5 Alive

Flooded by new memories as I untangle my own story. It has been rough. My body is in trauma mode trying to cope with what was. Often I keep these things to myself. These horrid memories. Flashbacks come. Repeated. So real. I don't believe. I don't trust this mind. Can that be true? So real. I know. I see. It comes with much detail. Too much. I don't want to know. I don't want to see. Unravelling is not done. Seems it never is. A lifetime buried in secrets. Hiding. Hiding it from myself. Blocked out so long. Is this healing? It does not feel so. A demon. I knew many. Memories in pieces. When was my life normal? In denial. In hiding within. Blacked out pieces of my puzzle. Clueless and oblivious I never was. I just don't know it all. I felt the unease. I knew some things too well. Abused yes. I knew. Extent and incidents buried. They surface. Triggered by an ongoing healtg issue. Stitches on your bum when you have memories of sodomy are not a good combina...

I saw a post today " What would you tell your 25 year old self?". I was quickly in thought. I have so much to tell Me. 25. I had been married 4 yrs by then. Had a good job with a local Chiropractor just setting up shop. My home was an apartment in a quiet building. With hubby and a crazy cat. We were far from rich but my husband had just landed a fantastic job and things were looking up. Lots of good friends and good times. I had terrible anxiety. My mood shifted. I had moments. I struggled in my head. Would I tell her to get ready as shit was about to hit the fan? Hey you...you are about to find out your husband gambles...and it will happen more? You are about to experience panic attacks like mad? There are good moments in between.. I would tell Me nothing. I have an array of life experiences. At 25 I was struggling but happy. Today is really not different. My circumstances and experiences are mine. They make me. Who I was and where I was at 25 was just right. Let...

I am me Bright light Complex Intricate Stained Like Glass Fragile Repaired Time Mending Find me Find you ~A.R. Looking hard Deep inside I hold the key To my own truth ~A.R. I was deluded by the illusion of promises not spoken. A view of a tomorrow that could never be. You and me. ~A.R. Love. I do not know you. An illusion of the heart. Mine twisted torn and broken. No mechanic can fix. ~A.R. The standards bar Set so high A measured stick Jump high I tried to meet The unrealistic Demands I learned ~A.R. I woke to a world lost Happiness hidden Under a blanket of nightmares Time has yet to erode ~A.R. Standing nude Facing away The mirror Tells truths I wish to hide Beneathe flesh Scarred soul Exposed Look Mirror calls Beauty I reveal ~A.R Black sky Tiny sparks Stars of hope An end Today gone Dreams Continue ~A.R. Tears slowly rolling Cheeks stained Hot pain Deep inside Release me Please ~A.R. Cold and raw Inside and out ...

Beautiful sprinkles Sparkle in light Reflecting world Time passes Some fall Fade New sparkles Form Always there My stars ~A.R. Longing for a place to be Freedom to live as self All of me No silence No fear No Judgement No more Longing to love Myself ~A.R. Daily silence Unable to bear My own heartbeat Screaming mind No rest Days rolling A bad movie I can't live Won't live Fight with might I do ~A.R. Sad feeling A rock dragging on my heart Some days it is a pebble Somedays I cannot move Because of its weight. ~A.R.

Longing for a place to be Freedom to live as self All of me No silence No fear No Judgement No more Longing to love Myself ~A.R.

I am remembering recent things that I weren't there for me.  A friend had talked about taking Maddy and Wee to  greenhouses. I started to remember some things but I wasnt there. I know I wasnt. I was gone. I missed two days. It was weeks ago Ather day about the greenhouse and I was remembering. The trees. And a purse. I don't have it all. Just that. I am also having some weird connecting with one alter. Is so vague and dim and odd. I fo sometimes feel inside their extremes in emotion. Wee crying. Wee excited. One angry. One terrified. And often nothing... Frustrating. Always new and learning. The information on DID is somewhat limited. I talk to others like myself. It is there I find my understanding most often.

I watched a young woman drown August 2015. A beautiful clear day. I was 30 ft away at most. Shallow beach can be decieving and dangerous if you cannot swim. An accident. Flipped off a float. A search. Long. Found. I watched. I helped search. Helpless... I cannot explain the gambut of emotions that day...or since. Too much happened. It was surreal. It was real. It is stuck in my head like a movie in bits. Strong images. I didn't know her but I learned about her. Heart breaking At times I feel that was a loss that I would have traded places. She had a LIFE. I work at this. To feel my value. This is part of life...dealing with death. I need to take gratitude to mind. Search deep. Like myself. Love myself Her life cut short. I am here. Use it. This time. My LIFE. Give and enjoy the moments even the crappy ones. I breathe. Izzy is gone. RIP mama wife daughter sister cousin friend acquaintance..stranger I met in death. 💜

The keeper of secrets. Bearer of pain, shame, self loathing, anxiety, fear and sadness. Anger hidden. I am that key. I hold the truth as I know it to be. I got mind fucked. I got abused in many ways. I live on. No reprocussions. Walk free while I stay quiet. It eats me to do so. Why don't I tell. Time has passed. For some too much. Some have left this earth. I don't know about karma. I am not convinced of many things about death. I know about living. Coping. Struggles. Failures and victories. Foward steps and dropped to my knees again. What if I tell? Break silence. What if... A safety I won't risk today. I do know. Silence.