5 Alive

Go ahead and ask. If you want to know you need to ask. Are you curious? Are you wanting to learn? This is how we know is to ask. Ask the source if you can. Reliable answers help. Questions are good. Do not expect an answer or an snswer you like. That is reality. Open your mind some. Ask. You will be amazed at what you could learn.

Daylight hit Eyes open Fresh start Moments To enjoy Breathe in ~A.R.* Wiggley possum I see you there They call you ugly Yet I love your hair Four come to my yard Safe to feed Watch the wild Feeling lucky Seeing life ~A.R.* Oh Mr. Racoon Why do you come? It is daylight out You son of a gun Get down the ditch Where you are safe Waddle away Fat bottom boy Eat tonight When people sleep ~A.R.* When you are just out. Out of words Out of energy Out of touch Out of patience Out of will. Think.. What do I need? ~A.R.* Peaceful tears Let go Lost time Fake world You lived Mask on Now free Release it Calm self Find sleep ~A.R. Shattered heart Pieces strewn Puzzled love Lost without Coming together Mended self Beating pulse Patched Yet giving Life ~A.R.* Slowly tread Like a thief Quiet steps Stealth body Toward light Thin crack To see Pulse roars In my head Get out Right now Find safe Door open Flooding tears Relief gasp Air ...

Tree add water Sea monkeys plus water Drops Grow Harden dormant  but still there Grow Some don't grow A bit of a defect....they are still there. Duds. They were supposed to expand! In childhood that was disappointment. Learned early not to expect. It wasn't only sea monkeys. Honestly they were the least of my worries.

Dysfunctional families exist everywhere. We do what we know until we learn differently. Ignorance, silence, secrets, sarcasm, judgement, shame..they continue in my life. Secrets are the Elephants we try desperately to hide. Silence. No communication. We don't speak of things in fear... Of what? It is a terrible feeling. This closet is suffocating. The pressure to not Be is too much. All of me screams to run away. There is no place to go today. Safe is relevant. Situation stuck. No fix in sight. Damn you Elephant.

Horrendous to have any medical bills as a tax payer all my life. A Canadian. Beyond the money the costs are high emotionally and physically. I have anal cancer. No quick fix. Cut it out til we can't. I have been fighting for years now. No advocate. Blindly going along. Mistakes being made. Going from doctor to doctor. I often feel like a guinea pig. My physical pain is a constant. Thrre is nerve damage, plus whatever is going on that I have an appointment to see the specialist in January about. I expect to be booking surgery as that seems to be its pattern. I have a little dog. My Therapy dog. He has to have dental surgery. This is more financial stress. Sometimes life does give you more than you can handle. Somehow I have always made it through. I will again.

I am thinking about you a lot. Perhaps it is because the Holiday Season is here. Winter is a cruel yet beautiful time of year. We shared so much. Was a good life we had going together. I could love you forever. I did. Then it was over. Gone. I never really recovered. It has been years. Seems like yesterday. I miss the laughter. I miss your smile. I miss the talks and the banter. We were a team. Often I feel how I failed you. Failed to fill gaps you needed help with. Honestly, I tried with my all my heart. We were going to grow old together. We were living and learning together. Gone. I am growing older alone. Trying to live. I still am learning. I don't cope well. There is no one at my side. My hand is not taken. I can only hold myself. I mourned you. I mourn again. Time has not erased you from my heart. Gone. Not forgot.

"ShirleyPodcast (1 of 2)" from The We in Me on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/TheWeinMe/episodes/Author--Advocate-Shirley-Davis-9-e2eu34/ShirleyPodcast-1-of-2-a6evks This is a fantastic podcast focused on Diassociative Identity Disorder. I spoke to Erika on this in October. @theweinme on Twitter. This guest @shirleydavis has authored books that are also very informative.

Wounded bird One winged You cannot fly Some think Why don't you die.. What use are you.. What can you do.. It healed some yes Still not just right I see you bird We fight a broken fight One winged perhaps A change to life Adapt to cope We do in strife You never know My feathered friend In time we may find A fix to mend ~A.R.*

Piled up In white Trees sparkle Untouched sheet Land asleep Above awake Birds flutter Nestled in Branches safe Fluffed for Warmth Winter morn So calm ~A.R.* Lying beast In dark shadows It waits The vulnerable Naive to presence Of danger In depth lurks An evil energy Born within This body A human Being Growing particle Anxiety fast Turns to panic The Beast's feast ~A.R.* Swirling mind Thoughts unclear Slow yourself Take a moment Breathe Secrets untold Not mine Unfair hiding I cannot tell It is Not mine ~A.R.* Morning came Rolling over A night Distraught No sleep So long Burning eyes Meet glaring Day ~A.R.* We took up a battle to show that we care. Lost in war for the freedom of many. Those who returned to carry the valour earned. Yet never the same as people for war is atrocities we cannot forget. #RememberanceDay Stay awhile My world Unfamiliar to you Misunderstood By many See fragments Flying free Scattered mind Fee...

I am having a rough go. Things at home are bad. I am overwhelmed as things decline. My step father has been really sick with a cold....he is my go to person that has always been stability. Him getting older and sick is a huge triggers. I have tears just writing this. There is a big loneliness in me that is so painful. D.I.D.  ...having 4 alters that also feel...I have often felt like I experience 5 times the "normal" emotions. Sadness and fear in particular. You know that my health, with ongoing cancer stuff, already has me questioning living at times when my depression is at its worst. Last year at this time I was just out of hospital after suicide stay. Those 13 days left their mark. I struggle with going places. Being "trapped" in any way. Even just having no way to leave an outting to go home immediately feels trapped. I am extra sensitive to things I wasn't before that October in hospital. Brings me back to my folks. My mother changing moods and my s...

Keep pushing along. No sleep though. No sleep. I have not been sleeping at night for quite some time. Unless I am away an alter will come out and be up all night. I live in an apartment in my 'growing up' home. There are many triggers as just being 'home' takes me back to lots of memories of all kinds. It would for anyone. A particle set of memories create night fear. Lots has changed since I was here full time last. I left when I got married just before my 22nd birthday. That was 26 years ago now. I have lived here 7 years. The last 6 have been most difficult. As time passes it gets worse. No sleep. I go back to bed after being up early morn. I am sure the body had less than an hour by then. So snooze again for 2. Then I am up but dragging my butt with heavy eyelids. I just want to sleep. I am on a new medication for pain I have been having in my hips and pelvis. Gabapentin. It also has a side effect of drowsiness. Hear hear I say! Awesome. Just let me sleep...

A dim bulb Only this The dark Feels draining No sound Yet loud Bear it I bend The weight Soul crushing ~A.R* I decide This is my journey I need to fight To go where I want To find what I need Doing it is my choice I will not give up Today Taking flight On wind Leaves fallen Swept up A flurry Of colour Swirls away ~A.R. Her eyes so deep Inviting warmth A gleam of devious Yet soft in spirit See her soul Through windows Lenses of life To her heart ~A.R. From past to present It comes over me In waves of memory Thrashing my mind A time long gone Hauntingly real For it had been I lived it Repeating Only in my mind Yet fear still comes To sit awhile Remember Let go I did It didn't Flashback Then gone ~A.R. Shades of fall reflect off tears that drop to puddles.

I put my face in the corner...any corner would do. Hide the crying I could not stop. On and off like a tap all day. Shopping. I hoped it would distract me. As the tears flowed and people passed buy with their bags of purchases. "Pull it together" I tell myself. I just can't I am weeping. It's my birthday. October 23. Honestly, the inconsistancy of my entire life has made birthdays a hit or a miss. This one was extra hard. No planned Ripleys. No planned dinner. I had already started in a rough place and I could not shake it. A bad series of flashbacks. Nightmares. "Get over it...just get past it. Let it go." A year ago I spent my birthday in hospital.  It was my 13 day stay for suicide. It was not compassionate nor helpful. Having Disassociative Identity Disorder was not understood. My days were very hard and quite scary at times. Some I do not remember and some a blur. I do remember my birthday for the most part. At 8 am that day I had some surg...

Listen to April & The Crew- Functioning as A System from The We in Me on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/TheWeinMe/episodes/April--The-Crew--Functioning-as-A-System-e2bt2o

I pulled it off. A mental heslth event to raise awareness. The Faces of Mental Illness (I)llness to (We)llness I was host and MC. Through exhaustion, stress, anxiety, I spoke off the cuff and felt strong enough to get it as right as I could. I spoke from my heart. Strong and clear. Yes. I astonished myself. I did not raise the hoped funds for CMHA Simcoe County. The total is not in for sure. Having not planned an Event of this magnitude before I had 120 seats with wanting 'bums' in them. I have a soft heart and gave many tickets away. I had several vendors that had Mental health related things to sell (raising funds for their own charities) So I paid for added space and chairs to accomodate. One vendor showed. I had not charged for tables... Half my seats were empty. Also several who had reserved tickets not paid for sat unused or paid for. Yes...(the low turn out) this lowered donations dramatically. Draw tickets sold but was not anywhere near what I had anticipate...

I want to hear you. I know we are  in the darkness. I feel the tears on your cheeks. Your pain resonates through me. Tearing you and me apart inside. It is now. But that past lingers. A cloak that often gets heavy. We pull it off and freedom comes. Even in the darkness it feels like light. You are screaming. I want to hear you. Your story is silent. Please tell me. Where did life take you? That time I cannot see. So long ago. Yet it stays within. Eyes open. I know you are there...but not. A memory has you. Locked in a piece of time. You shudder and wail out. I want to hear you. There is no sound. I feel you. Your pain is mine. A letter to an Alter (DID)

Layers unravelling Hidden beneath Keep peeling Away the shell Inside The core All layers gone Reveals Nothing ~A.R.* Lies and deception Land of no honour Turning backs Self agendas Look up Look away Look inside Where is the Win? Grab hands Hold tight One world One fight ~A.R* Traced around Innocence shattered Like porcelain white No tears to shed Trace the line Make the shape Once held this soul Forever lost ~A.R.* Morning comes Darkness hovers Broken mind Shattered heart No magic Slow heal ~A.R.*

Where was I? Some days...not as of late, but there were days I woke feeling good...long ago I had days of great and a period of rocking it. Inbetween always came the nasty, bury my head, waking anxiety or full panic, spinning minds, tears, fears and doomed, with "it's all a catastrophe just play dead". Often I was in a place that Dead sounded as if it called. "Free yourself. Unshackle yourself...come..leave that living hell.. Sleep the neverending sleep." I have had several plans in my life of going out that door with Death. Somehow, most often a person or several have pulled me out of that place in my mind. I am closely approaching another birthday. A bittersweet one at 48. My last was spent in the psych ward for suicide. Much was in my life that felt I was done. I could fight no more. It was hell. I have no words...I am still suffering for the 14 day stay. Terrifying. Our local hospital. Long ago it had been a place of help. They had outpatient service...

Who would want a relationship with me? I am suffering from mental illness. I fight for a happy moment. Physically I continue my cancer journey. It is not pretty. I am often alone. It is very hard. I want to live out my "List" of to do's. I want to share that with someone special. I have a few good friends. Busy lives of their own. I snuggle a teddy bear and extra pillows. I often think this is not much of a life. I fear that I am not ever going to feel that kind of love again. Damaged goods..

I have an ongoing cancer. I had my 3 month check. I haven't been feeling right... I have more tests which is always stressful. I feel so many things. I need a break for awhile. This choice is mine in many respects I am surviving Anal Cancer. It is similar, in some respects to skin cancer. Mine starts small as spot and spreads like little cauliflower along the surface and then inward. If left its progression will be a huge risk to my sphyncter. Colostomy.... Mestasis.... For me it is a lot of unknowns. Oncology has brochures on all kinds of cancer but not mine. Information on the web is not always reliable or accurate or does not pertain to my scenario. There are few specialists in Ontario. The treatment available here is not as forward as other places. I feel so much. I feel numb. I feel devastated. I feel confused. I feel. Spin

Throwing away lines No standards or boxes She tossed aside it all Raw and exposed An end of chains Imposed and self enforced Series of Masks Scattered And here she whispered "I am lost in the dark" ~A.R. *

Mrs. Sasquatch was of the western dark clan. Her hair dark and course. Mr. Sasquatch was a light brown. A thinning head with grey throughout. His clan was from East. This distinction is important. Their clans were certainly had great history of bloody battles. Time had not healed many rifts. It had become almost innate to turn on each other. At first love had them blinded to each others falacies. Time wore off the cuteness of the others behavior to absolute disdain. Perhaps it was age. Whatever the case to be witness to the disintigration of what was once love is heartbreaking. One verbal bashing after another. Slick sarcasm and sharp tongues. Then silence. A wait in tension for the nasty to raise it's ugly head. Aging can be cruel. Sharing the moments is very important as we enter our final phase of life. The Sasquatch couple...aging badly I see and hear in sadness.

I have waking anxiety. I have been struggling with depression. It has bogged me down. Lack of sleep. Worry for worries sake. Life circumstances and I am overwhelmed by my life. Stuck in a place that I am falling further in depression. It is great for another to say "just think positive". What you think and what you feel do not always match. I want to be positive. I want to feel that happiness. I want to smile brightly from my heart. I have darkness. Rolling fog. I cannot find the positive switch. Flick it on. I can fake it. Looks good on the outside but dying within. Waking anxiety is brutal. I am running before I have lifted my head. Heart racing, sweats, tight chest. Fear on me with a mind feeding it. I breathe. Do slow stretching to distract. I tell myself I am ok. I am safe. Reality is not so much that way. Many parts of security are comprimised. My freedom...I live in apartment with my aging parents. Yes I have mental illness. It does not negate my abilities ...

I cannot be more than I am. I can stretch my limits. I push beyond my comfort. I will not please everyone. I must please me. Knock me down. Not enough. Hurt inside for this is all I have. I gave. To depletion. I took time to rebuild. Torn down again. Not right. Not perfect. Expectation not met. I am me. One person. Hurdles behind and hurdles again. I can only walk my path...often I crawl. See me. Accept me. Enjoy while I am here. That is all I can do. Focus on what is. In moments.

And then there was silence But never in her head A confusion and flurry Within her ~A.R* Survived Survived Again Survived Life's course With risk A list to fulfill Survive Before Eatten alive. ~A.R.* Of all the things I knew Of what I'd learned The life experienced Much still illlusive My heart Searching An answer Does it exist? ~A.R.* Held back One only Holding so much Running Freeing Shedding away Yesterdays' Dropped And disappated The tear ~A.R.* I won't be your puppet I am nobody's fool A promise is a deal Let's be real I be as I am Do not misunderstand Reach deep To understand Be there No games No deals It's now for me Let it be See ~A.R.*

Being the technical whiz is not my forte. I found a great 5 minute podcast explaing Disassociative Identity Disorder in laymans terms. Just s brief, very easy antidote that anyone could relate and understand.  I have no clue how to attach it to my blog. Check out @sundaynighton7’s Tweet: https://twitter.com/sundaynighton7/status/907137146712072192?s=09

Instead of living in the pain of my past I acknowledge it. Chosing to make it a foundation for today. It can be hard within our daily challenges to find find peace within ourselves. I will be who I am. Some things...like triggers will happen..crummy days where I do not feel gratitude. My point is trying to shift focus. Forward. Purpose. Facing today's challenges and finding tools and resourses to support my physical and mental health. I have learned many things in my life experiences. It's my story. I need to keep moving with it. Let life evolve and emerge. Doing it is the challenge! Accept nows stuff. Never easy. Focus on moments knowing that the today and tomorrows are mine. Staying mindful of each moment is difficult for me. Busy brain does not want to settle. (PTSD) One practice that does seem to help is Tea Meditation. Here is how Charlie K. (Charlie's Planet - blogger) describes it; The power of tea Practice mindfulness with a steaming hot cup of tea. Fe...

I am at my line on how much I can handle. I am okay with that some days. Many things are not in my hands and I just have to be patient. Oh...so much easier said than done! Self care is essential. But so are food, water, shelter etc. In this world these things cost money. Yes money stress is nasty. I live on a tight budget. I save little bits over a long period. Things do suddenly happen. A home repair. Something break. Unexpected expenses. I expect most people experience this at some point in their lives. I know it can cause all sorts of problems. A catalyst at times to marriage difficulties, individuals doing money juggling just to eat, depression can set in, paranoia of loss, anxiety and so on. How do I cope? Short of robbing a bank or begging on the corner (😋) I make do. I breathe lots and know for me it has always worked out. Time. Look at the free things life offers and try to remember what is going right. No matter how small, good things and any progress...

Being sensitive. Feeling vulnerable. I am in familiar territory. Fear. Back against the wall. No one can help. I cannot help myself. I say I am surviving cancer. It is ongoing. The choices not great. I am tired. Where was I going with this? Right. Vulnerable. Even the greatest of warriors have their weak spot. Achilles heel as it may be said. We are each vulnerable in some way or at some points throughout the course of life. As children we took our lead from our peers. Our skills, language, beliefs etc. are formed in adolesence. Some children don't learn what they need. Some learn through abuse. Some develop abnormal coping skills or behavior. Or perhaps lack skills for adulthood. I remember when in jr. high they were pushing us to strive for excellence but to also be a 'well-rounded' personality. Me.. many skills..master of none. Lol. Vulnerable. Having to ask others for help. As an adult, not well, this has been very hard. I want to be able to do all on my ow...

I am at a place in my life where things really suck. My mental illness does not define me (PTSD, D.I.D., depression, anxiety). My physical illness (Surviving cancer ongoing issues. 6 surg in 5 years) does not define me. It does suck today. Right now my circumstances are as they are. I am doing the things I need to in order to keep going. I have a list. A Living List. I am not much for the Bucket. Lol. I have a run on list. I keep adding. For me that is Hope. Hope I can. No one knows about lifetime. I often ...very often..want to leave. I hold on to that list. I hold on to my family and friends. Acceptance is never easy. It is ok for me to accept without liking it. For now I keep doing what I do. Sharing and caring. For you. For me.

I woke in tears. Days of this were wearing on me. I felt vulnerable, stuck, alone and afraid. Depression had me. I wanted out. No more. It was not the first time feeling suicidal. I spent 14 days on the psychiatric ward last fall. How does one get to this point? When did the light to fight go out? Everyone is different. Our differences in coping tools, life experiences, ability of the mind may be impaired by mental illness. Why does not much matter. The solutions can be illusive. Some places have no help available. Some specific illnesses take more time and assistance. When I hit this place of doom I am instinctually wanting to hide. I lose ability to communicate for me. Like many others, sharing has been silenced or unsafe. Secrets and masks are held. We cover ourselves. I have found a wonderful set of people on twitter. I have become distant friends with many. I put out the message for help. The response was overwhelming. I could feel the caring and kindness of so many. I ...

I stood on the steps for a long time. Downstairs. 12 steps. The Dungeon to me! It was like a grip around my throat and chest. Fear. Years had passed. The feeling had not. I felt sick just thinking about it. I pushed the memories back. Breathe. That was then and this is now. Breathe. It's safe. That space is different now. It's now my home. Made into an Apartment. All changed. Breathe. Go down. Same space. Dungeon. Now with no Dragons.

I asked and the response was fantastic. What would you include in self care basket? So here are a mix of ideas. Some mine. Some from others. ~ Adult colouring books are ALWAYS relaxing. Did you know they also make travel size colouring cards with mini pencil crayons? Or there are the handy etch a sketch or buddha boards. Art kits can also fall under Creative Distractions. You can get some supplies at the dollar stores, Chapters/Indigo/Coles bookstores or in the USA - Barnes and Noble. ~ Tea. Or a gift card for your local tea and coffee spot. ~ Chocolate... Or sugar free candies. Fun candy like the string candy necklace or lollipops. Trail mix or easy snacks. ~ Candle or aroma diffusers. Scents that are calming. A Vicks nose inhaler can also be a destressor. ~ Bubble bath and skin lotion. Lavender, peppermint, calming scent sachets. ~ stress ball, fidget cube, fidget strand, mini cube puzzle, stretch items to keep hands busy, silly putty or similar play mold. Yoyo. Damm...

I have far too many things going on in my life...most of which I have no control over. I find this overwhelming. I add mental health and physical health issues that require much energy and ongoing attention. It seems to be more than a person should be able to take. At this point I often just want to quit altogether. I feel Done! So...I added an Egg. This is a task. A big task. I am putting on a Speaker event in my community. I started early.. "Who the hell do I think I am? Am I out of my mind? Who does this? I am only a person...one body....REALLY??? Why?why? Why would you take on such a project??" Purpose. That is why. I may not be well. I may not be rich. I am smart. I have time. I want to bring this to my community. Yes it is s BIG Egg on top of that full plate. I will take my time. I will share some of the Egg (ask for help). Like the Egg....I am stronger than one might think. I will serve up this Egg even if it is a bit scrabbled. 😁

Do you have one of these??? It not really voices. More thought patterns. Perhaps it is the influencers of our past that are pushing us in different directions. Those inner pieces of us that have us question or work out decisions day to day. Sometimes it would be nice for them to shut up. Lol. I am not fond of the intrusion, particularly at night. The Voice of Paranoid The Voice of Reasoning The Voice of Comparison The Voice of Catastrophe The Voice of Appearance The Voice of Negativity The Voice of Anger The Voice of Curiousity The Voice of Judgement The Voice of Compassion The Voice of Regrets And so on.... Mine sure gets busy. The Head Panel likes to 'talk'.

Whether it be physical or mental health no one chooses to be ill. The status of the illness must be determined by the medical community. Diagnosis may take long and arduous procedures and testing to determine a route of treatment. For some illnesses it may take a long time and a lot of trial and error before finding the right treatment plan. At any time this could change as the illness progresses or if it does not respond. For many with mental illness the stigma associated leaves them in hiding not seeking treatment and therefore suffering alone. In some places some disorders are not understood well or mental illness is not considered a priority and no treatment is available. Striving to survive everyday I look for ways help myself. I have a medical community. I have a therapist. I have a great social worker. Many still do not understand my disorder. Including my local hospital. So if I am suicidal, and because I have disassociative identity disorder, I may be in an altar state seemi...

Ignorance is the foul underbelly of this Society. It reigns supreme on its pedestal. In bliss thriving amongst the closed minded. Until it is experienced a mental illness is deemed for the weak. How far from the truth! 1 in 5 is a statistical fact. 1 in 5 will experience mental illness in their lifetime. Strength is said to come from within. The mind is the powerful guide to manuevering  life. Think of a safari in the wild unknown without a working guide. Ignorance will not help you find safety. Eyes open. See those that suffer. So many fighting. Will you be part of the problem? Will you chose to be part of the solutions? Look beside you to the other 4. 1 in 5. One you know. Take their side. Open your mind. Get informed. Love them healingly. Share those truths.

She had worked so hard through her demons. She faced her own battles day in and day out. Having faced health issues for more than 4 years she had come to know her purpose as being one to blog about her mental disorder and illness as well as Wellness tools. She also chose to advocate for others who may be suicidal or feeling down. As often as she reached out for a hand, she was the hand. A friend to many. Often hiding her own pain. The Demons of the past came knocking. A childhood friend.. someone who needed help, reached out to her. Of course she would not turn away. Yes 30 years had passed, and they had a history. Some he did not know. Some he did. But 30 years was a long time and she was afraid. He did not know her. She did not know him. Nor did she know if she could trust him. She took the chance. After meeting several times she shared her own struggles and hopes of showing that he was not alone and that she too was different and that we were all unique. After some time she rece...

I have your hand fellow warrior. Whomever you are. Whatever your battle is. I may not have the same, but I know what it feels like to fight...with days perhaps you just may not want to. I get that. I do a lot of breathing. I am focusing on just each moment. Looking for the little things that can help me keep going. My desire is to isolate. I do not want to burden another. Someone said to me " why do you decide if I don't have time for you?"...They are right. I need to reach out. The other person can decide if they can help. I make small goals. Each day push on. I still have things to do!! So if you are in the crap boat...I am with you. Flashlight in tow and life vests. I got your hand.

I am recovering from Rectal Surgery. Waiting for results. I am relieved the surgery is over. It wasn't my first there and I can only hope my last...anal cancer is no fun. It has been a very long road now. Years. Several surgeries. Fingers crossed. Staying positive is a great saying....when it isn't your butt in pain. When it isn't your battle. I try very hard. Some days it is just not there. It is a process. My life has been flipped and turned and upside down and righted. I am not quite righted. Lol. Doing my best under the circumstances. And moments of smiling...don't make me laugh..it hurts. 😜

I have these imaginary lines. Things I have learned about myself and continue to learn. Thus creating more lines. Like the "don't eat one more bite.." or " I will unfriend someone I feel crossed boundaries" ... Lines for myself are often pretty high in expectation. What is the line of enough emotional pain? Enough is enough is where I am at with both my body and mind. Some more surgery on the 9th. The Ongoing Saga from hell. (See past posts) I just have really fought long and hard. I am going to see how this round goes. The line..

A kind man. Hardworking. Slowly he reached. Gently running his rough hand over her naked flesh. Warmth rushed through her. Desire pulsing. Her skin was soft and he felt need to touch all of her. Just her. From her thigh to her hip. He grazed with his lips. Up her side. Laying kisses along the way. His hand tangled in her long hair. Pushing it aside to reveal her nipple. She trusted him. She openned to him. He looked into her deep eyes. Like her heart..so full of hope and love. For him. She was complicaticated, emotionful, smart and funny. A gaurd up. With glimpses of wild abandon. It is a memory of love once had. I fear I will never feel it again.

The mask is heavy. I put one on day after day. Alone. I have my face. My pain. My anxiety. My depression. I push hard to keep going. To be part of this world. To contribute where I can. I am struggling to accept myself. Where am I going? What will happen with my physical health? Who am I? It has been a very long haul with my body. I feel I am no longer me. I cannot go on as I was. I blog about having PTSD with Disassociation. I am not blatent about it in my daily life. I do not wear a sign. It is part of me. My physical health has a whole different set of changes and problems. It has been ongoing so long. I have been on my own with a few close people helping. I really would like to have that special someone. I realize that I have a belief that it will never happen. Challenge the belief.... Rebuke it. I am having difficulty changing that belief.

Often we have many negative things we have been told and tell ourselves. This negative self talk can be demeaning, disarming, shaming, demoralizing. It has no basis. No truth. Easily, we are vulnerable to believing these things. The words we mentally hurl at ourselves are debilitating. Damaging our feelings of value and self worth. Promoting depression and anxiety. Where do we get these words we tell ourselves? Who's standards are we trying to meet? In the process of healing. Looking for wellness we must refute and debunk these sets of words and negative beliefs about ourselves. What are the truths? What is real about you? To debunk those thoughts make two columns on paper. Write down the negative thought then puts truths in the other column of things that you see or have done that prove the thought incorrect. Practice this to train your brain to turn those thoughts around. Lift yourself. Know that you are more than you think.

I picked myself up again. Literally pulling myself by will out of bed. It is safe. You are fine. Nothing to think about but going for your coffee. Morning semblance of roution. It was decided after two 'crying' crap days today no crying. I would avoid some triggers. Get outside. Go out. I did. I challenged myself. I went to a couple places I normally avoid like the plague. I went. I shopped. I....dallied a bit...it is normally a race. Get in get out. I actually browsed. I breathed my way through. It was not a picnic. I accomplished what I set to do. I breathed through after when I returned home. No tears. It took some doing to avoid some things but I managed. Grateful for a Success after many awful days.

Hope crawled out from beneath her rock....all clear???? A sliver of Light who called to her. Warmth took her hand. Air filled her and pushed her along. Hold on to Hope, Light said. So I did. ~A.R.

These are suggestions to keep in your tools for additional self care. ~Plush chest size comfort stuffy. Animal or pillow... A U shape pillow can also be comforting ~Hot/cold compresses, gel packs, or bean bag. Heating pad with timer. ~Herbal Tea. Hot Water. Instant soup. ~Easy foods to prepare or have for supplements. ~Favorite snacks. ~Drink enough H2o reminder ~Protein bars or a supplement if prone to not eatting enough ~List of Contact numbers. Friends, family, local helplines. ~ medications if needed ~lavender, peppermint or eucalyptus for calm and breathing ~ breathing technique reminder ~distraction ie Find it book                              Wordsearch                              Puzzle ...

She woke up sweating. Her cold had not abandoned the body through the night. Crap. Still sick. Hack, hack. She pulled herself upright. Ugh. Get up. GET UP. Waddled off for a pee. Yank on a sweater. She headed for the kitchen. Wee Ticky was still asleep in his bed. All fours pointed to the ceiling. A gaurd dog was probably not his strong suit. More a floor...or face..cleaner. This was on the Dreaded Day list. Like anniveraries of deaths, losses, bad memories. A day that just is a reminder. There are Joy Days too. This one was not in anyway close to Joy. Her hands were shaking while she poured herself a cup of hot coffee. No avoiding she picked up her phone. Immediately the Date blinked at her. Yes, she knew the day. She liked to call it Singles Awareness Day aka VALENTINE'S DAY!! At 47 she had her shared of fantastic love. That was perhaps the problem. Had she not known it she would not miss it. Too late. Loads of hearthache sat heavy on this day. A pretend smile if h...

Omg. Omg omg.. I can't do this Brain: Get ready. Breathe. You have gone to loads of these kinds of things. Not in ages...omg. What am I going to wear??? Brain:  Stay simple. Comfortable. Neutral. Black. What do I have...mumble grumble Brain: Get ready. Breathe. You are good.                 Stop fussing! I have a battle with myself when going out. This night was a Charity Gala. I wanted to go. I had looked forward to the event. It was mental health focused. The speakers were Michael Landsberg and Sean Mccann. Natalie Harris was speaking. I have great admiration for these people. They are my peers. Mental Health Warriors. I got there extra early. My nerves were shot already but I had my mind set I was going. Alone I made my way in. Lordy a sea of uniforms. Paramedics, police, firefighters. In their best to cheer on former colleague Natalie. The support of friends so important. Part reason why I ma...

I am feeling so stressed. I am bouncing all over in my mind. No train of thought. Anything and everything has me on edge. What an awful feeling. A mixed emotion sick skin feeling. Anxiety hanging on. I have surgery Tuesday then again the following Monday. I don't want to. I am scared. I am tired. I feel very alone in this. I am living it. It is my reality. I honestly am not loving life. Reality is a bummer.

Do you remember... When I went ahead in line to take the vaccine shot so you could see you wouldn't die... When I came and stayed with you because your husband was hitting you... When I held your hand and told you just to let it out and I didn't mind snot on my shoulder... When you hurt your neck and I came and massaged it.... When I taught you to drive... When I climbed under the barn to get you that special piece... When your arm was going into a frozen shoulder and I camr to your house to do MRT on it 3 times a week... I helped you pack and move... I sent you funnies just because I knew you were stressed... I held your head and made you tea while you were sick... I watched over your children so you could get a night out.... I had you to dinner at Christmas and New Year because you had no one else to spend it with... I sent you snail mail just to tell you I care.. I gave you a hug when you needed it most and again when you didn't... I am valuable. I need to...

I have really been struggling. Almost an agoraphobic response to going out. I am in so much therapy because my mind is blown away by anal cancer and ongoing treatment. I don't want to do this anymore. It isn't really a choice. I feel trapped in myself. I feel trapped in a life I am coming to hate. Why should I keep going? I am a good friend? I have few real friends. I bought Christmss gifts for pretend friends...I wanted to feel like I have people surrounding me with love. I don't. People don't contact me. I am tired if reaching out for a quick text response of "xoxo" or "wish I could be there". Why should I stay?

I have HPV related Anal Cancer. Meaning, I get spots on the outside of my sphyncter. (They can come up anywhere sexual fluids travel, front to back. Many women get HPV related Cervical cancer. My cervix is clear.) I have spots forward that were benign and two there to be lasered end of January. Anal Cancer is spots that become tag like and the cells turn from pre cancer to cancer. A year ago I had cancer taken. Pre cancer was left. I have two areas again. I am waiting for a Surgery date. I got HPV from an ex partner. He had gone elsewhere. I was devastated then. I continue to be devastated. I can't get away from it. Everyday I have to face it again. It is a lonely, painful and frightening place. Therapy. Lots of it. I continue to barely cope. Depression and anxiety are strong many days. Sunshine comes. It does. I wait. Some days it shines from me.

I am set back. I have lots on my plate but that is not unusual. I am feeling very stuck and insecure since I stayed at the hospital lock up. It was a nightmare that has left me feeling unsafe and needing my safespot immediately. Anxiety quickly turning to panic. I had this long ago (2005) after being sick 11 month with c-difficile. I had been home too long. I no longer was managing being out. Out is a lot of stimuli. Lights. Cars. People. Things everywhere. It is the unfamiliar. Not knowing, and lack of control. How do I find my way back? Why can't I shake it? What do I do to help myself?

Dance amongst the wisps Made by angels wings On fluffy snow surfaces Dance around the fire Where the demons hide Your footsteps light Like your heart and smile With faith and hope Dance ~A.R. Power through Reach the shore Wrong way I steered Veered off My path Swim out Find my mark Clean strokes To land Again Drifting out Lost And drowning The beach calls Ride the wave To destiny ~A.R. Patching pieces Filling the gaps A newness With purpose still Perhaps heartier For the breaks Mended stronger ~A.R. Standing on tiptoe Eyes peeking Over the rail Little footprints On the stairs In fear Rushing down Whites glowing Wet cheeks A nightmare For a child Now for the woman Who grew up ~A.R. Frosty morning A cold mood to match Bitter wind Blows through her Seeking refuge To thaw A frozen heart ~A.R. Into the realm of Darkness I shone light The fear and pain drew you in Vulnerable prey I know your face It is my own We have seen this d...

Since my hospital stay in October I have been experiences after effects. When in hospital I could not leave. The stay was extremely traumatic. My big fear now is being trapped. Stuck. Unable to make choices or feel safe. I am safe. I just cannot convince myself. I have a list of to do's. Things I want to see and do. A cancer diagnosis really made me think about the important things on life. I looked at people, places and things. One was to visit our Niagra Falls at night in winter. Yesterday my step father and I headed out on our adventure. Falls. Dinner. Sleepover. Breakfast. Home. At 8 pm I could barely stand myself. My anxiety was at its peak. Home time. I had tried to get past it. The feeling was incredibly overwhelming. Fortunately my step father and I had agreed that going back home was always open option. So home we came. I felt I had failed. I didn't stay. I still feel badly. I want to be past this agoraphobic fear. I keep trying. I keep pushing. Sometim...

What am I Good At? What I can do? We are each unique and have learned many things in life. Some we are better at than others. Met set of skills is every growing and makes me ME. Often these things I do not see, overlook, or give myself little credit for. I am learning... This was therapy homework. Thus the following list. April Knows 1. I am good at writing poetry 2. I am good at helping others 3. I am good at sharing my mental health tools. 4. I make good comfort food. 5. I can search information and process quickly. 6. I am funny. 7. I have cute feet. 8. I am a good helper for old people. 9. I figure out technical or other types of projects ... can be self reliant. 10. I can paint on canvas 11. I can create something out of junk..can repurpose. 12. Good at budgeting. 13. Good dog mom. 14. Good at finding a bargain. 15. Good at remembering odd details. 16. I can bake good cookies, muffins and popovers and scones, homemade trail mix. 17. I still look good for my a...

You cannot see me I am faded into shadows Taken from light No reflection No colour I whisper...I am here No sound to be You cannot hear me Faded away Perhaps A faint Memory ~A.R. Joyous wind Brisk and breathtaking Days frigid friend Spinning gusts Of glittering snow The playground Where icicles grow The Hearty Do face The season Of sharing Warmth ~A.R. I cannot find Me It is hard for you to see I wear my mask well It grows heavy As I tire of the face That is not Real Inside I am shattering In slow motion ~A.R. Into the realm of Darkness I shone light The fear and pain drew you in Vulnerable prey I know your face It is my own We have seen this demon Fought before Now conquer together Hearts will glow ~A.R.*

Do you know who is in your system and why? Some call this Mapping. Can you communicate with your alters as learning about them and openning tbe door to them can help with cooperation...like no texting outside of a safe list of people. I use a wipeboard for questions or trying to establish boundaries. I also text myself on my phone. Notes. There is lots of information that can help you get your system to be more cohesive. Find others who understand @DiscussingDID @TheWeInMe @AFR365 @hashtagDIDchat @ivorygarden etc.  Support is key. There are online chats on facebook and twitter. As well as support groups like Ivorygarden.org. Connect and learn from each other is very helpful. They also hold a conference in Atlanta every year. Well worth joining. I suggest writing if you can and see if your system is in disharmony for a reason or reasons. They know you. You need to know them.