5 Alive

Self care tools are numerous. Everyone has different things they may practice to help self. When in the middle of crisis, anger, anxiety, depression...I find it easy to forget these tools. Becoming mindful of this I created a set of post its and small lists put up in various spots as well as in my carry bag etc. Breathing excercise is number one for me. So easy to forget this simple exercise that can help reset my body. 4 in 4 hold 4 out 4 pause Repeat. A note up has been helpful. I focus on the words and do the exercise. Add beads or tactile distraction. I keep a trove of those types of things. From silly putty to worry beads and glitter wands...whatever works. Count. Alphabet games. A -Z people names                                         Animals       ...

In the end What will I count? The money and praise? Earth marks? Or the blessings Hearts touched Moments connected Life's beauty Love ~A.R Winging it No guide No path The truth Not revealed Risking self Blazing A way ~A.R.An entity Existing Resisting Change I do not know ~A.R. Inticated beauty He could see Unique glow A smile for him Her beauty in heart Spoke loud Her light Sparkle shared For all Eyes only For him You do not understand The path we followed To here must come light Hers there Dimmed Pushing to be So much more Bright Come for me Fellow warrior I lay wounded The fight in me Still strong Patch me up We fight on ~A.R. Anxiety looming Vicious horizon Stress mountain Patience no will Press on The path Experience Feel Frantic illusion No promise ~A.R. The need to know A sponge seeking Feed me answers For my fight I need ammo For my mind To protect My heart From evil wrath Of Cancer ~A.R. Bare foot danc...

You do not know me I am but one There are more We learn Exist in light Stay close In darkness We are them I am me They call me Lily Tiny hands Gifted child True to self Strong willed Wise at 5 She will not sleep Darkness Fear grips She will not age Trapped in time Wee In the wall Standing tall Dark Irish Black in hair Rugged kind Gentle heart Fist but ready Never used Softness Watcher Man on duty Rogan In wisdom Not years Anger She clears Her purpose Strength Always here Potty mouth Girl grown We call her Maddy It did not happen Out of the blue Trauma caused A body new Cope we did One plus four No more System love Protective lot Is us We are SPLIT She hides inside Protected Watching over We stand united Her force Her power In love We keep her safe Demons at bay Today Rest our girl

Seconds before I drown Life is known Realizing a feeling Unexplained ~A.R. Fogged in Uneducated guess Days unknown Will come Fumble or fall Run or crawl There will be Time ~A.R. She hides inside Protected Watching over We stand united Her force Her power In love We keep her safe Demons at bay Today Rest our girl

I have so much to do. I am not ready to go. When I got my cancer diagnosis recently my mind went on the flurry. A storm of thoughts. Emotions from numb to terror. I am not done. I am strong. I have never had a 'Bucket' List. Mine is a 'Living' List..always has been ongoing list of things I would like to experience before I leave this planet. Now it is a lifeline. The hopes. Dreams. Faith. Believing it can happen somehow, some way, someday. I want to stay in that frame of mind. Before I die...it is inevitable. Human. Life ends. A wake up call some say. I already got the call several times..I realy didn't require a reminder. It is. A reminder. Precious is life. Even when it sucks. When I feel at the end of the rope. I am still hanging on. Before I die...don't underestimate me life. I am far from done.

Do you remember falling asleep at the table? You always go to sleep first. Your head is on the table. Your dinner plate gone now. You finished it so fast. You wanted to go back outside. It isn't late. Light out. Gone. You are. I wont eat. You dont understand. Sleep. Bumpy funny in the potatoes. Don't eat. Please. I am too Wee. You don't understand me. Don't go please. Wake up. I close my eyes. Waiting on me. Not happy. I get my milk. I eat. What was to come is abuse. I was sexually abused. 1 in 4 girls. 1 in 5 boys are sexually abused in childhood. The impact lasts a lifetime. Many cannot speak. For them...I do.

Health is a gift. I have struggled with my mental health. Have tried to find all tools available for self care. I try to educate myself and educate others. Tuesday I got some news. A new battle begins. I have blogged numerous times about my health problems without many answers. An ongoing issue as well. That particular one has turned bad. I have cancer. The big 'C'. I am in disbelief. I was sure it was over. I was believing. Faith. I was going to be free of the ongoing problem. I just had surgery a week ago. Doc and I said bye. Lol. Stunned wore off. I fluxuate through the gambit of emotions. Sad...scared...angry..hurt...not much happy in there. Explaining is the worst. I just want to curl up and cry. I had calls to make. Family and friends who were waiting to know my status. Support has been there. The support I want is not. It is just not there. I am single. Is only so much comfort a friend or sib can give. When I am terrified I miss having a life partner. The hugs. T...