5 Alive

Omg. Omg omg.. I can't do this Brain: Get ready. Breathe. You have gone to loads of these kinds of things. Not in ages...omg. What am I going to wear??? Brain:  Stay simple. Comfortable. Neutral. Black. What do I have...mumble grumble Brain: Get ready. Breathe. You are good.                 Stop fussing! I have a battle with myself when going out. This night was a Charity Gala. I wanted to go. I had looked forward to the event. It was mental health focused. The speakers were Michael Landsberg and Sean Mccann. Natalie Harris was speaking. I have great admiration for these people. They are my peers. Mental Health Warriors. I got there extra early. My nerves were shot already but I had my mind set I was going. Alone I made my way in. Lordy a sea of uniforms. Paramedics, police, firefighters. In their best to cheer on former colleague Natalie. The support of friends so important. Part reason why I ma...

I am feeling so stressed. I am bouncing all over in my mind. No train of thought. Anything and everything has me on edge. What an awful feeling. A mixed emotion sick skin feeling. Anxiety hanging on. I have surgery Tuesday then again the following Monday. I don't want to. I am scared. I am tired. I feel very alone in this. I am living it. It is my reality. I honestly am not loving life. Reality is a bummer.

Do you remember... When I went ahead in line to take the vaccine shot so you could see you wouldn't die... When I came and stayed with you because your husband was hitting you... When I held your hand and told you just to let it out and I didn't mind snot on my shoulder... When you hurt your neck and I came and massaged it.... When I taught you to drive... When I climbed under the barn to get you that special piece... When your arm was going into a frozen shoulder and I camr to your house to do MRT on it 3 times a week... I helped you pack and move... I sent you funnies just because I knew you were stressed... I held your head and made you tea while you were sick... I watched over your children so you could get a night out.... I had you to dinner at Christmas and New Year because you had no one else to spend it with... I sent you snail mail just to tell you I care.. I gave you a hug when you needed it most and again when you didn't... I am valuable. I need to...

I have really been struggling. Almost an agoraphobic response to going out. I am in so much therapy because my mind is blown away by anal cancer and ongoing treatment. I don't want to do this anymore. It isn't really a choice. I feel trapped in myself. I feel trapped in a life I am coming to hate. Why should I keep going? I am a good friend? I have few real friends. I bought Christmss gifts for pretend friends...I wanted to feel like I have people surrounding me with love. I don't. People don't contact me. I am tired if reaching out for a quick text response of "xoxo" or "wish I could be there". Why should I stay?

I have HPV related Anal Cancer. Meaning, I get spots on the outside of my sphyncter. (They can come up anywhere sexual fluids travel, front to back. Many women get HPV related Cervical cancer. My cervix is clear.) I have spots forward that were benign and two there to be lasered end of January. Anal Cancer is spots that become tag like and the cells turn from pre cancer to cancer. A year ago I had cancer taken. Pre cancer was left. I have two areas again. I am waiting for a Surgery date. I got HPV from an ex partner. He had gone elsewhere. I was devastated then. I continue to be devastated. I can't get away from it. Everyday I have to face it again. It is a lonely, painful and frightening place. Therapy. Lots of it. I continue to barely cope. Depression and anxiety are strong many days. Sunshine comes. It does. I wait. Some days it shines from me.

I am set back. I have lots on my plate but that is not unusual. I am feeling very stuck and insecure since I stayed at the hospital lock up. It was a nightmare that has left me feeling unsafe and needing my safespot immediately. Anxiety quickly turning to panic. I had this long ago (2005) after being sick 11 month with c-difficile. I had been home too long. I no longer was managing being out. Out is a lot of stimuli. Lights. Cars. People. Things everywhere. It is the unfamiliar. Not knowing, and lack of control. How do I find my way back? Why can't I shake it? What do I do to help myself?

Dance amongst the wisps Made by angels wings On fluffy snow surfaces Dance around the fire Where the demons hide Your footsteps light Like your heart and smile With faith and hope Dance ~A.R. Power through Reach the shore Wrong way I steered Veered off My path Swim out Find my mark Clean strokes To land Again Drifting out Lost And drowning The beach calls Ride the wave To destiny ~A.R. Patching pieces Filling the gaps A newness With purpose still Perhaps heartier For the breaks Mended stronger ~A.R. Standing on tiptoe Eyes peeking Over the rail Little footprints On the stairs In fear Rushing down Whites glowing Wet cheeks A nightmare For a child Now for the woman Who grew up ~A.R. Frosty morning A cold mood to match Bitter wind Blows through her Seeking refuge To thaw A frozen heart ~A.R. Into the realm of Darkness I shone light The fear and pain drew you in Vulnerable prey I know your face It is my own We have seen this d...

Since my hospital stay in October I have been experiences after effects. When in hospital I could not leave. The stay was extremely traumatic. My big fear now is being trapped. Stuck. Unable to make choices or feel safe. I am safe. I just cannot convince myself. I have a list of to do's. Things I want to see and do. A cancer diagnosis really made me think about the important things on life. I looked at people, places and things. One was to visit our Niagra Falls at night in winter. Yesterday my step father and I headed out on our adventure. Falls. Dinner. Sleepover. Breakfast. Home. At 8 pm I could barely stand myself. My anxiety was at its peak. Home time. I had tried to get past it. The feeling was incredibly overwhelming. Fortunately my step father and I had agreed that going back home was always open option. So home we came. I felt I had failed. I didn't stay. I still feel badly. I want to be past this agoraphobic fear. I keep trying. I keep pushing. Sometim...

What am I Good At? What I can do? We are each unique and have learned many things in life. Some we are better at than others. Met set of skills is every growing and makes me ME. Often these things I do not see, overlook, or give myself little credit for. I am learning... This was therapy homework. Thus the following list. April Knows 1. I am good at writing poetry 2. I am good at helping others 3. I am good at sharing my mental health tools. 4. I make good comfort food. 5. I can search information and process quickly. 6. I am funny. 7. I have cute feet. 8. I am a good helper for old people. 9. I figure out technical or other types of projects ... can be self reliant. 10. I can paint on canvas 11. I can create something out of junk..can repurpose. 12. Good at budgeting. 13. Good dog mom. 14. Good at finding a bargain. 15. Good at remembering odd details. 16. I can bake good cookies, muffins and popovers and scones, homemade trail mix. 17. I still look good for my a...

You cannot see me I am faded into shadows Taken from light No reflection No colour I whisper...I am here No sound to be You cannot hear me Faded away Perhaps A faint Memory ~A.R. Joyous wind Brisk and breathtaking Days frigid friend Spinning gusts Of glittering snow The playground Where icicles grow The Hearty Do face The season Of sharing Warmth ~A.R. I cannot find Me It is hard for you to see I wear my mask well It grows heavy As I tire of the face That is not Real Inside I am shattering In slow motion ~A.R. Into the realm of Darkness I shone light The fear and pain drew you in Vulnerable prey I know your face It is my own We have seen this demon Fought before Now conquer together Hearts will glow ~A.R.*

Do you know who is in your system and why? Some call this Mapping. Can you communicate with your alters as learning about them and openning tbe door to them can help with cooperation...like no texting outside of a safe list of people. I use a wipeboard for questions or trying to establish boundaries. I also text myself on my phone. Notes. There is lots of information that can help you get your system to be more cohesive. Find others who understand @DiscussingDID @TheWeInMe @AFR365 @hashtagDIDchat @ivorygarden etc.  Support is key. There are online chats on facebook and twitter. As well as support groups like Ivorygarden.org. Connect and learn from each other is very helpful. They also hold a conference in Atlanta every year. Well worth joining. I suggest writing if you can and see if your system is in disharmony for a reason or reasons. They know you. You need to know them.