Saturday, 8 December 2018

The 'Elephant' still lives here....

Dysfunctional families exist everywhere.

We do what we know until we learn differently.

Ignorance, silence, secrets, sarcasm, judgement, shame..they continue in my life.

Secrets are the Elephants we try desperately to hide.
Silence.
No communication. We don't speak of things in fear...
Of what?

It is a terrible feeling.

This closet is suffocating.

The pressure to not Be is too much.

All of me screams to run away.

There is no place to go today.

Safe is relevant.
Situation stuck.
No fix in sight.

Damn you Elephant.

Monday, 3 December 2018

The 'Costs' Today

Horrendous to have any medical bills as a tax payer all my life. A Canadian.
Beyond the money the costs are high emotionally and physically.

I have anal cancer. No quick fix. Cut it out til we can't.

I have been fighting for years now.

No advocate.
Blindly going along.
Mistakes being made.
Going from doctor to doctor.
I often feel like a guinea pig.

My physical pain is a constant. Thrre is nerve damage, plus whatever is going on that I have an appointment to see the specialist in January about.
I expect to be booking surgery as that seems to be its pattern.

I have a little dog. My Therapy dog. He has to have dental surgery.
This is more financial stress.

Sometimes life does give you more than you can handle. Somehow I have always made it through. I will again.


Monday, 26 November 2018

Missing You

I am thinking about you a lot.
Perhaps it is because the Holiday Season is here.

Winter is a cruel yet beautiful time of year.

We shared so much. Was a good life we had going together.

I could love you forever.
I did.
Then it was over.
Gone.
I never really recovered.
It has been years.
Seems like yesterday.

I miss the laughter. I miss your smile.
I miss the talks and the banter. We were a team.

Often I feel how I failed you.
Failed to fill gaps you needed help with. Honestly, I tried with my all my heart.

We were going to grow old together.
We were living and learning together.
Gone.

I am growing older alone.
Trying to live.
I still am learning.
I don't cope well.
There is no one at my side.
My hand is not taken.
I can only hold myself.

I mourned you.
I mourn again.
Time has not erased you from my heart.
Gone.
Not forgot.

Sunday, 18 November 2018

Find them on Anchor

"ShirleyPodcast (1 of 2)" from The We in Me on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/TheWeinMe/episodes/Author--Advocate-Shirley-Davis-9-e2eu34/ShirleyPodcast-1-of-2-a6evks

This is a fantastic podcast focused on Diassociative Identity Disorder.
I spoke to Erika on this in October.
@theweinme on Twitter.
This guest @shirleydavis has authored books that are also very informative.

Wednesday, 14 November 2018

Broken wing

Wounded bird

One winged

You cannot fly
Some think

Why don't you die..
What use are you..
What can you do..

It healed some yes

Still not just right

I see you bird

We fight a broken fight

One winged perhaps
A change to life

Adapt to cope
We do in strife

You never know
My feathered friend
In time we may find
A fix to mend

~A.R.*

Tuesday, 13 November 2018

Flowing Lines

Piled up
In white
Trees sparkle
Untouched sheet
Land asleep
Above awake
Birds flutter
Nestled in
Branches safe
Fluffed for
Warmth
Winter morn
So calm
~A.R.*

Lying beast
In dark shadows
It waits
The vulnerable
Naive to presence
Of danger
In depth lurks
An evil energy
Born within
This body
A human
Being
Growing particle
Anxiety fast
Turns to panic
The
Beast's feast
~A.R.*

Swirling mind
Thoughts unclear
Slow yourself
Take a moment
Breathe
Secrets untold
Not mine
Unfair hiding
I cannot tell
It is
Not mine
~A.R.*

Morning came
Rolling over
A night
Distraught
No sleep
So long
Burning eyes
Meet glaring
Day
~A.R.*

We took up a battle to show that we care.
Lost in war for the freedom of many.
Those who returned to carry the valour earned. Yet never the same as people for war is atrocities we cannot forget.
#RememberanceDay

Stay awhile
My world
Unfamiliar to you
Misunderstood
By many
See fragments
Flying free
Scattered mind
Feet still
Planted seeds
Growing wisdom
In pieces
Stay awhile
~A.R.*

From past to present
It comes over me
In waves of memory
Thrashing my mind
A time long gone
Hauntingly real
For it had been
I lived it
Repeating
Only in my mind
Yet fear still comes
To sit awhile
Remember
Let go
I did
It didn't
Flashback
Then gone
~A.R.

Thursday, 8 November 2018

Rough Go

I am having a rough go.
Things at home are bad. I am overwhelmed as things decline. My step father has been really sick with a cold....he is my go to person that has always been stability. Him getting older and sick is a huge triggers.
I have tears just writing this.

There is a big loneliness in me that is so painful. D.I.D.  ...having 4 alters that also feel...I have often felt like I experience 5 times the "normal" emotions. Sadness and fear in particular.

You know that my health, with ongoing cancer stuff, already has me questioning living at times when my depression is at its worst.
Last year at this time I was just out of hospital after suicide stay. Those 13 days left their mark. I struggle with going places. Being "trapped" in any way. Even just having no way to leave an outting to go home immediately feels trapped.
I am extra sensitive to things I wasn't before that October in hospital.

Brings me back to my folks. My mother changing moods and my step father quickly aging... all of his 85 years catching up to him. My mom being hard on him surely hasn't helped.

I get bad thoughts....
I want to go before him.
Yes. Suicidal.
I am getting help.
No. I am not thinking that today.
I was.
I know that I have purpose. I know it will get better. I am strong.
Phew...

I know that is an earful...or eyeful to read.

I have inner pressure (alters) I can feel pushing all this out. I guess we trust you. I guess we needed to share this.

It is far away friends like you that have kept me going. I have few face to face friends here. My siblings aren't close. Days get long and hard.

Lately I have been missing more time. Meaning alters are filling in. I know they are protecting me.

I am pushing through. I take heart knowing that even my own brain can do something to try to help me cope. I am not saying D.I.D. is fun...I just understand that I got it for a reason and I can get through things as I am.

Sunday, 28 October 2018

No Sleep

Keep pushing along.

No sleep though.

No sleep.

I have not been sleeping at night for quite some ttime. Unless I am away an alter will come out and be up all night.
I live in an apartment in my 'growing up' home.
There are many triggers as just being 'home' takes me back to lots of memories of all kinds. It would for anyone.
A particle set of memories create night fear.

Lots has changed since I was here full time last. I left when I got married just before my 22nd birthday. That was 26 years ago now.
I have lived here 7 years. The last 6 have been most difficult. As time passes it gets worse.

No sleep.

I go back to bed after being up early morn. I am sure the body had less than an hour by then. So snooze again for 2. Then I am up but dragging my butt with heavy eyelids. I just want to sleep.
I am on a new medication for pain I have been having in my hips and pelvis. Gabapentin. It also has a side effect of drowsiness. Hear hear I say! Awesome. Just let me sleep...

I stay up until I need to nap. I close my eyes but really don't sleep. I am thinking of the things I should be doing. Oh, so many things.

No sleep.

Up again. I try to accomplish even one task. My apartment is a disaster.
I am up on housing (geared to income) list. Yes...I have been waiting since that notice for over a year. Thus, I am half packed. Things are in total disarray.
Recently, having hosted a Mental Health Event, I had 15 boxes in my area that I moved my things around to make room for. Those are now gone but I have to pack the rest of my own things so I have not cleared those filled spaces. A small square of counter space remains unused.

No sleep.

I have dinner and find myself in front of the tv. I try to do something. Read or draw. I play with my dog. He is ready for sleep.
As the days get colder we feel the nesting coming on. We have had snow already.
I stay awake as long as I can.
I am not sure how much I get.
The cycle of the body being back up continues.

Dissasociative Identity can be very frustrating when a part of that system won't agree to sleep.

Nope.
No sleep.

Friday, 26 October 2018

Words

A dim bulb
Only this
The dark
Feels draining
No sound
Yet loud
Bear it
I bend
The weight
Soul crushing
~A.R*

I decide
This is my journey
I need to fight
To go where I want
To find what I need
Doing it is my choice
I will not give up
Today

Taking flight
On wind
Leaves fallen
Swept up
A flurry
Of colour
Swirls away
~A.R.

Her eyes so deep
Inviting warmth
A gleam of devious
Yet soft in spirit
See her soul
Through windows
Lenses of life
To her heart
~A.R.

From past to present
It comes over me
In waves of memory
Thrashing my mind
A time long gone
Hauntingly real
For it had been
I lived it
Repeating
Only in my mind
Yet fear still comes
To sit awhile
Remember
Let go
I did
It didn't
Flashback
Then gone
~A.R.

Shades of fall reflect off tears that drop to puddles.

Thursday, 25 October 2018

That birthday

I put my face in the corner...any corner would do. Hide the crying I could not stop.
On and off like a tap all day.
Shopping. I hoped it would distract me. As the tears flowed and people passed buy with their bags of purchases.
"Pull it together" I tell myself.
I just can't I am weeping.

It's my birthday. October 23.
Honestly, the inconsistancy of my entire life has made birthdays a hit or a miss. This one was extra hard.

No planned Ripleys.
No planned dinner.

I had already started in a rough place and I could not shake it. A bad series of flashbacks. Nightmares.

"Get over it...just get past it. Let it go."

A year ago I spent my birthday in hospital.  It was my 13 day stay for suicide. It was not compassionate nor helpful. Having Disassociative Identity Disorder was not understood. My days were very hard and quite scary at times. Some I do not remember and some a blur.

I do remember my birthday for the most part.
At 8 am that day I had some surgerywith biopsies. Frozen only. I went back to the psychiatric ward.
There really are too many incidents to get into. It was traumatic.
It was a couple of friends that really made it a survivable birthday there. Xo

This year it just hit me hard. My day went awful. Again a friend got me through. Let me cry. Did what they could try to turn it around.

In the process a light switch in some place within me went on.
No longer pure darkness.
The tears stopped.
It was a few things together, I figured out later.

It is amazing how things can get turned around....

I now will celebrate my living another year another day.
I now see a value in myself I had not.
I will fight for my happiness.

Share your Sparkle! 😁

Tuesday, 16 October 2018

Podcast

Listen to April & The Crew- Functioning as A System from The We in Me on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/TheWeinMe/episodes/April--The-Crew--Functioning-as-A-System-e2bt2o

Sunday, 14 October 2018

You bet I did

I pulled it off. A mental heslth event to raise awareness.

The Faces of Mental Illness

(I)llness to (We)llness

I was host and MC.
Through exhaustion, stress, anxiety, I spoke off the cuff and felt strong enough to get it as right as I could. I spoke from my heart. Strong and clear.
Yes. I astonished myself.

I did not raise the hoped funds for CMHA Simcoe County.

The total is not in for sure.

Having not planned an Event of this magnitude before I had 120 seats with wanting 'bums' in them.

I have a soft heart and gave many tickets away.

I had several vendors that had Mental health related things to sell (raising funds for their own charities) So I paid for added space and chairs to accomodate. One vendor showed. I had not charged for tables...

Half my seats were empty. Also several who had reserved tickets not paid for sat unused or paid for.

Yes...(the low turn out) this lowered donations dramatically. Draw tickets sold but was not anywhere near what I had anticipated.

UPSIDE

My thanks to all who made their way.

It was truly an amazing night.

I honestly hope it helped you in some way.

Hard work done. Goal accomplished.

Speaker headed back to Chicagoland.

Thank you Natalie Harris, Erika Reva, and Michael Landsberg for speaking their truths.

Thank you to each who donated books, draw items, artwork and poetry as well as time to help make this happen.

Time out.

I did it.

WE DID IT 😉

Monday, 1 October 2018

Speak to me

I want to hear you.

I know we are  in the darkness. I feel the tears on your cheeks. Your pain resonates through me. Tearing you and me apart inside.

It is now. But that past lingers. A cloak that often gets heavy. We pull it off and freedom comes. Even in the darkness it feels like light.

You are screaming. I want to hear you.

Your story is silent. Please tell me.

Where did life take you?
That time I cannot see. So long ago. Yet it stays within.

Eyes open. I know you are there...but not. A memory has you. Locked in a piece of time.
You shudder and wail out.
I want to hear you.

There is no sound. I feel you. Your pain is mine.

A letter to an Alter (DID)

Monday, 24 September 2018

Write It

Layers unravelling
Hidden beneath
Keep peeling
Away the shell
Inside
The core
All layers gone
Reveals Nothing
~A.R.*

Lies and deception
Land of no honour
Turning backs
Self agendas
Look up
Look away
Look inside
Where is the Win?
Grab hands
Hold tight
One world
One fight
~A.R*

Traced around
Innocence shattered
Like porcelain white
No tears to shed
Trace the line
Make the shape
Once held this soul
Forever lost
~A.R.*

Morning comes
Darkness hovers
Broken mind
Shattered heart
No magic
Slow heal
~A.R.*

Wednesday, 12 September 2018

Where am I? Where I am

Where was I?

Some days...not as of late, but there were days I woke feeling good...long ago I had days of great and a period of rocking it.

Inbetween always came the nasty, bury my head, waking anxiety or full panic, spinning minds, tears, fears and doomed, with "it's all a catastrophe just play dead".

Often I was in a place that Dead sounded as if it called. "Free yourself. Unshackle yourself...come..leave that living hell..
Sleep the neverending sleep."

I have had several plans in my life of going out that door with Death. Somehow, most often a person or several have pulled me out of that place in my mind.

I am closely approaching another birthday. A bittersweet one at 48. My last was spent in the psych ward for suicide. Much was in my life that felt I was done. I could fight no more.

It was hell. I have no words...I am still suffering for the 14 day stay. Terrifying.
Our local hospital. Long ago it had been a place of help. They had outpatient services for adults. Time with social worker. Programs.

'SAVE MY LIFE SCHOOL" by Natalie Haris is about a program this hospital did. I know because I did it in 1989 and again (twice back to back) in 2006. It doesn't exist as it did.

I had to have my own release plan to be signed off to leave when I stayed.
There is no follow up but for 15 min psychiatrist for med adjustment or emergency.

Burns my ass this community I reside in continuously is out raising money for a government funded youth mental health center while no one is doing anything for those who have suffered years. The adult care is cut.

I regress.

Where am I?

I hate it. I hate that. I feel angry.

It is changes.
I am scared.
I feel unsure.

I am distracting.  One month to big Event I somehow have planned and am executing with help.
Nervous...anxious...firm in my goal.

Then Ahhhhhhhh Terrified.
I will do it. It will be ok. 😳

In my mental health I am struggling. Fighting the inner and outter battle. It really is a total bummer.

My energy and motivation are nil. I took a rest pj day and felt guilty as there is so much to do.

Oh ya. Gotta pack. A move will 🤞 be coming we just going to get a surprise call. Be ready.

Financially I manage. Yes. I am poor by dollar standards. Fortunate I am good at make do. I have well based money fear and a healthy respect for it. I would still love to send smile packages but the cost for postage got ate by a medicine not covered. Yes...this is Canada...surprise, we pay out of pocket for many things.🇨🇦

Health a couple tests but I think I am on the reprive until January. I am ready to turn that whole deal off but you don't tackle cancer issues by ignoring. ( So I have been told. 🤔

Loneliness is my companion.
If you figure that out....🤣😂

Tired is what I have right now. I seem to have it constant. Lulls of energy. Not much. I am fighting the darkness. Anxiety is regular. I am getting as much help as I can.

The key to Where I am is the Will to get to the next part.

; My Story isn't over.

Tuesday, 4 September 2018

Worth/Alone

Who would want a relationship with me?

I am suffering from mental illness. I fight for a happy moment.

Physically I continue my cancer journey. It is not pretty.

I am often alone. It is very hard.

I want to live out my "List" of to do's. I want to share that with someone special.

I have a few good friends. Busy lives of their own.

I snuggle a teddy bear and extra pillows.

I often think this is not much of a life.

I fear that I am not ever going to feel that kind of love again.

Damaged goods..

Wednesday, 29 August 2018

Me, Mental Health, and Cancer

I have an ongoing cancer.
I had my 3 month check.
I haven't been feeling right...
I have more tests which is always stressful.

I feel so many things.
I need a break for awhile.
This choice is mine in many respects
I am surviving Anal Cancer. It is similar, in some respects to skin cancer. Mine starts small as spot and spreads like little cauliflower along the surface and then inward. If left its progression will be a huge risk to my sphyncter.
Colostomy....
Mestasis....

For me it is a lot of unknowns. Oncology has brochures on all kinds of cancer but not mine.
Information on the web is not always reliable or accurate or does not pertain to my scenario.
There are few specialists in Ontario. The treatment available here is not as forward as other places.

I feel so much.
I feel numb.
I feel devastated.
I feel confused.
I feel.

Spin

Thursday, 16 August 2018

A poem

Throwing away lines
No standards or boxes
She tossed aside it all
Raw and exposed
An end of chains
Imposed and self enforced
Series of Masks
Scattered
And here she whispered
"I am lost in the dark"
~A.R. *

Wednesday, 15 August 2018

🔒Mad...about You and You

Mrs. Sasquatch was of the western dark clan. Her hair dark and course.
Mr. Sasquatch was a light brown. A thinning head with grey throughout. His clan was from East.
This distinction is important. Their clans were certainly had great history of bloody battles.
Time had not healed many rifts. It had become almost innate to turn on each other.
At first love had them blinded to each others falacies. Time wore off the cuteness of the others behavior to absolute disdain.
Perhaps it was age. Whatever the case to be witness to the disintigration of what was once love is heartbreaking.
One verbal bashing after another. Slick sarcasm and sharp tongues.
Then silence. A wait in tension for the nasty to raise it's ugly head.
Aging can be cruel. Sharing the moments is very important as we enter our final phase of life.
The Sasquatch couple...aging badly
I see and hear in sadness.

Friday, 3 August 2018

Waking Anxiety-Days...

I have waking anxiety. I have been struggling with depression. It has bogged me down. Lack of sleep. Worry for worries sake. Life circumstances and I am overwhelmed by my life.

Stuck in a place that I am falling further in depression.
It is great for another to say "just think positive". What you think and what you feel do not always match.
I want to be positive.
I want to feel that happiness.
I want to smile brightly from my heart.

I have darkness. Rolling fog.
I cannot find the positive switch. Flick it on. I can fake it. Looks good on the outside but dying within.

Waking anxiety is brutal. I am running before I have lifted my head. Heart racing, sweats, tight chest. Fear on me with a mind feeding it.
I breathe. Do slow stretching to distract. I tell myself I am ok. I am safe.
Reality is not so much that way.

Many parts of security are comprimised.
My freedom...I live in apartment with my aging parents. Yes I have mental illness. It does not negate my abilities to look after me. As I have D.I.D. and alters I am well equiped. I have for 47 years.

My choices for home..I need to move and I am on a list. The wait is not determined..nor where I will be located.

My little dog for therapy is not certified...will he be ok to go with me??

I am surviving cancer. Watching and cutting. I leave my hair grow because I have it until things worsen.
Last surgery was April 9th. I know things are not ok. Pain in a fresh area. Sore in a way I have come to see turns not good.

A part of my thought is that I don't want anyone to touch it anymore. Leave me alone. Let it grow. I don't want to go for more cuts. Or anything at all. Go Away!!

Part knows it can't be left. It could go very bad and colostomy certain.
Fk fk fk. There are no words for all of this!!

Keep going. You are strong.

Waking anxiety...It needs to stop. No day should start that way.

To all of you who follow me...who care..my friends..family that honest in caring...send me the push to keep on.

I am #SickNotWeak. I will #keeptalkingMH

Friday, 27 July 2018

Enough of Me

I cannot be more than I am.
I can stretch my limits.
I push beyond my comfort.
I will not please everyone.
I must please me.

Knock me down.
Not enough.
Hurt inside for this is all I have.

I gave.
To depletion.
I took time to rebuild.

Torn down again.
Not right. Not perfect.
Expectation not met.

I am me.
One person.
Hurdles behind and hurdles again.

I can only walk my path...often I crawl.

See me.
Accept me.
Enjoy while I am here.

That is all I can do.
Focus on what is.
In moments.

Saturday, 21 July 2018

Blurbs of Words

And then there was silence
But never in her head
A confusion and flurry
Within her
~A.R*

Survived
Survived
Again
Survived
Life's course
With risk
A list to fulfill
Survive
Before
Eatten alive.
~A.R.*

Of all the things I knew
Of what I'd learned
The life experienced
Much still illlusive
My heart
Searching
An answer
Does it exist?
~A.R.*

Held back
One only
Holding so much
Running
Freeing
Shedding away
Yesterdays'
Dropped
And disappated
The tear
~A.R.*

I won't be your puppet
I am nobody's fool
A promise is a deal
Let's be real
I be as I am
Do not misunderstand
Reach deep
To understand
Be there
No games
No deals
It's now for me
Let it be
See
~A.R.*

Thursday, 5 July 2018

In Today I Stay

Instead of living in the pain of my past I acknowledge it. Chosing to make it a foundation for today.

It can be hard within our daily challenges to find find peace within ourselves.

I will be who I am.
Some things...like triggers will happen..crummy days where I do not feel gratitude.

My point is trying to shift focus.
Forward.
Purpose.
Facing today's challenges and finding tools and resourses to support my physical and mental health.

I have learned many things in my life experiences. It's my story. I need to keep moving with it. Let life evolve and emerge.

Doing it is the challenge! Accept nows stuff. Never easy. Focus on moments knowing that the today and tomorrows are mine.

Staying mindful of each moment is difficult for me. Busy brain does not want to settle. (PTSD)

One practice that does seem to help is Tea Meditation.

Here is how Charlie K. (Charlie's Planet - blogger) describes it;

The power of tea
Practice mindfulness with a steaming hot cup of tea. Feel the warmth on your hands as you hold the cup, watch the steam rising. Study the bubbles, the colors, sizes, shapes.
Take a sip, try to taste the distinct flavors, feel the warmth wash through your mouth and glide down the back of your throat all the way to your tummy.
Try to stay in the moment, experience the here and now... It's just you, the tea, and peacefulness...
You will likely stray... Often... When you do take a deep breath, blow it out hard, and refocus on the tea.

There are many techniques to help focus.

Being in the now is freeing.
I worry less.
I can calm myself.
I can enjoy my time.
Declutters the dusty thoughts.

Using the past as a stepping stone to forward growth.

Saturday, 30 June 2018

Stressing

I am at my line on how much I can handle. I am okay with that some days.
Many things are not in my hands and I just have to be patient.

Oh...so much easier said than done!

Self care is essential.
But so are food, water, shelter etc. In this world these things cost money.

Yes money stress is nasty.

I live on a tight budget. I save little bits over a long period.

Things do suddenly happen. A home repair. Something break. Unexpected expenses.

I expect most people experience this at some point in their lives. I know it can cause all sorts of problems. A catalyst at times to marriage difficulties, individuals doing money juggling just to eat, depression can set in, paranoia of loss, anxiety and so on.

How do I cope?
Short of robbing a bank or begging on the corner (😋) I make do.

I breathe lots and know for me it has always worked out.

Time.

Look at the free things life offers and try to remember what is going right.

No matter how small, good things and any progress or things to smile for count.

It will get better.
Hold on.
Stay strong.

Tuesday, 26 June 2018

Vulnerable

Being sensitive. Feeling vulnerable.
I am in familiar territory.

Fear. Back against the wall. No one can help. I cannot help myself.

I say I am surviving cancer. It is ongoing. The choices not great. I am tired.

Where was I going with this?
Right. Vulnerable.

Even the greatest of warriors have their weak spot. Achilles heel as it may be said. We are each vulnerable in some way or at some points throughout the course of life.

As children we took our lead from our peers. Our skills, language, beliefs etc. are formed in adolesence.

Some children don't learn what they need. Some learn through abuse. Some develop abnormal coping skills or behavior. Or perhaps lack skills for adulthood.

I remember when in jr. high they were pushing us to strive for excellence but to also be a 'well-rounded' personality.

Me.. many skills..master of none. Lol.

Vulnerable.

Having to ask others for help.
As an adult, not well, this has been very hard. I want to be able to do all on my own. Today I cannot.
Realistically, in life, we all have to reach out to others. No one has all the answers.

When you are more vulnerable...perhaps you have few people in your immediate life or range. It can be extra hard.

That saying "once burnt, twice shy" may apply.

If you have been hurt, felt used, felt betrayed, etc. You can be skittish to approach anyone. Trust becomes a problem.

It is then...being vulnerable we can search for help through local organizations, hospitals, city halls, your gov't offices..
Ask through a trusted source.

It is never easy.

As adults we have to push to care for ourselves.

Truth. Sometimes specific help is not available.
Continue searching.
Keep asking.

Vulnerable is not weak.
It is finding strength in the will to care for self.

Saturday, 23 June 2018

When It Sucks

I am at a place in my life where things really suck.

My mental illness does not define me (PTSD, D.I.D., depression, anxiety).

My physical illness (Surviving cancer ongoing issues. 6 surg in 5 years) does not define me.

It does suck today.
Right now my circumstances are as they are.
I am doing the things I need to in order to keep going.

I have a list. A Living List.
I am not much for the Bucket. Lol.
I have a run on list. I keep adding.
For me that is Hope.
Hope I can.

No one knows about lifetime.
I often ...very often..want to leave. I hold on to that list. I hold on to my family and friends.

Acceptance is never easy.

It is ok for me to accept without liking it.

For now I keep doing what I do.
Sharing and caring.

For you.

For me.

Why a Time Out?

I woke in tears. Days of this were wearing on me. I felt vulnerable, stuck, alone and afraid. Depression had me. I wanted out. No more.

It was not the first time feeling suicidal. I spent 14 days on the psychiatric ward last fall.

How does one get to this point?

When did the light to fight go out?

Everyone is different.
Our differences in coping tools, life experiences, ability of the mind may be impaired by mental illness.

Why does not much matter.

The solutions can be illusive. Some places have no help available. Some specific illnesses take more time and assistance.

When I hit this place of doom I am instinctually wanting to hide. I lose ability to communicate for me. Like many others, sharing has been silenced or unsafe.
Secrets and masks are held. We cover ourselves.

I have found a wonderful set of people on twitter. I have become distant friends with many. I put out the message for help.
The response was overwhelming. I could feel the caring and kindness of so many. I felt loved.

I also did not feel worthy of it. My message box was getting busy. I had no words to share. Stuck.

I got in touch with my psychiatrist. I was given medication adjustment. A plan of self care put in place.

Time out. I am in time out.

It is work. Looking at self. Learning acceptance. Working on staying in today.
It is time to build my own strength back up.

I have to heal, grow and replenish.

I am still here.

Friday, 15 June 2018

Dungeon no Dragons

I stood on the steps for a long time. Downstairs. 12 steps.
The Dungeon to me!
It was like a grip around my throat and chest.
Fear.
Years had passed.
The feeling had not.
I felt sick just thinking about it.
I pushed the memories back.
Breathe.
That was then and this is now.
Breathe.
It's safe.
That space is different now.
It's now my home.
Made into an Apartment.
All changed.
Breathe.
Go down.
Same space.
Dungeon.
Now with no Dragons.

Wednesday, 13 June 2018

Self care Items for Thought

I asked and the response was fantastic.
What would you include in self care basket?

So here are a mix of ideas. Some mine. Some from others.

~ Adult colouring books are ALWAYS relaxing.
Did you know they also make travel size colouring cards with mini pencil crayons?
Or there are the handy etch a sketch or buddha boards.
Art kits can also fall under Creative Distractions.

You can get some supplies at the dollar stores, Chapters/Indigo/Coles bookstores or in the USA - Barnes and Noble.

~ Tea.
Or a gift card for your local tea and coffee spot.

~ Chocolate...
Or sugar free candies.
Fun candy like the string candy necklace or lollipops.
Trail mix or easy snacks.

~ Candle or aroma diffusers. Scents that are calming.
A Vicks nose inhaler can also be a destressor.

~ Bubble bath and skin lotion. Lavender, peppermint, calming scent sachets.

~ stress ball, fidget cube, fidget strand, mini cube puzzle, stretch items to keep hands busy, silly putty or similar play mold. Yoyo. Dammit doll.

~ Find it picture books. Crossword or word find puzzle book.

~ Sparkle wand or wish wand or glitter stick.

~ Multi color Post-It notes
A paper journal and pen.

~ Mental Health workbook. Positive affirmation books or magnets.

~ mini flashlight or glow sticks

~ worry stone or crystals, worry beads, 108 bead braclet or neclace

~ small wind-chime, relaxing music or guided meditation cds or dvds

~ hot/cold pack, magic bean bag, heating pad, cool neck gel band

~ List of online and offline help resources available.

~ body pillow, stuffed animal hug size, fuzzy ball.

~ boost or meal replacement bars for nutrition

I know there are many more.
If you have ideas leave a comment!

Monday, 4 June 2018

When Your Plate Is Full..Add An Egg

I have far too many things going on in my life...most of which I have no control over. I find this overwhelming.

I add mental health and physical health issues that require much energy and ongoing attention.

It seems to be more than a person should be able to take.
At this point I often just want to quit altogether. I feel Done!

So...I added an Egg. This is a task. A big task.

I am putting on a Speaker event in my community.
I started early..

"Who the hell do I think I am? Am I out of my mind? Who does this? I am only a person...one body....REALLY??? Why?why? Why would you take on such a project??"

Purpose. That is why. I may not be well. I may not be rich. I am smart. I have time. I want to bring this to my community.

Yes it is s BIG Egg on top of that full plate.

I will take my time.
I will share some of the Egg (ask for help). Like the Egg....I am stronger than one might think.
I will serve up this Egg even if it is a bit scrabbled. 😁

Sunday, 27 May 2018

The Head Panel Talks

Do you have one of these???

It not really voices. More thought patterns.

Perhaps it is the influencers of our past that are pushing us in different directions.

Those inner pieces of us that have us question or work out decisions day to day.

Sometimes it would be nice for them to shut up. Lol. I am not fond of the intrusion, particularly at night.

The Voice of Paranoid
The Voice of Reasoning
The Voice of Comparison
The Voice of Catastrophe
The Voice of Appearance
The Voice of Negativity
The Voice of Anger
The Voice of Curiousity
The Voice of Judgement
The Voice of Compassion
The Voice of Regrets

And so on....

Mine sure gets busy.
The Head Panel likes to 'talk'.

Friday, 25 May 2018

Illness is not by Choice

Whether it be physical or mental health no one chooses to be ill. The status of the illness must be determined by the medical community. Diagnosis may take long and arduous procedures and testing to determine a route of treatment. For some illnesses it may take a long time and a lot of trial and error before finding the right treatment plan. At any time this could change as the illness progresses or if it does not respond.
For many with mental illness the stigma associated leaves them in hiding not seeking treatment and therefore suffering alone. In some places some disorders are not understood well or mental illness is not considered a priority and no treatment is available.
Striving to survive everyday I look for ways help myself. I have a medical community. I have a therapist. I have a great social worker. Many still do not understand my disorder. Including my local hospital. So if I am suicidal, and because I have disassociative identity disorder, I may be in an altar state seemingly calm. An altar is not me. The altar is calm and trying to help. It is me the host, that is in suicidal distress. Last time they sent me home. Fortunately Alters kept me safe.
A childhood that was not of the norm, with many moments of traumatic event left me with a defense mechanism that even I don't understand. I did not choose to be this way. But it has saved my life on many occasions.
Depression and anxiety take me daily. I have a hyper-vigilance, and very sensitive. Easily triggered at times. Yet I push forward and I do my best to live a giving and kind life. What more can you ask for? I am one of the ill, the mentally ill.

Monday, 14 May 2018

Ignorance

Ignorance is the foul underbelly of this Society.
It reigns supreme on its pedestal.
In bliss thriving amongst the closed minded.
Until it is experienced a mental illness is deemed for the weak.
How far from the truth!
1 in 5 is a statistical fact.
1 in 5 will experience mental illness in their lifetime.
Strength is said to come from within.
The mind is the powerful guide to manuevering  life.
Think of a safari in the wild unknown without a working guide.
Ignorance will not help you find safety.
Eyes open.
See those that suffer.
So many fighting.
Will you be part of the problem?
Will you chose to be part of the solutions?
Look beside you to the other 4.
1 in 5.
One you know.
Take their side.
Open your mind.
Get informed.
Love them healingly.
Share those truths.

Thursday, 10 May 2018

Come Back*

She had worked so hard through her demons. She faced her own battles day in and day out. Having faced health issues for more than 4 years she had come to know her purpose as being one to blog about her mental disorder and illness as well as Wellness tools.

She also chose to advocate for others who may be suicidal or feeling down. As often as she reached out for a hand, she was the hand. A friend to many. Often hiding her own pain.

The Demons of the past came knocking. A childhood friend.. someone who needed help, reached out to her. Of course she would not turn away.
Yes 30 years had passed, and they had a history. Some he did not know. Some he did. But 30 years was a long time and she was afraid. He did not know her. She did not know him. Nor did she know if she could trust him. She took the chance.

After meeting several times she shared her own struggles and hopes of showing that he was not alone and that she too was different and that we were all unique. After some time she received a text. It was mocking in nature. Making fun of her disorder. Disassociative identity disorder, the one she took the time to share. She had trusted him and in turn he mocked her not knowing the damage it would cause.
She felt she was a freak. She felt vulnerable and exposed.

6 days in. Her Alters are still holding fort. She is in and out as fear consumes her. Yet she has some help working it out. As protectors her Alters have had her to the hospital for therapy... to see if she could stay to get help. After being turned away to stay they still hold fort.

Feeling soon she will come to the surface perhaps stronger than ever. As altars protectors our hope is that she continues her good work that has become her Purpose. Come back back kind one.

Friday, 27 April 2018

Got your hand

I have your hand fellow warrior. Whomever you are. Whatever your battle is. I may not have the same, but I know what it feels like to fight...with days perhaps you just may not want to.

I get that.

I do a lot of breathing.
I am focusing on just each moment.
Looking for the little things that can help me keep going.

My desire is to isolate.
I do not want to burden another.

Someone said to me " why do you decide if I don't have time for you?"...They are right. I need to reach out. The other person can decide if they can help.

I make small goals.
Each day push on.
I still have things to do!!

So if you are in the crap boat...I am with you. Flashlight in tow and life vests.

I got your hand.

Thursday, 12 April 2018

Recovering from Surgery

I am recovering from Rectal Surgery. Waiting for results.
I am relieved the surgery is over. It wasn't my first there and I can only hope my last...anal cancer is no fun.
It has been a very long road now. Years. Several surgeries.
Fingers crossed.
Staying positive is a great saying....when it isn't your butt in pain. When it isn't your battle.
I try very hard.
Some days it is just not there.
It is a process.
My life has been flipped and turned and upside down and righted. I am not quite righted. Lol.
Doing my best under the circumstances.
And moments of smiling...don't make me laugh..it hurts. 😜

Wednesday, 28 March 2018

Enough is enough!?!

I have these imaginary lines. Things I have learned about myself and continue to learn. Thus creating more lines.
Like the "don't eat one more bite.." or " I will unfriend someone I feel crossed boundaries" ...

Lines for myself are often pretty high in expectation.

What is the line of enough emotional pain?

Enough is enough is where I am at with both my body and mind.

Some more surgery on the 9th. The Ongoing Saga from hell. (See past posts)

I just have really fought long and hard.
I am going to see how this round goes.

The line..

Monday, 12 March 2018

A Time of Love 🔒

A kind man. Hardworking. Slowly he reached. Gently running his rough hand over her naked flesh. Warmth rushed through her.
Desire pulsing.
Her skin was soft and he felt need to touch all of her. Just her.
From her thigh to her hip. He grazed with his lips.
Up her side. Laying kisses along the way.
His hand tangled in her long hair. Pushing it aside to reveal her nipple.
She trusted him. She openned to him. He looked into her deep eyes. Like her heart..so full of hope and love. For him.
She was complicaticated, emotionful, smart and funny.
A gaurd up. With glimpses of wild abandon.

It is a memory of love once had.
I fear I will never feel it again.

Thursday, 8 March 2018

Mask

The mask is heavy. I put one on day after day.

Alone. I have my face. My pain. My anxiety. My depression.

I push hard to keep going. To be part of this world. To contribute where I can.

I am struggling to accept myself. Where am I going? What will happen with my physical health? Who am I?

It has been a very long haul with my body. I feel I am no longer me. I cannot go on as I was.

I blog about having PTSD with Disassociation. I am not blatent about it in my daily life. I do not wear a sign. It is part of me.

My physical health has a whole different set of changes and problems. It has been ongoing so long. I have been on my own with a few close people helping.

I really would like to have that special someone. I realize that I have a belief that it will never happen.

Challenge the belief....
Rebuke it.

I am having difficulty changing that belief.

Saturday, 3 March 2018

Debunking Negative Self Talk

Often we have many negative things we have been told and tell ourselves. This negative self talk can be demeaning, disarming, shaming, demoralizing. It has no basis. No truth. Easily, we are vulnerable to believing these things.

The words we mentally hurl at ourselves are debilitating. Damaging our feelings of value and self worth. Promoting depression and anxiety.

Where do we get these words we tell ourselves?
Who's standards are we trying to meet?

In the process of healing. Looking for wellness we must refute and debunk these sets of words and negative beliefs about ourselves.
What are the truths? What is real about you?

To debunk those thoughts make two columns on paper. Write down the negative thought then puts truths in the other column of things that you see or have done that prove the thought incorrect.

Practice this to train your brain to turn those thoughts around. Lift yourself.

Know that you are more than you think.

Monday, 26 February 2018

A 'Good' Day

I picked myself up again. Literally pulling myself by will out of bed.
It is safe. You are fine. Nothing to think about but going for your coffee. Morning semblance of roution.
It was decided after two 'crying' crap days today no crying.
I would avoid some triggers. Get outside. Go out.
I did. I challenged myself. I went to a couple places I normally avoid like the plague. I went. I shopped.
I....dallied a bit...it is normally a race. Get in get out.
I actually browsed.
I breathed my way through.
It was not a picnic.
I accomplished what I set to do.
I breathed through after when I returned home.
No tears.
It took some doing to avoid some things but I managed.
Grateful for a Success after many awful days.

Sunday, 25 February 2018

Hope

Hope crawled out from beneath her rock....all clear???? A sliver of Light who called to her.
Warmth took her hand.
Air filled her and pushed her along.
Hold on to Hope, Light said.
So I did.
~A.R.

Sunday, 11 February 2018

ToolKit

These are suggestions to keep in your tools for additional self care.

~Plush chest size comfort stuffy. Animal or pillow...
A U shape pillow can also be comforting

~Hot/cold compresses, gel packs, or bean bag. Heating pad with timer.

~Herbal Tea. Hot Water. Instant soup.

~Easy foods to prepare or have for supplements.

~Favorite snacks.

~Drink enough H2o reminder

~Protein bars or a supplement if prone to not eatting enough

~List of Contact numbers. Friends, family, local helplines.

~ medications if needed

~lavender, peppermint or eucalyptus for calm and breathing

~ breathing technique reminder

~distraction ie Find it book
                             Wordsearch
                             Puzzle
                             Colouring
                             Lego

~pad and pen to write thoughts and feelings, goals and ideas

~music
                            

A 'Dread Day'

She woke up sweating. Her cold had not abandoned the body through the night. Crap. Still sick.
Hack, hack. She pulled herself upright. Ugh. Get up. GET UP.
Waddled off for a pee.
Yank on a sweater. She headed for the kitchen.
Wee Ticky was still asleep in his bed. All fours pointed to the ceiling. A gaurd dog was probably not his strong suit. More a floor...or face..cleaner.
This was on the Dreaded Day list. Like anniveraries of deaths, losses, bad memories. A day that just is a reminder.
There are Joy Days too.
This one was not in anyway close to Joy.
Her hands were shaking while she poured herself a cup of hot coffee.
No avoiding she picked up her phone.
Immediately the Date blinked at her.
Yes, she knew the day.
She liked to call it Singles Awareness Day aka VALENTINE'S DAY!!
At 47 she had her shared of fantastic love. That was perhaps the problem. Had she not known it she would not miss it. Too late.
Loads of hearthache sat heavy on this day.
A pretend smile if hiding was not possible.
She reminded herself chocolate would be on sale after midnight.
Not much consolation.
Pitter pitter pitter pitter. Wee paws headed down the hall. Ticky had shook off the slumber due to a full bladder. Out he went.
A wet, cold day.
No one to have a snuggle with.
The 6 pd dog didn't really fill that.
She craved human contact.
It was everyday but this day it was smack in her face.
Alone. Few friends. Not physically well. Not mentally well. Trying to cope.
Trying to live.
She remembered Living.
A Real life with a home and friends and a husband and job.
Those days were long long gone.
A long term love after. Trust broke and her heart too.
Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost.
Yes she was grateful to have loved. Just not on Dread Day.
Love was all over. But not all over her.
A life on social media. Her nose in a book. Lost in painting and drawing. Time blogging and again online advocating for mental illness.
People all over the world. Connected...but not.
Dreaded Day. She knew she wasn't alone.
The human condition perhaps. Seeking love. To not want to be so alone in life.
Craving connection.
WOOF...oh yeah...Ticky is not big enough to jump up on her chair.
Gathering him up...he is warm in her arm. Tiny kisses just because.
A fur baby.
He loved her.
She held him close. Letting him have him way at licking her face.
Set him down. While washing her face he sat at her feet.
Loyal and loving.
Her Dreaded Day could be worse.
She started to remember what she did have.
No Joy did not flood her.
She just used it to get through.
The whole day was crap. Her mood up and down like a zipper.
She survived. She was not harmed and did not lose it completely.
Dreaded Day over.

Sunday, 28 January 2018

Going to Events

Omg. Omg omg..

I can't do this

Brain: Get ready. Breathe. You have gone to loads of these kinds of things.

Not in ages...omg. What am I going to wear???

Brain:  Stay simple. Comfortable. Neutral.

Black. What do I have...mumble grumble

Brain: Get ready. Breathe. You are good.        
       
Stop fussing!

I have a battle with myself when going out. This night was a Charity Gala. I wanted to go. I had looked forward to the event. It was mental health focused. The speakers were Michael Landsberg and Sean Mccann. Natalie Harris was speaking. I have great admiration for these people. They are my peers. Mental Health Warriors.

I got there extra early. My nerves were shot already but I had my mind set I was going.

Alone I made my way in. Lordy a sea of uniforms. Paramedics, police, firefighters. In their best to cheer on former colleague Natalie.
The support of friends so important. Part reason why I made myself come.

Coat check and I feel way underdressed. I feel so alone. I want to run.
No. I made it this far...
I find the main room and find the perfect seat at the back. On the end. If Ì needed a breather or had to go out due to overwhelming anxiety I was set. I put my bag under it and my flyer on top to show it was taken.

I got a cup of coffee and planted myself there for a time. Speakers weren't for an hour.
People were mulling around. Looking at the charity auction, socializing. Laughter and reunited hugs.
Not me. I knew no one. I wanted to fade into the wall. I clung to it then made my way back to my chair. My chair. Perfect spot.

I got more coffee.
Then a nervous pee. Back in my chair.
Everyone has been notified three times to get settled in. It is time.
As I mentally praise myself for getting there early I get a tap on the shoulder...
No fucking way!!!!!
A woman with a walker has strolled in last. Her husband and she want the end. Can I move?
Are you fucking kidding me?!?!...is my thought. My cheeks are hot and I can feel tears coming.
This happens lots.

You can't see my disability. Depression, severe anxiety, PTSD...why we were here for this event. To end stigma.

She has a walker with a seat. Did not get in early to secure what she needed....
I moved over. I should have spoke. I was embarassed.

I listened to the first speaker. Moving. Heart wrenching. Hitting me hard. When they stood to applaud I pushed my seat back and out of our last row.
I got my coat and bag and headed to my car.

Do not cry!
Do not cry!

In my car I breathe. Do not give in. I came to see. I will go back in.
I spend 20 minutes convincing myself.

Back in I don't feel better. On the edge of tears I take a spot on the wall in the hall. The doors are open and I can hear Sean singing.

Then they have a break. This break felt like days.
I see Michael Landsberg of #SickNotWeak up at the front. I really want to meet him but I am terrified. I am no one. He is talking to people.
Go. Go. Go.
I take a deep breathe and go to the front. I turn back. Then forward. Omg omg. I am shaking and sweating.
He sees me. Reaches to shake my hand. He is speaking to me but I am in terror. I mumble and squeek something out. Crap I don't have my phone to get a selfie.
He took one! Wow!

I take my hot red cheeks back to my bag. Get a pic. I really want to. I fuss around. He is talking to someone in uniform. Shit. I can't. I will be making a fool of myself.
No. Go. Go. Go.
I grab my phone and head up. Standing back I try to be nonchalant. I feel I stand out like a sore thumb.
I ask please could I get a pic. Absolutely.

I watched the rest of the night from the hall. I ran as soon as it was over.

I did it.

Without My Chair.

Reality

I am feeling so stressed.
I am bouncing all over in my mind. No train of thought.
Anything and everything has me on edge.
What an awful feeling.
A mixed emotion sick skin feeling.
Anxiety hanging on.
I have surgery Tuesday then again the following Monday.
I don't want to.
I am scared.
I am tired.
I feel very alone in this.
I am living it.
It is my reality.
I honestly am not loving life.
Reality is a bummer.

Tuesday, 23 January 2018

Remembering Me

Do you remember...

When I went ahead in line to take the vaccine shot so you could see you wouldn't die...
When I came and stayed with you because your husband was hitting you...
When I held your hand and told you just to let it out and I didn't mind snot on my shoulder...
When you hurt your neck and I came and massaged it....
When I taught you to drive...
When I climbed under the barn to get you that special piece...
When your arm was going into a frozen shoulder and I camr to your house to do MRT on it 3 times a week...
I helped you pack and move...
I sent you funnies just because I knew you were stressed...
I held your head and made you tea while you were sick...
I watched over your children so you could get a night out....
I had you to dinner at Christmas and New Year because you had no one else to spend it with...
I sent you snail mail just to tell you I care..
I gave you a hug when you needed it most and again when you didn't...

I am valuable. I need to remember....

Stay?

I have really been struggling. Almost an agoraphobic response to going out.
I am in so much therapy because my mind is blown away by anal cancer and ongoing treatment.
I don't want to do this anymore. It isn't really a choice. I feel trapped in myself. I feel trapped in a life I am coming to hate.
Why should I keep going?
I am a good friend?
I have few real friends. I bought Christmss gifts for pretend friends...I wanted to feel like I have people surrounding me with love. I don't.
People don't contact me. I am tired if reaching out for a quick text response of "xoxo" or "wish I could be there".
Why should I stay?

Friday, 19 January 2018

My Anal Cancer

I have HPV related Anal Cancer. Meaning, I get spots on the outside of my sphyncter. (They can come up anywhere sexual fluids travel, front to back. Many women get HPV related Cervical cancer. My cervix is clear.) I have spots forward that were benign and two there to be lasered end of January.
Anal Cancer is spots that become tag like and the cells turn from pre cancer to cancer.
A year ago I had cancer taken. Pre cancer was left. I have two areas again. I am waiting for a Surgery date.
I got HPV from an ex partner. He had gone elsewhere. I was devastated then.
I continue to be devastated. I can't get away from it.
Everyday I have to face it again.
It is a lonely, painful and frightening place.
Therapy. Lots of it. I continue to barely cope.
Depression and anxiety are strong many days.
Sunshine comes.
It does.
I wait.
Some days it shines from me.

Monday, 15 January 2018

Cannot Go

I am set back. I have lots on my plate but that is not unusual.

I am feeling very stuck and insecure since I stayed at the hospital lock up. It was a nightmare that has left me feeling unsafe and needing my safespot immediately. Anxiety quickly turning to panic.

I had this long ago (2005) after being sick 11 month with c-difficile. I had been home too long. I no longer was managing being out.

Out is a lot of stimuli. Lights. Cars. People. Things everywhere. It is the unfamiliar. Not knowing, and lack of control.

How do I find my way back? Why can't I shake it? What do I do to help myself?