5 Alive

Your hand in mind Weaving life Carried me along Wiped tears Knealt at my bed Ward off my fears Growing girl Under your wing Guided with love Taught me compassion To live with heart I didn't see  Never old to me Time came for you In bits you left I weep Lost

All I do every day is to try my best. That looks different every day. Some days i don’t want to get out of bed, somedays i think everyone else is doing better than me. Or I switch so much I can’t remember what I have done. Some days i eat cookies for breakfast or cereal for tea. Some days I go out, others i sit on the couch doing next to nothing. Somedays I feel unlovable, others i know I am loved. Or I feel like giving up on this whole messy recovery business. Other days i see a beautiful sunset, watch the birds on the birdfeeder, or can concentrate on reading a book. I can look back and see how different I am from a year ago. My best will look different from your best as we are all different. Motto of this crazy little ramble…. Trying our best is good enough. Pat.

My mind wanders off to dance with fairies of the past. Yeah, deep. That's the feeling that overwhelmes. A depth in heart. Wounded.  That's my tale for today. I lost my step dad/dad/papa/pops, my 'Rock' 6 weeks ago. He was a blissful 87, just short of his 88th birthday.  It was a brutal out/death. He was in a LTC that failed him in so many ways. Things they left undone until too late. I hurt for what I witnessed. Forever it is stuck in mind pictures. I feel I too let him down...yet I can almost hear him..." Now c'mon. You know better." He loved me.  I have a therapist. That helps. The process is different for everyone forr each loss.  I feel like I missed it....I didn't notice he got old. I didn't see the changes until Alzheimers had him.  It felt quick...a year of him being lost. His end came quick after repeated fall. Then infection to stroke thus hospitalized. 2 weeks then returned to his LTC. He was in rapid decline not esting or drinking and no...

I am proud of you for holding on despite life trials. It gets nasty and then a bit better. Always hold hope. Use your little spark of light I send you to create more in yourself. Much love from me.

Support is needed in life for everyone. Alone is not easy nor practical. The saying ' No man is an island." is a life truth that we survive together.  In times of Social Distancing, with a Pandemic, this can be exremely hard. Services and groups have gone virtual or have just gone completely.  The human mind can only tolerate a certain amount of radical changes and restrictions. Many have had their lives greatly impacted. Financially, iob changes or loss, loss of family and friends to the virus, having to move, strains in relationships, and so forth.  As a society we have angst about what life is to come next as the virus continues in waves.  It is now we are in crucial need of mental health care. We need people with new coping skills. Depression, Anxiety and other illnesses on the rise. As is the number of suicides increasing.  As individuals this is a great time to learn to build your support network.  Determine first what you may need. Examples; -Friends...

There are few knowns or facts about when where or why many things happen.  How do we get through? There is not a life handguide.  Who has the answers..who is god? We are each walking our own paths, in our own shoes.  To live. More than exist.  Facing the myriad of what life can pass you.  Those things we aim for. To pass the human trials. From birth and childhood, through adulthood to death the individual finds wisdom. It is through life experiences we use body, mind and spirit. We use our senses. We think and feel.  A series of fortunate and unfortunate events. A rollercoaster. A real ride. Life. Reactions to the world and events we each much figure out our actions for the best for self. Balancing when to speak and when to diffuse. Balance sharing and caring with emptying your own cupboard (mind/heart).  Crazyland It happens Things get "too fast for the slow part".  Meltdowns or all kinds can just break out. Fiasco, catastrophizing mind.  Be...

There are many breathing Techniques/Tools that are used to help calm minds, ease anxiety, create focus, etc.  Breathing  exercises can help you  relax , because they make your body feel like it does when you are already  relaxed . Deep  breathing  is one of the best ways to lower  stress  in the body. This is because when you  breathe  deeply, it sends a message to your brain to calm down and  relax . (uofmhealth.org) A basic tool is slow breaths. Just in and out. In through the nose, out the mouth. Sticking to it til you can maintain a steady, even rhythm.  Square Breathing is like a square. Breathe in through the nose to the count of 4. Hold  to the count of 4. Release out the mouth to the count of 4 then pause to the count of 4. Again. The square.  Deep, even opening the lungs. Working to the solar plexis and diaphram. Relaxing. You can start with a lower count of 3 and work up to a 4. Another technique (webmd) Ho...

I am writing this without the answer but here goes my attempt for the actual real 50 things I am grateful for right in this moment of writing. ( no lists or guides to help....honest! )  1. My  Dog a comfort when he is in the mood...is 6.4 pds ..more of a ewok... 2. Own safe apartment   as safe goes... 3. Can cook   bake, create, stretch budget 4. Keep my area clean   it isn't my ma's but it's good 5. Sew skill    making handsewn comfort bears 6. Can write    Blog, poetry, short stories 7. Can paint   canvas or proper paper varied styles 8. Admire junk 9. Birds 10. Fresh air 11. Sunshine 12. Seeing something cute/heartwarming 13. Seeing something inspiring 14. Real Friends 15. Social media friends and support 16. Green Apples 17. Oatmeal peanut butter cookies 18. The smell of fresh baking bread 19. Flowers  20. Music variety 21. Technology that I am able to navigate 22. Plethatude of learning material..even in pap...

If you've been following along you know we are losing our pa to Alzheimers and our ma has sold our childhood home...things are going super fast.  Lots of triggers.  Lots of sadness.  Lots of fear.  Lots of changes. Adjusting. Accepting. Very hard.  Lots of days feel paralyzing. We find solace in small things. Sit outside and just watch things go by.  Brush our dog. Do our toes up with polish. Listen to music...sometimes with headphones so it drowns all else out.  5 minutes of sewing or drawing or writing. Focus. Call a friend. (Since Ontario is still in lockdown) Call my pa or get my once a week visit.  Talk to my twitter peeps. Sit totally quiet with a cup of tea. A good nap never hurts since I get little night sleep these days. It is very hard to comfort one's self. It is hard to find guidance through obstacles only few understand.  The body is in trauma mode in many ways.   D.I.D. creates disharmony.  Challenges of past rear....

If you could catch a Raindrop in your hand, able to see its wonderous beauty.  Each unique.  Perhaps you'd see your own special unique beauty. 💧

So things have been beyond rough.  In the forefront is my pas Alzheimers. He fell. Landed in hospital. They are keeping him until he gets a home. They move him twice because of Covid cases. He is being sent back to a permanent spot.  This has been the last 8 weeks.  My mother ( who I truly believe has dementia ) is 78. She has anger issues. Loads. Venting all over. Immediately puts house up for sale and gets rid of his stuff without talking to her kids. Control issues as well...add manipulative and lies  etc.   Problems. Big problems between her and I. Lucky me, I am the only child local. At 50 I have lived a lifetime of this type of behavior from her. I try to set boundaries and she steamrolls over them. Now I am getting angry. I am also clearly afraid of her reactions.  This week was brutal. I phone blocked her but she could leave a message...so I took voicemail off...she was getting a busy signal and prepated to come over when I had decided I was ok to c...

I am in my 51st year. I live by the belief that you are 'only as old as you think'. Realistic, no. Life has had many moments of body, mind and soul hurts. Some left damage. Yet I try to have the spirit of youth. Curious and a mind to grow in wisdom. Experiences are the liferide. I have big hair that is fairly long. Brown with natural highlights of auburn, blonde, black, and thick wirey silvers I think I earned. They add to my sparkle those silver hairs.  So...it's decade 6 I have recently entered. I am not liking the numbers. I often feel it. Remembering past things gets to be a reality slap. My lordy was that really that long ago??? Indeed, these things were.  50 plus. Living in a one bedroom apartment with my little dog. 7 year old boy Chorkie who is 6.4 pds heavy. Shhh...it's Winter weight...maybe too many Covid isolation treats. Tyson. I didn't name him. He reminds me of a Wookie. A wookie..you know...from Star Wars. Google it, ask Siri or Alexa. And yes U saw t...

Boxing...It isn't literal.  Life is handing me a whopping amount of 'stuff'. Big stuff.  Currently my pa/pops/sdad is in the hospital. He had a fall and with his grade 7/8 Alzheimers they are keeping him until a care home can be found for him. That could be many months.  Because of Covid restrictions he is only allowed one visitor for one hour once a week. Also... no one til he calms...... My pain is layered and deep.  The complications are also in trying to cope as a person with D.I.D. Being 5 Alive is being in 5 different 'parts' grieving. All in different spots and levels of understanding. My pa is Our rock forever. He was safety. He was all the good stuff... We feel it is time for us to do all we can for him. We cannot. Rules. Blockers. Agendas not Ours.  We are dodging some "be happy..he is safe..." because it feels no better.  Words, comfort..there is none helping.  We would be with him day and night if he needed. We would comfort him. We would c...

The projects were some different distractions and yet non completion disheartening.  The focus was limited.  Her brain a buzz of thoughts.  Plummet...it happened quick. Perhaps a thought...something seen, a smell...they tears came fast and hot.  Her heart beat hard and her chest hurt.  Great sadness had her.  This is part of the process as told by the doctor, psychiatrist and alzheimers family counsellor. She was losing the man who raised her.  The non biological dad.  Papa.  Everything felt wrong. Her mind boggled at the fast changes in him. What it caused in her....so much. No fix. It was haywire.  Sharp, twisted, unknown, fear inducing, and sometimes had an added zap.

Your hand was so small in mine. I held tight and leaned so as not to lift you off your toes. At 3 you were only Wee with big brown eyes.  My bright little star.  I hated when I placed you on my shoulder and felt your hot tears. You were afraid. So often at bedtime this happened. I would never mind. It was more worrisome. I knelt beside your bed. My head on the side. You are tucked in but chatter away with questions.  Often I fall asleep before you.  So much is wrong and so much I don't know. Here for a bit each night. You gone to your fathers on weekends.  Your not mine in blood. But in my heart you are Wee one.  Forever you deserve the moons and the stars and beyond. My brave girl. I'll always be there for you.  Love Papa Don