5 Alive

Breathe deep Breathe gentle I have you In my arms Tonight This moment Today A gift Cherished I breathe Knowing There is no dawn A.R

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When night after night I go without sleep I will hit a wall. Too tired. Feel melancholy.   Vulnerable. Self care is getting a tool to combat anxiety or depression, fear, stress and more body reactions and emotions. It is a learning journey for all humans. We have basic needs. Food, water, shelter, heat, comfort... I have much learning to go...my journey is forward. These a few of my self care tools..I have many....I say get a BIG toolbox! ~Hot bath or cold shower or hot shower..I like to feel the calm of the water. I vary the temperature depending on how I am feeling. (hot pounding shower feels good when I am sad or stressed)😥 ~Square breathing exercise:  4 count in 4 count hold four count out 4 count hold Repeat Repeat This can be modified a lesser count as you learn to bring that air straight into full belly expanding your diaphram. It takes practice as we tend to only expand our lungs and only the minimal regularly. Air feeds the body and mind. It can hel...

Many nights are difficult. I can't find sleep. This can be a time for creativity...

I have been left behind, used, hurt, abandoned emotionally... All my life I have been sensitive about people in my life. I never want them to go. Don't leave me... I do everything including things that make me puke literally ...like driving all the way to stay with you (no I don't tell you)...or staying overnight or just doing a crowd so I can be with you... I take meds to try to fit...to push my boundaries... And even when I am not getting much in return...your crumbs appease me. Then I can't cry anymore. It hurts that I am not enough. I am making myself sick trying to hold on to some love Say goodbye self...look after self...do it...say goodbye Tears

She has been notified that she is not allowed to do tweeting to people. Wee is obviously 5. Hope you all can see her love and kindness...and how little ones view this world of today. Remember she is "time travelling " so what is on the TV today and world news is much different than 1975. She wants peace. Phonetic written.  Some spaces used but not consistently.  Everyone smile.  😊

People wrote me letters when they were displeased with me or venting or manipulating...I thought that that is what you were supposed to do but I didn't. I had learned really early it didn't work out for me. I  had drawn a picture for the court psychologist...custody battle... Draw your family I had already been asked a zillion questions. She was nice enough but why was I by myself? Did I do something wrong? I don't know what is happening. I think dad wants me and my one older brother.... Paper and crayons provided. Draw you animal. Draw your home. Draw your family. I draw the dog. She is fluffy gray and white. We have her with us at home. New home. Daddy wants us back with him. She is going to pay for leaving him. Everyone is going to pay. Ok. Family I don't think. I draw 7 figures. Plus dog. The line went Don Mom Big brother big sister big brother2  dog ..then dad. No more questions I am done. Did I pass?? Not with dad when he saw it.

I want you to think of a soldier. Military of some kind.  They have been and seen atrocities. Had great pain and had no choice but to  keep going as they were in war. A battlefield. When returning they struggle. PTSD. Sometimes that soldier goes back to that war. Flashbacks. Imagine being in the flashback...perhaps trying to combine the war with the environment they are now seeing. They are home.

Don't air your dirty laundry Let it blow in the wind It can only smell better M

If you go on Twitter...you can see wees posts to the Pope Harper putin You have to search with @putinrf_eng @aprilrhynold Or @pontifex @aprilrhynold Like that I haven't figured out how to get it to my blog yet.

I am sitting alone on the sofa. My feet are bare. It's summer. I have on a frilly dress. Just dangling off the edge. Maybe I am going to a birthday party...maybe we are going to visit grandma P...I can see the kitchen. Daddy has company. He and someone I don't know are having brown drinks at the kitchen table. They are talking low but I am listening. "That's not the arrangement....pay less...I specified...boy...alright better than nothing..." There is more talk. Money. Daddy has to go to store...be good. Man is coming to sofa. He says he likes my dress...he smells. I want daddy to come back. I don't feel good. He snakes his hand up my legs. Stroking them. Aren't I hot....should take off the dress...wouldn't want to get it all sweaty... He unzips the back. No thank you...oh yes dress off...I know this does not feel good...you have a sip...be quiet... I am squealing. I try to get away. He is big. He has his thing out....he wants me to hold...li...

Pami was having women issues. She was being touched and procedures and then some surgery in 2006 on her cervix. She was vulnerable. Worn down. When she was sedated so good it was my idea. I am Rogan and they have called me the watcher. I am the oldest now. I am 50. I watch over my girls. Pami needed more help. More compassion. She was having flashing memories that were confusing her. We don't understand how we are together as one body. We disagree on how it could happen. We do agree that we have each have a job. We protect the body. We protect Pami. And yes I know her name is  April. I have been here since here since 1983 abouts. I picked my name off a bottle in a medicine cabinet. Someone was paranoid about losing their hair I do suppose. Rogaine...but I tampered with the word a tiny bit. When She had surgery I sent Wee first. Wee didn't know me really. I just thought she would be the cutest of us all to put out. I was watching. It wasn't a complete success as you ...

Wee loves the"faces" and the "bird". She sometimes understands that when she jumps time. Carpet orange shag it's the 70s ( house we moved to from dad in summer 1975) Safe house (the house I owned) Carpet beige (mom and steps house 90s'-2015 Wood Floor (2015-present) She thus must be time travelling right?!? She has no siblings here in this time. She has few friends and none her age. She spends her time learning. I have been told that she is smarter than me. Ironic that we don't share thoughts. She figures she isn't allowed to take her newfound knowledge back in time because "it will spoil it for everyone if she tells how it turns out". Wee knows the people from 1975. She knows if you went to Mrs. Magic's kindergarten. She knows some people from moments in the 70s. The faces is Facebook. She knows your grown. She doesn't know why but she is Wee stuck in the now big body because God ran out of bodies. Confused yet? Now you ma...

The town was growing. In the 70s you could be sure no matter where you went you were bound to run into someone you know.  Kindergarten was a magical place where I I met the world. I had a black teacher who I thought was an angel. This town didn't have much mixed race nor did we care. As a child I only knew she was beautiful. Some of you reading this are probably time travelling in their mind to those days. The kindergarten had its own play area. The "Big kids" were at the back of the school...to me a mile away since I couldn't see my older brother. Mrs. Magic could sing like an angel. She was teaching me about numbers and letters and God and love. I felt a safety from her. Big hugs. Those were the days when a teacher would take you in their arms if you were hurt or sad or just because... I remember the piano she played and little matts meant for nap time. I always wanted nap time. No one knew I was hardly sleeping. Living in fear that my dad was going to hurt my ...

Today was not the best of days. I need a holiday I need peace I need to go I feel stuck I feel ill with the  heat Ill with tension and stress Want to run Want to hide They say it will pass I wait

I just had to share this. Try to figure it out. Wewaytinforamedsinmabehewpanitmabewilhewpifietud deesmajikdwopsdafareescumdtomakdussaffernit Dwopsfermespesal Maddygonagivdme I hopsdafareescumd She has a safe list of people she can talk to. I know that she thinks she is time travelling and it can be lonely for her when there are no kids here anymore. She is quite loved as she is very loving and kind. You should find me on Twitter. She has posted there a couple times...to the pope..lol...

Someone was up til 4:30 on Facebook. Hmm. Wee was up with papa and then went back to bed and I was up a half hour later. I am beat. AND I don't know what was eaten but my pooper is angry. I am not too happy about it either. 😲 Coffee isn't going to hurt and so far not helping me get focused. Sometimes I just have to nap. I cannot fight it. And overtired leaves me more vulnerable to switch. Zzzz it is!

As I have come to learn that the simple moments  un life are precious, I tend to be either introverted or living outside of the box...so to say. I am unconventional in some ways. I like to try something...once...or more if it's good! Remember that when this bird flies...well I just go. Don't judge. Example: ~ love to be naked     Am not above wearing  hat and thong while pushing a wheelbarrel.. it was hot.    Beach law to the line. Topless  (always have cover up close) I like the feeling of sun on me and no ties. Yes I also am respectful of others and I didn't wear a full suit if need be. ~ scavenger hunt      For a time I would try to get others to be outside their comfort zone. I would make a list of funny things worth different points and we would have a time limit...break off in teams.  Was so much fun. Especially for some who had been  really living controlled lives. ~ posed once a month for a a year in ...

The more caged or trapped or out of control The more I seek to prove I am free, I will not fear, I will experience

Radar Radar Mayday Mayday Radar Radar All hands on deck. It's time for biopsies at the hospital with the MASH unit. My experiences with Dr. TM have been mixed. Bad cells skin tag at anal outer 2 years ago. Really was lucky in some ways. Local General Surgeon was on it immediately and sent me to the big TO.  I have country bumpkin tendencies in the city. I find it fascinating to visit. Since way down to TG. I want you to know this was a horrendous trip. They did biopsies. So you have to think about a stranger doing an invasive procedure...I had my good friend with me.  Thank you again S!! She had to pin me while flashbacks and alters came though out. Next a safe margin Done in January of this year. To different hospital where I was told they would put me out. Hmm. Well that was not a good day to go to the endoscopic unit. This is why the qive you the satisfaction survey  BEFORE they do anything to you. Just the basics of my procedure.: ~Not out. Four doses of fe...

Secrets, alters, dark steals love...opening up to free the flutters of the past, hidden key, unlock my love to heal. A friend has the words that go with it. 

As hard as this is to do I am glad to be doing it. I don't want pity or sadness. It is lessons from my life. If I wanted to expose certain people I would have long before now. This isn't for any vengeful reasons. I don't live my life without forgiveness. I am learning about me too. Sharing in this way...trying to be respectful without names...can only be a positive for me. I  can no longer fear what others may assume or think from what I  write. Life lessons come in many forms. I have been blessed to have so much support and positivity around me throughout my life. My mother and step father did everything to try to protect us all. No blame and no regrets. Take heart in knowing I am a warrior. ☺

By the time I was 8 I had been abused I'm different ways by different people. I had two worlds. The safe house we moved to where we didn't talk about bad stuff and I had a loving mother and siblings. I am the youngest. No one knew what was happening. I never told. The things I knew I kept to myself. Always have. I had trouble even in therapy opening up. I have done a lot of therapy. By the time I was 8 I could give a blow job.  Shame was huge. And since I had been forever told that a woman was for cooking and sex by my dad....he had even referred to me as a "shut like my mother" (my mother is far from that!!!) I was in two incestual relationships by 10. Two different male family members made me feel like their partner. It felt wrong but not. I didn't understand. One I considered to be my "love" . Of course it was distortion of reality. Then I  got traded to someone else for someone else. I felt heartbroken. I was 12. So around that age (after an incid...

I have been informed that pami should not be telling....that it could affect family. That she needs to watch what she says. ...I say fk that. I have a temper but am learning to hold it. We can not remain silent to protect from what others think. M

Hi. I am M. Maddy Pami is struggling. No blog til later today. Stay groovy.

I had a regular family I went to while my mom worked to support four kids. (My dad was SUPPOSED to pay support..lol) So where I went had been safe and then not so safe. You can be mean or tease or bully but there is a line. They would use me to stuff that they couldn't dare do each other...like a ride in the old clothes dryer hold the door shut just long enough for the back to go red...that's what I saw! And I didn't squeal. I knew better. The oldest boy was about 8 years older than me. He played bedroom games with me and his little sister (a year younger than me). Mostly groping and making me do things. It was hide and seek. Ok...that's all for now I never talk about these things. Bear with me.

Too many nights of not much sleep had me done today. I missed some time as alters came concerned about what's upset Pami. (Pami is how they refer to me) Stess doesn't help. Life can be frustrating when I  can't get to do what I want or need to because my body is having anxiety and flashback episodes. Everyday is a new day. Tomorrow I hope for some beach time with family.  Cross your fingers it's a fantastic day for me. I just never know so it makes it next to impossible to make any firm plans. I keep working at it. Years ago, after separating from my husband, I had c-difficile  (a bacteria in your intestinal track, bowels) for 11 months.Was very close to not making it through that. I survived but it left me agoraphobic for awhile. Couldn't leave my house. It has been a real struggle since. Harder than it already was. So. I  have hope and will. Toes crossed!!

I was refered by my psychiatrist for medicinal marijauna. I have had to use more lorazepam or clanazepam for several weeks now. It is time to try a different approach. Liquid is her idea...hoping for a positive body response So I had my appointment at S H clinic today. They do formal paperwork...normally is approximately $400 to have done but they have compassionate appointments for just OHIP. I am really upset. The Dr. was completely  ignorant ...to me. I  was and am still crying. He didn't know what DID was...wanted to know sarcastically who I was today. Then wanted to know why I don't work and what I do all day. I feel ridiculed. Was very demeaning. I  left there with forms done and they don't follow up for 6 months. My referring Doctor is not impressed. The dosage isn't even correct. So frustrated with being me tonight. Ignorance feeds stigma. This is supposed to be a professional. A Doctor who should know better. Arrogance and ignorance. My doctor now has t...

I had my first nervous breakdown at 18. Summer after finishing high school I was set to go to WLU for my B.A. I was working three jobs and saving money. I had a troubled spring and was having difficulty focusing. My nerves were bad. Then I  started to have attacks in the morning. Trouble being away from my house. I was throwing up and it was panic attacks, but we didn't know. I was suicidal.  My family doctor at that time did not understand and sent me to emergency counselling at RVH (was little brown house by detox center in 1989) George was the counselor and I have to say that though I don't recall much besides us sneaking smokes in his office  (lol) George was the most compassionate man and likely saved my life. I want you to know that I have never been hospitalized. We have many times done home hospitalization. Meaning I am medicated and monitored with therapy. Most of these total meltdowns come when a new memory surfaces in flashbacks. Last time was Spring of 2014....

Trigger Warning My hands are taped. I can't move. I am groggy. My legs are dangling. I am face down. I can't move. I can't see. It hurts. My bum is burning. It hurts and I am screaming. No sound. There is something on my face. Sticky. Hurting. Table is sticking to me. Formica...wood. Smell. Cologne. Stop please. Burning bum hole. Please A flashback. I was five.

Seatte every year. This conference has medical speakers of all kinds and groups for support people and for people like me. I belong to the online closed group but have never face to face met another person with DID. But Seattle is not close by any stretch.  I am in Ontario Canada. And I don't have money. This is on my wish list. Someday I am going. Think positive!!☺ 2016 Trauma-Informed-Care Three Day Event | 2016 Trauma and Dissociation Conference https://igdid.org/2016-trauma-informed-care-three-day-event/

The original...the one and only...Cologne of the day. Circa...forever Old Spice I can't even look at the white bottle scent. It was a scent that I have no fond memories of. Bad shit happened and Old Spice can be it's companion. They have come up with new fragrances and I don't know them but I  can smell the original from the 70 Era a mile away. It can set me off and I don't catch it being the trigger. I can't watch and worry constantly that I could be triggered. This is just one item, one smell or visual. I would be adding some paranoia then.😲 I go on. I don't even know what the triggers are most times. It's a lot of back tracking to try to pinpoint what it may be. By then too late if an attack of panic occurs. It can come on very fast and build to a dissassocative seizure like episode. Some things like being over tired or already nervous or stressed means I am more vulnerable. That means not being able to live in chaos. I am quiet spot to ...

In January of 2015 I went for nose surgery. It wasn't about vanity. Growing up in always had a bump in my nose. Never thought about it. Over time it got harder to breathe through my nose and I always thought that I had sinus problems. In my twenties, when I was married, I had swollen lymph in my throat....Short of this story is that my nose had been broken at an early age and had misformed and calcified ...the lymph were anxiety related. I didn't get my nose fixed then. More years passed. When I sought after another ear, nose and throat specialist he told me the shape of the interior of my nose made like it should be sitting on my cheek. There was 0 air flow on one side and less than 10% of what I should have on the other side. While having nose issues I got the flashback. Around age 5 I was backhanded and blacked out...I was fighting back...so since I have no other memory of taking a hit like that I think that is when it happened. Children have delicate frames. Early inj...

The sex traumas etc. TRIGGER WARNING Wee - object penetration of vagina,  sodomy, traded (this is a very odd flashback so I am not sure about it completely in detail) (note that often I don't see faces when I have the flash) Maddy - raped, inappropriately kissed by two family members, incestual relationship, traded Sorry that's all I can do about that for now and I didn't include ME...what I always knew... Please note that incidents are still secrets...and I really have learned not to push to know...deal with what surfaces.

Nights are difficult. I can go to sleep and within a half hour the body is up again. I  have no clue what happens through the night...other than if contact has been made with someone else. That said, there are signs. Sometimes it's not obvious and sometimes it's ridiculously clear. Here are some things that have happened: ~ Part of my eyebrow....in the middle of the hair....shaved off ~ bathroom is clean from top to bottom ~ red marker hair streak so we are cool for Christmas (my chiropractor noticed and thought it was lovely) ~ vine with flowers pen and??? self foot "tattoo" (was actually quite beautiful) did not just wash off.. ~ polished stainless steal counter and kitchen reorganized ~ phone is filled with funnies and positive affirmative quotes...from???? ~ a friend got texts that made an alters feelings and stance very clear...it's not on my phone (deleted by them)and I have no idea why friend upset...lmao..sometimes it's not too funny and I have...

If you have a question I will try to  answer. I  can also write it down for the alters. They don't like to be called that...I received a note on the wipe board from Wee. If you want any of them to write...(no promises as they don't always cooperate. But Wee has help to do it if you would like. You will need to read phonetic spelling and decipher run on sentences but she is something else...let me know.

It has taken many years to accept my body. I learned over time to trust. I  married a gentle man and we had a good life for 11 years. The problems when they occurred were severe. Gambling is an illness. 3 x and big money.  The worst was the deception and the lies. No more reality. And no, we didn't know the symptoms I was presenting was alters. We called it severe panic...as MY clear memories are different I didn't know all the different incidents. And I wasn't properly diagnosed until after I was divorced. He probably still doesn't know. Lol. The alters keep the secrets. Every now and then a memory :gets loose"....that is NOT fun. Can be a setback . Takes flashbacks over and over and talking and asking get questions of who I can to try to  make sense of it. Note: For me flashbacks will cycle and I  don't remember after. But over time the pain that comes can be tough to break through.  And a flashback often becomes a black spot for me. They also come with s...

Today I am tired. Really tired. I feel like I am spinning my wheels The baby is crying in my head and it just won't ease today I have been working at getting used to it. Like living next to noisy train tracks or something. I have reached out to others. I feel ok. But I am stressed. Many things on my mind...Maybe that doesn't help the noisy head. Short today. Sorry folks. Days like this there just isn't much for me to give and share. Love to all. 💜

Ok Iwant you to know that like any illness no one asks to have mental issues. Some of it is genetics and some environmental induced. The brain is a complicated organ that has yet to be fully understood. I loved my dad. My dad was ill. Schizophrenic. Now it was a diagnosis he did not get fully assessed. Yet it became apparent. Some knew him to be charming and funny and smart....he was. He could play guitar and sing like a star. And sometimes he was bat shit crazy. An example. He came to my work...a health office...dressed completely as a woman...wig, nylons hat and all. It wasn't Halloween. I was grown and married then. It was one of the few times in my life that I felt white rage. He had done these types of seemingly harmless acts many times over my life. It was just the surface of all the truly awful things that happened behind that. It was a sign that no one understood unless you had seen him at his worst. To some it would appear funny...it was the clown standing on top of th...

I have learned to just go with the flow. I have no choice. My body functions this way for a reason. If I could change it... But I wouldn't be the person,with the love and values and empathy, that I have become. It's not an easy life and sometimes I tread close to the wanting out. Like said or sung..."its not easy to be me"...

Too many nights of not getting sleep because alters are busy. On the plus my kitchen and bathroom got cleaned thru the night! I don't know which did it. I get tired of trying to communicate to figure this out. There is a conference in Seattle in October. It happens every year for one weekend. On my list of "want to experience". Today I got to do running around in borrowed car. I also had opportunity to listen to guitar in the shade at the lake. The calmness of the water does soothe me. Great music and some laughs. I find I am really on a burst of self learning lately. It can be painful but also very bright.  And accepting myself more each day by just being aware of how my mind and body work. Off to bed. Praying car doesn't cost me an arm or any other part...pray for it. Lol.☺ If my blog ever sounds scattered to you...it is hard to stay focused with noise etc...in my head. Add on average of 4 hours sleep night after night. A nap has turned into sleep on many aft...

Wee ~ age in time warp 4+ Maddy ~ age in time warp 12-18 (trauma jumps) Rogan  ~ 16 17 but he is 4 1/2 years older than I am Lily ~ 20 Today 2016 Wee ~ 4+ cycles and does not age Maddy ~ recently figured she has been out enough and had 3 birthdays so she is 20 Rogan ~ aged along with me and is now 50 Lily ~ continued to age and is going to be 46

My step father is the most loving, kind and generous man. He deserves to live his days in bliss as far as I am concerned. He has saved me so many times in life. Real. Papa Don is going to be 83 and I just want his days full of smiles. He always has been my Knight. Taught me about recycle, reuse, loving the simple things in life and to be generous where you can. He is a unique character. Ahhh. Life for me is bat shit crazy a lot. Keeping on.. Curious to see what comes next....and that can be interesting or sad or hilarious. I will blog about some of the antics of my alters soon. I really truly do get a good laugh at 'myself '. 😉

Today was not the best of days and I missed some time. I know what made me vulnerable to switch...tired and agitated with alot on my mind. Add in an over controlling parent (with ocd gone wild) and no sense of her negative effects. My independence is suppressed. It is confusing. I want to spesk up. "Mother I am grateful but please let me live my own agenda! And for lordies sake stop fussing and being grouchy." She has brought my step father so close to tears with her slights, sarcasm and harshness I just don't understand why. Always a controlling woman but she has gotten really much worse with time.  Perhaps she isn't coping well with her own aging, the prospect of having to care for him, she has periods of being super sweet. Jekyll and Hyde... A mom is always a mom and a daughter is always that too. Can't we try to find the silver lining together?

I swear I am gonna snap a cog.

Therapy day. I am very fortunate to have a Psychiatrist that also is an MD. Her forte is PTSD. She sees mostly Military with PTSD.  There are no specialists or groups or really any support for those with dissassocative disorder anywhere close to me, or even in my province. It is frustrating. Dr. L is really great and I get an hour with her every other week. I also am able to message her whenever I need. She truly cares and is very good. As you may know...or not...I have struggled lately. I make the best of my good days but I  have been having a lot of panic and little sleep. I have missed more time to alters. I have that new noise in my head. It's a baby crying. It is triggering flashbacks and attacks that mimic seizures. So I am just really spent. Tired and a bit melancholy (prone to tears and very sensitive). I am also feeling 'raw'. Vulnerable and scared. Makes me irritable at times. I want to cover my head and sleep but I keep pushing. Today I felt my session was p...

When did I  realize I  had alters? 2006 Why didn't I know? Everything jived ... everyone forgets things or doesn't remember what they said or did. I had lots going on in my world that was trauma in ways I clearly remember.  Like having my fingers crushed together so I would pay attention or comply...or just for the fun of me squirming. I remember being kissed inappropriately by family members. ..almost photographicly clear. I was married for 11 years. ..I didn't know. But looking back some big signs were there like severe "panic attacks " that mimic seizure like symptoms. I don't remember some things done in anger that he swore I  did but I  don't recall. Anyway...next.. How old when sexual abuse occurred? Incidents different in nature from (best guess) 4- 13. Do I  hear voices? No. The alters have some communication between them...particularly the younger 2 who took the majority of abuse incidents. I have a noise in my head that comes and goes t...

Sexual probing...early felatiol abuse...incest...sodomy...rape...child trade...Sexual abuse I am a survivor of. Flashbacks suck. The splitting off of these traumas makes sense. And I still don't hold all memories. Alters have the key to those.

I woke up feeling extremely groggy. I didn't sleep til 6 am. I am not positive but my phone activity is a telling sign that "someone" was up ALL night. ..again. It seems to be a ritual. When I  sleep alone Wee has a fear from words told to her at 5 years old..." I am going to burn that house down...if anyone gets out I will shoot them"...I too have heard those words. It was seemingly a mantra for my father for years after my mother ran with us kids. (Love you for your bravery Mom!). It is stuck with Wee and she truly believes that he can still do that. (He died in 1999) So, I have gathered the information that tells me that staying up to watch while the others at home slept, to watch for trouble from my dad, was something started many years ago. ..would explain needing to stay in and put my head on my desk at elementary school at recess. By high-school another alter emerged. I  was 12. Sleep had been hit and miss until I moved back to home in 2011. Now Wee is...

Today overtired. Having anxiety and attacks. The body remembers. I really don't have control right now and so between vibrating and crying etc...I am trying to learn more to try to help myself. The information on DID and non combat PTSD is really lacking. So it is learning to  ask the right questions to start to unravel a long tangled mess. I am fortunate to have a fantastic psychiatrist who is extremely caring and patient. One that does therapy and is well versed in my type of disorder. Canada lags with treatment and support. In time I hope we, as a society learn about prevention and early diagnosis as well as research and continue to battle the effects of trauma. My day was difficult. Hard to keep going. Warrior on I will. ...tomorrow. 😊

Over the years I have realized the many gaps in my memories of childhood. The ones I have are very clear. Almost fully detailed. Then blanks. This is true from age 4+ til now. Elementary school on. What is clear is very clear. And the memories that come to me in the form of flashbacks are painful. Alters take on part of the hosts life. Mostly trauma. Over time in protecting me each developed their own life. Some grew older. Some stayed in the time period they first formed. I have 4 alters that I am aware of. For those of you that grew up with me there was Wee in kindergarten. ..Maddy came when I was 12....they know you. They are me. I was there but I wasn't always....in and out they go. Never to be noticed for many moons.

Today I struggled. I cannot explain missing time. I was feeling quite tired and a noise in my head has been quite irritating. I  relaxed but was fidgeting. Very uncomfortable in my own skin. I waited too long and I don't know from there until a few hours ago. This happens. I have it more often since I  am back to the home I grew up in. Part of that is safety for alters and part of that is triggers for flashbacks. Today was not fun. Blog is late but I  did it. Thanks to all for taking a moment to read.😊

At age 45 (Yes I am😆) my alter "Wee" is quite active. I have second hand stories and the things I  have seen her write, make or do. Like any innocent child she is full of  kindness and love. She has formulated a person with a consciousness that is wondrous. In "this time" vs  "orange" ( the colour of the flooring in the safe 1974 home from dad was orange shag....) she is learning from the Discovery channel and History...and the food network. .etc. She believes she  time travels back and forth because God ran out of bodies so we have to share..and no she is "hewpin". Complicated. ...oh yes! So the funny today amongst a few others was getting me a date. Or that's how it ended up. I  benefited from her rant in 5 year old run on sentences. ..using the sounding it out spelling.  She told a boy about how to love. Yes...the match maker. She has gotten so active early in the mornings....like 2 am til 8am or so. That she spreads her lov...

After we had left dad life was confusing for this 4 year old.  As I  spent time with dad on weekends his deteriorating mindset was thrust on me. My 9 year old brother was going too. Those trips are blank in many places for me. I  went almost every weekend until I was 13. It was damaging time in so many ways. 1975 is the period "Wee" is stuck in. She came during an episode of sexual abuse. Much later in life I got the flashbacks regarding that incident.  "Wee" is me at 5. Perpetually stuck. I  will often make reference to "them" "she" "her" or "we". Alters are fragments of self. It's all me in different periods in different forms that progressively grew in character. It's still all me. Confused?  Me too. 😨