5 Alive

I saw a post today " What would you tell your 25 year old self?". I was quickly in thought. I have so much to tell Me. 25. I had been married 4 yrs by then. Had a good job with a local Chiropractor just setting up shop. My home was an apartment in a quiet building. With hubby and a crazy cat. We were far from rich but my husband had just landed a fantastic job and things were looking up. Lots of good friends and good times. I had terrible anxiety. My mood shifted. I had moments. I struggled in my head. Would I tell her to get ready as shit was about to hit the fan? Hey you...you are about to find out your husband gambles...and it will happen more? You are about to experience panic attacks like mad? There are good moments in between.. I would tell Me nothing. I have an array of life experiences. At 25 I was struggling but happy. Today is really not different. My circumstances and experiences are mine. They make me. Who I was and where I was at 25 was just right. Let...

I am me Bright light Complex Intricate Stained Like Glass Fragile Repaired Time Mending Find me Find you ~A.R. Looking hard Deep inside I hold the key To my own truth ~A.R. I was deluded by the illusion of promises not spoken. A view of a tomorrow that could never be. You and me. ~A.R. Love. I do not know you. An illusion of the heart. Mine twisted torn and broken. No mechanic can fix. ~A.R. The standards bar Set so high A measured stick Jump high I tried to meet The unrealistic Demands I learned ~A.R. I woke to a world lost Happiness hidden Under a blanket of nightmares Time has yet to erode ~A.R. Standing nude Facing away The mirror Tells truths I wish to hide Beneathe flesh Scarred soul Exposed Look Mirror calls Beauty I reveal ~A.R Black sky Tiny sparks Stars of hope An end Today gone Dreams Continue ~A.R. Tears slowly rolling Cheeks stained Hot pain Deep inside Release me Please ~A.R. Cold and raw Inside and out ...

Beautiful sprinkles Sparkle in light Reflecting world Time passes Some fall Fade New sparkles Form Always there My stars ~A.R. Longing for a place to be Freedom to live as self All of me No silence No fear No Judgement No more Longing to love Myself ~A.R. Daily silence Unable to bear My own heartbeat Screaming mind No rest Days rolling A bad movie I can't live Won't live Fight with might I do ~A.R. Sad feeling A rock dragging on my heart Some days it is a pebble Somedays I cannot move Because of its weight. ~A.R.

Longing for a place to be Freedom to live as self All of me No silence No fear No Judgement No more Longing to love Myself ~A.R.

I am remembering recent things that I weren't there for me.  A friend had talked about taking Maddy and Wee to  greenhouses. I started to remember some things but I wasnt there. I know I wasnt. I was gone. I missed two days. It was weeks ago Ather day about the greenhouse and I was remembering. The trees. And a purse. I don't have it all. Just that. I am also having some weird connecting with one alter. Is so vague and dim and odd. I fo sometimes feel inside their extremes in emotion. Wee crying. Wee excited. One angry. One terrified. And often nothing... Frustrating. Always new and learning. The information on DID is somewhat limited. I talk to others like myself. It is there I find my understanding most often.

Tip 1 1. Breathe deep and slow 2. Feet planted standing in rest position. If you can't stand lay on firm surface or sit legs uncrossed. 3. Think of five things within proximity to you. Picture their shape,feel, texture, smell, colours...Do each item. 4. Pick five items you regularly see in nature.... visualuze shape, colour, feel etc... Did you relax? Tip 2 I have distraction items to focus on ~ A sparkle stick that has glitter that moves in it. Watch it. ~ soft twinkle lights. I have a strand on my dresser. I have a bulb that puts moving stars on the ceiling. I have a moon light glows on ceiling. I have a colour changing lamp. ~ worry beads. I use for counting when I can't focus. I use for mantra over and over when I can..repeat positive affirmations to myself..like "I am safe" "I am strong" my favorite is "I am Warrior Woman" ~ comics. I find on twitter or facebook or just online. I also have my favorite comic books at hand. Calvin and...

Yesterday grabs me. I don't seek it. I have worked and continue to work on today"s behavior and actions or reactions. No changing where I have been. For my tomorrows, not promised, I have lists. Goals dreams and wishes. Some are short term..like finishing a project or writing a friend. Some are the things that seem unattainable today...like travel. It is important for me to also remember to focus on the NOW. Being mindful from my breathing to my accomplishment each moment. I must feel it. Live it. I have homework that I got as part of my therapy and I have expanded the work to my self care and keeping a list of tips to remind myself when I am not doing good. Today is so important. I need to remember the smallest life gifts. Feel it. Live it. Be it. NOW