Meltdown

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I had my first nervous breakdown at 18. Summer after finishing high school I was set to go to WLU for my B.A. I was working three jobs and saving money. I had a troubled spring and was having difficulty focusing. My nerves were bad. Then I  started to have attacks in the morning. Trouble being away from my house. I was throwing up and it was panic attacks, but we didn't know. I was suicidal.  My family doctor at that time did not understand and sent me to emergency counselling at RVH (was little brown house by detox center in 1989)
George was the counselor and I have to say that though I don't recall much besides us sneaking smokes in his office  (lol) George was the most compassionate man and likely saved my life.
I want you to know that I have never been hospitalized. We have many times done home hospitalization. Meaning I am medicated and monitored with therapy. Most of these total meltdowns come when a new memory surfaces in flashbacks. Last time was Spring of 2014. Two new memories at once. I lost two weeks because alters stepped in to prevent suicide.
Protectors.
I came out the other side of  that with a different view of this coping mechanism. I also came to realize how fortune I am in many ways. I appreciate my good days much more. I have a perspective on living with alters rather than fighting it.
Integration is a goal but at 45 I am learning to communicate with them via a wipe board and notes. They are all parts of me. I can only enjoy my life as best I  can and try for cooperation. For the most part it works. I didn't even know I was splitting until I was 36. And it was Wee that presented fully first. But they were all there throughout my life.
How could I not know. Do you know everything you saw when you are driving from point A to B? No. That is basic disassociation. Everyone does it.
I never felt it. Yes. Some things were off or I couldn't explain or didn't remember doing or saying things. But I didn't know.
Now when I  talk with old friends they remember one offs...like jumping in and playing with kids and talking little. But it wasn't anything to them then. And no one said anything about things like that.
My ex husband of 11 years still has not been told. Lmao. 
😋

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