5 Alive

Sometimes I float away. Or go deep within myself. I cannot hear or respond to my environment. My body and/or mind is on overdrive. Autopilot seems to have kicked in. I say "my lights are on but nobody's home". I am gapping out, zoning out, partially shut down. Some call this A State of Fugue. Disassosiation. It can last seconds or much longer. Some people can miss large chunks of time in this state. I would prefer it didn't happen at all.

Breathe and make thr best of the moments as you would everyday. Think of each other. Do your best. Small successes. Know your limits. Stay grounded. Take breathers. Reach out if you are struggling. Love to all. Merry Christmas. No I am not feeling the joy of this but I am doing my best. Cold and all. I can do it. #SickNotWeak #KeepTalkingMH And all others.

Silence self To bear this weight Life balance To find In rest I heal ~A.R. Look to the sky For my eyes My soul Refect back to They who look Hard ~A.R. No wind to glide on Wings of strength Freedom flight Take heights Lift me Away ~A.R. Heavy The little stones Experiences Some Dark weights In heart Add up Strings Releasing Time held Tears Carry on Carry on ~A.R.

Welcome Winter. You white cold fickle season. I get You. I understand. Mixed up. Sparkling through bitterness. Throwing a blastful fit of fury. I cry when You sleet too. Nastiness happens. That feeling of coming but then going. Moreso last several years. Me as well. I understand Winter. It is testing season. How long? How hard will it be? How much can you handle? Will it ever be over. I feel You, Winter.

It is a really cold and loooonnnely night in December. Freezing temperatures that chill to the bone. Memories flood this time of year. Winters long ago now. Times with a partner planning the holidays. A home to decorate. Places to go. Christmas gatherings. Friends. Fun. Food. Laughter. Here I sit alone. Silence is my partner. Quietly stoic. A wall. Numb and cold. Does Silence listen to me? Many experience sadness, anxiety, depression etc this time of year. With that lots of reasons. Sun deprivation. Sleeplessness. Money worries. Job problems. Family or lack of family issues... Nothing is festively bright if we aren't feeling a happiness within. Our coping becomes difficult. Many of us would like to skip it altogether. This is, afterall, the season of sharing love and joy with family and friends. Traditions. Festivity. The lights and shìmmer. Love and beauty. Hmmm...fruitcake and eggnog. Bahhh Eggnog. Not this day. No spirit in this night. Maybe tomorrow....

I woke up miserable. I get little sleep at night. The sleep I get is fitfull snd can be ridden with nightmares. I do take sleep medication but often fear is more powerful than them and I am up. If you know about Disassociation (DID) then you would understand that it is not always known to me that I am up and about. I have parts/alters. One is Wee. 5 yrs old. Wee is afraid. I have tried about everything to get this part to understand in Now she/we are safe. Nope. She is up and does her own thing the better part of the night. So. Today was empty cornflake box. Cereal. She ate it in 5 days!🤢 I am feeling the effects. There have been other things and it is often. Food free for all happens. She once ate all the raisins out of a box of Raisin Bran in one go. Every last one. 😲 She gets a note from me about these things. Problem is I don't always know what has caused my distress til later...live and learn for this system with Wee. 4 Alters. She is the youn...

I used to use blame. It is what I knew. Ie: You make me feel angry. You did that and hurt me. I am learning that we are each responsible for our own feelings. We cannot assume the intent of another. We feel. Absolutely. Our responses are ours though. There is an anology: A joke is told two laugh, one is angry and one burst into tears. The jokster is on tv.... Each have different responses. Is this the joksters doing? Does that tv person have that power....to make you feel? Feelings are part innate and part learned through experience. Peer influence and life factors contribute.  I have to own my feelings. I can make some change in my responses. I can clarify with the other person intent. I can convey what I have going on inside. I can think about my reaction. Act Not React Separate the other person from the behavior...as we all make errors and do things without thinking. Love the person Not the behavior. When we own our feelings we can work to free ourselves. The ...

Some days there is not a day. I prefer to hide in any acceptable (or not) method of dodging my world as much as I can. I feel empty I feel beyond tired I have the shakes I hurt but cannot explain I want to cry I don't wan't anyone to see My mind is everywhere but nowhere I have a tight chest I need quiet Or my own distraction Nothingness Attempting to connect to the online world...is my pace and unlike fellow house member, I can turn off. Sometimes I can't cope with questions and probing etc. Needing space. Alone. Slow. Basics. Days like these are long and painfully drawn out. I got through. Again.

Back to new specialist...3 hours north of home...4 in a snowstorm!😨 It was a heck of a drive. Going north thru bush and rock on the 6 to 4 to 2 to 4 lane highway.  Wind and snow and those crusty little snowballs... Made it. Nerves rattling. New Anal Cancer Specialist was very compassionate and informing and ...gentle. It is an aweful process but I got thru the check. I have two spots that need to be removed. "They are nothing until they are something" is how it is. I feel...a lot...but I am so tired. Relief as I could feel something not right. Anger this continues on and on ...like I am planning hospital stuff all over for New Year already. Sad I am missing so much living time... That Is NOT the list I want to be doing! Maybe I need to plan Me days inbetween...yes..plan some of that much needed self care! (Honestly my brain body and heart all just wish to wrap up tight and hide in sleep) For tonight rest. Pull thoughts together. Breathe lots. ...

There are many things about me that are unusual. I don't advertise nor do I hide. Mental health has been my primary focus Many tools are handy with cancer diagnosis. Mine is Anal Cancer. Not one talked about often. I was asked some time ago, with my cancer diagnosis, would I allow my picture to be taken along my journey? A friend's project. As a professional photographer this friend had lost both parents as well as his best life friend to cancer. A portrayal of the person as patient. At some point to use for display for cancer awareness. Where it goes...well we are still on that journey. I agreed. This is one of the first series of pictures. It was taken the night before cancer surgery. He wanted to see Real.

I have do much going on. I am tackling my physical living space  boxing up and cleaning.  Total hell actually. A mice army to battle.. I am winning. Their hidy holes have been cleared. It is a lot of pulling out stuff to clean and might as well sort at same time. With that always comes memory lane. Good - Bad -Indifferent/no big link Processing can be like yanking on scabs. Many are more like stitch marks now, and emote no great feeling or power over where my mind goes. Happiness .. joys..loses.. regrets.. laughter to tears ..the pieces that all in all make Me. The items. Far too many to list but years of photos. Lost pets collars and toys. My wedding certificate And divorce...(I have no children) Dad stuff. The small treasured gifts from friends past and present. My yearbooks. Letters. Wedding memorabialia. On and on. I am grateful for the full life these things represent. What to keep? Sell or give away? Toss time? I conclude only this ~ I have too much stuff. ...

Over and over I am in nightmares. I am trapped. I cannot be freed. I am in mental ward at the hospital. ...I was... Almost 2 weeks there. A month later I am not past it. I bundle tight and have pillows around me. A stuffed animal. A warm bean bag. Earplugs. I get in  the fresh made bed ... I cannot go to sleep. Dark has always been hard. Now it is so much worse. New med added but I seem to fight it. The hospital stay changed how safe I feel. I am not myself. I have more anger. I have aweful anxiety. I am depressed. Stressed.

I feel alone. I feel abandoned I feel angry I feel stuck in a life I can no longer handle the coping. My physical body I cannot connect with. I do not want to be in it. Fresh start. I wish.

I am doing the "time" for a crime I didn't commit. Physically and emotionally have been taken past my line. My life a shambled mess. Run free you all do. I carry the bag from past and future. Today is work. Coping daily a chore. Pain in my body. Pain in my heart. Where are you? Free

I had a meltdown October 12th. I was in suicide mode. My search for proper treatment has been long and has hit walls or been awful to experience. I have hpv related Anal cancer. The costs are high. Financially...many things are not covered. Yes. This is Canada. The system, for me, is broken. I fell through the cracks. Not one doctor treats all..or even more than one thing. Sores on my butt for 3 yrs never touched til I hit the suicide room. The cell they keep you in while assessing you. New spots that are not on the spot that has been cut multiple times. Not my area each doc said....been passed around like a baton no one wants. I searched for my own specialist. Got referred. My wait in pain was to be 6 months!! NO WAY The last time I was left that long with spot like this it was cancer. I know pre cancer present and was being vigilant about keeping an eye on things. I am not a doctor. I was done. No more ability to advocate for myself. My mental state fractured. The repe...

Bahahaha. I wish...or maybe not. Many times the abillity for my brain to shut me down, yet keep my body going as another person, has saved my life. Compartmentalization. I do not require you to believe me. I operate this way..and to my knowledge have for the better part of my life. Yes. Unbeknown to myself for a very long time. I had severe panic disorder with blackouts. My diagnosis ++ has changed over the years of therapy and treatment. Labels. These to direct proper help. I continue this Work. Blocking of memories in trauma. A way for a difficult time to be coped with. More trauma...more Disassociation. Educate yourself. Not my job to create a believer. My job is to look after me by whatever means I can. This train is rolling whether you chose to ride with me or not. I am ME. With DID. The 'battle' is real.

You don't have anything on that ( hot dog, sandwhich, salad, etc) ? No condiments. Thank you. No. Nothing. Yep. Plain. No. Nothing on the side. No condiments. No toppings. Slice cheese maybe. No. That is it. Early in life this refusal of some started. Perhaps was body knowing baby skin problemz so no tomato or like dark veg. No potato. A growing list. Perhaps texture. I still have these. Over time condiments and food used negatively. I am adverse. I can barely touch ketchup bottle or mustard.. I don't eat at otbers if I don't know them well or the food. I try to explain...is easier to not be hungry... Trigger for me and some I know why and some I don't. I just know my reaction remains. I am picky. I am cautious. Paranoid at times. Food issues are tough. I don't not eat. I adjust. No to the stuff is no. For me. You want it plain? 😁

Are you going to be able to look after yourself? Who will look after you? When will you be able to hear your alters? Are your alters scary? When will you be well? Are you getting integrated? Did the hospital stay teach you a lesson? How was the psych ward? Do you still have cancer? How is home?

Like a mouse in a closed maze.  Blocks at every turn. I was held 13 days for suicide. Not a place of caring and compassion. Saw more and experienced a hell I wish on no one. Dementia and drug addicts on methafone programme mixed with people needing immediate mental health attention. Drugged, controlled, treat like in prison. Don't ask for things or meds or help or anything...they add 4 days and take away any priviledge you may have earned..like fresh air. I lived in fear. Switched constantly...but disassociation is viewed as self harm so if Wee out I was punished. They have a place threat named extra care...aka "the Hole". A pit room with just  bed. Nothing else. You sent there if you don't conform to what they tell you to take or do.... So much was traumatizing. I only got freed because of my physical health...exactly what landed me there. Home. Tending my wounds.

My health issues persist. I am sick of being sick and suffering. My next step was sent to Toronto to specialist. They called this morning. My appointment date is April 6 2018. Are you kidding me????😨 I am losing my mind. Is that light? Hope? This is bullshit. 4 yrs of this. Cancerous crap. I am feeling so Done.

I grew up with a great ability to stuff my emotions. For me disassociation became the emotional and physical coping. I am crossing the age of 47 soon. Life has changed significantly. I am often emotionally overwhelmed. YetI push it back. Instinctually feeling not safe to feel. To not show. Sometimes the exact feeling eludes me. Am I angry? Am I hurt? Am I happy? Am I sad? Anxious..depressed...all of it..what??? I have having loads of therapy. Add oncology social worker and the bucket cap is loosened. Tears. Hot snot. Painful flow that seems unending. Sobbing uncontrollably. Shaking. Out with it. It sneaks open now. My strength to hold it in has become stength to let it out. Empty that bucket. It will refill. Keep bailing it out.

Blue pink sky Speckled with stars Big moon calling You are never alone Dance for me My light Your runway To freedom Lift your eyes Move on Always here Spirits fly ~A.R.

Smashing with hammer in hand. Metal to metal. Forging heat. My sword to sharpen. My tool..protection. Fight. No flight. Anxiety perched on my shoulder. Depression darkenning my vision. No clear path for my body illness. Searching for fellow warriors. Side by side to challenge the ignorant. Educating without delicacy. Gloves off. I am one. One strong. Never alone. Putting my hand out. Let us work together. The conversation. Meet the minds. Unite. Hammer it out. Mental health to physical disabilty. We shall not flee. Facing my battles. With friends in tow. Stigma take down. Lifting the fallen. We will not give. Raised swords. Fight it.

We are changing early in Ontario. A trip to  Algonquin Park was on this perfect day. I spent it with Sir Don (my sweet and kind Step-father) as his 84th birthday is next week. If I could say my hero today...it would be him. Aging gracefully. A sense of humour. A man who enjoys the small pleasures of life. I love him more than words could ever put together would convey. As he crosses 84 my anxiety grows. How long will I have him? How long healthy as he is?  Yet I am not well... He is truly my rock. I have no partner. I battle on with cancer issues. I have mental health problems that I work on. 4 yrs of dealing with health issues has left me worn..unsure..anxiety..depressed..sad. I know today. Today is what we have. Now. I am glad today I had Sir Don. A day free.

Sooo much I am trying to cope with in my life. I am not unique. Many people have things I have...like ongoing cancer issues...anxiety...trauma...money....depression...feeling lost. I am unique in how I cope, or do not cope. So much learning. Part of me wants to just curl up and fade away. I am in a place much is out of my hands. With that I struggle even to do the smallest task. #PurpleFriday for Childhood Sexual Abuse..I tweeted as much as I could. Being unwell...mental health has been "my job". It is good to share. I want to help where I can. Today I was with a friend in need. Back up friend too. I knew I was not in great shape but in helping my friend I help myself. I pulled out for self care. Now. Overtired and mind racing. I am back in my own Stuff. I truly just don't know anymore. I am scattered.

1. We are able to work as a team even if we don't agree. 2. We have different interests. 3. We have grown into our own persons. 4. We are not willing to integrate (yes we know what that is we aren't ignorant) 5. We have tried many things to help over much time...often taking turns. 6. No, we don't intend for you to know us. Know is trust. We trust few. 7. If you mess with one you mess with all. We have no harm policy but some have sharp tongue..Maddy...😏 9. There are 4 of us active. She (April) is our purpose. We are here to help her. 10. No we don't know why we are as we are...the bigs/older are learning as we go. 11. The body gets little sleep. 4 hrs...pray for nap... 12. Fall is our worst season. We each have our reasons.

When you can't find your way that's okay. I have been really struggling with my whole well being. Physical health is ongoing Anal Cancer issues. Limboland is stressful. Takes me to fear, anxiety...the what if's...and is tiring to be stressed (which causes me to feel ill). I am not having much quality of life. My emotions are a constant roller coaster. I am often alone. Part by illness ...part by lack of connections. These physical and emotional struggles have brought depression along....I am feeling unlovable. My body a wreck. I don't think anyone would want to be with me as a partner. My mind... everywhere... I work at the things I can. Staying in Today is the hardest. I worry...and letting it go is something I learn. I can...then something happens and I take it back on. Work... Work to stay present. Work to keep going. Work to feel worth. When I am lost I reach out. I often do not want to. Necessary. For me it is life saving.

Anal Cancer sucks. Look it up. I am 4 yrs dealing with this and it continues. Wait. I have a new tag. The surgery area where pre cancer cells are is changing. Cream. To help aggravation. Wait. Will tell surgeon so he can check when I go there next for check. Wait. I am really tired of it all. This is a normal reaction. The feelings can be overwhelming. Angry Sad Hurt Angry Tears Then strong for awhile. Then not. Chug...chug..chug...along.

The alphabet game. Use alphabet to name in order places or foods or animals A-Z Counting backwards. 7 Items line up memory game. Close eyes after lining up objects and remember order. Then switch around and do again. Crumple paper as tight a ball as possible and undo without ripping Restring shoelaces Name last 15 people you spoke to in order Drink warm water Melt an ice cube in hands Go for a walk...play don't step on cracks. Make grass whistle between thumbs Name different sounds you hear I spy so many things and list...red or square or chrome etc. Think of 10 favorite meals Always remember to breathe. In 234 Hold 234 Release 234 Pause Repeat Keep a list handy of How to Distract self so it is there when you need.

Now here is a topic many who have been abused have great difficulty with. Myself included. As a survivor I can be triggered. It takes time to learn boundaries..and to set them for myself. It takes some guiding the partner to understand what is ok for me and what is not. Unhealthy sexuality has been part of what I knew. I can still slide back to not setting boundaries and allowing myself to be hurt. I do pay later for I have learned to shame myself. Learning to stay with healthy boundaries is difficult. I believe only those that have been through sexual trauma understand the mindframe. Some don't like to be touched in any way. I am opposite in that I crave loving touch. Hugs and cuddles. I have unhealthly dispersed my boundaries out of desperate need for that alone. That is me. My body is something I have come to appreciate. With sickness (abdominal issues and ongoing cancer) perspective changed. I have a body. I still have my hair. My weight is low but holds. I am lucky in man...

Thelma and Loise they came to be. Sharing a history of misery. Free in mind...they took on the world. Bedside warriors. Their capes hospital grade. Cutting loose together. Miles apart. Thelma and Louise. Champions of the underdogs. Poverty philanthropists. Making their way in illness. Bodies in battle. Thelma and Louise. Holding hands countries apart. Praying for others..for themselves. One lost. Thelma floats...no Louise. The game was over...or was it? Thelma and Louise. The goal goes on. I have your hand. I will not stop. Spreading the message. Sharing our love.

I stood on the line. I wanted to go. People don't like to talk about anything where the word Suicide comes to play. Like many things it is a taboo topic. Cringe. I was on the line. My health. My environment. My loneliness. Everything just came to a head. I struggle with severe anxiety. Depression has had it's hold for some time now. Mostly linked to having cancer issues and stress. Do I still want to go? Not at this moment. I am forgiving of self. I have been here before. In my life I have a unique defense mechanism called Disassociative Identity Disorder. Alters/parts step in when needed. They were needed yesterday and today. I miss time. They were present. Today they prevented me from going. They stayed until I was out of the risk zone. Keep talking about Suicide Awareness. It could be a loved one or you.

Growing Up With an Undiagnosed Schizophrenic My father was diagnosed as Schizophrenic in May of 1999. He lived to see 63 and passed that September. My entire life I grew up with a dad that was both kind and cruel. He used different types of self medicating and distractive or destructive activities to seek refuge from his state. I have always said that when he was good he was. When he wasn’t he was really was bad. It cycled. With these cycles came periods without jobs, loss of driving license, periods of abusive behavior, also eccentric behavior. He would start to hoard things or collect one thing and carry in his car trunk. He would dress up on non-dress up going on. He came to my office work dressed as a full woman. This was a new one…. My dad was also sensitive and caring. When he was good he was a good father. He tried to keep it together but it never lasted long. When he was good he was active and took us to the beach. He played race cars with my brother and I. He...

I have added what I have found for Uk. Ireland. Canada. USA.

I have added what I have found for Uk. Ireland. Canada. USA.

The no talk rule is often present in families with mental illness, abuse types, finacial issues etc. Silence. And not always a literally spoken rule. Just known. Many call this "The Elephant Under The Carpet". Pretend it's not there. No Talk can be serious as silence brews many other modes of coping. Some turn to self medicating, forms of denial, hidden self loathing, mental disorders. When we learn early to not talk it becomes a way of survival and learning otherwise...albeit freeing...takes work and time and lots of trust. Reality does get blurry when you learn to pretend something is not happening. There also comes a sense of fear if "The Elephant" gets exposed. Exposing the Elephant is brave. Many may not be happy. Many may shut you dowm. Some will turn away. Sometimes you become a new "Elephant" for them. I am learning that I find me through my past. My experiences ...the good, bad and ugly. Is it my focus? Only in knowing can I know what I ...

The floor is cold under my bare feet. Damp. I can't reach the string. The one that turns on the hanging bulb. I hate The Hole. This is the closet where the sump pump is. Creepy. The door is slated and they have me shut in. I can't see. I can hear. I know. It's not my turn. Three girls. Two boys. The Hole is musty. I am sure there are spiders. The mouse trap always set. I don't move.  It is summer out. We are in the basement. Dark. I want out. I can't breathe. I am scared. I don't want to play this game. He stinks. He sticks his tongue in my mouth. His fingers...it hurts. I am not big enough to push him off me. He is older and stronger. I don't like him but it's not my idea. I am much younger, 5 plus years between them and I. I don't want to be here. The Hole. Out means my turn.

I keep trying to run The tides coming in Crashing the shore From the evil my storm My soul is on fire I run with desire Been doing it awhile It is life that I hide from Answers I seek Trying to breathe With the tide crashing down Hopes and dreams have gotten unsure Cannot find my way I'm running all night And running all day ~A.R.

I believe we all tell ourselves many things. We have a set of standards, ideals, morals and values. We have instinctual and learned things muddling around in our minds. The environment, peers and experiences we have when growing as children will forever be imprinted. I like to call mine "The Panel". It feels like that a lot. Like there is a counsel and consult commitee giving directions. I believe there isn't always clarity and I am just winging it as I make my way. Some of the self talk...the things I have come to believe and tell myself are crap. Bullshit. Lies. They come from negative peers. I can almost hear the person telling me. I bought in. I believed always and is something I am unlearning. I am learning the truths I need to tell myself. Positive self talk. Knowing my value and purpose and believing I am worthy. To tell myself "I am enough just as I am". Sorting out what are my own standards and beliefs...not those that were imposed on me as a child...

As a coping mechanism disassociation with firm alters can be funny at times. I spend some of my time in a state of anxiety and fear thus alters get more active. I am tired and vulnerable so an alter may be trying to ease My burden by being present. I do not have conscious connection with my alters..in words or action. Formethe times of them out and active are a Blackout period. This can be seconds or minutes..hours to days. What I learn is from seeing changes in my environment or from what someone else tells me. Some things alters write to me or voice record etc. This blog is dedicated to some of the funny things I figure out...or wake to..😄 When you come to and all of a sudden there are rements od parts/extras/alters being active; I turn and there is half a painting not mine...or my toenails repainted or something I had a shower or a bath I don't recall Dishes were done and I am dressed... I didn't have a pop now I do... Furniture moved... Bathroom cleane...

Some of you know me. Many of you don't. I am curently living with Anal Cancer that is ongoing. I have a great deal of difficulty with managing on little sleep. As my alters/parts are on different agendas in one body...disassociation (DID) has a vast array of struggles. We are all trying to cope. There is pain and discomfort. We don't feel well most days. I am not in chemo or radiation at this point as I am supposed to have surgury for another growth. This week the surgeon wanted to send me back to the specialist in Toronto. I could not believe he would even mention her name considering I think of her as the butcher...👀 When hell freezes over. Not ever, ever, ever again. I went back to the oncologist that same day. We discussed this. Yep. New Surgeon. I am out of my mind with this endless nightmare. So....how do I get through day to day? With limited energy I have some out time and lots of easy time. I try to nap. But it does not always happen despite the ...

My niece is in University. She was doing a paper for a psychology class about Complex Post Traumatic Disorder and Disassociation. Being as that is part of my diagnosis she asked me four questions; 1. What symptoms do you experience with this disorder? 2. How does it impact your daily life? relationships? & how? 3. What treatments do you receive? 4. How did you learn you had this disorder? 1. Symptoms for me Skipped time.. Odd sensation of not being alone Anxiety and panic Flashbacks (memories in detail) State of fugue or a stuck moment ..zoned out ..used to call the look Shell Shock as most PTSD cases documented were of war veterans ((Complex ptsd is commonly trauma based. Most often repeated traumas in childhood. Coping the mind shifts the trauma to another part which over time becomes a part of a coping system. )) I often feel confused. I am sensory sensitive. Easily startled. Often frustrated. Lack of sleep as alters up all night. 2. I am no longer able to hold...

A great podcast about #DID Well worth the listen. As a person with Disassociative Identity Disorder I relate with Erika so much. This may give you some better insight into how We live. Thanks to tje Lombardos and Erika Reva!! http://www.blogtalkradio.com/leftofstr8/2017/05/27/join-voices-for-change-20-with-our-special-guest

A beauty Disguised by masks Treasured being Divided by truth She walked proud To be A We ~A.R. You have not a control Perhaps ability Awareness Curiousity Yet the abundance Of knowlege Available Should you seek To learn ~A.R.* Glue and paint Tools and brushes Workstation of Array Like the mind Of those that frequent To create On its surface Artists unleashed ~A.R. Fast climbing heat Hair on end Sick skin feel Top of the sky Bottom falls out Can't catch air Feeling faint No footing #anxiety ~A.R. Shoring up Building walls Around ourselves To not see Beyond Our own pain Is to remain Alone ~A.R. What have you taken Hidden away And tell me why Must you do so And yet I know It will be Alright ~A.R. Depth that draws Dark brown eyes Shining soul Glittered heart Intention soft Seeing you Bringing close Gaurd down ~A.R. With the sky dropping The light of the moon Was all that could touch her Yet her love flowed freely Into t...

Living in the body. Every person lives a different life. Endures hardships. Feels love, loss,pain... We process things in our individual way. I have serious health issues both physically and mentally. Some of it goes hand in hand. Some is a haunting I don't look for, but am triggered often. Cptsd DID panic anxiety depression... I am having a lot of trouble with my body. I want to feel better in everyway. The Anal Cancer ..a growth has returned. I just found out yesterday. I am in a self storm. Inside just bouncing. Thoughts are everything but nothing. I am discombobulated. A sort of shock has given away to "how will I manage...?" More surgery first. I have no idea from there. Oncology... Coping. Where are my tools? My support network? The lists for distraction. Breathing. I work at it. Over and over. It is my choice to act or react...they say this...not always true if you are a person that Disassociates. Alters do and say things I have No clue. Managing. Today I ...

Did anyone see her Through her fog A spell cast in shadows Darkness hovers We wonder How she stays There But not alone She just can't see We

Today the sky is cloudy...Like my mind. Changes are happening and I feel overwhelmed and confused and honestly have been terrified to the point I am now numb. My health is in uproar and limbo as I wait for specialists to decide my treatment for Anal Cancer. Ugh! I hate even the words. It feels like another Badge I wear that no one sees. If Life awarded badges...well I have my fair share. I am worn. Tired of battling. There are days I can't find my smile. I am learning to take in the little things. Like watching birds. I continue to force feed myself through whatever is wrong with my stomach. Still waiting for new gastroenterologist. Pain just takes me down. Am I depressed? Anxious? Scared? Sad? It is so long now...be 3 years July..I have it all mixing daily. Today. I feel..full.  A numbness. Tears won't flow I am not panicking I am hardly here. Night after night I disassociate. An alter stays up! Lack of sleep...understatement. So vent. This. Blog to you. No pity. ...

I continuously practice self care. I have been physically unable to meet some goals. This is disheartening. Like everyone the journey is different, and there is no guide book. My path today..as in this day right now is one of trust and fear about suffering. If it were just one thing..or two..perhaps I would be coping better. Today I am ill. Still. Again. My gastric problems continue. I go see a nurse practioner tomorrow (who has been good) to seek more advice and perhaps a referral to another gastroenterologist. Square one. I am so worn. Next. Pre-cancer to cancer to pre-cancer and wait. Yes. Anal cancer patient...I have pain and I am worried. Next. Love/hate alters. I am missing lots of time and am exhausted. I catch sleep but not ever enough. I feel like I am not getting things done. I do...but not what I want and was capabable of. My mind hears "get busy" , "don't think about it" , "you can do better"... I do this to myself now. I learned...

Depth that draws Dark brown eyes Shining soul Glittered heart Intention soft Seeing you Bringing close Gaurd down ~A.R. Rippled rocks Time smoothed Fossilized history The glory Of the Shield Green, black pink Hues ground Down from Ice Leaving this Earth Writing on the wall Seeing from a distance Closing in on me A tunnel I cannot see Fear to venture closer Desire to know About me ~A.R. Dusting off Fogged time Rolled in it Too often Knocked down As it creeps back That dirty time Evil dust Be gone ~A.R. Kissed by the gods Of sleepless nights Yet to find The light To darkness ~A.R.* Floating away Gone Within My light Snuffed out By demons I spent day Slaying Lost now To time ~A.R. No more whispers To myself Finding strength In self, in words Silenced time No more For I set Myself free~ ~A.R.* Heavy wind Torn skies Clouds open Showers down Sparks to earth Giving life ~A.R. Wrapped tight In self comfort My own hug To he...

Glasses on Exchanging you Thoughts of me Moved I hear You...regrets No. No. My friend Do not cry... We share But then Silence For safety I never told... No one And within myself I broke free In pieces Protected By a fractured mind Yet grateful Do not cry..for me.. Out for you Let free that hurt Touched I cry too Today just look forward Friend...me..and you. No tears. ~A.R. I had a visit with a lifelong friend...well we were in elementary school together. We grew up and older together but apart. Always, we have held our friendship over almost 42 yrs. As friends. Young. In our own worlds.. We often don't know the trials and turbulances of our friends. As close as we may be. No telling and silence included you...especially my close heart friends. I know my blog is difficult for many to read. I have tried to "temper" my words. My hurtful past is a series of terribly unfortunate events...hidious things that many cannot read. I forget... I blog...

Sometimes I don't feel heard. I often feel misunderstood. I feel inside some sadness and loneliness. My health. My cancer issues on hold. Time to heal. Wait.... I have so little trust of these wonderful doctors and specialists and surgeons and ... Breathe. Breathe. Do you ever just feel that it is past a line you no longer have words for?

This blog is willy nilly. Bits of this and that. Like a scattered puzzle you may never get all the pieced to. It is me, we, us. Yes. It is my story pieces. But many of you can relate in some way. Maybe it makes you think. That you read it is what pushes me to continue to share. Today was just ALoT! Painful. Pushing deep inside me out. Yep. Counselling. Today it was with a friend at Oncology. Friend saw. Friend heard. I think I lose my mind. Why do I go through this? Talking? OUTLOUD! To Someone Else😨 In front of friend. My god I am totally out of control. SNAP I miss time. I Disassociated. I don't know who. Brief. Not much. But enough I felt the missing beat because crying came to full stop. Being the Canuck I am I said "Sorry" and blew my nose. 👍 Now. I just am cooked. Exhausted. Yet. I cannot find sleep. Again. Insomnia but not. I will fall asleep Then, typically Wee and Maddy will come out. I can tell by the activity in m...

Heart in your throat. Tears leak. The drop is quick. Racing heart. Gonna be ill. Sweat clad. Terror me. Alone me. For me...add shakes...inside tremors..disassociating with or without flashbacks. These can mimic some seizure like behavior and self harm (ie; scratch self, body bowing backward, breath holding, squeeling....) Fear is powerful. Fear unknown set off worse. Panic is evil. I am learning self care tools. More! In anxiety that grows I often forget how to use them.

I came to Mexico on vacation. I go home to find out my course for cancer treatment. My plan was to be my last hurrah...It was to be my last swim. Suicide I am so done with my life. My mental health has been five years of torture. Anxiety, panic and flashbacks. Surgery pain. Sick. Here, away and out of my negative environment at home...I feel like myself. Dissassociate far less. Eat easier. No thinking about my physical health. I am wanting to leave this world. A Living Pact is a promise to not kill myself. A promise I take seriously. I made one to my friend who came with me..long ago. She cannot let me go. She is not prepared or ready. I understand. I keep my promise quite reluctantly. Last day and we fly out tonight. I am in self care. Preparing with a sad and heavy heart. Go back...

For distraction I often turn to writing 'free-range & free -flow' poetry. A great U.K. mentor has once called me a wordsmith. I dream someday they will be published. Enjoy. 🙄 Cleansing rain Tears of gods Washing earth Tending life Feed on love Being alive ~A.R. Bright eyed beauty Legs longer than any song Whisps of hair falling Depth of heart Shining through Soul so free Let her be ~A.R. They say she writes Her darkness out Yet have not met Her inner light Words sing A prose of life Lived and left Felt by all ~A.R. She will not live Without air There is no breathe To take No pretending No fake A reality Journey Twisted Burning embers A night burnt away Candle both ends The center glow Is fading Sleep I beg Please take me Standing alone A rock in the middle Surrounded by rough sea No hold to have Slippery stone Hope for rescue Lost in the tides ~A.R. With dark Demons release Terrorized mind Ever spinning Runn...

To those who disassociate...paticularly those who are "systems". Thank you for coming out of hiding. Many of you put self on the line. You advocate, vlog, blog, create dialogue, have chat, and open the doors for so many others who cannot speak. Many if you have become my/our friends. On twitter Amazon books Papers and e-papers Workers in the field of mental health Creating workshops Seminars Online group creators Support givers Ambassadors In schools On talks In books Writing Sharing Helping Caring In so many ways we are stronger together. Everyday I see the impact We are making. So...thank you for being real. 💗

As the sun fades I am dropped to my knees Breathing My last breaths Perhaps The ground Will comfort me It did not happen Out of the blue Trauma caused A body new Cope we did One plus four No more System love Protective lot Is us We are SPLIT Inside Outside Wind howls Mind numbing Noise Rain tumbles Teardrops Clearing stains Of yesterday ~A.R. You did not not hear me I tried to tell you Words unworthy You do not listen Fading into The background Tears unseenWrapped in dust Time left behind In light comes glitter A sparkle outside Shared experience That covers me ~A.R. Prey unaware Hidden wrath Waiting game The cat knows Free bird sings Lullabye His goodbye Pouncing Caught He is In the brambles Bird sings Lies...mute me I go inside Myself Hiding A reality Distorted Confusion Avoid Fear in Place Heartbeats count Time travels Mind in distances Places I know Hoping for experience Desired hope ~A.R.

God had no forgiveness when he cast Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. He brought shame upon them. Why give us the varied emotions if you did not intend for us to feel them. A set up to fail and feel.

I am on a new journey. One I wish for no one. It has taken my mind..my body..my whole being to places and feelings I have never experienced. I know terror. External. Inflicted. This no. Cancer. In me. On me. Cuts. Repeated. Pre cancer on to cancer. I do not know anything. It is all new. It is me. "Good luck" "Stay positive" "You can do it" "You will be ok"... I know all is well meant and has truth. Today has been terrible. Mental illness added has compounded what turmoil I am in. Shock still there. 'I can't believe this is happening' just hits me. Is this hell never ending? Breathe. Today is all I can do. Oncology one week and a day after surgery. The unknown abyys. Terrified.

Self care tools are numerous. Everyone has different things they may practice to help self. When in the middle of crisis, anger, anxiety, depression...I find it easy to forget these tools. Becoming mindful of this I created a set of post its and small lists put up in various spots as well as in my carry bag etc. Breathing excercise is number one for me. So easy to forget this simple exercise that can help reset my body. 4 in 4 hold 4 out 4 pause Repeat. A note up has been helpful. I focus on the words and do the exercise. Add beads or tactile distraction. I keep a trove of those types of things. From silly putty to worry beads and glitter wands...whatever works. Count. Alphabet games. A -Z people names                                         Animals       ...

In the end What will I count? The money and praise? Earth marks? Or the blessings Hearts touched Moments connected Life's beauty Love ~A.R Winging it No guide No path The truth Not revealed Risking self Blazing A way ~A.R.An entity Existing Resisting Change I do not know ~A.R. Inticated beauty He could see Unique glow A smile for him Her beauty in heart Spoke loud Her light Sparkle shared For all Eyes only For him You do not understand The path we followed To here must come light Hers there Dimmed Pushing to be So much more Bright Come for me Fellow warrior I lay wounded The fight in me Still strong Patch me up We fight on ~A.R. Anxiety looming Vicious horizon Stress mountain Patience no will Press on The path Experience Feel Frantic illusion No promise ~A.R. The need to know A sponge seeking Feed me answers For my fight I need ammo For my mind To protect My heart From evil wrath Of Cancer ~A.R. Bare foot danc...

You do not know me I am but one There are more We learn Exist in light Stay close In darkness We are them I am me They call me Lily Tiny hands Gifted child True to self Strong willed Wise at 5 She will not sleep Darkness Fear grips She will not age Trapped in time Wee In the wall Standing tall Dark Irish Black in hair Rugged kind Gentle heart Fist but ready Never used Softness Watcher Man on duty Rogan In wisdom Not years Anger She clears Her purpose Strength Always here Potty mouth Girl grown We call her Maddy It did not happen Out of the blue Trauma caused A body new Cope we did One plus four No more System love Protective lot Is us We are SPLIT She hides inside Protected Watching over We stand united Her force Her power In love We keep her safe Demons at bay Today Rest our girl

Seconds before I drown Life is known Realizing a feeling Unexplained ~A.R. Fogged in Uneducated guess Days unknown Will come Fumble or fall Run or crawl There will be Time ~A.R. She hides inside Protected Watching over We stand united Her force Her power In love We keep her safe Demons at bay Today Rest our girl

I have so much to do. I am not ready to go. When I got my cancer diagnosis recently my mind went on the flurry. A storm of thoughts. Emotions from numb to terror. I am not done. I am strong. I have never had a 'Bucket' List. Mine is a 'Living' List..always has been ongoing list of things I would like to experience before I leave this planet. Now it is a lifeline. The hopes. Dreams. Faith. Believing it can happen somehow, some way, someday. I want to stay in that frame of mind. Before I die...it is inevitable. Human. Life ends. A wake up call some say. I already got the call several times..I realy didn't require a reminder. It is. A reminder. Precious is life. Even when it sucks. When I feel at the end of the rope. I am still hanging on. Before I die...don't underestimate me life. I am far from done.

Do you remember falling asleep at the table? You always go to sleep first. Your head is on the table. Your dinner plate gone now. You finished it so fast. You wanted to go back outside. It isn't late. Light out. Gone. You are. I wont eat. You dont understand. Sleep. Bumpy funny in the potatoes. Don't eat. Please. I am too Wee. You don't understand me. Don't go please. Wake up. I close my eyes. Waiting on me. Not happy. I get my milk. I eat. What was to come is abuse. I was sexually abused. 1 in 4 girls. 1 in 5 boys are sexually abused in childhood. The impact lasts a lifetime. Many cannot speak. For them...I do.

Health is a gift. I have struggled with my mental health. Have tried to find all tools available for self care. I try to educate myself and educate others. Tuesday I got some news. A new battle begins. I have blogged numerous times about my health problems without many answers. An ongoing issue as well. That particular one has turned bad. I have cancer. The big 'C'. I am in disbelief. I was sure it was over. I was believing. Faith. I was going to be free of the ongoing problem. I just had surgery a week ago. Doc and I said bye. Lol. Stunned wore off. I fluxuate through the gambit of emotions. Sad...scared...angry..hurt...not much happy in there. Explaining is the worst. I just want to curl up and cry. I had calls to make. Family and friends who were waiting to know my status. Support has been there. The support I want is not. It is just not there. I am single. Is only so much comfort a friend or sib can give. When I am terrified I miss having a life partner. The hugs. T...

Flooded by new memories as I untangle my own story. It has been rough. My body is in trauma mode trying to cope with what was. Often I keep these things to myself. These horrid memories. Flashbacks come. Repeated. So real. I don't believe. I don't trust this mind. Can that be true? So real. I know. I see. It comes with much detail. Too much. I don't want to know. I don't want to see. Unravelling is not done. Seems it never is. A lifetime buried in secrets. Hiding. Hiding it from myself. Blocked out so long. Is this healing? It does not feel so. A demon. I knew many. Memories in pieces. When was my life normal? In denial. In hiding within. Blacked out pieces of my puzzle. Clueless and oblivious I never was. I just don't know it all. I felt the unease. I knew some things too well. Abused yes. I knew. Extent and incidents buried. They surface. Triggered by an ongoing healtg issue. Stitches on your bum when you have memories of sodomy are not a good combina...

I saw a post today " What would you tell your 25 year old self?". I was quickly in thought. I have so much to tell Me. 25. I had been married 4 yrs by then. Had a good job with a local Chiropractor just setting up shop. My home was an apartment in a quiet building. With hubby and a crazy cat. We were far from rich but my husband had just landed a fantastic job and things were looking up. Lots of good friends and good times. I had terrible anxiety. My mood shifted. I had moments. I struggled in my head. Would I tell her to get ready as shit was about to hit the fan? Hey you...you are about to find out your husband gambles...and it will happen more? You are about to experience panic attacks like mad? There are good moments in between.. I would tell Me nothing. I have an array of life experiences. At 25 I was struggling but happy. Today is really not different. My circumstances and experiences are mine. They make me. Who I was and where I was at 25 was just right. Let...

I am me Bright light Complex Intricate Stained Like Glass Fragile Repaired Time Mending Find me Find you ~A.R. Looking hard Deep inside I hold the key To my own truth ~A.R. I was deluded by the illusion of promises not spoken. A view of a tomorrow that could never be. You and me. ~A.R. Love. I do not know you. An illusion of the heart. Mine twisted torn and broken. No mechanic can fix. ~A.R. The standards bar Set so high A measured stick Jump high I tried to meet The unrealistic Demands I learned ~A.R. I woke to a world lost Happiness hidden Under a blanket of nightmares Time has yet to erode ~A.R. Standing nude Facing away The mirror Tells truths I wish to hide Beneathe flesh Scarred soul Exposed Look Mirror calls Beauty I reveal ~A.R Black sky Tiny sparks Stars of hope An end Today gone Dreams Continue ~A.R. Tears slowly rolling Cheeks stained Hot pain Deep inside Release me Please ~A.R. Cold and raw Inside and out ...

Beautiful sprinkles Sparkle in light Reflecting world Time passes Some fall Fade New sparkles Form Always there My stars ~A.R. Longing for a place to be Freedom to live as self All of me No silence No fear No Judgement No more Longing to love Myself ~A.R. Daily silence Unable to bear My own heartbeat Screaming mind No rest Days rolling A bad movie I can't live Won't live Fight with might I do ~A.R. Sad feeling A rock dragging on my heart Some days it is a pebble Somedays I cannot move Because of its weight. ~A.R.

Longing for a place to be Freedom to live as self All of me No silence No fear No Judgement No more Longing to love Myself ~A.R.

I am remembering recent things that I weren't there for me.  A friend had talked about taking Maddy and Wee to  greenhouses. I started to remember some things but I wasnt there. I know I wasnt. I was gone. I missed two days. It was weeks ago Ather day about the greenhouse and I was remembering. The trees. And a purse. I don't have it all. Just that. I am also having some weird connecting with one alter. Is so vague and dim and odd. I fo sometimes feel inside their extremes in emotion. Wee crying. Wee excited. One angry. One terrified. And often nothing... Frustrating. Always new and learning. The information on DID is somewhat limited. I talk to others like myself. It is there I find my understanding most often.

I watched a young woman drown August 2015. A beautiful clear day. I was 30 ft away at most. Shallow beach can be decieving and dangerous if you cannot swim. An accident. Flipped off a float. A search. Long. Found. I watched. I helped search. Helpless... I cannot explain the gambut of emotions that day...or since. Too much happened. It was surreal. It was real. It is stuck in my head like a movie in bits. Strong images. I didn't know her but I learned about her. Heart breaking At times I feel that was a loss that I would have traded places. She had a LIFE. I work at this. To feel my value. This is part of life...dealing with death. I need to take gratitude to mind. Search deep. Like myself. Love myself Her life cut short. I am here. Use it. This time. My LIFE. Give and enjoy the moments even the crappy ones. I breathe. Izzy is gone. RIP mama wife daughter sister cousin friend acquaintance..stranger I met in death. 💜

The keeper of secrets. Bearer of pain, shame, self loathing, anxiety, fear and sadness. Anger hidden. I am that key. I hold the truth as I know it to be. I got mind fucked. I got abused in many ways. I live on. No reprocussions. Walk free while I stay quiet. It eats me to do so. Why don't I tell. Time has passed. For some too much. Some have left this earth. I don't know about karma. I am not convinced of many things about death. I know about living. Coping. Struggles. Failures and victories. Foward steps and dropped to my knees again. What if I tell? Break silence. What if... A safety I won't risk today. I do know. Silence.