5 Alive

It is often said that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. That each connection we make has a purpose of some higher meaning. I am a  believer.  Living into my 50s, now I have had too many life meetings to count. There have been too many connections on different levels and from brief moments to lifetime spans. But I know each left something for me to take in.  Memory is a fickle part of being human.  The capacity to hold onto all information is impossible. We forget much. Most of those brief moments with an individual get lost. Some stand out and remain imbedded in what we remember. Faces. Words. Images.  I have much gratitude for the beautiful things in people that I have had the privilege of experiencing. I embrace those fond memories on dark days. I take time to refresh long-term relationships. I take a moment to check in on one's that are quiet.  I try my best to vigilantly nurture those I encounter in my days.  I do my ...

Acceptance is one of the hardest skills I have yet to master.  The Serenity Prayer  God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change The courage to change the things I can  And the wisdom to know the difference.  God can be whatever you believe in even if it means Good Orderly Directon. A power greater than self.  Acceptance via the Oxford Dictionary in this instance means  1. the action of  consenting  to receive or  undertake  something offered. 2. willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation. Acceptance according to Wikipedia  Acceptance in human psychology is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) that is a fait accompli without attempting to change it or protest it. All of these apply for me. In pushing myself to be accepting I must also apply myself in different ways. I have some faith in life processes....

There are trials, impediments, limitations, many blocks and walls in life. Everyone faces them. Each person has different coping skills and ways to manage. Some are things that cannot be maneuvered. The wall is just there.  I have a variety of life limitations. Some I manage, cope or are blocks. For me having moments of dissociation or full split away of personality D.I.D (and severe anxiety disorder) I am leary of meeting new people,  or going where I may struggle with anxiety and be misunderstood.  I don't go far, and I am always in a struggle if it's unfamiliar. I get obscene fear. I feel ill. I get ill. It's awful when I can't control the feelings. I feel disheartened, sad, and embarrassed. I cannot be or do what many can.  I can turn inwardly angry with myself.  I can be my worst, harsh, nasty critic. But berating myself does not 'fix' the inner disorder.  I have done years of self work.  I have cycles of time I feel more free of this anxiety. I d...

Far far from perfect.  I am made up of so many characteristics. As we have maneuvered this life we know we are also a collection of flaws. Beautiful flaws as they've made me who I am.  With PTSD and D.I.D,  and just being human I've made mistakes.  I have some limitations.  Anxiety plays on me. I cannot be or do what many people can. It's a difficult path. With that does come the side of compassion and understanding of others. I can be soft and sensitive.  Empathy and kindness have grown with my awareness of these feelings and obstructions.  I can be misinterpreted as being controlling when I am just trying to protect myself with boundaries.  Flaws like shortness and impatience. I know I have these.  I have needs you cannot see or understand.  My needs seem unreasonable to you. It's me. Yes.  My ground feels unstable and I can be pushed to a place where my mind state will alter. I Switch persons inside. You cannot understand unless ...

In part the definition being the house, apartment, etc. where you live, especially with your family.  I am a family of one body. My mother is in a Retirement Home across town. My aging siblings have families of their own. They are not close in proximity. And we are not in big contact with each other.  For me I had the home I grew up in. The one from 4 to 21. I was married and made a home. Close to my parents. I could make a safe place. I was there even after my marriage dissolved.  When my house was sold, I went back to my parents.  I had a boyfriend and spent usually a few days a week there. But that didn't last. I was safe at home. As my parents were aging and things were going to change I got an affordable apartment.  I've been here 3 years.  In that time I've lost my uncle, his safe cottage that I could go to, I lost my pops/dad, the family home was sold, and my mother's in a Home.  Too much. I really feel displaced.   I haven't been able...

I'm missing him. I'm missing my pops. Don has been gone a year and a half and it really doesn't feel like it.  I'm having the cycling of grief.  It comes on hard. My heart is squeezed. I am dropped into the depths of sadness.  Memories flood my mind. Good and bad. All the things we shared. All of what he taught me. All of his support and love that I had. Oh, how I miss his comfort.  He wasn't a cape wearing hero. But he was mine. He truly saved me from a bitter life with my biological father. He helped me prevail through the time I did have to go to be with my father. He was the salve after the harshness and insanity. He didn't know it then. It would take many years for truths to surface but he knew my father was 'unstable'. I think he sensed the need for gentle love.  I'm sad. I have lost so much in my life but him gone stings the worst.  I'm moving on but my heart can still hurt. I live in a place where I see pops everywhere. My hometown. It wa...

The harsh lessons of life often leave wounds. Not all leave marks. There are hurts no one can see. The mind is their keeper. There are no bandaids. Healing can be tedious, with need for constant conscious attention. Cautious perseverance required.  Bruises and outside wounds can be part of regular life learning. It's part of living human.  Experience can be inspiring, even if we have hurt ourselves in the process. Some visible wounds inflicted can be traumas. If at the hands of another it may be a long-term process for healing.  The stains of the past can be brutal at times. With no bandaids we must seek the ways through. This can be a difficult path to manuever. Finding the right help and doing the emotional work are a choice of mental bandaids of sorts.  This life is full of challenges.  Every person, every life unique. To mend and continue on our journey will require some bandaids for best results. The paths are bumpy for all of us. Be kind. Be someone's band...

I often think to myself that there are people who are just blasting through this life in amazing ways. I think they have their shit together. Little bothers them. They are focus and purposeful on this journey.  They are the Wizards. On the other side are the lost. Lives seem often disheveled.  They appear lost. They go from task to task in a buzz. Distracted. Emotional. These are the Wanderers.  The truth is we are all a bit of both. At times we are focused and life is relatively smooth. We know what we want and we are on track.  Then life situations happen. Instability comes. Things get in upheaval. People, places and things change.  We are human and emotions run high.  Life can get messy. We can lose our way. That's the mystery of life. It's a journey not for the faint of heart. Nothing is guaranteed.  No one has the answers. Not one of us is all Wizard. Nor is one a constant Wanderer. Life will change and we must chameleon along with the changes. Ea...