Monday, 10 February 2020

Clarity

It became so clear. 

A truth I had tried so valiantly to avoid. 

It was staring at me. 

Crazy Eyes was there. 

It was apparent his mind was lost. 

In swirls he was stuck in repetition. 

Tone of frustration turning to anger. 

Something I had seen so long ago had resurfaced but differently. 

It was dementia. 

Severely out. 

It had him. 

My heart clenched. 

Tears streamed and stained my cheeks. 

I felt raw and exposed. 

Human facing the downturn of life. 

It's harsh ending. 

Unsure. 

No path. 

Taking him in bits. 

Now quickly. 

He felt foreign to her. 

This man. 

Her father. 

Friday, 17 January 2020

The first "Therapist"

1988 I was at my best and my worst. 

I had my first nervous breakdown right out of highschool. I'd been pushing hard and fast for so long. Working several summer jobs with University scheduled for the fall. 

It hit. It came like a train. 

It was the buildup of a confused life and distraught mind. I had reached a breaking point. 

Mental illness was not talked about. It was obvious I was 'hormonal' or some kind of mania perhaps....

The MD sent me to 'The Little Brown Shack'. 

It was psychiatric emergency help put behind the old hospital. 

Tucked in a patch of trees I began my first therapy sessions. 


I am 18.  My hair is short for wash and go. Little make up. I am 116 pds and a little more than 5"7'. 
The tears flow even as my face remains staunch. 
My eyes are drawn and I feel weighted. I just want to run. To where?

"Come in" he says. 

A therapist. He looks 90 to me. 
Tall and lanky. 
Blue eyes. 
Wrinkled forehead. 
Bright smile. 
Longest arms I have ever seen.....

I follow, up a set of stairs to a loft like office. It's bright and there are regular armchairs and a loveseat. He has a chair that rolls. An old desk. 

I take the comfotable chair by the bay window.
The room has a homey feel. 

His phone rings.
"I am very sorry. Give me just one minute."

I take the time to fidget in my chair. Taking in his degrees snd books, nick knacks and pictures. He was eclectic, I decided. 

How is this old fart going to help me?!?! 

My mind spun. Lost for a moment.


"April?"
"What were you just thinking?"
"Nothing..."
"You can speak here. It is alright. I don't bite. Do you smoke?"
My back went up. I was ready for the lecture.
"Yes." I said firmly. My eyes said... Do not challange me today Mister!

"Wonderful!" He threw open the window and pulled two ashtrays from his desk. 
"We will get along just fine" he said, as he lit up. 


Friday, 3 January 2020

From Wee

Isme
Ibeedweeisayhievribodee
Tankyouferredinbowtus
Yousbeedhapy
Igivdyosawlbigisthugsansmils
Deycawlmewee
Ikintymtravals
Iseedbifordistymdeysaydlontymagos
Idonoikingoedder
Denigetsspitidowtheer
Wesgotstosardisbodee
Godsrundowt
Losanlosigetsfraydees
Iseedbadtings
Igotstidhertidwaydbad
Ibeedgoods

Monday, 16 December 2019

As We Can

Doing the best I can with what I have. 

Ever changing yet not, I am trying to live in my world. I am not one. It is We. Dissociative Identities. 

This 'host'...Me...is overwhelmed by our buziness and life stuff. 

We have far too many balls to juggle

- folks dementia

- recent deaths

-moved

- making new safe home

- creepy neighbour

- friendship losses

- butt pain (surviving Anal Cancer)

- hip problem

- poverty at Christmas

- building remodelling daily noise

- big anxiety

- big tears

Everything changes. 

Too much at once is very hard navigating. As 5 we find ourselves very scattered. A dissociative system in disharmony is incredibly draining for one body. 

Distraction is a good coping tool at times. We also need rest, it is illusive right now. We cook, bake, clean, draw, write, move things, reorganize, paint, draw, advocate, try yo do the Christmas things....

We look for more support, more coping skills and more safe people. 

Finding we slip into agoraphobia easily, we force ourselves out into society. It is holiday season and busy-ness in all forms around can be trying. 

Senses get distressed with overpowerment. Earplugs help. It can help to find refuge in a corner, foyer or bathroom stall. When it is enough then home. Ground in safety. 

So hoping things slow and focus returns. Self care and find rest as it comes. 

Carry on.

Expectations

Tree add water
Sea monkeys plus water
Drops
Grow
Harden dormant  but still there
Grow
Some don't grow
A bit of a defect....they are still there.
Duds.

They were supposed to expand!

In childhood that was disappointment. Learned early not to expect.

It wasn't only sea monkeys. Honestly they were the least of my worries.

Monday, 9 December 2019

Losing My 'Rocks'

A 'Rock' is a person we feel we can absolutely count on. A respected and gracious 'go to' that knows us well.

Someone who understands mental defence mechanism. PTSD with DID and severe anxiety being our prevalent mental illnesses. 


We don't know how to cope with losses. 
Friends leave. People move on. People die. Reality.

A long period of few supports, no life partner, add the losses of our 'Rocks' is devastating to us. 

It is not a want. It is need. Security outside this body. 

The traumas of being abused and abandoned...the childhood that lingers...we have attachment and trust issues. Things, places and people we recognize as SAFE. 

Find within,  many tell us. 

We are 5....5 Alive.

That isn't how it can be..not simple by any stretch. (You can't rationalize with a five year old 'time traveler') #DIDproblems.

We are learning our strengths. We work to find what may become new life rocks. We feel so unsure and vulnerable. 

Just hold on for the unfolding of what may come. 

Saturday, 7 December 2019

Alter Funnies

As a coping mechanism disassociation with firm alters can be funny at times.
I spend some of my time in a state of anxiety and fear thus alters get more active. I am tired and vulnerable so an alter may be trying to ease My burden by being present.
I do not have conscious connection with my alters..in words or action. Formethe times of them out and active are a Blackout period. This can be seconds or minutes..hours to days. What I learn is from seeing changes in my environment or from what someone else tells me. Some things alters write to me or voice record etc.
This blog is dedicated to some of the funny things I figure out...or wake to..

The Funny Things

I suppose it depends on what you define as ‘funny’.
I was diagnosed as Disassociative at 36. It had never been apparent. Alters tend to blend or hide. They are protectors for me. Having created a place for a time of abuse to be shelyered in my mind…over time growing in their responsibilty to care for this body. Me.
Wee came out and since has become a big part of my life and days. She is 1975 personified. Perpetually stuck at that age yet believes she has the fascinating ability of ‘time travel’. How else could she be here and then there just moments apart?? My mind…a piece is reliving that time period.
She has me but I can’t communicate with her other than on a wipe board or notes. I know things because I see her aftermath…things left that are obviously her doing.
This leads me to where I began…funny things. I come to in odd places but at home. The closet was her favorite. Any closet would do…
I had been dating a fellow and his closet had a bottom of sportsbags, shoes, dust, the odd dirty sock… It was a mound. Definitely not a closet built for a woman who is 5’7” and a bit. Wee forgets that the body is big. I woke there on more than one occasion – him snoring away not having noticed. He was aware I switched ( changed personalities ).
Let’s talk about shopping…..
I get things in my cart I did not put in. I am pretty used to and kind of figure out who wants what…not always, but of the 4 Wee is obvious. Minions. Anything minion or the Pets. In the cart.
Coming to ..missing a moment then having Children’s Chrome and pink sparkly sunglasses on is a whole different thing!   “Wee!!! NO!” Talking to myself….
I avoid the children’s section at the big book and gift store. I KNOW. Sometimes my will gets overtaken….Just for a minute…lol. I hear from my friends if I am with someone. Puppets…sits at kids table and plays with the train set. Is well behaved.
I have been on my own and come out of that section with a stuffed dog inmy hand. I was again “No”. I have to laugh.
She will pop out and I don’t notice or feel it. Sometimes I feel her push or pull. She likes something or wants to see.
Her time is mostly night. At home. Protecting all night.
I have woke short some hair, half an eyebrow shaved off, bangs cut or just a peep hole at the front…a marker made red highlight. The morning hair I wake to is often both a surprise and shockingly funny. I have very long hair. They do like to put it up in al kinds of ways. I woke with two little buns way up high on each side but they looked like Mickey Mouse ears!!
There are so many things she does or prints or colours or makes. Just make me howl. So much joy in her. Not always but she is pretty cool.
Wee is 5. They are funny at that age. I wasn’t blessed with my own children…but I have Wee.





i wrote to you.📝

I wrote to you. 

It was so long ago. 

My heart poured out so fast. In words I had emptied into a jar I had sealed and hid away. Things I stowed not to say.

I wrote to you. 

Unhindered words. The deads we'd done. You had yours. I had mine. We parted ways. Both in pain. 

I wrote to you. 

I had lost my way. Without a harbour to settle in safely I floated adrift. 
My seas were filled with storms. Winds had blown up from beyond. I had no strength to paddle alone to safety. Seeking a rock to tether myself to. Hoping the storms would pass.

I wrote to you.

Much from Us had left it's mark. Some from you. Some from me. Together then parted...tearing apart our history.
You knew my story. A life distraught. I had found peace time and again. In Us I found living. My breathe was free. 
Til you silenced me. 

I wrote to you. 

Shut away the love. You strayed to another. Secrets hidden. Perhaps I was naive to think your heart held firm. My resolve to take what crumbs you threw no longer fed my ravenous soul. 

I wrote to you.

I dropped to my knees in mystery. Questions where no answers would ever come. I still held you in my heart. Abandoned self. Incomplete this journey.

I wrote to you. 

I said it all. Again, I sheltered and tossed the words away. No letter sent. 

Sunday, 1 December 2019

We Work It

We come into this world fairly unfettered and a fresh slate. From outside ourselves we are molded in some ways. People, environment; society. 

Many of us have the things we have learned early...it is a choice to unlearn and make new. Can't change what was. Can do something about what is.

Chosing to do the hard stuff to face.

Telling your story when you have Dissociative Identity Disorder is really difficult. My life being as fragmented as my psyche.

As a system we are working through our history and putting our life pieces together. It is both painful and freeing. 

All of this work takes time and emotional effort. At times we need to break. It is finding some balance in working toward a healthy mind. Not perfect by any stretch. We press on. 

Wednesday, 27 November 2019

Just Words

Watch for me
In your dreams
The niggling thoughts
Of uncertainty
Self dismantle 
Ego squeezed
Of value
For I am
Yesterdays words
Hurled you saved
Negativity
~A.R.*

Assets 
None
To count
With 
Purpuse 
Devine
None needed
Free love
Flow
Out
Rich heart
~A.R.*

Floating in my head
Thoughts swirl
Surreal moments
Flash past
The days
Long gone
Reality skewed
~A.R*

The world
Just now
Darkness hovers
In depths unknown
Within my heart
A sliver luminates
Bright ember glow
The fire of
Hope
~A.R.*

Cautious feet
Gently tread
Ears alert
For sounds
Of warning
Nature's calls
To flee
Eyes wildly
Search
For safety
Found soon
For haven
Wild world
Shut out
~A.R.*

Shredded in thoughts
A lifetime jumbled
The puzzle pieces
Tossed like salad
No reasoning
~A.R.*

Wicked woman
Slight wisp of smile
Luring dark eyes
Follow her unknown
Blazing trail
Set fire
To life
Or be stung 
By her 
Scorpian tail
~A.R.*

The world
Just now
Darkness hovers
In depths unknown
Within my heart
A sliver luminates
Bright ember glow
The fire of
Hope
~A.R.*

Misunderstood
Wild Girl
Woman child
Curiousity
Of luscious beauty
Seeking wisdom
Pursed Lips
Lines of her
Curving path
Leed you
Away
To Secrets
Hidden
Her eyes
To yours
Open
~A.R.*

Monday, 25 November 2019

Morning

Morning is here and we wake. Yet the haze of sleep keeps hoovering. The dream half there and pulling me to return. 

Sleep eludes us.

We are a group upended. ( DID )

One piece of past truth can blow a world of lies apart. Our life. 

We are not able to see clearly. No amount of cafeine will clarify what we now untangle. A web of deceit. 

An elephant to hide the elephants. A rug stadium size cannot contain this circus chain. 

Our thoughts scatter only to rejoin as a puzzle undone that begins to come together.

"You cannot tell"

Ah, there be the rub in the wound. 

A lifetime of silence to be continued. Censored by a reality of what could happen if allowed to see light.

In the darkness, again. We sit and contemplate. 

Thursday, 7 November 2019

Blowing Through

The winds are blowing. Snow swirls against the window. It is a night for snuggling up. 
My mind cannot settle. I can only describe it as loud. 
My thoughts against a backdrop of a large vent going on in the background. 
Noisy but I can distinguish nothing in particular. 
My head aches. Life has been challenging to say the least. 
Being strong is wearing. Need to just drop out and disappear for a bit from my world. 
Escape comes in many forms. But being 5 Alive with DID means being Here is ...work. 
Too many things overlapping. It's not the weather. It is not 'the Season'. It is being with the people and things that are hrre and just going far too fast. 
I wish I had a shut off or pause button. Now that would be magic!! 
For now it is a day. And tomorrow will be another....

Tuesday, 5 November 2019

The Information DID and Loss

(Psychology Today, NAMI sources)


Trauma makes grief harder to resolve. Whether or not the trauma is simple or complex, it will reduce the effectiveness of one’s stress management systems in the brain, which can only impair one’s ability to manage grief. This impairment can be temporary (such as in the case of single trauma occurring to an adult), or sustained (as is likely in the case of complex trauma occurring in childhood). The latter is a special problem because it tends to cause developmental damage to the brain, specifically to parts of the nervous systems normally involved in managing and moderating feelings[4].Trauma always has in it loss, and that invariably leads to grief. Traumatic events disrupt the normal flow of life, and the result is NOT an improvement. If one’s memory of the trauma remains traumatic, the disruption continues and may even enlarge, resulting in ever growing loss, for which a debt of grief will be paid at some point.Trauma itself may centrally be about loss, and the grief associated with this will likely be especially problematic. The reason for this is fairly simple. In trauma not centrally about a loss, such as that resulting from an auto accident or an assault, one deals with the event, then with its loss-related aspects. In traumatic loss situations, such as the traumatic death of an important person in one’s life or the failure of one’s parents to provide a secure attachment, the trauma and the loss are so bound together that this sequential addressing of the problem is all but impossible.. Furthermore, cleanly resolving the pain of grief by means of trauma psychotherapy seems invariably to lead to a sustained period of appreciation for that which has been lost. 



The 5 stages of grief and loss are: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.

Haven

You may not understand but where we lived was the best and most horrid of lives as a child. It was also a safe haven for some time. In it two people we consider rocks in our lives. Always depenable in the hardest of times. 
Returning turned bad. Quickly we lost ourselves. We lost respect. We lost the haven and lived in 'the dungeon'. Distressing moreso was that we were losing our Rocks. They were aging. Fast. 
A move was inevitable. It came. 
It isn't perfect. Life isn't fabulous. It is different. Today we are making this our safe home. Our haven.

We Grieve

If you don't have DID this may make no sense to you.

With PTSD, dealing with loss of any kind can be a longer and more trying process than it is for those without the Disorder. 

Add Dissociative Identity Disorder and grieving gets extremely complicated.

For this body there are 5. We vary in age, experiences, perspectives and mindsets. As with anything We are not always on the same page. We do not manuever life the same nor at the same pace. 

To us the Integration sits in how We can operate together in a uniform manner. 
Unfortunate for now the Host cannot hear the 'Alter'/'Others/Parts. This is due to her own traumatic moments with a schizophrenic. 

Back to grieving. 

We have losses.
Recent deaths of an 'Aunt' 
Now the death of an Uncle. 

We as One grieve. Individually one is very sad, one is angry, one is not aware, one disliked the man. 

This is causing distress in how we function. Our ways to deal with this busy but scattered in what is happening when. We have have some inner fighting. We have had moments of terrible anxiety.
 
Beyond our control We do this however it happens. 

To Us for some there is no finish in this process. Stuck perhaps. Lots of questions We and no other can yet explain.

Sunday, 3 November 2019

Only These Words Come

Wonderous world
Curious soul
Eyes I see
You and me
Days to battle
Days to learn
Moments of laughter
In darkness
Hold hands
~A.R.*

Laced tight
Bound
With speed
Energy expelled
In stints 
Like fits
Comfort found
Shoes carried
Mind twists
Away
Til stillness
Calmed
Fretted soul
~A.R.*

Craving freedom
Hardship hurdles
Bound forward
Burning tears
Brushed aside
To see my way
~A.R.*

Years went past
Horror and chance
Terror and love
She carved a way
To free her spirit
Experience known
Shared in trust
For others
A must
She no longer hides
~A.R.*

Little by little
It takes them
Skin and bones
To where
Unknown
Weighted heart
Whirl of life
Destiny known
An end comes
Slow and grim
I lose
My lived one
Mind to body
Forever gone
~A.R.*

Tears streaming
Stand tall
Wobbly legs
Fear in sadness
Changes quick
Life yanked
Away so soon
Prepare 
It's time
Another love
A heart
Stops beating
To knees 
I fall
~A.R*

Young on this earth
Yet wise beyond
Struggling soul
Heart yet large
Desired to share
The story of one
So you know
The many
~A.R.*

Universe above
We all share
Whatever be
Out there
To take us
Into care
~A.R.*

Saturday, 5 October 2019

Injured One in Adjustment Mode

I finally got my move.

It happened really fast...as geared to income does here.
Waited painfully long.
My life not good there.
I am now in my new place.

Currently everything feels upside dow. Half unpacked.
Still deciding what goes where.
Waking in an unfamiliar place.
Getting to know just my way around the building and where recycling goes etc. has been big adjusting.

With DID my parts are doing the same and we all are feeling displaced in ways.
The norm of known is gone. We are alone with our little dog. It will take time for each to find their place as my 'system'. It will also be a bit for the anxiety to ease.

In the midst of this I have pulled the ligaments at my right hip.

In this packing and lifting (on top of repeated surgery hip problem), plus a bad twist ...then a header fall off a cedar chest ( yes I was going too fast )....well this body is hurting really bad.

I have so much to do and I just cannot. I can hardly weight bear on my right leg. I feel somewhat useless. The pain is tiring. Frustrated and getting sad. I am trying to focus on little tasks.

I swear I feel every bit my age.
This is my birthday month and I am sure my body warranty must be up.

Changes and life. I am injured and in adjustment mode.

Tuesday, 24 September 2019

Riding the Rollercoaster

First off...I hate roller coasters.

I been there, done that. Got the badges of those I faced.
No more.

I only went due to peer pressure. I am the keeper of the stuff now. Find me on a bench.

So this life can super suck. It is full of ups and downs.

Some experiences are so joyous one would think they'd burst with happiness. Others shattering.

I have had about a month of the fast, out of control, lifecoaster.

Bad new -  Call from SC Housing that says my priority wait  (already been 2 yrs) likely be as much more to hold on for a move. Stuck in toxic environment.

Good news - My Anal Cancer is in remission and I have 6 months free ftom Oncology.

Bad news - Aunt Joan dies unexpectedly.

Bad news - Saw the ex-husband ( hadn't seen the Gambling man 12 yrs) and had a meltdown. My life being poor and hard.

Good news - I don't know who pulled what strings but I have housing. Move 2 weeks. Short notice but wow.

Bad news - severe cold 10 days and still going...

Bad news - flooded basement. Clean up. Injured low back and hip. Frick!!!

Good news - friend helps pack

Good news - 4 days til move!!!!!!

Sunday, 22 September 2019

Only One Body

I am in the middle of a fast pack. I finally got safe housing. A nice one bedroom apartment.

I have to move within 2 weeks as when they call...you go now. No wait. Little notice.

Problem.
DID 5 persons one body.

There is only so much We can do.

First we have the cold from hell. (Day 12 and it is getting better). Push too hard and coughing fit then the hots.

Yesterday a fiasco at the folks was water in the basement. Sprung a leak. A flood and a massive mess. Unprepared and scrambling to stop the leak then clean up the big mess.

Today....my leg/hip is in screaming pain and I cannot weight bear on that leg.
Meantime I am laid up.

We are 5 but we have one body. We can only do so much.

The body is almost 49.
Been through too much surgery and those hips are in bad shape already.

We cannot be the One that takes on these big tasks. Fortunate to have a friend here that helped with the flooding. A huge job. Now that person isn't feeling good. I feel aweful to have caused this to someone who came to help me and I care about.

Such a life. Such a life.

So frustrated and tired. Just want to move .....

Saturday, 7 September 2019

Guest Blog - Go With the Flow

About the Author

John Dickson - After a suicide attempt in 2014, John learned that he suffered with depression and, more recently, bipolar disorder. He live with these conditions, undiagnosed, since his teens. On Twitter you can find him as @zelandroid009. He blogs at https:/the3ofme.ga. John is my friend.

Go With the Flow

If you're reading this post you've already met April. You've been introduced to her alters and you've learned of her history. I’m sure that you’ll agree with me that April is a unique and strong woman, filled with vitality and light. She is, without a doubt, one of the most resilient people I know.

April brings light into the room. And when she leaves the room, the resulting loss of light is felt by everyone. When she retreats within herself, that loss of light is felt by her alters.

I tell you this because it was this light that first captured my attention on Twitter and then on 5 Alive, April’s blog. Her story is a difficult one that she shares openly and without embellishment. In between, she shares coping tips and poetry. They prevent 5 Alive from becoming too grim.

April’s light is more visceral in person. By nature she’s very upbeat with a tinge of mischievousness. It’s a playful quality that flows throughout 5 Alive.

Meeting and interacting with April, and her alters, places me in a unique position. It allows me to discuss her Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) as it presents in her. I make no claims to being an expert, not even of April, lol, but I can share my observations and impressions.

A note of some importance here: the personality April, herself, might be an alter. Her body is shared between alters each of whom has every right to use it. Who's to say which personality is the original? Something to consider.

I first met one of April’s alters on the day I met April. April and I'd been talking (actually April talked, I listened, lol). We paused for a brief break. I went to the washroom. Upon my return I noticed April rolling a joint. It helps her cope with her anxiety so I thought nothing of it. Then April referred to herself as she. That’s when I clued in to the fact she’d switched.

It was disconcerting. Here I was talking to someone who looked and sounded like April, yet also didn't sound like April. What do I do? Do I pretent nothing happened? Do I show that I know? What? I did nothing but go with it.

The switch was subtle and would have remained undetected by me but for that hint. That hint was the alter making herself known, something she didn’t have to do. Even in this, though, she didn’t identify herself by name. Only by how she referred to April was her presence known to me. I now understand that this act of not announcing herself was itself an act of protection.

Neither she nor April knew how I'd react. Would I call her insensitive names, would I be freaked out, etc? But the prior conversation created enough comfort for her to appear.

Later, another alter appeared. She was younger, appearing to be more fragile. Again, though, the switch wasn't detectable until she allowed it.

What did I learn? Firstly, that alters are unique within themselves. Each has a distinct personality and demeanour. They, and they alone, decide whether or not to appear. Revealing themselves ties into their purpose: protection. April had become extremely anxious and her alter was trying to calm her. Secondly, switches are often undetectable despite what TV or movies would have you believe. Dramatic effect is just that and shouldn't be confused with reality.

I also learned that alters have unique personalities. Maddy, who I met that day, speaks differently than April. The language she uses is quite different. Her posture has subtle differences. The same can be said of the second alter I met, Wee.

A brief note about names. Some names are chosen, while others are given. I don't know which is which with April, lol.

Since that day, I’ve had the privilege of interacting with each of April’s alters, Maddy, Wee, Lily, and Rogan. At times they've explicitly identified themselves and at other times not so much. Frequently, but not always, I know who I’m speaking with. Each has a distinct personality and role. Each has a different age and a different history neither of which may have anything to do with the trauma that created them.

Another brief note. Initially when an alter appeared, and I knew who it was, I'd address him or her by name even if no identification had been given. That was wrong of me. Alters have a reason for not identifying themselves and it's my job to respect that.

Which leads me to little bit about DID. DID is a mental illness. The person with this illness presents with two or more distinct personalities that share and control that person’s body and behaviour. The primary personality, that I call the host (this is my term only because I don’t know what else to call it), will experience gaps in memory caused by being absent while another personality is in control. This is often referred to as losing time. The group of personalities, that is, the host plus the alters form what is referred to as a system. The personalities may or may not be aware of each other. If there is some awareness, this is co-consciousness.

I reiterate the point made above. Each personality has the right to control the body.

My layman’s understanding is that repeated severe trauma before the age of six has caused the original personality to shatter. The fragments that result may lead to the development of an alternate personality.

April’s alters aren’t hallucinations nor are they delusions. I’ve interacted with them so I would be the one who is hallucinating and delusional. I am neither. But what this tells us is that DID is not schizophrenia where hallucinations ordelusions do exist.

Alters protect. Typically this means they withdraw from violence, not engage in it. People with DID are as unlikely as anyone else to engage in violence, again notwithstanding what TV or movies suggest. This might also be explained by the fact that most of those that have DID are believed to be female.

Back to April. As I said, I’ve interacted with April’s alters. I’ve observed differences in expression, differences in posture. But only when the alter wants me to. There remain times when the alter will hide his or her self from me.

Similarly, I’ve seen the alter step in to protect, our first meeting, for example, and on numerous other occasions. At no time did protection escalate to violence. The protection isn't just of April. It's also of each other. Maddy is protective of Wee, for example.

April's alters share co-consciousness between themselves but not with April. That being said, April heard a constant noise, chatter. Maybe that'll lead to co-consciousness between her and one or more of the other personalities.

So, how do you interact with April? You go with the flow. She’s a complex woman, with complex personalities. More often than not you’re interacting with April. Once in a while, a bit more frequently of late, you interact with the alters. Again, the alter that is present may not announce his or her self, but that’s ok. It’s done to protect.

I've repeated myself frequently but that's deliberate. DID is hard to explain and harder to live with. And I've had the privilege of seeing it for myself.

Joh Dickson is a

Monday, 2 September 2019

ReMission

7 yrs and my first remission.

So happy.I am in remission!!!

Lots of damage is the pain but I am cleared for 6 months. This is first totally clear check in 7 yrs.

HPV related anal cancer just sucks. As all cancers do!

Yes. After almost 7 yrs I am officially in Remission.

It is a fantastic word. A freedom for 6 months from oncology and pokes and prods etc is awesome.

What does it mean?

Honestly, we don't know.

For today it means no cancer cells are detected or active.

I am well aware that Anal Cancer takes many routes. Having hpv related means I will always have hpv with break risk that can turn to tumors.

I take my six months with a grain of salt.

I will do everything to enjoy the free days.

Tuesday, 20 August 2019

Her poetry

Dancing in the window
In a downtown pub
Alone on the floor
Singing words to a song
I used to know
Feeling the past
Like an afterglow
The music plays on
Long after I go
For now I sway
And dance alone
~A.R.*

Ugly head
Noxious spew
Judging harsh
Demeaning words
Illusion switch
Dementia visited
Person morphed
Unknown being
Lost original
In their mind
Anger resides
Jekyll
Go hide
~A.R.*

Crashing waves
Over jagged rock
Carving its way
Layers softened
By water strength
Tumbled glass
Pieces edgeless
Shores sea glitter
In sand
Timeless
~A.R*

Whisper your secrets
Wrapped together
I will hold them tight
Your dreams and tragedies
Say them in the night
Darkness the cover
And promises kept
Entwined between us
~A.R.*

Another leg
Journeyed long
Baggage bundled
Looking for peace
Out of pieces
Weathered
Into carried
Stories
~A.R.*

Whisper your secrets
Wrapped together
I will hold them tight
Your dreams and tragedies
Say them in the night
Darkness the cover
And promises kept
Entwined between us
~A.R.*

Standing on rungs
A hole to be in
Off alone
Gripping tight
Faraway light
Drawn soul
Found will
Step up
Slowly go
A life
But once
Chance it
Live
~A.R.*

Did you see?
So bright and sparkling
Almost a flash
A wink and a smile
Then gone
Shrouded by her pain
Fighting to clear it
To glow again
~A.R.*

Empty bubbles
Of thoughts in my head
Spinning in unison
No theme or thread
No answers or insight
Though I do search
Nothing new comes
Circling mind
Of empty bubbles
~A.R.*

Sunday, 18 August 2019

Visualization

Quite a long time ago I participated in a workshop. In it one thing I took away, and still use, is Visualization. A guided one that you can follow along is helpful. There are even apps on devices that can be good.

I am able to make up my own. Sometimes I think I should record them even just for my own use.

I find visualizing guided mediation can help me calm. Often it can shift my perspective as well. The feeling of peace seems to come with this distractive tool.

To try it

- get a comfortable position and try to be unfurled. A bit of a star position so unclasped hands, arms away from sides, knees not touching.

- quiet area so no distraction. Earplugs or headphines may help

- breathe slow and deep
I use square breathing which is count 4 in, 4 hold, 4 out, 4 pause
Feel it open your lungs.

- focus in relaxing each part of your body
Imagine silver light swirling down and releasing tensiin from the top of your head, down your face and neck, shoulders to the tips of your fingers, chest, torso, pelvis, hips, down your legs to knees and around your calves. All the way to the tip of your toes.

- breathe and focus

-visualize in your mind

Example

Imagine a blackboard with a small white dot in the center. Watch it get bigger until it is big enough to climb through.

On the other side you are on a well travelled dirt path. Stones glitter with the sun. Blue sky. Birds. A rabbit crosses your path ahead. Walking toward a large oak tree.

Stop beneath. Sit and rest. Take in the lush grass and fresh air. Deep, soothing breaths.

Listen to the birds. Watch small clouds pass over.

Soon you get up and travel toward a small cottage. Stone and wood. Flower boxes at window sills.

The door is open. A sign says 'come in and enjoy'.

It has comfortable arm chairs. A wooden table. A plate of cookies and warm drinks. You sit.

A small stove burns gently in the corner. A soft warmth.

On the table is a box. It has gems and gold gilding.
You open it.

Imagine that in this box there is something you have been searching for. It is not a tangible item.
Perhaps a need. An inner wisdom. A strength in self. A feeling of purpose.
Imagine it is in this box.
Like light it covers you. Penetrates. Lingers.
A feeling of knowing comes over you.
Like a gift. You have awareness. A direction.
Peaceful feeling.

You rise and begin your journey back.
Paying closer attention to your surroundings.

Blades of wide grass sway in the breeze.
A frog hums in the weeds. A small fox in the distance.

Soon you reach the hole.
Climbing through.
This place is always here.

Return.
Watch as the big hole slowly returns to a dot on the blackboard.

Breathe x 10...slowly coming back to the place you got comfortable.

Blackboard
White dot
Grows to hole
Climb thru
Meadows
Paths of wildflowers
Butterlies linger
Sit under a tree
Breathe
Visualize
Calm
Then return
Slowly
~A.R*

Saturday, 17 August 2019

Can I love again?

Relationships are difficult to say the least.

I feel over my lifetime my heart has been through the shredder.

I realize love and loss go hand in hand.

This is life.

The hard things are things like broken trust, abuse, abandonment, tragedy, and so forth.

The healing can take forever, if it can be found at all.

I am going to be 49.

I have many life issues.

Healing and healing.

How scarred over is my heart to true love?

Being DID is just one added issue. Love is a hard thing for We. Us.

Life...

Thursday, 15 August 2019

Is how it is

There are days I can hardly stand myself. Jittery, anxious, with feelings of confusion. My life situation seems stuck. Finding gratitude in the small things gets harder each day.
Trapped in body.
Trapped in location.
Options minimal and not great.
Distract. Deflect. Defer. I try my best to stay in just the now.

Thursday, 1 August 2019

They Grow Old 💔

I pressed back the tears. Swallowing difficult with sawdust mouth. There were no words to say. Life can be unfair. Life can be tragic.

Memories flooded me as I watched the three elders commiserate. Sitting close together as if in a world only they shared.

In some ways our generational gap made me outside of their tales. Some we shared. On this day I could only sit back and observe.

I am losing them. Time is not on their side. Their minds less sharp. Their bodies failing them. I could see the gambut of emotions on this visit.

My own rolled down my cheeks in solitude. Not wanting them to see how much pain I was feeling.

Safe people. The cottage...my safest place on earth.
Time not on our side. I feel the crushing fear of tomorrows.

No. I am not blood. Related by marriage. From 4 yrs old these people have represented my safety rocks.

I struggle to cope. Grieving as they slowly go.

Tuesday, 30 July 2019

Words combined

Old gargoyles
Come to life
In sun or dark
A mighty fright
Their faces frown
Upon the happy
Knocking down love
Lashes of tongue
Fierce til time
Turns them back
To stone
~A.R.*

Crashing waves
Over jagged rock
Carving its way
Layers softened
By water strength
Tumbled glass
Pieces edgeless
Shores sea glitter
In sand
Timeless
~A.R*

With quiet strokes
Paddle in hand
Gentle waters
Canoe barely breaking
A world alone
Enjoyed peace
Calming force
Empowering task
Enjoyed
~A.R*

I may crumble
I may fall
Skinned knees
Tired and broken
Time may pass
Yet I rise
Feet unsteady
Forward motion
In bits
It comes
The journey
Continues
~A.R*

Glazed over
Thick mist hovers
Just above the surface
Dark waters
Blanketed in white
Rocks gently crest
Its surface
Still air
Warm meets cold
Til sun
Burns it away
~A.R.*
Photo by  @TheWeInMe https://t.co/JpiV9I00UcChild rest

Tuesday, 23 July 2019

A bit about DID

What can I tell you? I have DID and things gets complicated at times.

5 alive is 4 plus me.

My emotions are often heightened because I have 'extra persons' inside.

For some DIDs it is the opposite in many ways. They feel little or no emotion as their 'parts' can house different feelings.

There really is no set mould for how a DID presents. Trauma in early childhood gone untreated can manifest many different ways of coping.

I do not have many answers. I know and am still learning about my own Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I do know that unlike many I have no co consciousness. No connection of thought with my parts. I get information like cards in a rolodex. Who put which card in I am not always sure. I know enough about them to guess whom might it be from. Who was there when I was 'inside'?? That meaning I am not present. Like a blackout for me.

Sometimes I feel the miss of time and sometimes not particularly. It can feel like a blip. Like the lights flicker in a storm. Sometimes I don't feel it at all. An example being one 'part' injects a sentence into a conversation.

For the most part I think I am just used to it being this way.

Fortunately, with lots and lots of therapy, we tend to work together. Things can run fairly smooth.

There are still times when there seems to be 5 agendas on the go and life gets more jutty.

For me. I roll with it as best I can. I continue with therapy and  learning.

Tuesday, 16 July 2019

Kindness

It is not hard or costly to be kind. Even on your darkest day remember to be kind to yourself.

On a better day share what you have in you.

Kindness.

It can be a minor thing. A wave. A thank you. A note. A smile. An " are you ok"?
Hold a hand or give a hug. 

Be the example of decency and  graciousness.

We are here for one reason or another. In common we can be Kind.

Monday, 15 July 2019

There Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

When we have a shift...a switch..it can be for many reasons. Right now it is a feeling of trapped with Jykll and Hyde. For the body we feel pressure.
We are lots of skipping/shifting/ switching of each of us or some together or not. This Dissociation thing is a total bummer.
When SHE is gone...well if you know her @AFR365 on twitter, April, big April we know she is the light even in her own shithole.
We like that song by Bill Withers...Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone. Reminds us of her.
Been some crappola day for 5 Alive. We wish we could work miracles but we don't have any magic.
We hold the fort down. Defect. Ignore. Buffer.
Til she is back it is kind of like a hazy rain day.

Saturday, 13 July 2019

Best Words

As the world spins, seemingly out of control, I hold firm. We have great things in common as humans. Individuals all unique.

I keep these words as good mental health boosts. In me, in you, somewhere... these reside in strength.

Kindness
Peace
Compassion
Empathy
Hope
Laughter
Brightness
Happy
Smiles
Curiousity
Intelligence
Trust
Resiliance
Promise
Shelter
Friendliness
Encouragement
Giving
Freedom
Spirit
Magic
Inspiration
Values
Dancing
Cheers
Calm
Sharing
Truth
Love

Just words perhaps. With each I feel a stir. Memories. People. Events. Places.
There is good in this world. Worth in the living.

Life storms have made me who I am. Alongside are the triumps and joyous moments. Through laughter and tears I grew and will continue to do so.

I hope when I leave this world I have found my way to be the words strung together as lights for others.

Share Your Story

Be a part of raising awareness, sharing the stories, educating, helping one another, and ending stigma in Mental Health/Illness.

There is a huge community helping each other as many cannot get the help services required to find coping and healing.

Many are already working to raise awareness and end stigma. Blogging, podcasting, writing books, sharing tips, starting groups, walking or running for charities, etc.

Mental health is a big part of how we get to live life to it's fullest.

Each of of us, with or without any disorder or illness has a voice, a keyboard, a kind word to another. This is part of your story too.

Change, growth, awareness, health can come with the help of many. It is together we journey.
Share yourself.
Share your story.

Thursday, 11 July 2019

Being Real

There are many challenges in life. We don't get to pick many things we experience.

Coming from a background of many abuses and abusers PTSD, anxiety, depression and Disocciative Identity Disorder developed.

After many many moons I have done the majority of the trauma work needed to have my system of alters work more congruently. Far from perfect but more managable. I feel as integrated as possible at this time and am now focusing on my physical health and coping.

I was diagnosed with Anal Cancer in 2014. It is slow progression and difficult to treat. Many surgeries to try to keep my sphyncter intact. Avoiding radiation and chemo as long as possible.
I know it is there. I know it is growing.
Time.
Who knows what is to come.
Another invisible illness that cannot be seen.

"You look great"
"You are so strong"
"You are going to be ok."

I know you cannot see my innards twist or my mind spin.

I share my story so others know I too understand how it feels to Be Real. Good, bad or indifferent I want you to know that I see and feel like you.

Be Real.

This is who I am and how my life is.
A stumbling warrior perhaps, but I still have my sword.

Thursday, 4 July 2019

Wowzers

Living in the best and the worst time. I have this period of 'time off' I was supposed to be free of hospitals and doctor checks and any physical crappola.

Unfortunately I am dealing with a 'woman's issue' requiring an out patient doctor. I had pain so bad and a bowel not working I was sure my cancer had spread. Good news not at all my bowel but my bowel reacting to inflamation on that side. It can be fixed but nothing happens fast even after an ambulance ride to hospital.

I have another 2 month wait for the proceedure. September. Wowzers.

Unbelievable that this is considered timely care in Canada. Makes me scared about my own health problems never mind many others I know are in similar positions.

Just wow.

Pain I cannot fix myself.
Pushing on trying to enjoy the moments.

Friday, 21 June 2019

Affirm and Reaffirm 💬

I like to use different reminders to help myself stay in today and know my truths in my life. Repetition to break negativity that likes to creep into my mind. It gets so easy to beat myself up. Being kind and positive is quite hard.

Mantras/Affirming Thoughts

I use a string of wood beads to just use tracking for my mind to stay saying one word or phrase over and over

Some examples

I am strong

Calm

Breathe

I am loved

I can do this

No fear

I am capable

Each day is different

Not ok is ok

Do what I can...little wins count

I am not broken

I am not a burden

It is ok to feel my feelings

For distraction I may just count the beads. I find the calm when I am practicing this tool.

Friday, 7 June 2019

TW - 'Parts' Check 🔒

When having to have a check up there are certain parts of my body that I (as a survivor of sexual abuse) have difficulty getting through being prodded at.

Now having anal cancer it is a different doctor checkin my 'junk' out regularly.

As a child I was sodomized.
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder that is a coping mechanism that developed out of multiple traumas. I have come leaps in terms of my mental health and dealing healing with PTSD and DID. I still have triggers that can set off flashbacks. Having a full anal exam is one of them.

Anal Cancer.

6 years

Multiple surgeries.

Lots of doctors, nurses, interns, etc. getting a look at me.

I have had great ones who truly care.
I have had others that I am just a body.
I have had ones that honestly have taken time to know me and are compassionate and patient.

If you are reading this and have DID, or even were abused as I was, you may understand the 'aftermath' iin spinning mind after an exam.

The anxiety runneth amuck. I am near tears. I work to contain it. I try to settle in now. Just the moment.

In the end exhaustion will take over and sleep will reset perhaps.
A little time break helps.

For me I know it will be ongoing regularly.
Strength holds me.

Wednesday, 29 May 2019

Life Scouts

I really think that there should be a set of badges for Living.
They would be like the Boy Scouts or Brownies or Girl Guides.

Let's face it life is a series of all kinds of challenges. We each face all different kinds.

Where to even begin with what my own would be? If I started from the beginning to now I have endless.

So if I took out the basics of life skills and went to experiences ...still quite a list.

I still think Life Badges should be awarded. Living is a series of achievements.
The hard ones that come with adulting should get awarded.

I could start with just 10 for every decade of my life.
That would be nearly 50!

Going to need two double sided sashes!🤣😂
Blood, sweat and tears got this body to here.

Maybe you can relate?

Thursday, 23 May 2019

5 Essentials

It is extremely important to make a self care plan that has 5 basics in it for any moments of distress, anxiety, deep depression etc.

An example of this could be;

1. Your breathing exercise
I use square breathing ( 4 count in 4 hold 4 out 4 pause ) and I have a drawing card up as a reminder.

2. Distraction with what is in your space (5 green objects, all things round, Count on your fingers back and forth, etc.)

3. Stretching gently
Light yoga works for me and there are guided apps.

4. Something comforting
( stuffed animal, photos, blanket, soothing scent, hot water bottle, so forth )

5. Music
I like jazz when I am stressed or I go yo familiar old rock.

The Lady

I met this lady. Wow. I was taken aback by her glow when she smiled. She spoke with an animation. A storyteller of sorts.

Tone and mannerisms flowing into different pieces as I watched her. A flash of hidden sadness. A moment in anger, or was it boldness I saw? Returned to glimmer and light.

Breaks of quiet and head turned away. There was more in her. This was obvious. I was eager to know the depth of this woman.

Time and again I sought her out. Getting small snipits of her substance. Learning her desires, her fears, her needs. I pieced  slivers of her life. A story that shattered this individual, yet made her magical.

A being like no other. I wondered where her path would take her. What turns could lay ahead? Would the demons continue to haunt her without invitation? Did her sadness lift? Did her happiness comes? Was her ending hard? Her story continued.

Monday, 20 May 2019

Believe This

I believed.
I saw but didn't see.
You had your truth that you hid.
Once so young I believed another.
The hurt stayed and fractured my being.
Another...I had come to the same conclusion.
Too young to have learned what was not real.
Naive and hopeful.
I trusted.
Woven illusions of binding strings. Decisions made based on what I was fed in lies.
Omissions that led to my being at risk repeatedly.
I believed the lies.
Many tell them.
I know more now.
More than 40 years later I know the reality I did not know then.
Like all I believed that rooked me, let me fall and crash.
I rise.
I fight.
I will claw my way back.
There I will make my own life.
One with no fogged glasses.
Back to a life I take charge of.
I believe in me.

Sunday, 12 May 2019

Now

I wish I had something profound to say. I have few words other than a whirling head.
I live my days as best I can. Often it feels lonely and futile.
Uphill or downhill? I am not sure right now. Sideways and backwards on my head is how it feels.
I am melancholy. Depressed. My life circumstances bind me in discomfort.
I want to flee but cannot. For it is also so much that is physical. In me. On me. Illness sucks.
Keep going. Keep going.
Calm. Find it.

Thursday, 25 April 2019

Part of the Story (a letter)

Part of the Story

Dear Me/We

We never take the time to let you know your truths.
Having lived a life with many harsh experiences one might think you would be jaded and angry. Despite your childhood traumas you found deep strength in ways many could not understand. A fragmented psyche that developed to keep you safe. You have DID. Alters there but you did not know.  Functional and protective.

Anxiety and depression would reign. Even as a child you were nervous, rubbing to corderoy off your jeans tryingv to calm yourself.
You held a crooked smile for so long. Inside turmoil and terror.

You aged into a beautiful woman. Your heart grew softer instead of hard. You are warm where cold could reside.

Married at 21.  It was 11 years of deep love, but heartbreak with an addicted partner. From him being into sobriety to being out of any recovery and a raging gambler... you held on to hope.
Dashed it was.
Time and again trust smashed.
Reality of your love crippled.
Financial abuse and your life left in shambles.

Again, you picked yourself up. Years in divorce court.
Now you were 37.
Disheveled and scattered.
Life broken and lost.
You held on barely.

Desperate and failing you sought more help. You worked on yourself. You found your inner sparkle.

And your story continued.....

From US

Wednesday, 24 April 2019

Am I Sensitive?

I am sensitive.
I also am kind.
I am perhaps easily offended by some things.
I have a strong sense of values. Blame my Catholic upbringing. I learned early to fight or flee. Most often I flee. If I chose to fight it is that I feel a line ( what I feel is right or wrong ) has been crossed. Then it is on. No silence. Not anymore. Years of being silent for so many things and people have passed. I speak out.

And the Dragon blew fire back. I did not waver.
My hands clenched tight around my sword.
Shaking I rose it high. Hefted up with courage.
My voice ...listen.
Strongly speak. I will not bow to your breathe.
Be kind.
Tame yourself Dragon.
I come only with a message.
Why must you burn me?
And the Dragon blew fire back. I did not waver.

I will not be silenced by intimidation. Yet I do feel fear as I try hard to stand up.
Sensitive yes.
I feel it deeply when my voice is not heard.

Monday, 15 April 2019

My day

The day started off tired. I felt this way regularly. Probably close to 7 yrs of being up at night. Thus, mornings are a bitch!

Java. Coffee. I pour it in with hopes of being more alert, to no avail. I play on social media. Answer a few messages...maybe..hard to think in the head fog. Nope...can't stay up.

Nap.
That's right. I have to sleep. My eyes are too heavy.
An hour and a half. That is about how long that sleep is. I am probably at a total of 5 hrs now.

Dragging my ass. I force myself to shower and dress. I just want to go back to bed.
I pick a task. There are plenty to chose from as I live in the 'packing for a move' space. What shall it be? Clean a bit. Knit. Pack a box. Errands?

I want to go out. I want to stay home.

There is an anxiety building.

Tension in. But I can hide in my area.

Out is noise and people and sometimes it can be too much. Out is freedom from the daily tension tho.

I feel a sort of defeat.

My attitude could use some positivity.
I need to be in laughter. I need to feel confidence. I need to feel safe by myself and with others.

I am not my diagnosis. Not any of them. Labels that point to how I am. Deeper is who I am.
So many labels do give me a feeling of Damaged. Broken. Unlovable.

The mantras are ;
I am perfect as I am.
I am beautiful inside and out.
I am worthy of love.
I am strong and brave.
I can do this.

The days are what they are. I can just do my best.

Friday, 5 April 2019

Lyrist

Throwing sparks
Camp fire sizzled
Burning skylight
Darkness lit
Flames meet stars
Earth to sky
Together glow
~A.R.

Head tucked in
Screams silent
To self
Balled body
No comfort
Found
Eyes clouded
Tear burnt
No sobs
Silently curled
Away in mind
She goes
~A.R.*

With all of your senses
From toes to her crown
Learn her with all of you
Experience depth in this woman
She opened herself reluctantly
Trace her paths to tender heart
Be harsh and she snaps off
Gone away while you take
Shattered inside and gone
~A.R.*

Human Being
Just Being
Answers
Out there
Inside
Some sought
Some to hide
Living breathing
Breathe calmness
Human Being
Just Live
~A.R.*

The night time poet
Quill of ink
Lashing words
Toward ghosts
Who listen eager
For delightful tales
Of Her and Them
Or I perhaps
~A.R.*

She has a smile
Wears it fine
Behind it pain
Tired and torn
A soul seeking
Something more
Strong she wars
Battles unseen
Wearing her crown
A little askew
~A.R.*

Music playing in her head
Of the living and the dead
Blanking out the world around
Not a movement nor a sound
Stuck inside her wounds
For that short lived time
It played again inside
That movie in her mind
~A.R.*

The world spins
I whirl along
This life so hard
Yet smile I will
Despite the harshness
Of others
~A.R.*

In the heart
Buried away
Locked love
For now
Damaged
In ways
I am
Not sure
My time
My life
A whirl
Perhaps
What comes
Will be
A key
~A.R*

Thursday, 4 April 2019

Ooooh my Arse

Yes my arse. My butt. My anal area. Butthole. Ass. Yes.
It is in pain. I was cut end to end
Yes it was a cyst and benign this time. Good news.
Being cut 8 to the area means at week 4 it is still raw and healing.
Stitches across stitches.

Add hip and pain at tops of femur.
They are none too gentle when positioning to work on the butt. 😳
Mine are inflammed and screaming pain.

Today I am angry, lonely and tired.
It has been almost 6 years of this and I did not ask for ongoing life with Anal Cancer (look it up).
I just want to get out.
Be better.
Depression hovers.

Resiliancy is the only way.

The rope may be burning my hands but I haven't let go.

Night Terrors

Dreams that are bad are nightmares.
Up it a notch and a person experiences Night Terror.
Often a product of trauma of one sort or another.
Events distorted by the haze of fitful rest. A guise of sleep.
Entering distinct clear visions.
Perhaps pieces of the past strung together in nonsense sequences.
Trapped with all senses seemingly raw and alive within this dream.
A dream. But a dream.. but not.
Screams seem piercingly real.
My dream...my terrors.
My life alive in night terrors.
Jumbled and frightening.
I will wake abruptly, soaked in sweat, heart pounding.
Anxiety will grab on as I am vulnerable. Defences down.
Often I weep for what I cannot change.
The desire to go forward is sapped of energy after nights of terror.
Strings of these and exhaustion happens.
No cure.
I do my care. I have meds. I keep trying and working with my therapist.
Hold on to hope each time I put my head down that this night will be free of mind fear.

Flight of Mind

Don't make a move. Don't even breathe. Pretend you're invisible. (Like sitting out in the living room was totally not noticable.)
Shhhhhh... my mind was busy working on my predicament.
Who was I fooling?
I was caught. No place to run to.
Face it head on!!, the mind says.
I could feel my palms go sweaty with anticipation.
Chin up girl, I tell myself.
It's just allergies not tears....
Oh hell, how bad can it be?
(Thinking commences...)
I know....
I just know!
It can be a nastiness like no other.

I say nothing. Heart racing.
Fight or flight kicks in.
Hot cheeks.
Anxiety...coming fast.
I can't slow.
I gotta go. I just have to.
Panic is coming.
Set off. I am triggered by the fear.
Not knowing what will happen. Not stable. Unpredictable.
I feel ill inside and out.
Hide.
Hide.
Run.
Mind on fire.
I take flight.
Dissasociated.

Wednesday, 3 April 2019

Living List Pool

https://paypal.me/pools/c/8c1lgBe7Rl

No bucket. I live today.
Anal Cancer we are sparring!

@AFR365

This is a fund to accomplish some of my living list while I am able. Please have a look. Any amount helps. Sometimes you just have to ask for what you need and hope.

Up on my list:

Train to Quebec City
Butterfly Emporium Cambridge
Toronto Aquarium and iFly
Tour to Tobermory/ Manitoulin

So much I would love to see and do. People I would love a chance to meet.

🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞

Friday, 29 March 2019

The Way It is

Don't make a move. Don't even breathe. Pretend you're invisible. (Like sitting out in the living room was totally not noticable.)
Shhhhhh... my mind was busy working on my predicament.
Who was I fooling?
I was caught. No place to run to.
Face it head on!!, the mind says.
I could feel my palms go sweaty with anticipation.
Chin up girl, I tell myself.
It's just allergies not tears....
Oh hell, how bad can it be?
(Thinking commences...)
I know....
The demons of yesterday are all over me. Todays life is sending me into waves of clashing times.
I push back tears.
I just know!
It can be a nastiness like no other.