Thursday, 11 January 2018

Needing An Out

Since my hospital stay in October I have been experiences after effects.

When in hospital I could not leave. The stay was extremely traumatic.
My big fear now is being trapped. Stuck. Unable to make choices or feel safe.
I am safe. I just cannot convince myself.

I have a list of to do's. Things I want to see and do. A cancer diagnosis really made me think about the important things on life. I looked at people, places and things.

One was to visit our Niagra Falls at night in winter.

Yesterday my step father and I headed out on our adventure. Falls. Dinner. Sleepover. Breakfast. Home.
At 8 pm I could barely stand myself. My anxiety was at its peak. Home time.
I had tried to get past it.
The feeling was incredibly overwhelming.
Fortunately my step father and I had agreed that going back home was always open option.
So home we came.

I felt I had failed. I didn't stay.
I still feel badly.
I want to be past this agoraphobic fear.

I keep trying. I keep pushing.
Sometimes it is two steps forward and two back...or just one. Sometimes we make leaps.
The key is to keep trying.


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