5 Alive

If we could have a load of glitter that we could add a little wind to. We could put it to the air and hope it blows to cover and magically end the deep ugliness that has emerged in this world. 

It is often said that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. That each connection we make has a purpose of some higher meaning. I am a  believer.  Living into my 50s, now I have had too many life meetings to count. There have been too many connections on different levels and from brief moments to lifetime spans. But I know each left something for me to take in.  Memory is a fickle part of being human.  The capacity to hold onto all information is impossible. We forget much. Most of those brief moments with an individual get lost. Some stand out and remain imbedded in what we remember. Faces. Words. Images.  I have much gratitude for the beautiful things in people that I have had the privilege of experiencing. I embrace those fond memories on dark days. I take time to refresh long-term relationships. I take a moment to check in on one's that are quiet.  I try my best to vigilantly nurture those I encounter in my days.  I do my ...

Acceptance is one of the hardest skills I have yet to master.  The Serenity Prayer  God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change The courage to change the things I can  And the wisdom to know the difference.  God can be whatever you believe in even if it means Good Orderly Directon. A power greater than self.  Acceptance via the Oxford Dictionary in this instance means  1. the action of  consenting  to receive or  undertake  something offered. 2. willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation. Acceptance according to Wikipedia  Acceptance in human psychology is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) that is a fait accompli without attempting to change it or protest it. All of these apply for me. In pushing myself to be accepting I must also apply myself in different ways. I have some faith in life processes....

There are trials, impediments, limitations, many blocks and walls in life. Everyone faces them. Each person has different coping skills and ways to manage. Some are things that cannot be maneuvered. The wall is just there.  I have a variety of life limitations. Some I manage, cope or are blocks. For me having moments of dissociation or full split away of personality D.I.D (and severe anxiety disorder) I am leary of meeting new people,  or going where I may struggle with anxiety and be misunderstood.  I don't go far, and I am always in a struggle if it's unfamiliar. I get obscene fear. I feel ill. I get ill. It's awful when I can't control the feelings. I feel disheartened, sad, and embarrassed. I cannot be or do what many can.  I can turn inwardly angry with myself.  I can be my worst, harsh, nasty critic. But berating myself does not 'fix' the inner disorder.  I have done years of self work.  I have cycles of time I feel more free of this anxiety. I d...

Far far from perfect.  I am made up of so many characteristics. As we have maneuvered this life we know we are also a collection of flaws. Beautiful flaws as they've made me who I am.  With PTSD and D.I.D,  and just being human I've made mistakes.  I have some limitations.  Anxiety plays on me. I cannot be or do what many people can. It's a difficult path. With that does come the side of compassion and understanding of others. I can be soft and sensitive.  Empathy and kindness have grown with my awareness of these feelings and obstructions.  I can be misinterpreted as being controlling when I am just trying to protect myself with boundaries.  Flaws like shortness and impatience. I know I have these.  I have needs you cannot see or understand.  My needs seem unreasonable to you. It's me. Yes.  My ground feels unstable and I can be pushed to a place where my mind state will alter. I Switch persons inside. You cannot understand unless ...

In part the definition being the house, apartment, etc. where you live, especially with your family.  I am a family of one body. My mother is in a Retirement Home across town. My aging siblings have families of their own. They are not close in proximity. And we are not in big contact with each other.  For me I had the home I grew up in. The one from 4 to 21. I was married and made a home. Close to my parents. I could make a safe place. I was there even after my marriage dissolved.  When my house was sold, I went back to my parents.  I had a boyfriend and spent usually a few days a week there. But that didn't last. I was safe at home. As my parents were aging and things were going to change I got an affordable apartment.  I've been here 3 years.  In that time I've lost my uncle, his safe cottage that I could go to, I lost my pops/dad, the family home was sold, and my mother's in a Home.  Too much. I really feel displaced.   I haven't been able...

I'm missing him. I'm missing my pops. Don has been gone a year and a half and it really doesn't feel like it.  I'm having the cycling of grief.  It comes on hard. My heart is squeezed. I am dropped into the depths of sadness.  Memories flood my mind. Good and bad. All the things we shared. All of what he taught me. All of his support and love that I had. Oh, how I miss his comfort.  He wasn't a cape wearing hero. But he was mine. He truly saved me from a bitter life with my biological father. He helped me prevail through the time I did have to go to be with my father. He was the salve after the harshness and insanity. He didn't know it then. It would take many years for truths to surface but he knew my father was 'unstable'. I think he sensed the need for gentle love.  I'm sad. I have lost so much in my life but him gone stings the worst.  I'm moving on but my heart can still hurt. I live in a place where I see pops everywhere. My hometown. It wa...

The harsh lessons of life often leave wounds. Not all leave marks. There are hurts no one can see. The mind is their keeper. There are no bandaids. Healing can be tedious, with need for constant conscious attention. Cautious perseverance required.  Bruises and outside wounds can be part of regular life learning. It's part of living human.  Experience can be inspiring, even if we have hurt ourselves in the process. Some visible wounds inflicted can be traumas. If at the hands of another it may be a long-term process for healing.  The stains of the past can be brutal at times. With no bandaids we must seek the ways through. This can be a difficult path to manuever. Finding the right help and doing the emotional work are a choice of mental bandaids of sorts.  This life is full of challenges.  Every person, every life unique. To mend and continue on our journey will require some bandaids for best results. The paths are bumpy for all of us. Be kind. Be someone's band...

I often think to myself that there are people who are just blasting through this life in amazing ways. I think they have their shit together. Little bothers them. They are focus and purposeful on this journey.  They are the Wizards. On the other side are the lost. Lives seem often disheveled.  They appear lost. They go from task to task in a buzz. Distracted. Emotional. These are the Wanderers.  The truth is we are all a bit of both. At times we are focused and life is relatively smooth. We know what we want and we are on track.  Then life situations happen. Instability comes. Things get in upheaval. People, places and things change.  We are human and emotions run high.  Life can get messy. We can lose our way. That's the mystery of life. It's a journey not for the faint of heart. Nothing is guaranteed.  No one has the answers. Not one of us is all Wizard. Nor is one a constant Wanderer. Life will change and we must chameleon along with the changes. Ea...

Big bear was afraid.  What an ominous feeling, he thought. "I am a bear. I fear nothing. I rule much of this forest. " What is it about a hug that I fear?  These animals are small.  None compare to my ferocity.  This little raccoon is lost. He is crying for a hug. "I want mys mama. Pres hugs me. Hewp me big fuzzy" How can we do this? Bear is perplexed.  Small raccoon. Very big bear. "Kin you lay downs and I kin crawls up ond you?" Bear wasn't sure this was a good idea. "Little raccoon I am too big" A little " Pwes!!!" Bear got down. He rolled onto his back. Little raccoon crawled up on his chest. Tiny sobs eased.  A hug. Hmm...nice..Bear thought.  The sobs were smaller. Soon a forest came full with raccoons. Trees full of bigs and babies. One climbed down. It sat gently in Bears paw.  He raised it to his chest.  The two raccoon were dancing there.  Tiny feet tickled him.  Baby was found. Bear had learned something new. Hugs were the...

It's that time of year! The trees are going up with bows and bells. Lights aglow all about. Greetings in the spirit of Christmas passed around.   Things to do. People to see. Busy busy busy.... It's been a year since we lost dad /pa and it feels fresh. We want to feel the Spirit..we wish to make a Christmas.   Being fragments, living D.I.D, means several agendas coinciding uncomfortably. Businesses means dissociation time. Lost moments, hours..for me a big blank. Things are getting done one part of me or another.  Lily has been baking and wrapping. Cleaning etc. As a mother figure would.   The tree is up thanks to Maddy. Wee helped decorate.  I did the bows for the tree and got gifts. I have also baked and cleaned etc.  Team effort. It's for my ma and a friend and us.  We are missing pa badly and there are times of just being down and 'off'. The mind has to slow. The body is tired. Emotions run high. Time out is needed.  Then we are...

It has a distinct shape.  The old ones are hand forged.  They hold the ties.  Very symbolic if you think about its purpose.  A simple Rail Nail.  Bigger than most but uncomplicated.  One original purpose.  To bind ties that held rails that cross nations.  A worldwide tool.  Used by many to create connections.  I grew up knowing the Rail Nail. I still own several. My papa had a little of everything over my time, nevermind his! He passed last year. I hold my Rail Nail from him often. I know my siblings have had their Rail Nails. Some hold coats!  The Nail can be crudely made. It weather's and rusts over time. Some are bent.  I think of our own family connections. Often a disconnect, strained or just far. We have grown up and apart. Then we come together for moments and that Nail of our bond is there.  But at times I am like the bent, rusty nail that somehow just doesn't fit. I am misunderstood.  I have PTSD with DID a...

Please take note i am writing this in a spinning emotional space. This may be quite disjointed as a blog.  It has been a long hard battle to get to a state of some cohesion, with having alter persons, in my fragmented mind. (Read about D.I.D) Years of work. Painful therapy. Inner work that left me/us drained. One body, 5 persons, to have one lead and one focus... Fuck I am mad. There is a big anger. A big hurt.  Sorry but i got Stung by a new group of '"?'card friends'.  It is hard to explain as i went with a 'safe' friend.   This group had drama and things I did not know and I got caught in a 'drama game' that was at my expense.  It was an underhanded attack on my mental health.  Apparently when i confronted my friend about what was said and she explained that it was more a dig at her to say I should think badly of her. That it was to create a rift.  It really hurts because I am trying so hard to be living Real in places I make safe....

It is going way too fast for the slow parts.  Life. Mine.  The affect of others.  I love and I hurt. Life is really like an ongoing series of trials at times.  Experiences.  Some bring joy and feelings of positivity. Others hit like a 2× 4.  If you ride with me expect a harsh mix. Come prepared because it has been grueling.  A bumpy ride.  How do I manage? It is like juggling right now.  Dissociative.  Disjointed.  Frazzled.  I've been all over te emotional gambut.  Things will settle some. Good therapy has helped. Pushing forward has been an internal fight. Keep going. Bring your sword. Wear the gear. Bring your helmet!!

I was 19 when I laid eyes on him.  I was on at date and hitting the Dry AA club afterwards. I was in Al-Anon and this was a safe haven.  The date had no connection. To the side there were pool tables. Someone was new! Cute too.... I would see him in passing several times. Open meetings were a regular thing for me in those days. I had friends and a few good groups I went to meetings.   I was mending from a nervous breakdown (a story for another blog). My biological father was an alcoholic and it left its mark on me. I was where I needed and had a fabulous Sponsor.  The guy was sneaking peaks. What a smile he had!  They were obviously having fun. He was with AA men so I knew he was in the program. Getting sober and staying so was not a simple process.   Most knew me. I was a regular at the club. After meetings and drop ins were keeping me on track. I was strong. Stronger than I had ever been.   I knew this date was a bust. Letting this guy...

I dance among the days of past in fragments of me that came in order to survive. Trauma was amiss. Young mind blown apart to cope.  They call it Dissociative Identity Disorder.  They don't call it Multiple Personality Disorder anymore.  We are like a tree.  Branched off from one trunk.  Some tist and twine to support. Some are small but mighty. Some draw more energy than others. Some are well cloaked in leaves. Some are more bare with heart open. Some gnarly but growing stronger. Each day working for the good of the whole. One trunk to keep alive so all can be. One tree of branched love.

I may not be where I wish in life but I am where I am on my path. It is a journey like we all face. I wear my Grey's and wrinkles with some pride at having earned every one. I take along my side the love and kindness of others.  I use my lessons as guides for my future.  Finding peace in moments. Accepting self. Giving back.  Be you

A lifetime of living in the weeds of lies and reality manipulation it was her trials that led her to coping in ways many could not fathom.  Her mind was young and fragile. In the blasts of traumas it fragramented.  Building walls and seeking safe harbors.  It continued through her life.  The weeds followed. Added, she often made choices that had new weeds of mistruths and pain.  Relationships that dragged her back under. More weeds. A marriage failed after 13 years of her hopes dashed. Trust blown again. Her reality messed with repeatedly. Lies and addiction...the weeds covered her over. It was long years of resurfacing. Slowly peeking out to find life. The last relationship was 7 years. She thought she'd found her place. A person to go old with. Weeds grew. Betrayal. Left. Given a parting gift of hpv cancer.  10 years later, nearing 52, she wondered if the weeds would stop. She was breathing.  Peeking with hopes. Alone had become ok but no green grass...

Beyond my four walls What life to find Hopes to fill Connections to make Each day progressing  Out the door My haven left My four walls I've watched Days on end Freedom beyond Safe Harbour To expand A route to make For me To breathe Fresh air Beyond my four walls ~A.R.

I am drawn to you . I have no idea why, there is a warm feeling when I think of you.  Deeply I care. Putting my heart on my sleeve.  Yet, I know how much you could hurt me if you wanted to.  I feel a push - pull to you. Sometimes you give me your smile. Sometimes you swat me away. Harsh reality. My heart feels so much. This life is so short. Loved ones..the true kind..hard to come by.  I like you. Know this. Know I care so much. I am real. These are my truths.