Monday, 15 April 2019

My day

The day started off tired. I felt this way regularly. Probably close to 7 yrs of being up at night. Thus, mornings are a bitch!

Java. Coffee. I pour it in with hopes of being more alert, to no avail. I play on social media. Answer a few messages...maybe..hard to think in the head fog. Nope...can't stay up.

Nap.
That's right. I have to sleep. My eyes are too heavy.
An hour and a half. That is about how long that sleep is. I am probably at a total of 5 hrs now.

Dragging my ass. I force myself to shower and dress. I just want to go back to bed.
I pick a task. There are plenty to chose from as I live in the 'packing for a move' space. What shall it be? Clean a bit. Knit. Pack a box. Errands?

I want to go out. I want to stay home.

There is an anxiety building.

Tension in. But I can hide in my area.

Out is noise and people and sometimes it can be too much. Out is freedom from the daily tension tho.

I feel a sort of defeat.

My attitude could use some positivity.
I need to be in laughter. I need to feel confidence. I need to feel safe by myself and with others.

I am not my diagnosis. Not any of them. Labels that point to how I am. Deeper is who I am.
So many labels do give me a feeling of Damaged. Broken. Unlovable.

The mantras are ;
I am perfect as I am.
I am beautiful inside and out.
I am worthy of love.
I am strong and brave.
I can do this.

The days are what they are. I can just do my best.

Thursday, 4 April 2019

Ooooh my Arse

Yes my arse. My butt. My anal area. Butthole. Ass. Yes.
It is in pain. I was cut end to end
Yes it was a cyst and benign this time. Good news.
Being cut 8 to the area means at week 4 it is still raw and healing.
Stitches across stitches.

Add hip and pain at tops of femur.
They are none too gentle when positioning to work on the butt. 😳
Mine are inflammed and screaming pain.

Today I am angry, lonely and tired.
It has been almost 6 years of this and I did not ask for ongoing life with Anal Cancer (look it up).
I just want to get out.
Be better.
Depression hovers.

Resiliancy is the only way.

The rope may be burning my hands but I haven't let go.

Night Terrors

Dreams that are bad are nightmares.
Up it a notch and a person experiences Night Terror.
Often a product of trauma of one sort or another.
Events distorted by the haze of fitful rest. A guise of sleep.
Entering distinct clear visions.
Perhaps pieces of the past strung together in nonsense sequences.
Trapped with all senses seemingly raw and alive within this dream.
A dream. But a dream.. but not.
Screams seem piercingly real.
My dream...my terrors.
My life alive in night terrors.
Jumbled and frightening.
I will wake abruptly, soaked in sweat, heart pounding.
Anxiety will grab on as I am vulnerable. Defences down.
Often I weep for what I cannot change.
The desire to go forward is sapped of energy after nights of terror.
Strings of these and exhaustion happens.
No cure.
I do my care. I have meds. I keep trying and working with my therapist.
Hold on to hope each time I put my head down that this night will be free of mind fear.

Flight of Mind

Don't make a move. Don't even breathe. Pretend you're invisible. (Like sitting out in the living room was totally not noticable.)
Shhhhhh... my mind was busy working on my predicament.
Who was I fooling?
I was caught. No place to run to.
Face it head on!!, the mind says.
I could feel my palms go sweaty with anticipation.
Chin up girl, I tell myself.
It's just allergies not tears....
Oh hell, how bad can it be?
(Thinking commences...)
I know....
I just know!
It can be a nastiness like no other.

I say nothing. Heart racing.
Fight or flight kicks in.
Hot cheeks.
Anxiety...coming fast.
I can't slow.
I gotta go. I just have to.
Panic is coming.
Set off. I am triggered by the fear.
Not knowing what will happen. Not stable. Unpredictable.
I feel ill inside and out.
Hide.
Hide.
Run.
Mind on fire.
I take flight.
Dissasociated.

Flight of Mind

Don't make a move. Don't even breathe. Pretend you're invisible. (Like sitting out in the living room was totally not noticable.)
Shhhhhh... my mind was busy working on my predicament.
Who was I fooling?
I was caught. No place to run to.
Face it head on!!, the mind says.
I could feel my palms go sweaty with anticipation.
Chin up girl, I tell myself.
It's just allergies not tears....
Oh hell, how bad can it be?
(Thinking commences...)
I know....
I just know!
It can be a nastiness like no other.

I say nothing. Heart racing.
Fight or flight kicks in.
Hot cheeks.
Anxiety...coming fast.
I can't slow.
I gotta go. I just have to.
Panic is coming.
Set off. I am triggered by the fear.
Not knowing what will happen. Not stable. Unpredictable.
I feel ill inside and out.
Hide.
Hide.
Run.
Mind on fire.
I take flight.
Dissasociated.

Wednesday, 3 April 2019

Living List Pool

https://www.paypal.com/pools/c/8c1lgBe7R

Pinned twitter
@AFR365

This is a fund to accomplish some of my living list while I am able. Please have a look. Any amount helps. Sometimes you just have to ask for what you need and hope.

Up on my list:

Train to Quebec City
Butterfly Emporium Cambridge
Toronto Aquarium and iFly
Tour to Tobermory/ Manitoulin July

So much I would love to see and do. People I would love a chance to meet.

🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞

Friday, 29 March 2019

The Way It is

Don't make a move. Don't even breathe. Pretend you're invisible. (Like sitting out in the living room was totally not noticable.)
Shhhhhh... my mind was busy working on my predicament.
Who was I fooling?
I was caught. No place to run to.
Face it head on!!, the mind says.
I could feel my palms go sweaty with anticipation.
Chin up girl, I tell myself.
It's just allergies not tears....
Oh hell, how bad can it be?
(Thinking commences...)
I know....
The demons of yesterday are all over me. Todays life is sending me into waves of clashing times.
I push back tears.
I just know!
It can be a nastiness like no other.

Saturday, 23 March 2019

The health update

He took 2 , 1cm areas, was supposed to be 1 2mm and a small tag...
Hope he got it.
Was drugged and froze and home.

Meantime...
Post surgery.

Not feeling good. Bad night. Ptsd triggers. Terrified what is next...
#nocancerleftbehind

Worrisome. Get results in two weeks.

Scared.
Angry
Confused
Hopeless

Feeling suicidal.

Results are in!

Cyst takes and large cell area cleared.

Benign this time. (Cut 8 this area on. Pre to cancer to pre...)


Anal cancer does not leave so I will face it again and again. Today I got some freedom time for 4 months...fingers crossed.

Healing. Grateful for all your support
#nocancerleftbehind

BUTT I got my eye on it!! A few months of freedom and do my Living list. Then back to oncology for check.


What I can handle

A lot.

They used to see me as sensitive.
Soft and kind with some spunk.
I can handle far more than they knew or know.

It is not in pride I say this but as a truth.
I am more than you know or understand.
I may say what I am facing or coping or I may not.

I can make my way somehow.
(DID add the helpers)
There is backbone here.

I am learning that the strength can also be in asking for what you need. ( Like having your friend keep you distracted from self harm during a bad set of days).

It isn't always pretty.
I get to a messy place and mind space.
I am still here.

In my life..
The pre cancer is a waiting volcano that has no stop. It will return and cancer is on my path.
Time.
Use it wisely.

Do I fight my depression and anxiety? Daily.
I am.

Never underestimate your power. We each have this deep in us.
Find it and use it.

Be brave.

We can handle it.

Words Released

Her long frame
Curled in a swirl
Legs tight to chest
Unfurled to long legged beauty
Soft skin pressed closer
Seeking safety
Desire to mold to near one
Being your tangled mess
Caressing night
With heatbeats
Joined
~A.R."

Fire bright
Lighted circle
Swaying flames
Smokey sparks
Cold night
Embrace warmth
Embers hot
Dazzled Eyes
Glowing cheeks
Catch her
Lock eyes
Depth heated
Wanted soul
Fire bright
~A.R.*

Clanging chains
Whipped frantically
Twisted together
Swung furious
Dasterdly wind
Plays havoc
With swings
~A.R.*

From her thigh to her hip.
He grazed with his lips.
Up her side.
Laying kisses along the way.
His hand tangled in her long hair.

Pull back in a jolt.
He woke.
But a dream she was.
~A.R.*

Send me peace
A mind at rest
Trying hard
To do my best
Cruel world
Illness dwells
Body fight
The cuts ands swells
Soon release
It will come
Meantime I live
Another day
~A.R.*

From past to present
It comes over me
In waves of memory
Thrashing my mind
A time long gone
Hauntingly real
For it had been
I lived it
Repeating
Only in my mind
Yet fear still comes
To sit awhile
Remember
Let go
I did
It didn't
Flashback
Then gone
~A.R.

Graziing lips
Forehead kiss
Sweet love awaken
Brown eyed babe
Unconditional bond
Fur baby
You are
My comfort
~A.R.*

Elephants boogie in my head
Noise loud could wake dead
Painful thoughts they hold
Remembering where we've been
Fearing the tomorrows
Time on loan we borrow
Dance Elephants to your song
Of sweet pain and sorrow
Our herd shall battle again
Tomorrow
~A.R*

Dance with me
My shadow
Lead or follow
Life music
In steps
Tentative
Flowing
Forward
~A.R.*

Thursday, 21 March 2019

Disconnected

I am struggling.
I feel like I cannot feel anything.
There just is too much I am shut down.
My mind is everywhere and nowhere.
It is going "Too fast for the Slow Parts" in my life.
I have been melancholy much of my day.
That has gone now as I am worn.
Depleted.

A twitter post I made today...

Fk you cancer
Fk you depression
Screw off suicidal thoughts
Back off anxiety
This is my mantra today!
#SickNotWeak #nocancerleftbehind #KeepTalkingMH

Tonight no fight left.
Yet again, I cannot get myself to sleep.
The disconnect from self begins.
Tonight I am aware.

#DIDprobs

( I will fragment and a part/alter will front and be awake. Doing their own agenda. Perhaps this brain is protecting me from nightmares tonight...sigh.)

Thursday, 14 March 2019

Post - Surgery Wait

March 7th Surgery was more cutting than expected and deep.
The pain meds give me nausea and badly puffed eyes.

It is now the 13th and I stopped the pain med. Tylenol and Gravol now.

I have had so many to date this time I asked a great friend to come help and watch out for me here.
I feel very lucky as the recovery has been very hard and I have no energy.
Glad I asked for help. Grateful.

So many twitter peeps have sent love and support.
Kind words help so much.

Another week til I get my results.
Fear.
Cancer sucks.
This type is ongoing.
What's next??
I am tired and scared.
I don't feel good.
Time.
Wait.

So hard.

Friday, 22 February 2019

The 'No' Word

There are so many things about me and my life I do not share.
Lots I have done my therapy time over and some not.
It is mine. Mine to decide if and when I share.

I can say No. It is something I am learning. I am not unkind for doing what is right for me. It is extremely hard as I am raised on put others before yourself and No was not acceptable.

The next part of that is, No Explanation Required. I always feel I need to justify my No.
Truth is no need to give anyone a reason for your boundary. It is not their business to mind.
It exists and there it is.
No.

Throughout my life I grew 'hangups'.
Many are fear based.
Not all realistic.
These are blocks to doing things. Feeling things. Eating things. Staying certain places.
Too many to list if I broke it down.

Some of these I have gotten ahead with or lapsed again...it is an ongoing process.

When I screw up enough courage to express No I really mean it.

When No needs an explanation and I have none to give, that is now your problem not mine. I do not have to fill an expectation.

I try very hard to not use Promises. I know I have agoraphobic tendancies as well as stimuli anxiety. Good days and not good. I cannot always do what I want/wish I could.

Telling you my background so you get the why is the last thing I want to discuss.

It has to be just No and learn as we go.

Come too close and push too hard and I will shut down. In turn I will not keep allowing it and I will shut you out.

Now if you remember I am plural. DID. Keeping this in mind we as a bunch in one body do not always have the same thoughts, feelings, or agendas.
It isn't just about protecting my boundaries and being comfortable to say no for me..there are 4 more.
We must each have some of that ability to say No.
Another part may be completely offended and give you the boot.
It has happened.
I believe it is for the good of the whole body. I tend to go with it.

No ...probably one of the first words a baby learns. The now hardest to say.

Deep thoughts today

Context and meaning.
I have been in contemplation over this life I have.
Deep grooves line my forehead and silver kisses in my hair all show time put in. Earth being.
Mostly land bound.
The years of memory often are blurred. Aging is not stoppable.
Nor would I wish to go backward.
If I left this world today have I lived a tale, fairies and dragons, worth sharing?

Contemplation.

I have been in deep reflective thought about the rest of my life story.
What will be?
I have hope and dreams
Aspirations
Desire to Inspire
Is time on my side?
What can I pull off as my physical health changes?
How will my mental health respond?

Breathe. In 234. Hold 234 Out 234 Pause 234.

The fear of Forward in my life shoes can be gripping.

I am going to leave a mark on this world somehow, some way.
I have scratched it's surfaced and fought hard.
Doing my best along my way.

Deep thoughts and pondering.

I have been mending for days after surgery and now waiting for results. Scared for sure.
(Read about my physical health in other posts)
Warrior, strong and brave...others have said.
I am not feeling it.
I will. I will.
Heal and feel.
Do what I can.

Breathe.

Breathe and rest.
Another day to be all I can Tomorrow.

Sunday, 17 February 2019

It's My Table

My life.
My story.
My table.
I invite you to sit.
I will also decide what happens at, in, or around My personal table.
I decide.
For me.

Saturday, 9 February 2019

It's never too late to say "I am sorry"

So many things done and said leave hurt that lingers.
Owning behavior an illusion for some. Abuse left unspoken.
From a child to adulthood I have felt the many levels of betrayal and indignity. Apologies that will never come.
A few heard.
Some not real.
Some geniune.
Many to let go of.
I cannot live in vengence.
I cannot seek retribution.
To guilt or shame would not serve me.
I work on myself.
My own reactions and behavior.
I try to own what is mine.
I make mistakes.
Refection is only to be aware.
Often I have let those past hurts continue to hurt me.
I do carry some.
Lingering.
This is life learning.
I am not always sure who the lesson is for when I suffer.
The offender or the offended.
My wall rises and falls.
Uncertain of who or what is safe.
Why me?
Do they knew what mess they left behind?
Now my mess.
It's never too late to say you are sorry.( ? )
If you do..be sure your actions match your words.

Monday, 4 February 2019

You could be Poor

Poverty.

There are many levels. None are good.

Even in a developed, democracized advanced society the poor exist in masses.

There are Canadians cities big and small with homeless in crisis.

There are physically and mentally ill doing without proper living conditions or healthcare.

Veteran beside addict who had been a lawyer.

There are some who have shelter but qualify for limited assistance.

There are the working poor who live on extra jobs to put food in bellies. No benefits. There is not enough money month to month as prices go up and their incomes do not.

Poor is not a choice for the majority.

I am one of the ill and poor. My budget is tight. I learned to scrimp. I mend and make do. When well I create different arworks and sell in my allowed top up. It isn't much but I save it for my living list (living with cancer I am trying to fill some of my wishes).
As changes in my health press I know some things I need to do very soon. Yet I am not quite well enough to create arworks too fast. Frustrating.

Make a wish...to not be poor today.

Thursday, 31 January 2019

Trigger Warning The Girl 🔒

She is running to the swings. The spinner is too full. There is no one to share the teeter- totter with. She doesn't know most of these kids. It's a tournament. Dad's coaching.
When really bored she runs the far sideline. Adults know her. Some watch after her. Dad is somehow with OPSA.
Today coach. Other times he refs. Soccor/football.
Weekend tourneys were long for. Shuffling along. She needed a drink and a pee.
Parents and organizers had some motor homes at the pitch.
She didn't know who to go to. Where was she supposed to go?
Shy. She walked by a few times.
Lawn chairs were lined up but most were over cheering on theiir teams.
"Hey there! Are you needing something?"
It was a man. A face she vaguely knew but didn't know. He was with OPSA. It's the mid 70s. She is about 7.
"Ahh.." Her.
"Your Slivs girl. You know me. You need a drink?"
"I need to go bathroom" says the girl.
He took her into a RV. He was talking nice. She wasn't listening as her bladder was past full.
Things got strange. He watched with the door open to the little bathroom.
She hadn't noticed he had locked the RV doors.
Unsure she just got on and started. She tried to look away.
He was quiet. She thought he had to pee too.
She was taking so long he pulled his pee pee out.
He held it and moaned.
Swore. Still pulling on it.
And a terrible looking pee came out.
Her face blanched. Trouble.
"Bad girl. Get out."
Bad.
She went quickly.
Swings. Go to the swings.

(Why can't I see his face? This is a flashback. Not me. I have DID)

Friday, 25 January 2019

Catch a Break

Respite.
3 glorious days away.

No details for you!!

Suffice it to say it was rejuvenating for me to catch a break from my normal days.
Away time.

I have learned some things about myself. I got some rest and energized.

Then it ended.
Oh, it ended and ... boom...Reality.

I am in adjustment mode.
It is an uncomfortable feeling.
Worry has returned and anxiety is peeking out.

I will endure and I will bounce back.
I have a deep reserve. A strong resolve.

Just keep going. Backward or forward, these are still steps.

Do You Know The Way???

Some days I feel so lost.

I am upside down and inside out.

Scattered like puzzle pieces. Some facing up and many not. I don't even know what I am putting together as I have lost the picture.

What is my goal?

In the moment stay, they say.
I can't.
I can't get there from here.
I don't know how.
I don't know how to get it calmed.

Yes I have myvtoolbox of tricks out. Self care. Breathe. Distraction. Stretching. Sit still with tea.

I don't know how when I am like this. I keep going to my toolbox. Repeat. Try again. Do it different. What more? Which way?

I have complex mental illness issues. I am well aware.
I do my very best.
At times this spinning does occur.
The brain is 'frazzled'.

How can I cope?
Can I get it straightened some, my wobbly footings?

Do you know the way?

Thursday, 24 January 2019

I Want to tell you this

My life has been under pressure.

I feel constant stress. Some is inside of me emotionally and some is outside circumstances.

I press on.

Lots of difficulty facing days, especially when I had days of waking anxiety. I run on little sleep.

The second Split movie came out and my DID community is taking hits.

Do I go back into hiding?
Stigma is harsh.
My city not huge.
Am I safe to continue sharing and helping others?

I will continue.

I have made myself a voice for a reason.
Educate one by one. Write about Disassociation etc.

I was away with a friend for a few days. It was a wonderful time. A much needed visit in the presence of a real friend I can trust. I got to breathe. I calmed. I slept.

I want to tell you. It only took one day after taking a time out from my environment that my anxiety returned high, tears again, feeling scared....
No sleep.

My mind is so loud. So much I try to wade through.

I want to tell you...
Thanks for sharing my journey.

Wednesday, 9 January 2019

Muse


He was her muse
Hard
In all the riight places
She put him through his paces.
A world he craved
She opened the doors
Loving him
Briefly
Knowing this time was short
He grew wings
Loving her
Not wanting to fly
She lead him
Away
And said goodbye

Monday, 7 January 2019

From me

Holy moly! I cannot belief I am back to fighting depression for my life. Anxiety has been a beast.
I have hit that line. Sucide. It wasn't a pretty few days. With the help of medication and a great psychiatrist I got through. I was right out of my head over an upcoming oncology appointment. Having been surviving Anal Cancer for 5 years has been absolutely life altering. This is in ways only an abuse survivor could understand. Invasion. I cannot free myself. Pain.
In some ways it is multiplying trauma.
How I got this...I forgave.
Today...holding the 'bag of crap on fire' by myself just is a lot to handle.
I will. I can. Holy moly. I don't know... breathe.

Thursday, 3 January 2019

She Was

She was wild and bold.
Some thought she was out of control.
She took risks, but not life or limb. She was all about The Experience.
Life.
Out of the box.
Testing new waters just for shits and giggles.
No harm, no fowl her motto.
That girl was freedom.
Unleashed but in control.
A sense of confidence.
She lived in laughter for the outside eyes. She held back her own tears.
Forging a new path was not easy.
This other side was her outlet.
Lost in so many other ways.
Scattered inside.
She needed release.
Relief came in a reckless abandon.
But only to her.
No harm, no foul.
She brought new views...opening hearts and minds around her.
Ask her and you would not believe.
Many things to her checklist.
Life Experience.
Outside the box.
Freeing for moments, from a place of hidden pain.

So many Questions....🙃

How many pictures do you carry in your head?

What are the words you have but do not speak?

How many memories where you found joy?

Is there curiousity still in you?

Do you see all that you have accomplished?

Do you realize you are unique as a human being?

Do you struggle but push on?

Can you fun play as an adult?

Are you open to trying new things?

Have you shared and cared?

Do you reach out when you need support?

What are your interests?

Can you stay in the moment?

Do you give yourself praise?

Do you use your old lying self loathing self talk?

Do you know your truths?

Have you given out love?

To Cope 🤯

Lordy my life...

It gets hectic in my head. I am trying very hard to stay in the moment.

Life has many challenges for me.

I have to cope. So staying in the present is so important for my sanity. The rest combines, jumbled, scary...let it be when and where it is. To not bring a future oncology appointnent into now. Just today. Just right now.

What do I need? How do I feel? Task at hand. Not back. Not forward.

Analogy;

If you are riding the life river a foot on one raft and a foot on another will only lead to a spill out. The rafts being Yesterdays and Tomorrows. The spill is on Today.

So. I took my hanging calander out of plain sight. Then it isn't baiting myself into worry.

I have taken out and dusted off my yoga matt. I know the basics. It works for meditation and set quiet time.

Routine. I am building on that. I have little pieces thar are routine but much of my life has no structure. I will make it part of my daily goals.

Focus and calm. I can get there.

Wednesday, 26 December 2018

20 Questions??

Go ahead and ask.

If you want to know you need to ask.

Are you curious?

Are you wanting to learn?

This is how we know is to ask.

Ask the source if you can.

Reliable answers help.

Questions are good.

Do not expect an answer or an snswer you like.

That is reality.

Open your mind some.

Ask.

You will be amazed at what you could learn.

Saturday, 8 December 2018

Mishmash

Daylight hit
Eyes open
Fresh start
Moments
To enjoy
Breathe in
~A.R.*

Wiggley possum
I see you there
They call you ugly
Yet I love your hair
Four come to my yard
Safe to feed
Watch the wild
Feeling lucky
Seeing life
~A.R.*

Oh Mr. Racoon
Why do you come?
It is daylight out
You son of a gun
Get down the ditch
Where you are safe
Waddle away
Fat bottom boy
Eat tonight
When people sleep
~A.R.*

When you are just out.
Out of words
Out of energy
Out of touch
Out of patience
Out of will.
Think..
What do I need?
~A.R.*

Peaceful tears
Let go
Lost time
Fake world
You lived
Mask on
Now free
Release it
Calm self
Find sleep
~A.R.

Shattered heart
Pieces strewn
Puzzled love
Lost without
Coming together
Mended self
Beating pulse
Patched
Yet giving
Life
~A.R.*

Slowly tread
Like a thief
Quiet steps
Stealth body
Toward light
Thin crack
To see
Pulse roars
In my head
Get out
Right now
Find safe
Door open
Flooding tears
Relief gasp
Air in
Run away
Terrored mind
Not real
Just stop
Feet planted
A flashback
~A.R.*

Up I got
To face the day
Anxious start
Push through
I try
Protesting mind
Tells me
I can't....
Liar
~A.R*

Shattered heart
Pieces strewn
Puzzled love
Lost without
Coming together
Mended self
Beating pulse
Patched
Yet giving
Life
~A.R.*

Her song is bright
Like her eyes
Hopeful
A tune
For better days
~A.R.*

Looking for the door
A maze I can no longer do
Manuever my out
Free me from this puzzle
I never asked to play
Who's game is this?

The sun will rise
From darkness
A lift, only to say
The day begins
Adult.. means up
Get going
Fight back those tears
Choke down fear
Swallow self loathing
Slap on a face
Not yours
~A.R.

"Doctor, Sir
My heart
No test can see
It is broken
I tell you
Doctor, Ma'am
Please fix it
The pain
Too much
I beg you
So bad it hurts
It leaks out
My eyes
Doctor, You
Cannot heal
My wounds
I feel
What they
Cannot see
~A.R.*

We were hiding
Then came out
Stand on our soapbox
To open minds
Topics society shunned
Silence be broken
Each brave soul
To stand up
Soapbox high
Hear now
Change is coming
The elephant
Is Free
~A.R.*

Tiny one
You were lost
Long ago
A place
In time
You stay
In me
Holding secrets
Of my past
~A.R.*

The 'Elephant' still lives here....

Dysfunctional families exist everywhere.

We do what we know until we learn differently.

Ignorance, silence, secrets, sarcasm, judgement, shame..they continue in my life.

Secrets are the Elephants we try desperately to hide.
Silence.
No communication. We don't speak of things in fear...
Of what?

It is a terrible feeling.

This closet is suffocating.

The pressure to not Be is too much.

All of me screams to run away.

There is no place to go today.

Safe is relevant.
Situation stuck.
No fix in sight.

Damn you Elephant.

Monday, 3 December 2018

The 'Costs' Today

Horrendous to have any medical bills as a tax payer all my life. A Canadian.
Beyond the money the costs are high emotionally and physically.

I have anal cancer. No quick fix. Cut it out til we can't.

I have been fighting for years now.

No advocate.
Blindly going along.
Mistakes being made.
Going from doctor to doctor.
I often feel like a guinea pig.

My physical pain is a constant. Thrre is nerve damage, plus whatever is going on that I have an appointment to see the specialist in January about.
I expect to be booking surgery as that seems to be its pattern.

I have a little dog. My Therapy dog. He has to have dental surgery.
This is more financial stress.

Sometimes life does give you more than you can handle. Somehow I have always made it through. I will again.


Monday, 26 November 2018

Missing You

I am thinking about you a lot.
Perhaps it is because the Holiday Season is here.

Winter is a cruel yet beautiful time of year.

We shared so much. Was a good life we had going together.

I could love you forever.
I did.
Then it was over.
Gone.
I never really recovered.
It has been years.
Seems like yesterday.

I miss the laughter. I miss your smile.
I miss the talks and the banter. We were a team.

Often I feel how I failed you.
Failed to fill gaps you needed help with. Honestly, I tried with my all my heart.

We were going to grow old together.
We were living and learning together.
Gone.

I am growing older alone.
Trying to live.
I still am learning.
I don't cope well.
There is no one at my side.
My hand is not taken.
I can only hold myself.

I mourned you.
I mourn again.
Time has not erased you from my heart.
Gone.
Not forgot.

Sunday, 18 November 2018

Find them on Anchor

"ShirleyPodcast (1 of 2)" from The We in Me on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/TheWeinMe/episodes/Author--Advocate-Shirley-Davis-9-e2eu34/ShirleyPodcast-1-of-2-a6evks

This is a fantastic podcast focused on Diassociative Identity Disorder.
I spoke to Erika on this in October.
@theweinme on Twitter.
This guest @shirleydavis has authored books that are also very informative.

Wednesday, 14 November 2018

Broken wing

Wounded bird

One winged

You cannot fly
Some think

Why don't you die..
What use are you..
What can you do..

It healed some yes

Still not just right

I see you bird

We fight a broken fight

One winged perhaps
A change to life

Adapt to cope
We do in strife

You never know
My feathered friend
In time we may find
A fix to mend

~A.R.*

Tuesday, 13 November 2018

Flowing Lines

Piled up
In white
Trees sparkle
Untouched sheet
Land asleep
Above awake
Birds flutter
Nestled in
Branches safe
Fluffed for
Warmth
Winter morn
So calm
~A.R.*

Lying beast
In dark shadows
It waits
The vulnerable
Naive to presence
Of danger
In depth lurks
An evil energy
Born within
This body
A human
Being
Growing particle
Anxiety fast
Turns to panic
The
Beast's feast
~A.R.*

Swirling mind
Thoughts unclear
Slow yourself
Take a moment
Breathe
Secrets untold
Not mine
Unfair hiding
I cannot tell
It is
Not mine
~A.R.*

Morning came
Rolling over
A night
Distraught
No sleep
So long
Burning eyes
Meet glaring
Day
~A.R.*

We took up a battle to show that we care.
Lost in war for the freedom of many.
Those who returned to carry the valour earned. Yet never the same as people for war is atrocities we cannot forget.
#RememberanceDay

Stay awhile
My world
Unfamiliar to you
Misunderstood
By many
See fragments
Flying free
Scattered mind
Feet still
Planted seeds
Growing wisdom
In pieces
Stay awhile
~A.R.*

From past to present
It comes over me
In waves of memory
Thrashing my mind
A time long gone
Hauntingly real
For it had been
I lived it
Repeating
Only in my mind
Yet fear still comes
To sit awhile
Remember
Let go
I did
It didn't
Flashback
Then gone
~A.R.

Thursday, 8 November 2018

Rough Go

I am having a rough go.
Things at home are bad. I am overwhelmed as things decline. My step father has been really sick with a cold....he is my go to person that has always been stability. Him getting older and sick is a huge triggers.
I have tears just writing this.

There is a big loneliness in me that is so painful. D.I.D.  ...having 4 alters that also feel...I have often felt like I experience 5 times the "normal" emotions. Sadness and fear in particular.

You know that my health, with ongoing cancer stuff, already has me questioning living at times when my depression is at its worst.
Last year at this time I was just out of hospital after suicide stay. Those 13 days left their mark. I struggle with going places. Being "trapped" in any way. Even just having no way to leave an outting to go home immediately feels trapped.
I am extra sensitive to things I wasn't before that October in hospital.

Brings me back to my folks. My mother changing moods and my step father quickly aging... all of his 85 years catching up to him. My mom being hard on him surely hasn't helped.

I get bad thoughts....
I want to go before him.
Yes. Suicidal.
I am getting help.
No. I am not thinking that today.
I was.
I know that I have purpose. I know it will get better. I am strong.
Phew...

I know that is an earful...or eyeful to read.

I have inner pressure (alters) I can feel pushing all this out. I guess we trust you. I guess we needed to share this.

It is far away friends like you that have kept me going. I have few face to face friends here. My siblings aren't close. Days get long and hard.

Lately I have been missing more time. Meaning alters are filling in. I know they are protecting me.

I am pushing through. I take heart knowing that even my own brain can do something to try to help me cope. I am not saying D.I.D. is fun...I just understand that I got it for a reason and I can get through things as I am.

Sunday, 28 October 2018

No Sleep

Keep pushing along.

No sleep though.

No sleep.

I have not been sleeping at night for quite some ttime. Unless I am away an alter will come out and be up all night.
I live in an apartment in my 'growing up' home.
There are many triggers as just being 'home' takes me back to lots of memories of all kinds. It would for anyone.
A particle set of memories create night fear.

Lots has changed since I was here full time last. I left when I got married just before my 22nd birthday. That was 26 years ago now.
I have lived here 7 years. The last 6 have been most difficult. As time passes it gets worse.

No sleep.

I go back to bed after being up early morn. I am sure the body had less than an hour by then. So snooze again for 2. Then I am up but dragging my butt with heavy eyelids. I just want to sleep.
I am on a new medication for pain I have been having in my hips and pelvis. Gabapentin. It also has a side effect of drowsiness. Hear hear I say! Awesome. Just let me sleep...

I stay up until I need to nap. I close my eyes but really don't sleep. I am thinking of the things I should be doing. Oh, so many things.

No sleep.

Up again. I try to accomplish even one task. My apartment is a disaster.
I am up on housing (geared to income) list. Yes...I have been waiting since that notice for over a year. Thus, I am half packed. Things are in total disarray.
Recently, having hosted a Mental Health Event, I had 15 boxes in my area that I moved my things around to make room for. Those are now gone but I have to pack the rest of my own things so I have not cleared those filled spaces. A small square of counter space remains unused.

No sleep.

I have dinner and find myself in front of the tv. I try to do something. Read or draw. I play with my dog. He is ready for sleep.
As the days get colder we feel the nesting coming on. We have had snow already.
I stay awake as long as I can.
I am not sure how much I get.
The cycle of the body being back up continues.

Dissasociative Identity can be very frustrating when a part of that system won't agree to sleep.

Nope.
No sleep.

Friday, 26 October 2018

Words

A dim bulb
Only this
The dark
Feels draining
No sound
Yet loud
Bear it
I bend
The weight
Soul crushing
~A.R*

I decide
This is my journey
I need to fight
To go where I want
To find what I need
Doing it is my choice
I will not give up
Today

Taking flight
On wind
Leaves fallen
Swept up
A flurry
Of colour
Swirls away
~A.R.

Her eyes so deep
Inviting warmth
A gleam of devious
Yet soft in spirit
See her soul
Through windows
Lenses of life
To her heart
~A.R.

From past to present
It comes over me
In waves of memory
Thrashing my mind
A time long gone
Hauntingly real
For it had been
I lived it
Repeating
Only in my mind
Yet fear still comes
To sit awhile
Remember
Let go
I did
It didn't
Flashback
Then gone
~A.R.

Shades of fall reflect off tears that drop to puddles.

Thursday, 25 October 2018

That birthday

I put my face in the corner...any corner would do. Hide the crying I could not stop.
On and off like a tap all day.
Shopping. I hoped it would distract me. As the tears flowed and people passed buy with their bags of purchases.
"Pull it together" I tell myself.
I just can't I am weeping.

It's my birthday. October 23.
Honestly, the inconsistancy of my entire life has made birthdays a hit or a miss. This one was extra hard.

No planned Ripleys.
No planned dinner.

I had already started in a rough place and I could not shake it. A bad series of flashbacks. Nightmares.

"Get over it...just get past it. Let it go."

A year ago I spent my birthday in hospital.  It was my 13 day stay for suicide. It was not compassionate nor helpful. Having Disassociative Identity Disorder was not understood. My days were very hard and quite scary at times. Some I do not remember and some a blur.

I do remember my birthday for the most part.
At 8 am that day I had some surgerywith biopsies. Frozen only. I went back to the psychiatric ward.
There really are too many incidents to get into. It was traumatic.
It was a couple of friends that really made it a survivable birthday there. Xo

This year it just hit me hard. My day went awful. Again a friend got me through. Let me cry. Did what they could try to turn it around.

In the process a light switch in some place within me went on.
No longer pure darkness.
The tears stopped.
It was a few things together, I figured out later.

It is amazing how things can get turned around....

I now will celebrate my living another year another day.
I now see a value in myself I had not.
I will fight for my happiness.

Share your Sparkle! 😁

Tuesday, 16 October 2018

Podcast

Listen to April & The Crew- Functioning as A System from The We in Me on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/TheWeinMe/episodes/April--The-Crew--Functioning-as-A-System-e2bt2o

Sunday, 14 October 2018

You bet I did

I pulled it off. A mental heslth event to raise awareness.

The Faces of Mental Illness

(I)llness to (We)llness

I was host and MC.
Through exhaustion, stress, anxiety, I spoke off the cuff and felt strong enough to get it as right as I could. I spoke from my heart. Strong and clear.
Yes. I astonished myself.

I did not raise the hoped funds for CMHA Simcoe County.

The total is not in for sure.

Having not planned an Event of this magnitude before I had 120 seats with wanting 'bums' in them.

I have a soft heart and gave many tickets away.

I had several vendors that had Mental health related things to sell (raising funds for their own charities) So I paid for added space and chairs to accomodate. One vendor showed. I had not charged for tables...

Half my seats were empty. Also several who had reserved tickets not paid for sat unused or paid for.

Yes...(the low turn out) this lowered donations dramatically. Draw tickets sold but was not anywhere near what I had anticipated.

UPSIDE

My thanks to all who made their way.

It was truly an amazing night.

I honestly hope it helped you in some way.

Hard work done. Goal accomplished.

Speaker headed back to Chicagoland.

Thank you Natalie Harris, Erika Reva, and Michael Landsberg for speaking their truths.

Thank you to each who donated books, draw items, artwork and poetry as well as time to help make this happen.

Time out.

I did it.

WE DID IT 😉

Monday, 1 October 2018

Speak to me

I want to hear you.

I know we are  in the darkness. I feel the tears on your cheeks. Your pain resonates through me. Tearing you and me apart inside.

It is now. But that past lingers. A cloak that often gets heavy. We pull it off and freedom comes. Even in the darkness it feels like light.

You are screaming. I want to hear you.

Your story is silent. Please tell me.

Where did life take you?
That time I cannot see. So long ago. Yet it stays within.

Eyes open. I know you are there...but not. A memory has you. Locked in a piece of time.
You shudder and wail out.
I want to hear you.

There is no sound. I feel you. Your pain is mine.

A letter to an Alter (DID)

Monday, 24 September 2018

Write It

Layers unravelling
Hidden beneath
Keep peeling
Away the shell
Inside
The core
All layers gone
Reveals Nothing
~A.R.*

Lies and deception
Land of no honour
Turning backs
Self agendas
Look up
Look away
Look inside
Where is the Win?
Grab hands
Hold tight
One world
One fight
~A.R*

Traced around
Innocence shattered
Like porcelain white
No tears to shed
Trace the line
Make the shape
Once held this soul
Forever lost
~A.R.*

Morning comes
Darkness hovers
Broken mind
Shattered heart
No magic
Slow heal
~A.R.*

Wednesday, 12 September 2018

Where am I? Where I am

Where was I?

Some days...not as of late, but there were days I woke feeling good...long ago I had days of great and a period of rocking it.

Inbetween always came the nasty, bury my head, waking anxiety or full panic, spinning minds, tears, fears and doomed, with "it's all a catastrophe just play dead".

Often I was in a place that Dead sounded as if it called. "Free yourself. Unshackle yourself...come..leave that living hell..
Sleep the neverending sleep."

I have had several plans in my life of going out that door with Death. Somehow, most often a person or several have pulled me out of that place in my mind.

I am closely approaching another birthday. A bittersweet one at 48. My last was spent in the psych ward for suicide. Much was in my life that felt I was done. I could fight no more.

It was hell. I have no words...I am still suffering for the 14 day stay. Terrifying.
Our local hospital. Long ago it had been a place of help. They had outpatient services for adults. Time with social worker. Programs.

'SAVE MY LIFE SCHOOL" by Natalie Haris is about a program this hospital did. I know because I did it in 1989 and again (twice back to back) in 2006. It doesn't exist as it did.

I had to have my own release plan to be signed off to leave when I stayed.
There is no follow up but for 15 min psychiatrist for med adjustment or emergency.

Burns my ass this community I reside in continuously is out raising money for a government funded youth mental health center while no one is doing anything for those who have suffered years. The adult care is cut.

I regress.

Where am I?

I hate it. I hate that. I feel angry.

It is changes.
I am scared.
I feel unsure.

I am distracting.  One month to big Event I somehow have planned and am executing with help.
Nervous...anxious...firm in my goal.

Then Ahhhhhhhh Terrified.
I will do it. It will be ok. 😳

In my mental health I am struggling. Fighting the inner and outter battle. It really is a total bummer.

My energy and motivation are nil. I took a rest pj day and felt guilty as there is so much to do.

Oh ya. Gotta pack. A move will 🤞 be coming we just going to get a surprise call. Be ready.

Financially I manage. Yes. I am poor by dollar standards. Fortunate I am good at make do. I have well based money fear and a healthy respect for it. I would still love to send smile packages but the cost for postage got ate by a medicine not covered. Yes...this is Canada...surprise, we pay out of pocket for many things.🇨🇦

Health a couple tests but I think I am on the reprive until January. I am ready to turn that whole deal off but you don't tackle cancer issues by ignoring. ( So I have been told. 🤔

Loneliness is my companion.
If you figure that out....🤣😂

Tired is what I have right now. I seem to have it constant. Lulls of energy. Not much. I am fighting the darkness. Anxiety is regular. I am getting as much help as I can.

The key to Where I am is the Will to get to the next part.

; My Story isn't over.

Tuesday, 4 September 2018

Worth/Alone

Who would want a relationship with me?

I am suffering from mental illness. I fight for a happy moment.

Physically I continue my cancer journey. It is not pretty.

I am often alone. It is very hard.

I want to live out my "List" of to do's. I want to share that with someone special.

I have a few good friends. Busy lives of their own.

I snuggle a teddy bear and extra pillows.

I often think this is not much of a life.

I fear that I am not ever going to feel that kind of love again.

Damaged goods..

Wednesday, 29 August 2018

Me, Mental Health, and Cancer

I have an ongoing cancer.
I had my 3 month check.
I haven't been feeling right...
I have more tests which is always stressful.

I feel so many things.
I need a break for awhile.
This choice is mine in many respects
I am surviving Anal Cancer. It is similar, in some respects to skin cancer. Mine starts small as spot and spreads like little cauliflower along the surface and then inward. If left its progression will be a huge risk to my sphyncter.
Colostomy....
Mestasis....

For me it is a lot of unknowns. Oncology has brochures on all kinds of cancer but not mine.
Information on the web is not always reliable or accurate or does not pertain to my scenario.
There are few specialists in Ontario. The treatment available here is not as forward as other places.

I feel so much.
I feel numb.
I feel devastated.
I feel confused.
I feel.

Spin

Thursday, 16 August 2018

A poem

Throwing away lines
No standards or boxes
She tossed aside it all
Raw and exposed
An end of chains
Imposed and self enforced
Series of Masks
Scattered
And here she whispered
"I am lost in the dark"
~A.R. *

Wednesday, 15 August 2018

🔒Mad...about You and You

Mrs. Sasquatch was of the western dark clan. Her hair dark and course.
Mr. Sasquatch was a light brown. A thinning head with grey throughout. His clan was from East.
This distinction is important. Their clans were certainly had great history of bloody battles.
Time had not healed many rifts. It had become almost innate to turn on each other.
At first love had them blinded to each others falacies. Time wore off the cuteness of the others behavior to absolute disdain.
Perhaps it was age. Whatever the case to be witness to the disintigration of what was once love is heartbreaking.
One verbal bashing after another. Slick sarcasm and sharp tongues.
Then silence. A wait in tension for the nasty to raise it's ugly head.
Aging can be cruel. Sharing the moments is very important as we enter our final phase of life.
The Sasquatch couple...aging badly
I see and hear in sadness.

Friday, 3 August 2018

Waking Anxiety-Days...

I have waking anxiety. I have been struggling with depression. It has bogged me down. Lack of sleep. Worry for worries sake. Life circumstances and I am overwhelmed by my life.

Stuck in a place that I am falling further in depression.
It is great for another to say "just think positive". What you think and what you feel do not always match.
I want to be positive.
I want to feel that happiness.
I want to smile brightly from my heart.

I have darkness. Rolling fog.
I cannot find the positive switch. Flick it on. I can fake it. Looks good on the outside but dying within.

Waking anxiety is brutal. I am running before I have lifted my head. Heart racing, sweats, tight chest. Fear on me with a mind feeding it.
I breathe. Do slow stretching to distract. I tell myself I am ok. I am safe.
Reality is not so much that way.

Many parts of security are comprimised.
My freedom...I live in apartment with my aging parents. Yes I have mental illness. It does not negate my abilities to look after me. As I have D.I.D. and alters I am well equiped. I have for 47 years.

My choices for home..I need to move and I am on a list. The wait is not determined..nor where I will be located.

My little dog for therapy is not certified...will he be ok to go with me??

I am surviving cancer. Watching and cutting. I leave my hair grow because I have it until things worsen.
Last surgery was April 9th. I know things are not ok. Pain in a fresh area. Sore in a way I have come to see turns not good.

A part of my thought is that I don't want anyone to touch it anymore. Leave me alone. Let it grow. I don't want to go for more cuts. Or anything at all. Go Away!!

Part knows it can't be left. It could go very bad and colostomy certain.
Fk fk fk. There are no words for all of this!!

Keep going. You are strong.

Waking anxiety...It needs to stop. No day should start that way.

To all of you who follow me...who care..my friends..family that honest in caring...send me the push to keep on.

I am #SickNotWeak. I will #keeptalkingMH

Friday, 27 July 2018

Enough of Me

I cannot be more than I am.
I can stretch my limits.
I push beyond my comfort.
I will not please everyone.
I must please me.

Knock me down.
Not enough.
Hurt inside for this is all I have.

I gave.
To depletion.
I took time to rebuild.

Torn down again.
Not right. Not perfect.
Expectation not met.

I am me.
One person.
Hurdles behind and hurdles again.

I can only walk my path...often I crawl.

See me.
Accept me.
Enjoy while I am here.

That is all I can do.
Focus on what is.
In moments.

Saturday, 21 July 2018

Blurbs of Words

And then there was silence
But never in her head
A confusion and flurry
Within her
~A.R*

Survived
Survived
Again
Survived
Life's course
With risk
A list to fulfill
Survive
Before
Eatten alive.
~A.R.*

Of all the things I knew
Of what I'd learned
The life experienced
Much still illlusive
My heart
Searching
An answer
Does it exist?
~A.R.*

Held back
One only
Holding so much
Running
Freeing
Shedding away
Yesterdays'
Dropped
And disappated
The tear
~A.R.*

I won't be your puppet
I am nobody's fool
A promise is a deal
Let's be real
I be as I am
Do not misunderstand
Reach deep
To understand
Be there
No games
No deals
It's now for me
Let it be
See
~A.R.*