Health and purpose

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I haven't been well. Mostly in bed suffering body pain. Abdominal..no answers..try this..try that..tests..
The struggle is real.
My mental health takes many hits when I feel so helpless and trapped.
Childhood abuse in so many ways from too many people. It is partially a body issue as well.
I was diagnosed with hpv 2 plus years ago. Anal hpv. I know what your thinking...seriously...hpv lands anywhere front to back men and women. It also has over 130 strains. Most sexually active individuals who get the virus naturally fight it off. Depends on individual and strain.
The strain I got turned nasty. Although it looked like we had it..I had the type that can turn cancerous. CAN
Ok. So I had about 10 nitro burns to get the warts.
Remember..as a child..5 and after, I had been sodimized. Anal rape.
It is a trigger to hurt there.

Pause..breathe..

After the burning nitro I was left with a skin flap that was in a really bad spot. Flashbacks were frequent.
Superficial, a skin tag diagnosis, but was covered to have it removed because of its affect on my mental health. Suffice it to say biospsy expected to be normal was not.
Pre cancer cells level 4/5. Off to the immunology clinic and specialist in the big city. Fk. Fk. Fk. I hate the big city.
It is a lot for me to make big trips to the unknown. A real job to go. Anxiety overboard.
Well...it didn't go so good. Not any if my multiple trips or treatment. I call her Dr. T. and the hospital MASH. Although, I think that the old tv gang 4077 unit might have been better.
Today. I don't know if I am hpv free. I could have it out of my system. There is no test.
I do have a problem. A bad stitch job. Painful nerve pinch. Trigger. Trigger.
Since I have something also wrong intestinal stomach bowel...well it is sensitive. The bathroom has lots of reading material...
I am a believer..I am a warrior in life. I split person when overtired or hurt or scared at times. I turn back to that 5 year old...

Abdominal pain. A medium size cyst that is at top of my pubic bone, under. Butt pain. Add boils on inner bum cheeks persistant to damage the cells...I think my warranty is up.

Today. So limited in what I am able to do.
I can't focus long. I lay. I try to rest.
Then my purpose...I don't have energy.
I chose to advocate for mental health. I decided to open my life to a degree. Share it. Experience and lessons. How I cope..or don't. I also have found much empathy for anyone suffering in any way. I try. I am but one person.
I hope you hear me. I want smiles for everyone. I try. Even when it is difficult to find my own.
I find myself in darkness..thoughts..unhealthy choices I could make...I have pact. To live.
Sharing and caring beyond myself is so rewarding. You keep me going fellow life warriors!

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