Going to Events

Omg. Omg omg..

I can't do this

Brain: Get ready. Breathe. You have gone to loads of these kinds of things.

Not in ages...omg. What am I going to wear???

Brain:  Stay simple. Comfortable. Neutral.

Black. What do I have...mumble grumble

Brain: Get ready. Breathe. You are good.        
       
Stop fussing!

I have a battle with myself when going out. This night was a Charity Gala. I wanted to go. I had looked forward to the event. It was mental health focused. The speakers were Michael Landsberg and Sean Mccann. Natalie Harris was speaking. I have great admiration for these people. They are my peers. Mental Health Warriors.

I got there extra early. My nerves were shot already but I had my mind set I was going.

Alone I made my way in. Lordy a sea of uniforms. Paramedics, police, firefighters. In their best to cheer on former colleague Natalie.
The support of friends so important. Part reason why I made myself come.

Coat check and I feel way underdressed. I feel so alone. I want to run.
No. I made it this far...
I find the main room and find the perfect seat at the back. On the end. If Ì needed a breather or had to go out due to overwhelming anxiety I was set. I put my bag under it and my flyer on top to show it was taken.

I got a cup of coffee and planted myself there for a time. Speakers weren't for an hour.
People were mulling around. Looking at the charity auction, socializing. Laughter and reunited hugs.
Not me. I knew no one. I wanted to fade into the wall. I clung to it then made my way back to my chair. My chair. Perfect spot.

I got more coffee.
Then a nervous pee. Back in my chair.
Everyone has been notified three times to get settled in. It is time.
As I mentally praise myself for getting there early I get a tap on the shoulder...
No fucking way!!!!!
A woman with a walker has strolled in last. Her husband and she want the end. Can I move?
Are you fucking kidding me?!?!...is my thought. My cheeks are hot and I can feel tears coming.
This happens lots.

You can't see my disability. Depression, severe anxiety, PTSD...why we were here for this event. To end stigma.

She has a walker with a seat. Did not get in early to secure what she needed....
I moved over. I should have spoke. I was embarassed.

I listened to the first speaker. Moving. Heart wrenching. Hitting me hard. When they stood to applaud I pushed my seat back and out of our last row.
I got my coat and bag and headed to my car.

Do not cry!
Do not cry!

In my car I breathe. Do not give in. I came to see. I will go back in.
I spend 20 minutes convincing myself.

Back in I don't feel better. On the edge of tears I take a spot on the wall in the hall. The doors are open and I can hear Sean singing.

Then they have a break. This break felt like days.
I see Michael Landsberg of #SickNotWeak up at the front. I really want to meet him but I am terrified. I am no one. He is talking to people.
Go. Go. Go.
I take a deep breathe and go to the front. I turn back. Then forward. Omg omg. I am shaking and sweating.
He sees me. Reaches to shake my hand. He is speaking to me but I am in terror. I mumble and squeek something out. Crap I don't have my phone to get a selfie.
He took one! Wow!

I take my hot red cheeks back to my bag. Get a pic. I really want to. I fuss around. He is talking to someone in uniform. Shit. I can't. I will be making a fool of myself.
No. Go. Go. Go.
I grab my phone and head up. Standing back I try to be nonchalant. I feel I stand out like a sore thumb.
I ask please could I get a pic. Absolutely.

I watched the rest of the night from the hall. I ran as soon as it was over.

I did it.

Without My Chair.