Thursday, 12 April 2018

Recovering from Surgery

I am recovering from Rectal Surgery. Waiting for results.
I am relieved the surgery is over. It wasn't my first there and I can only hope my last...anal cancer is no fun.
It has been a very long road now. Years. Several surgeries.
Fingers crossed.
Staying positive is a great saying....when it isn't your butt in pain. When it isn't your battle.
I try very hard.
Some days it is just not there.
It is a process.
My life has been flipped and turned and upside down and righted. I am not quite righted. Lol.
Doing my best under the circumstances.
And moments of smiling...don't make me laugh..it hurts. 😜

Wednesday, 28 March 2018

Enough is enough!?!

I have these imaginary lines. Things I have learned about myself and continue to learn. Thus creating more lines.
Like the "don't eat one more bite.." or " I will unfriend someone I feel crossed boundaries" ...

Lines for myself are often pretty high in expectation.

What is the line of enough emotional pain?

Enough is enough is where I am at with both my body and mind.

Some more surgery on the 9th. The Ongoing Saga from hell. (See past posts)

I just have really fought long and hard.
I am going to see how this round goes.

The line..

Monday, 12 March 2018

A Time of Love 🔒

A kind man. Hardworking. Slowly he reached. Gently running his rough hand over her naked flesh. Warmth rushed through her.
Desire pulsing.
Her skin was soft and he felt need to touch all of her. Just her.
From her thigh to her hip. He grazed with his lips.
Up her side. Laying kisses along the way.
His hand tangled in her long hair. Pushing it aside to reveal her nipple.
She trusted him. She openned to him. He looked into her deep eyes. Like her heart..so full of hope and love. For him.
She was complicaticated, emotionful, smart and funny.
A gaurd up. With glimpses of wild abandon.

It is a memory of love once had.
I fear I will never feel it again.

Thursday, 8 March 2018

Mask

The mask is heavy. I put one on day after day.

Alone. I have my face. My pain. My anxiety. My depression.

I push hard to keep going. To be part of this world. To contribute where I can.

I am struggling to accept myself. Where am I going? What will happen with my physical health? Who am I?

It has been a very long haul with my body. I feel I am no longer me. I cannot go on as I was.

I blog about having PTSD with Disassociation. I am not blatent about it in my daily life. I do not wear a sign. It is part of me.

My physical health has a whole different set of changes and problems. It has been ongoing so long. I have been on my own with a few close people helping.

I really would like to have that special someone. I realize that I have a belief that it will never happen.

Challenge the belief....
Rebuke it.

I am having difficulty changing that belief.

Monday, 26 February 2018

A 'Good' Day

I picked myself up again. Literally pulling myself by will out of bed.
It is safe. You are fine. Nothing to think about but going for your coffee. Morning semblance of roution.
It was decided after two 'crying' crap days today no crying.
I would avoid some triggers. Get outside. Go out.
I did. I challenged myself. I went to a couple places I normally avoid like the plague. I went. I shopped.
I....dallied a bit...it is normally a race. Get in get out.
I actually browsed.
I breathed my way through.
It was not a picnic.
I accomplished what I set to do.
I breathed through after when I returned home.
No tears.
It took some doing to avoid some things but I managed.
Grateful for a Success after many awful days.

Sunday, 25 February 2018

Hope

Hope crawled out from beneath her rock....all clear???? A sliver of Light who called to her.
Warmth took her hand.
Air filled her and pushed her along.
Hold on to Hope, Light said.
So I did.
~A.R.

Sunday, 11 February 2018

ToolKit

These are suggestions to keep in your tools for additional self care.

~Plush chest size comfort stuffy. Animal or pillow...
A U shape pillow can also be comforting

~Hot/cold compresses, gel packs, or bean bag. Heating pad with timer.

~Herbal Tea. Hot Water. Instant soup.

~Easy foods to prepare or have for supplements.

~Favorite snacks.

~Drink enough H2o reminder

~Protein bars or a supplement if prone to not eatting enough

~List of Contact numbers. Friends, family, local helplines.

~ medications if needed

~lavender, peppermint or eucalyptus for calm and breathing

~ breathing technique reminder

~distraction ie Find it book
                             Wordsearch
                             Puzzle
                             Colouring
                             Lego

~pad and pen to write thoughts and feelings, goals and ideas

~music
                            

A 'Dread Day'

She woke up sweating. Her cold had not abandoned the body through the night. Crap. Still sick.
Hack, hack. She pulled herself upright. Ugh. Get up. GET UP.
Waddled off for a pee.
Yank on a sweater. She headed for the kitchen.
Wee Ticky was still asleep in his bed. All fours pointed to the ceiling. A gaurd dog was probably not his strong suit. More a floor...or face..cleaner.
This was on the Dreaded Day list. Like anniveraries of deaths, losses, bad memories. A day that just is a reminder.
There are Joy Days too.
This one was not in anyway close to Joy.
Her hands were shaking while she poured herself a cup of hot coffee.
No avoiding she picked up her phone.
Immediately the Date blinked at her.
Yes, she knew the day.
She liked to call it Singles Awareness Day aka VALENTINE'S DAY!!
At 47 she had her shared of fantastic love. That was perhaps the problem. Had she not known it she would not miss it. Too late.
Loads of hearthache sat heavy on this day.
A pretend smile if hiding was not possible.
She reminded herself chocolate would be on sale after midnight.
Not much consolation.
Pitter pitter pitter pitter. Wee paws headed down the hall. Ticky had shook off the slumber due to a full bladder. Out he went.
A wet, cold day.
No one to have a snuggle with.
The 6 pd dog didn't really fill that.
She craved human contact.
It was everyday but this day it was smack in her face.
Alone. Few friends. Not physically well. Not mentally well. Trying to cope.
Trying to live.
She remembered Living.
A Real life with a home and friends and a husband and job.
Those days were long long gone.
A long term love after. Trust broke and her heart too.
Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost.
Yes she was grateful to have loved. Just not on Dread Day.
Love was all over. But not all over her.
A life on social media. Her nose in a book. Lost in painting and drawing. Time blogging and again online advocating for mental illness.
People all over the world. Connected...but not.
Dreaded Day. She knew she wasn't alone.
The human condition perhaps. Seeking love. To not want to be so alone in life.
Craving connection.
WOOF...oh yeah...Ticky is not big enough to jump up on her chair.
Gathering him up...he is warm in her arm. Tiny kisses just because.
A fur baby.
He loved her.
She held him close. Letting him have him way at licking her face.
Set him down. While washing her face he sat at her feet.
Loyal and loving.
Her Dreaded Day could be worse.
She started to remember what she did have.
No Joy did not flood her.
She just used it to get through.
The whole day was crap. Her mood up and down like a zipper.
She survived. She was not harmed and did not lose it completely.
Dreaded Day over.

Sunday, 28 January 2018

Going to Events

Omg. Omg omg..

I can't do this

Brain: Get ready. Breathe. You have gone to loads of these kinds of things.

Not in ages...omg. What am I going to wear???

Brain:  Stay simple. Comfortable. Neutral.

Black. What do I have...mumble grumble

Brain: Get ready. Breathe. You are good.        
       
Stop fussing!

I have a battle with myself when going out. This night was a Charity Gala. I wanted to go. I had looked forward to the event. It was mental health focused. The speakers were Michael Landsberg and Sean Mccann. Natalie Harris was speaking. I have great admiration for these people. They are my peers. Mental Health Warriors.

I got there extra early. My nerves were shot already but I had my mind set I was going.

Alone I made my way in. Lordy a sea of uniforms. Paramedics, police, firefighters. In their best to cheer on former colleague Natalie.
The support of friends so important. Part reason why I made myself come.

Coat check and I feel way underdressed. I feel so alone. I want to run.
No. I made it this far...
I find the main room and find the perfect seat at the back. On the end. If Ì needed a breather or had to go out due to overwhelming anxiety I was set. I put my bag under it and my flyer on top to show it was taken.

I got a cup of coffee and planted myself there for a time. Speakers weren't for an hour.
People were mulling around. Looking at the charity auction, socializing. Laughter and reunited hugs.
Not me. I knew no one. I wanted to fade into the wall. I clung to it then made my way back to my chair. My chair. Perfect spot.

I got more coffee.
Then a nervous pee. Back in my chair.
Everyone has been notified three times to get settled in. It is time.
As I mentally praise myself for getting there early I get a tap on the shoulder...
No fucking way!!!!!
A woman with a walker has strolled in last. Her husband and she want the end. Can I move?
Are you fucking kidding me?!?!...is my thought. My cheeks are hot and I can feel tears coming.
This happens lots.

You can't see my disability. Depression, severe anxiety, PTSD...why we were here for this event. To end stigma.

She has a walker with a seat. Did not get in early to secure what she needed....
I moved over. I should have spoke. I was embarassed.

I listened to the first speaker. Moving. Heart wrenching. Hitting me hard. When they stood to applaud I pushed my seat back and out of our last row.
I got my coat and bag and headed to my car.

Do not cry!
Do not cry!

In my car I breathe. Do not give in. I came to see. I will go back in.
I spend 20 minutes convincing myself.

Back in I don't feel better. On the edge of tears I take a spot on the wall in the hall. The doors are open and I can hear Sean singing.

Then they have a break. This break felt like days.
I see Michael Landsberg of #SickNotWeak up at the front. I really want to meet him but I am terrified. I am no one. He is talking to people.
Go. Go. Go.
I take a deep breathe and go to the front. I turn back. Then forward. Omg omg. I am shaking and sweating.
He sees me. Reaches to shake my hand. He is speaking to me but I am in terror. I mumble and squeek something out. Crap I don't have my phone to get a selfie.
He took one! Wow!

I take my hot red cheeks back to my bag. Get a pic. I really want to. I fuss around. He is talking to someone in uniform. Shit. I can't. I will be making a fool of myself.
No. Go. Go. Go.
I grab my phone and head up. Standing back I try to be nonchalant. I feel I stand out like a sore thumb.
I ask please could I get a pic. Absolutely.

I watched the rest of the night from the hall. I ran as soon as it was over.

I did it.

Without My Chair.

Reality

I am feeling so stressed.
I am bouncing all over in my mind. No train of thought.
Anything and everything has me on edge.
What an awful feeling.
A mixed emotion sick skin feeling.
Anxiety hanging on.
I have surgery Tuesday then again the following Monday.
I don't want to.
I am scared.
I am tired.
I feel very alone in this.
I am living it.
It is my reality.
I honestly am not loving life.
Reality is a bummer.

Tuesday, 23 January 2018

Remembering Me

Do you remember...

When I went ahead in line to take the vaccine shot so you could see you wouldn't die...
When I came and stayed with you because your husband was hitting you...
When I held your hand and told you just to let it out and I didn't mind snot on my shoulder...
When you hurt your neck and I came and massaged it....
When I taught you to drive...
When I climbed under the barn to get you that special piece...
When your arm was going into a frozen shoulder and I camr to your house to do MRT on it 3 times a week...
I helped you pack and move...
I sent you funnies just because I knew you were stressed...
I held your head and made you tea while you were sick...
I watched over your children so you could get a night out....
I had you to dinner at Christmas and New Year because you had no one else to spend it with...
I sent you snail mail just to tell you I care..
I gave you a hug when you needed it most and again when you didn't...

I am valuable. I need to remember....

Stay?

I have really been struggling. Almost an agoraphobic response to going out.
I am in so much therapy because my mind is blown away by anal cancer and ongoing treatment.
I don't want to do this anymore. It isn't really a choice. I feel trapped in myself. I feel trapped in a life I am coming to hate.
Why should I keep going?
I am a good friend?
I have few real friends. I bought Christmss gifts for pretend friends...I wanted to feel like I have people surrounding me with love. I don't.
People don't contact me. I am tired if reaching out for a quick text response of "xoxo" or "wish I could be there".
Why should I stay?

Friday, 19 January 2018

My Anal Cancer

I have HPV related Anal Cancer. Meaning, I get spots on the outside of my sphyncter. (They can come up anywhere sexual fluids travel, front to back. Many women get HPV related Cervical cancer. My cervix is clear.) I have spots forward that were benign and two there to be lasered end of January.
Anal Cancer is spots that become tag like and the cells turn from pre cancer to cancer.
A year ago I had cancer taken. Pre cancer was left. I have two areas again. I am waiting for a Surgery date.
I got HPV from an ex partner. He had gone elsewhere. I was devastated then.
I continue to be devastated. I can't get away from it.
Everyday I have to face it again.
It is a lonely, painful and frightening place.
Therapy. Lots of it. I continue to barely cope.
Depression and anxiety are strong many days.
Sunshine comes.
It does.
I wait.
Some days it shines from me.

Monday, 15 January 2018

Cannot Go

I am set back. I have lots on my plate but that is not unusual.

I am feeling very stuck and insecure since I stayed at the hospital lock up. It was a nightmare that has left me feeling unsafe and needing my safespot immediately. Anxiety quickly turning to panic.

I had this long ago (2005) after being sick 11 month with c-difficile. I had been home too long. I no longer was managing being out.

Out is a lot of stimuli. Lights. Cars. People. Things everywhere. It is the unfamiliar. Not knowing, and lack of control.

How do I find my way back? Why can't I shake it? What do I do to help myself?

Saturday, 13 January 2018

Poetry poetry...

Dance amongst the wisps
Made by angels wings
On fluffy snow surfaces
Dance around the fire
Where the demons hide
Your footsteps light
Like your heart and smile
With faith and hope
Dance
~A.R.

Power through
Reach the shore
Wrong way
I steered
Veered off
My path
Swim out
Find my mark
Clean strokes
To land
Again
Drifting out
Lost
And drowning
The beach calls
Ride the wave
To destiny
~A.R.

Patching pieces
Filling the gaps
A newness
With purpose still
Perhaps heartier
For the breaks
Mended stronger
~A.R.

Standing on tiptoe
Eyes peeking
Over the rail
Little footprints
On the stairs
In fear
Rushing down
Whites glowing
Wet cheeks
A nightmare
For a child
Now for the woman
Who grew up
~A.R.

Frosty morning
A cold mood to match
Bitter wind
Blows through her
Seeking refuge
To thaw
A frozen heart
~A.R.

Into the realm of Darkness
I shone light
The fear and pain drew you in
Vulnerable prey
I know your face
It is my own
We have seen this demon
Fought before
Now conquer together
Hearts will glow
~A.R.

Joyous wind
Brisk and breathtaking
Days frigid friend
Spinning gusts
Of glittering snow
The playground
Where icicles grow
The Hearty
Do face
The season
Of sharing
Warmth
~A.R.

Thursday, 11 January 2018

Needing An Out

Since my hospital stay in October I have been experiences after effects.

When in hospital I could not leave. The stay was extremely traumatic.
My big fear now is being trapped. Stuck. Unable to make choices or feel safe.
I am safe. I just cannot convince myself.

I have a list of to do's. Things I want to see and do. A cancer diagnosis really made me think about the important things on life. I looked at people, places and things.

One was to visit our Niagra Falls at night in winter.

Yesterday my step father and I headed out on our adventure. Falls. Dinner. Sleepover. Breakfast. Home.
At 8 pm I could barely stand myself. My anxiety was at its peak. Home time.
I had tried to get past it.
The feeling was incredibly overwhelming.
Fortunately my step father and I had agreed that going back home was always open option.
So home we came.

I felt I had failed. I didn't stay.
I still feel badly.
I want to be past this agoraphobic fear.

I keep trying. I keep pushing.
Sometimes it is two steps forward and two back...or just one. Sometimes we make leaps.
The key is to keep trying.

Sunday, 7 January 2018

Skills

What am I Good At? What I can do?

We are each unique and have learned many things in life. Some we are better at than others. Met set of skills is every growing and makes me ME.
Often these things I do not see, overlook, or give myself little credit for.
I am learning...
This was therapy homework. Thus the following list.

April Knows

1. I am good at writing poetry
2. I am good at helping others
3. I am good at sharing my mental health tools.
4. I make good comfort food.
5. I can search information and process quickly.
6. I am funny.
7. I have cute feet.
8. I am a good helper for old people.
9. I figure out technical or other types of projects ... can be self reliant.
10. I can paint on canvas
11. I can create something out of junk..can repurpose.
12. Good at budgeting.
13. Good dog mom.
14. Good at finding a bargain.
15. Good at remembering odd details.
16. I can bake good cookies, muffins and popovers and scones, homemade trail mix.
17. I still look good for my age.
18. I can felt
19. I can crochet rugs.
20. I am a strong swimmer and paddle canoe
21. I have sent 129 smile packages around the world
22. I can carve walking sticks and use wood burner to decorate
23. I roll a perfect joint
24. I write nice personal letters
25. I did my homework

I shared this at my therapy session. When I left I heard myself...
You are a liar
You don't do that well
You are tooting your own horm and that is ego and you are wrong.
You don't deserve praise

The mind tape id powerful and I will rebike all of those things I continue to tell myself.
That voice lies.

Friday, 5 January 2018

Write The Words

You cannot see me
I am faded into shadows
Taken from light
No reflection
No colour
I whisper...I am here
No sound to be
You cannot hear me
Faded away
Perhaps
A faint
Memory
~A.R.

Joyous wind
Brisk and breathtaking
Days frigid friend
Spinning gusts
Of glittering snow
The playground
Where icicles grow
The Hearty
Do face
The season
Of sharing
Warmth
~A.R.

I cannot find Me
It is hard for you to see
I wear my mask well
It grows heavy
As I tire of the face
That is not Real
Inside
I am shattering
In slow motion
~A.R.

Into the realm of Darkness
I shone light
The fear and pain drew you in
Vulnerable prey
I know your face
It is my own
We have seen this demon
Fought before
Now conquer together
Hearts will glow
~A.R.*

Monday, 1 January 2018

Figuring Out DID..a Start..

Do you know who is in your system and why? Some call this Mapping.
Can you communicate with your alters as learning about them and openning tbe door to them can help with cooperation...like no texting outside of a safe list of people.
I use a wipeboard for questions or trying to establish boundaries. I also text myself on my phone. Notes.
There is lots of information that can help you get your system to be more cohesive.

Find others who understand
@DiscussingDID @TheWeInMe @AFR365 @hashtagDIDchat @ivorygarden etc. 
Support is key.
There are online chats on facebook and twitter. As well as support groups like Ivorygarden.org.
Connect and learn from each other is very helpful.
They also hold a conference in Atlanta every year. Well worth joining.

I suggest writing if you can and see if your system is in disharmony for a reason or reasons. They know you. You need to know them.

Friday, 29 December 2017

Gone

Sometimes I float away. Or go deep within myself. I cannot hear or respond to my environment.
My body and/or mind is on overdrive. Autopilot seems to have kicked in.
I say "my lights are on but nobody's home".
I am gapping out, zoning out, partially shut down.
Some call this A State of Fugue. Disassosiation.
It can last seconds or much longer. Some people can miss large chunks of time in this state.
I would prefer it didn't happen at all.

Sunday, 24 December 2017

Seasons Greetings..Merry Ho! Ho! All

Breathe and make thr best of the moments as you would everyday.
Think of each other.
Do your best.
Small successes.
Know your limits.
Stay grounded.
Take breathers.
Reach out if you are struggling.

Love to all.

Merry Christmas.

No I am not feeling the joy of this but I am doing my best. Cold and all. I can do it.

#SickNotWeak #KeepTalkingMH
And all others.

Friday, 22 December 2017

Stringing Words

Silence self
To bear this weight
Life balance
To find
In rest
I heal
~A.R.

Look to the sky
For my eyes
My soul
Refect back to
They who look
Hard
~A.R.

No wind to glide on
Wings of strength
Freedom flight
Take heights
Lift me
Away
~A.R.

Heavy
The little stones
Experiences
Some
Dark weights
In heart
Add up
Strings
Releasing
Time held
Tears
Carry on
Carry on
~A.R.





Saturday, 16 December 2017

Winter in the Air

Welcome Winter.
You white cold fickle season.
I get You.
I understand.

Mixed up.
Sparkling through bitterness.
Throwing a blastful fit of fury.
I cry when You sleet too.
Nastiness happens.
That feeling of coming but then going.
Moreso last several years.
Me as well.
I understand Winter.

It is testing season.
How long?
How hard will it be?
How much can you handle?
Will it ever be over.

I feel You, Winter.

Eggnog Blues

It is a really cold and loooonnnely night in December. Freezing temperatures that chill to the bone.
Memories flood this time of year. Winters long ago now. Times with a partner planning the holidays. A home to decorate. Places to go. Christmas gatherings. Friends. Fun. Food. Laughter.

Here I sit alone.
Silence is my partner.
Quietly stoic.
A wall.
Numb and cold.
Does Silence listen to me?

Many experience sadness, anxiety, depression etc this time of year. With that lots of reasons. Sun deprivation. Sleeplessness. Money worries. Job problems. Family or lack of family issues...

Nothing is festively bright if we aren't feeling a happiness within. Our coping becomes difficult. Many of us would like to skip it altogether.

This is, afterall, the season of sharing love and joy with family and friends.
Traditions. Festivity.
The lights and shìmmer. Love and beauty.

Hmmm...fruitcake and eggnog.
Bahhh Eggnog.

Not this day. No spirit in this night.
Maybe tomorrow....

Wednesday, 13 December 2017

Arghhhh!!

I woke up miserable. I get little sleep at night. The sleep I get is fitfull snd can be ridden with nightmares.

I do take sleep medication but often fear is more powerful than them and I am up. If you know about Disassociation (DID) then you would understand that it is not always known to me that I am up and about. I have parts/alters.
One is Wee. 5 yrs old.
Wee is afraid. I have tried about everything to get this part to understand in Now she/we are safe. Nope.
She is up and does her own thing the better part of the night.

So. Today was empty cornflake box. Cereal. She ate it in 5 days!🤢
I am feeling the effects.
There have been other things and it is often. Food free for all happens.
She once ate all the raisins out of a box of Raisin Bran in one go. Every last one. 😲
She gets a note from me about these things. Problem is I don't always know what has caused my distress til later...live and learn for this system with Wee.
4 Alters. She is the youngest.
I do not see or here them.
I find out by things laying out or moved etc. Or if one leaves me a note. Or if someone sees.
It is complicated. No. I do not fully understand how alters evolve out of trauma.
It just is my defense mechanism.

On with waking miserable. ☹

It turned to angry 😈 when my car would not start. I had appointment to get to and plans for after. Nope. I got a car to get to my appointment but would have to hurry back.
I got ready quickly and got going.
Nothing felt right.
Now I was ready for tears. 😢
Fuck off tears I am driving.
So. I get to oncology. It is social worker today and after Friday in Specialist (finding two spots that have to be removed) I was just done. Tears coming while waiting.
I am not a fan of crying never mind other people seeing this. Mad snd sad and crying I make my way through some hard issues. Therapy is help. Therapy is painful.
Talking is hard.

I never want to come staight back home after. Today I had to.

Got my car going and took it for drive...battery. Hoping it is good now🙄.

I honestly feel just like it is all fucked up.
Already 2018 has two treatment procedures. One end of January and the other I am waiting for a date.
I had really hoped for a reprieve.
It just goes on and on.

My nerves. My head. My feelings about myself...
I have work to do on this.

Tired. So tired.

I keep going.
Some days I don't know why. I just know I must.

Monday, 11 December 2017

Own your Feelings

I used to use blame. It is what I knew.
Ie:
You make me feel angry.
You did that and hurt me.

I am learning that we are each responsible for our own feelings.
We cannot assume the intent of another.
We feel. Absolutely. Our responses are ours though.

There is an anology:

A joke is told two laugh, one is angry and one burst into tears. The jokster is on tv....
Each have different responses. Is this the joksters doing? Does that tv person have that power....to make you feel?

Feelings are part innate and part learned through experience.
Peer influence and life factors contribute. 

I have to own my feelings. I can make some change in my responses. I can clarify with the other person intent. I can convey what I have going on inside. I can think about my reaction.

Act
Not React

Separate the other person from the behavior...as we all make errors and do things without thinking.

Love the person
Not the behavior.

When we own our feelings we can work to free ourselves.
The feelings are real. They come from within us.
The blame game..You did such and such..is not productive.
Ie:
I feel....when such and such happened.
I got angry when such and such was said.

Own self.
Own power.

Sunday, 10 December 2017

"I just don't want to!" And my similar Stances

Some days there is not a day. I prefer to hide in any acceptable (or not) method of dodging my world as much as I can.

I feel empty
I feel beyond tired
I have the shakes
I hurt but cannot explain
I want to cry
I don't wan't anyone to see
My mind is everywhere but nowhere
I have a tight chest
I need quiet
Or my own distraction
Nothingness
Attempting to connect to the online world...is my pace and unlike fellow house member, I can turn off.
Sometimes I can't cope with questions and probing etc.
Needing space.
Alone. Slow. Basics.
Days like these are long and painfully drawn out.
I got through. Again.

Friday, 8 December 2017

Damn Body

Back to new specialist...3 hours
north of home...4 in a snowstorm!😨
It was a heck of a drive. Going north thru bush and rock on the 6 to 4 to 2 to 4 lane highway. 
Wind and snow and those crusty little snowballs...
Made it. Nerves rattling.
New Anal Cancer Specialist was very compassionate and informing and ...gentle.
It is an aweful process but I got thru the check.
I have two spots that need to be removed.
"They are nothing until they are something" is how it is.
I feel...a lot...but I am so tired.
Relief as I could feel something not right.
Anger this continues on and on ...like I am planning hospital stuff all over for New Year already.
Sad I am missing so much living time...
That Is NOT the list I want to be doing!
Maybe I need to plan Me days inbetween...yes..plan some of that much needed self care!
(Honestly my brain body and heart all just wish to wrap up tight and hide in sleep)
For tonight rest. Pull thoughts together.
Breathe lots. 😥

Saturday, 2 December 2017

Living Me

There are many things about me that are unusual. I don't advertise nor do I hide.
Mental health has been my primary focus
Many tools are handy with cancer diagnosis. Mine is Anal Cancer. Not one talked about often.
I was asked some time ago, with my cancer diagnosis, would I allow my picture to be taken along my journey?
A friend's project. As a professional photographer this friend had lost both parents as well as his best life friend to cancer. A portrayal of the person as patient. At some point to use for display for cancer awareness.
Where it goes...well we are still on that journey.
I agreed.
This is one of the first series of pictures. It was taken the night before cancer surgery.
He wanted to see Real.

Friday, 1 December 2017

Still Moving..Yet Stuck

I have do much going on.
I am tackling my physical living space  boxing up and cleaning. 
Total hell actually. A mice army to battle..
I am winning. Their hidy holes have been cleared.
It is a lot of pulling out stuff to clean and might as well sort at same time.
With that always comes memory lane. Good - Bad -Indifferent/no big link
Processing can be like yanking on scabs. Many are more like stitch marks now, and emote no great feeling or power over where my mind goes.
Happiness .. joys..loses.. regrets.. laughter to tears ..the pieces that all in all make Me.

The items. Far too many to list but years of photos. Lost pets collars and toys. My wedding certificate And divorce...(I have no children) Dad stuff.
The small treasured gifts from friends past and present. My yearbooks. Letters.
Wedding memorabialia. On and on.

I am grateful for the full life these things represent.
What to keep? Sell or give away? Toss time?
I conclude only this ~ I have too much stuff. 🙄😂
I think is a parody of the cluster fuck I call my life experiences to date.
Fortunate I have good days spattered liberally tbroughout my lifetime. I make myself have great hope for more.
I have "tough skin" perhaps. I have learned plenty.
I push on.
Lately I feel exhausted having had several back to back appointments. Lots my body and mind need to show up for. 🙃
Think think think.
The weather is cold and damp.
I have a small cold.
My get up and go...left.
So...for me I am at the true self care spot.
Rest. Get writing it out of my head. Plan the work time with less hard on self. Stretch and focus.
Anything that helps.
A few days free to just care for what I need to.

Sunday, 19 November 2017

Residual Effect

Over and over I am in nightmares. I am trapped. I cannot be freed. I am in mental ward at the hospital. ...I was...
Almost 2 weeks there. A month later I am not past it. I bundle tight and have pillows around me. A stuffed animal. A warm bean bag. Earplugs. I get in  the fresh made bed ... I cannot go to sleep.
Dark has always been hard.
Now it is so much worse.
New med added but I seem to fight it.
The hospital stay changed how safe I feel.
I am not myself.
I have more anger.
I have aweful anxiety.
I am depressed.
Stressed.

Thursday, 16 November 2017

I feel

I feel alone.
I feel abandoned
I feel angry
I feel stuck in a life I can no longer handle the coping.
My physical body I cannot connect with. I do not want to be in it.
Fresh start.
I wish.

Thursday, 9 November 2017

Doing The Time

I am doing the "time" for a crime I didn't commit.
Physically and emotionally have been taken past my line. My life a shambled mess.
Run free you all do.
I carry the bag from past and future. Today is work.
Coping daily a chore.
Pain in my body.
Pain in my heart.
Where are you?
Free

Friday, 3 November 2017

Physical health/Mental health Distaster

I had a meltdown October 12th.
I was in suicide mode.
My search for proper treatment has been long and has hit walls or been awful to experience.
I have hpv related Anal cancer.
The costs are high.
Financially...many things are not covered. Yes. This is Canada. The system, for me, is broken. I fell through the cracks.
Not one doctor treats all..or even more than one thing.
Sores on my butt for 3 yrs never touched til I hit the suicide room. The cell they keep you in while assessing you.
New spots that are not on the spot that has been cut multiple times.
Not my area each doc said....been passed around like a baton no one wants.
I searched for my own specialist. Got referred. My wait in pain was to be 6 months!! NO WAY
The last time I was left that long with spot like this it was cancer.
I know pre cancer present and was being vigilant about keeping an eye on things.
I am not a doctor.
I was done. No more ability to advocate for myself.
My mental state fractured. The repeated trauma of having my privates checked by all sorts of docs took its toll.
No more. Tapping out. Off to hospital because I had 900 pills saved and ready..
Caught.
I spent 13 days, including my 47th birthday, on the psych ward which I call hell or the PEN.
I have never been treated like that ever. Worse than had I committed a major felony.
Gaurded. Watched. Listened in on. Denied any priviledge.
If you didn't conform or agree regarding anything...even to ask for anything meant a verbal grill.
They have a scary spot they like to call the Extra Care Unit...aka "the Hole".
I saw a young man get taken there at night for refusing a particular med and not speaking. He was forced to the Hole.
A cell. Bed. Camera. Put blues on. No water or food or blanket until they decide. 5 days...he was still in there when I got sprung.
There were arts and not much more in the way of help. Know your meds or methadone clinic.
I heard murders being planned on the phone.
Calls for patient advocates or lawyers.
Filthy mouths yelling in the hall.
Verbal lashes between patients.
Nurses on their phones not paying attention as some silverwear made its way out on the floor. (Found a spoonlike shiv in the common room 😨)
Pills shared by some. Sone had stuff brought in.
Sex in the bathroom or shower. Against rules for men and women to get close...hmm it is not applied. 
Confused dementia patients nurses not assisting. Left to their walkers and hopefully a helpful roommate.
I had many sleepless nights. Some due to a roomie with dementia that was hallucinating and screaming. Also grabbing me to tell me she was going to die when I did get to sleep.
Pills and more pills to keep you in control.
Mayhem.
Terrifying.
Traumatizing to say the least.
I am still sleeping with my blankets wrapped tight around me. Feeling anxiety at high level all day. Just want to hide.

Where is the help?

The physical body is struggling. For me it has many emotions in roar.
Anger, sadness...the losses of how I feel about my body...what is my future? Alone?
Shame. I did not deserve or earn this. I still pay over and over. Me. Broken body. (Who would love this hpv girl?😶
Fear. Lots of that with my sphyncter at risk. My life at risk.
IBS in full flare and tore my rear while in hospital.
Biopsies on my birthday. Now I wait for results. I also wait for a third spot to be done.
Again..found a new specialist that is 3 hrs north. I hope for soon.
I am living on an edge with depression in tow.
Everyday is work.
How long can I keep on?
Moment to moment.

Tuesday, 31 October 2017

No Such Thing (DID)

Bahahaha. I wish...or maybe not.
Many times the abillity for my brain to shut me down, yet keep my body going as another person, has saved my life.

Compartmentalization.

I do not require you to believe me. I operate this way..and to my knowledge have for the better part of my life.

Yes. Unbeknown to myself for a very long time. I had severe panic disorder with blackouts. My diagnosis ++ has changed over the years of therapy and treatment. Labels. These to direct proper help. I continue this Work.

Blocking of memories in trauma. A way for a difficult time to be coped with.

More trauma...more Disassociation.

Educate yourself. Not my job to create a believer.
My job is to look after me by whatever means I can.

This train is rolling whether you chose to ride with me or not.

I am ME. With DID.
The 'battle' is real.

Monday, 30 October 2017

Food Issues

You don't have anything on that ( hot dog, sandwhich, salad, etc) ?
No condiments. Thank you. No. Nothing. Yep. Plain. No. Nothing on the side.
No condiments. No toppings. Slice cheese maybe. No. That is it.
Early in life this refusal of some started. Perhaps was body knowing baby skin problemz so no tomato or like dark veg. No potato. A growing list. Perhaps texture. I still have these.
Over time condiments and food used negatively.
I am adverse. I can barely touch ketchup bottle or mustard.. I don't eat at otbers if I don't know them well or the food. I try to explain...is easier to not be hungry...
Trigger for me and some I know why and some I don't. I just know my reaction remains.
I am picky. I am cautious. Paranoid at times. Food issues are tough.
I don't not eat. I adjust.

No to the stuff is no.
For me.

You want it plain?
😁

Sunday, 29 October 2017

Questions To NOT Ask Me

Are you going to be able to look after yourself?

Who will look after you?

When will you be able to hear your alters?

Are your alters scary?

When will you be well?

Are you getting integrated?

Did the hospital stay teach you a lesson?

How was the psych ward?

Do you still have cancer?

How is home?

Friday, 27 October 2017

Sprung Free

Like a mouse in a closed maze.  Blocks at every turn. I was held 13 days for suicide.
Not a place of caring and compassion.
Saw more and experienced a hell I wish on no one.
Dementia and drug addicts on methafone programme mixed with people needing immediate mental health attention.
Drugged, controlled, treat like in prison.
Don't ask for things or meds or help or anything...they add 4 days and take away any priviledge you may have earned..like fresh air.
I lived in fear. Switched constantly...but disassociation is viewed as self harm so if Wee out I was punished.
They have a place threat named extra care...aka "the Hole". A pit room with just  bed. Nothing else. You sent there if you don't conform to what they tell you to take or do....
So much was traumatizing.
I only got freed because of my physical health...exactly what landed me there.
Home. Tending my wounds.

Thursday, 12 October 2017

Done

My health issues persist.
I am sick of being sick and suffering.
My next step was sent to Toronto to specialist.
They called this morning. My appointment date is April 6 2018.
Are you kidding me????😨
I am losing my mind.
Is that light?
Hope?
This is bullshit.
4 yrs of this. Cancerous crap.
I am feeling so Done.

Monday, 9 October 2017

Full Bucket

I grew up with a great ability to stuff my emotions. For me disassociation became the emotional and physical coping.
I am crossing the age of 47 soon. Life has changed significantly.
I am often emotionally overwhelmed. YetI push it back. Instinctually feeling not safe to feel. To not show.
Sometimes the exact feeling eludes me. Am I angry? Am I hurt? Am I happy? Am I sad? Anxious..depressed...all of it..what???
I have having loads of therapy. Add oncology social worker and the bucket cap is loosened.
Tears. Hot snot. Painful flow that seems unending. Sobbing uncontrollably. Shaking.
Out with it.
It sneaks open now.
My strength to hold it in has become stength to let it out.
Empty that bucket.
It will refill.
Keep bailing it out.

Friday, 6 October 2017

Fight It

Smashing with hammer in hand. Metal to metal. Forging heat. My sword to sharpen. My tool..protection. Fight. No flight.

Anxiety perched on my shoulder.
Depression darkenning my vision.
No clear path for my body illness.

Searching for fellow warriors.
Side by side to challenge the ignorant.
Educating without delicacy.

Gloves off.

I am one.
One strong.
Never alone.
Putting my hand out.
Let us work together.
The conversation.
Meet the minds.

Unite.
Hammer it out.
Mental health to physical disabilty.
We shall not flee.
Facing my battles.
With friends in tow.
Stigma take down.
Lifting the fallen.
We will not give.
Raised swords.
Fight it.

Friday, 22 September 2017

Fall Season with Sir Don

We are changing early in Ontario. A trip to  Algonquin Park was on this perfect day.
I spent it with Sir Don (my sweet and kind Step-father) as his 84th birthday is next week.
If I could say my hero today...it would be him. Aging gracefully. A sense of humour. A man who enjoys the small pleasures of life.
I love him more than words could ever put together would convey.
As he crosses 84 my anxiety grows. How long will I have him? How long healthy as he is?  Yet I am not well...
He is truly my rock.
I have no partner.
I battle on with cancer issues.
I have mental health problems that I work on.
4 yrs of dealing with health issues has left me worn..unsure..anxiety..depressed..sad.
I know today. Today is what we have. Now.
I am glad today I had Sir Don.
A day free.

Sunday, 17 September 2017

Scattered

Sooo much I am trying to cope with in my life. I am not unique. Many people have things I have...like ongoing cancer issues...anxiety...trauma...money....depression...feeling lost.
I am unique in how I cope, or do not cope.
So much learning.
Part of me wants to just curl up and fade away.
I am in a place much is out of my hands.
With that I struggle even to do the smallest task.
#PurpleFriday for Childhood Sexual Abuse..I tweeted as much as I could.
Being unwell...mental health has been "my job".
It is good to share. I want to help where I can.
Today I was with a friend in need. Back up friend too.
I knew I was not in great shape but in helping my friend I help myself.
I pulled out for self care.
Now.
Overtired and mind racing. I am back in my own Stuff.
I truly just don't know anymore.
I am scattered.

Sunday, 3 September 2017

Parts Share Disassociation Facts

1. We are able to work as a team even if we don't agree.

2. We have different interests.

3. We have grown into our own persons.

4. We are not willing to integrate (yes we know what that is we aren't ignorant)

5. We have tried many things to help over much time...often taking turns.

6. No, we don't intend for you to know us. Know is trust. We trust few.

7. If you mess with one you mess with all. We have no harm policy but some have sharp tongue..Maddy...😏

9. There are 4 of us active. She (April) is our purpose. We are here to help her.

10. No we don't know why we are as we are...the bigs/older are learning as we go.

11. The body gets little sleep. 4 hrs...pray for nap...

12. Fall is our worst season. We each have our reasons.

I am Working On It..

When you can't find your way that's okay.
I have been really struggling with my whole well being.
Physical health is ongoing Anal Cancer issues. Limboland is stressful. Takes me to fear, anxiety...the what if's...and is tiring to be stressed (which causes me to feel ill).
I am not having much quality of life.
My emotions are a constant roller coaster.
I am often alone. Part by illness ...part by lack of connections.
These physical and emotional struggles have brought depression along....I am feeling unlovable. My body a wreck. I don't think anyone would want to be with me as a partner.
My mind... everywhere...
I work at the things I can. Staying in Today is the hardest. I worry...and letting it go is something I learn. I can...then something happens and I take it back on.
Work...
Work to stay present.
Work to keep going.
Work to feel worth.
When I am lost I reach out. I often do not want to. Necessary. For me it is life saving.

Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Health update

Anal Cancer sucks. Look it up.
I am 4 yrs dealing with this and it continues.
Wait.
I have a new tag.
The surgery area where pre cancer cells are is changing.
Cream. To help aggravation.
Wait.
Will tell surgeon so he can check when I go there next for check.
Wait.
I am really tired of it all.
This is a normal reaction.
The feelings can be overwhelming.
Angry
Sad
Hurt
Angry
Tears
Then strong for awhile.
Then not.
Chug...chug..chug...along.

Monday, 7 August 2017

Self Distraction Ideas

The alphabet game. Use alphabet to name in order places or foods or animals A-Z

Counting backwards.

7 Items line up memory game. Close eyes after lining up objects and remember order. Then switch around and do again.

Crumple paper as tight a ball as possible and undo without ripping

Restring shoelaces

Name last 15 people you spoke to in order

Drink warm water

Melt an ice cube in hands

Go for a walk...play don't step on cracks.

Make grass whistle between thumbs

Name different sounds you hear

I spy so many things and list...red or square or chrome etc.

Think of 10 favorite meals

Always remember to breathe.
In 234
Hold 234
Release 234
Pause
Repeat

Keep a list handy of How to Distract self so it is there when you need.

Thursday, 3 August 2017

Sexuality ( Cptsd, Cancer )

Now here is a topic many who have been abused have great difficulty with. Myself included.
As a survivor I can be triggered. It takes time to learn boundaries..and to set them for myself. It takes some guiding the partner to understand what is ok for me and what is not.
Unhealthy sexuality has been part of what I knew. I can still slide back to not setting boundaries and allowing myself to be hurt. I do pay later for I have learned to shame myself.
Learning to stay with healthy boundaries is difficult. I believe only those that have been through sexual trauma understand the mindframe.
Some don't like to be touched in any way. I am opposite in that I crave loving touch. Hugs and cuddles. I have unhealthly dispersed my boundaries out of desperate need for that alone. That is me.
My body is something I have come to appreciate. With sickness (abdominal issues and ongoing cancer) perspective changed. I have a body. I still have my hair. My weight is low but holds. I am lucky in many ways.
I appreciate that I am here. Am I wanted sexually? I have no clue. I don't get out enough. Anxiety issues. Not feeling well.
I question my value. Long term who'd want this mess? I know. What a question... I would tell another Of course..you are not your ptsd not your anxiety or depression or cancer...
For myself...struggling hard to believe.

Monday, 31 July 2017

Thelma and Louise (for Michelle AKF)

Thelma and Loise they came to be.
Sharing a history of misery.
Free in mind...they took on the world. Bedside warriors.
Their capes hospital grade.
Cutting loose together.
Miles apart.
Thelma and Louise.
Champions of the underdogs.
Poverty philanthropists.
Making their way in illness.
Bodies in battle.
Thelma and Louise.
Holding hands countries apart.
Praying for others..for themselves.
One lost.
Thelma floats...no Louise.
The game was over...or was it?
Thelma and Louise.
The goal goes on.
I have your hand.
I will not stop.
Spreading the message.
Sharing our love.

Suicide Talk

I stood on the line. I wanted to go.

People don't like to talk about anything where the word Suicide comes to play.
Like many things it is a taboo topic.

Cringe.

I was on the line.

My health.
My environment.
My loneliness.
Everything just came to a head.

I struggle with severe anxiety. Depression has had it's hold for some time now. Mostly linked to having cancer issues and stress.
Do I still want to go?
Not at this moment.
I am forgiving of self.
I have been here before.

In my life I have a unique defense mechanism called Disassociative Identity Disorder.
Alters/parts step in when needed.
They were needed yesterday and today.
I miss time. They were present.
Today they prevented me from going.
They stayed until I was out of the risk zone.

Keep talking about Suicide Awareness.
It could be a loved one or you.