued from the outting. At home and want to be alone run a bath...you don't have to get in.... Think of what works for you. It can be done. I fight the fear but am always looking for new tools to defend myself.