Guest Blog - Go With the Flow

About the Author

John Dickson - After a suicide attempt in 2014, John learned that he suffered with depression and, more recently, bipolar disorder. He live with these conditions, undiagnosed, since his teens. On Twitter you can find him as @zelandroid009. He blogs at https:/the3ofme.ga. John is my friend.

Go With the Flow

If you're reading this post you've already met April. You've been introduced to her alters and you've learned of her history. I’m sure that you’ll agree with me that April is a unique and strong woman, filled with vitality and light. She is, without a doubt, one of the most resilient people I know.

April brings light into the room. And when she leaves the room, the resulting loss of light is felt by everyone. When she retreats within herself, that loss of light is felt by her alters.

I tell you this because it was this light that first captured my attention on Twitter and then on 5 Alive, April’s blog. Her story is a difficult one that she shares openly and without embellishment. In between, she shares coping tips and poetry. They prevent 5 Alive from becoming too grim.

April’s light is more visceral in person. By nature she’s very upbeat with a tinge of mischievousness. It’s a playful quality that flows throughout 5 Alive.

Meeting and interacting with April, and her alters, places me in a unique position. It allows me to discuss her Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) as it presents in her. I make no claims to being an expert, not even of April, lol, but I can share my observations and impressions.

A note of some importance here: the personality April, herself, might be an alter. Her body is shared between alters each of whom has every right to use it. Who's to say which personality is the original? Something to consider.

I first met one of April’s alters on the day I met April. April and I'd been talking (actually April talked, I listened, lol). We paused for a brief break. I went to the washroom. Upon my return I noticed April rolling a joint. It helps her cope with her anxiety so I thought nothing of it. Then April referred to herself as she. That’s when I clued in to the fact she’d switched.

It was disconcerting. Here I was talking to someone who looked and sounded like April, yet also didn't sound like April. What do I do? Do I pretent nothing happened? Do I show that I know? What? I did nothing but go with it.

The switch was subtle and would have remained undetected by me but for that hint. That hint was the alter making herself known, something she didn’t have to do. Even in this, though, she didn’t identify herself by name. Only by how she referred to April was her presence known to me. I now understand that this act of not announcing herself was itself an act of protection.

Neither she nor April knew how I'd react. Would I call her insensitive names, would I be freaked out, etc? But the prior conversation created enough comfort for her to appear.

Later, another alter appeared. She was younger, appearing to be more fragile. Again, though, the switch wasn't detectable until she allowed it.

What did I learn? Firstly, that alters are unique within themselves. Each has a distinct personality and demeanour. They, and they alone, decide whether or not to appear. Revealing themselves ties into their purpose: protection. April had become extremely anxious and her alter was trying to calm her. Secondly, switches are often undetectable despite what TV or movies would have you believe. Dramatic effect is just that and shouldn't be confused with reality.

I also learned that alters have unique personalities. Maddy, who I met that day, speaks differently than April. The language she uses is quite different. Her posture has subtle differences. The same can be said of the second alter I met, Wee.

A brief note about names. Some names are chosen, while others are given. I don't know which is which with April, lol.

Since that day, I’ve had the privilege of interacting with each of April’s alters, Maddy, Wee, Lily, and Rogan. At times they've explicitly identified themselves and at other times not so much. Frequently, but not always, I know who I’m speaking with. Each has a distinct personality and role. Each has a different age and a different history neither of which may have anything to do with the trauma that created them.

Another brief note. Initially when an alter appeared, and I knew who it was, I'd address him or her by name even if no identification had been given. That was wrong of me. Alters have a reason for not identifying themselves and it's my job to respect that.

Which leads me to little bit about DID. DID is a mental illness. The person with this illness presents with two or more distinct personalities that share and control that person’s body and behaviour. The primary personality, that I call the host (this is my term only because I don’t know what else to call it), will experience gaps in memory caused by being absent while another personality is in control. This is often referred to as losing time. The group of personalities, that is, the host plus the alters form what is referred to as a system. The personalities may or may not be aware of each other. If there is some awareness, this is co-consciousness.

I reiterate the point made above. Each personality has the right to control the body.

My layman’s understanding is that repeated severe trauma before the age of six has caused the original personality to shatter. The fragments that result may lead to the development of an alternate personality.

April’s alters aren’t hallucinations nor are they delusions. I’ve interacted with them so I would be the one who is hallucinating and delusional. I am neither. But what this tells us is that DID is not schizophrenia where hallucinations ordelusions do exist.

Alters protect. Typically this means they withdraw from violence, not engage in it. People with DID are as unlikely as anyone else to engage in violence, again notwithstanding what TV or movies suggest. This might also be explained by the fact that most of those that have DID are believed to be female.

Back to April. As I said, I’ve interacted with April’s alters. I’ve observed differences in expression, differences in posture. But only when the alter wants me to. There remain times when the alter will hide his or her self from me.

Similarly, I’ve seen the alter step in to protect, our first meeting, for example, and on numerous other occasions. At no time did protection escalate to violence. The protection isn't just of April. It's also of each other. Maddy is protective of Wee, for example.

April's alters share co-consciousness between themselves but not with April. That being said, April heard a constant noise, chatter. Maybe that'll lead to co-consciousness between her and one or more of the other personalities.

So, how do you interact with April? You go with the flow. She’s a complex woman, with complex personalities. More often than not you’re interacting with April. Once in a while, a bit more frequently of late, you interact with the alters. Again, the alter that is present may not announce his or her self, but that’s ok. It’s done to protect.

I've repeated myself frequently but that's deliberate. DID is hard to explain and harder to live with. And I've had the privilege of seeing it for myself.

Joh Dickson is a