5 Alive

Tip 1 1. Breathe deep and slow 2. Feet planted standing in rest position. If you can't stand lay on firm surface or sit legs uncrossed. 3. Think of five things within proximity to you. Picture their shape,feel, texture, smell, colours...Do each item. 4. Pick five items you regularly see in nature.... visualuze shape, colour, feel etc... Did you relax? Tip 2 I have distraction items to focus on ~ A sparkle stick that has glitter that moves in it. Watch it. ~ soft twinkle lights. I have a strand on my dresser. I have a bulb that puts moving stars on the ceiling. I have a moon light glows on ceiling. I have a colour changing lamp. ~ worry beads. I use for counting when I can't focus. I use for mantra over and over when I can..repeat positive affirmations to myself..like "I am safe" "I am strong" my favorite is "I am Warrior Woman" ~ comics. I find on twitter or facebook or just online. I also have my favorite comic books at hand. Calvin and...

Yesterday grabs me. I don't seek it. I have worked and continue to work on today"s behavior and actions or reactions. No changing where I have been. For my tomorrows, not promised, I have lists. Goals dreams and wishes. Some are short term..like finishing a project or writing a friend. Some are the things that seem unattainable today...like travel. It is important for me to also remember to focus on the NOW. Being mindful from my breathing to my accomplishment each moment. I must feel it. Live it. I have homework that I got as part of my therapy and I have expanded the work to my self care and keeping a list of tips to remind myself when I am not doing good. Today is so important. I need to remember the smallest life gifts. Feel it. Live it. Be it. NOW

First of all make sure you are doing slow deep breaths. 4 in  4 hold 4 out pause. Repeat. Second, try to find a quiet spot...easy at home but if your out or in a social setting it is harder. There are a few outs..like the bathroom, or outside for air for a few minutes...even a hallway..a vehicle if you have...lobby... So distraction is a tool I use when I am feeling anxious/panic. This is what I consider a basic "kit" for mental health self care. ~ Something soft. Blanket. Stuffed plush pillow or toy. Yes. Stuffed animal.🐒 ~ Distraction simple games. Figet items like a cube, 3 smooth rocks to play with, glitter jar or stick ( the jar utube shows how to make one!), silly putty, drum sticks, hand stress ball ~Music,  or a movie if works for you. ~Hot/cold bean bag ~Safe people phone list for people, groups and hotlines in your area ~Simple stretching exercises I know there are so many. These would be a start...

5N DID Quiz 1. The body experienced trauma before the age of 7. 2. I feel like I have witnessed another part of myself being abused. 3. I startle easily. 4. I have or do harm the body. 5. As a small child, I enjoyed playing tricks by hiding inside my own body. 6. I don’t recall much of my childhood before the age of 12 years old. 7. I have had 'out of body experiences' or felt like I have 're-entered' body 8. There is more than one personality that shares my body. 9. Sometimes, I feel out of control when I’m talking. 10. I watch the body ‘do things’, as if 'I' am not controlling it or miss time 11. I have experienced child abuse. 12. I am in an abusive relationship now. 13. I often feel two contradictory feelings at the same time. 14. Much of the time, I feel detached from other people, places or time. 15. I sometimes find myself in unfamiliar places, unsure how I got there. 16. I have skills that I don’t recall learning. 17. I lose track ...

I am so ill. There are many days in bed not well. I celebrate the smallest of accomplishments. I have been in darkness for awhile now. Was in a desperate mindset for days. I am resolving to climb out of this hole. Unstuck myself. Use my self care tools. I am starting with a list. What makes me smile? I bet you want to know...lol. There ..silly jokes. Smile It is good even once I started to think about it..start small I thought...butterflies. Smile. My funny little dog. Squirrels chasing each other Birds Pretty landscapes Snowflakes...big fluffy ones Hot homebaked cookies Mexico trips Kid antics (I have great nieces and nephews and friends kids etc.) Bobs Burgers Shopping online Giving help to friends Well..smiles..and that was a start. So much in life cannot be controlled. Shit happens big and small. I have been to hell already so I know I am strong...somewhere within me. I will do the work. I will look at solutions not focus on the problems. Utilizing every old and n...

The past several days have been trying. I am trying to push through gastric problems due to repeated trauma events..it just caught up. My body is tapping out. Today..tears..not as bad as yesterday or the day before. I am not defeated. Today I am on the bench...life must hold on for me. I am doing small distraction. Ball exercise. Stretching the body. I have a glitter stick..got my warm blanket and playing with a bead thing for worry. Am scattered in thought and really tired. Sleep not my friend. Meds go in ... fear is bigger than... This is work. Breathing today. Deep breaths. Calm. Tears release on their own. No control. It passes. Always passes.

https://plus.google.com/113617490122284169797/posts/7TT1a8mpPqX

Fear. Fight or flight. Anxiety Panic I am scared of nothing or things no longer there too. I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of never getting quality life. I am just plain scared about living or dying today. I thought I had come to a spot of accepting leaving earth. I often have been quite ready to leave thank you. But I am here. Tonight fear is bigger than me. I tried square breathing exercise. I did some yoga. I prayed in my way. Meds. Sometimes. I try an hour or so. If it won't go. The high fear. I take a perscribed med. Sometimes it will let me sleep. Often not.

I haven't been well. Mostly in bed suffering body pain. Abdominal..no answers..try this..try that..tests.. The struggle is real. My mental health takes many hits when I feel so helpless and trapped. Childhood abuse in so many ways from too many people. It is partially a body issue as well. I was diagnosed with hpv 2 plus years ago. Anal hpv. I know what your thinking...seriously...hpv lands anywhere front to back men and women. It also has over 130 strains. Most sexually active individuals who get the virus naturally fight it off. Depends on individual and strain. The strain I got turned nasty. Although it looked like we had it..I had the type that can turn cancerous. CAN Ok. So I had about 10 nitro burns to get the warts. Remember..as a child..5 and after, I had been sodimized. Anal rape. It is a trigger to hurt there. Pause..breathe.. After the burning nitro I was left with a skin flap that was in a really bad spot. Flashbacks were frequent. Superficial, a skin tag dia...

I am ever changing Growing or not Alive Often still Learning lessons Mine

The man in the moon He spoke to me Darkness waits Sweet darling For you To see Evil lurks The stars Glowed bright Look here They say No evil Its gone Light you see Moon man  I ask Why lie In darkness Don't deny  I am lonely He spoke Join me I fear The morn It comes To snuff Me out I am here I say The stars Wait too In darkness Again We join you The man in the moon Wept tears Rain joy Together He says We fear Darkness No more ~A.R.

I cannot It is too much Being me Helping you You keep me pinned Yet do not try Being you A price I stay You guilt I buy No more Wings spread I soar Goodbye My evil friend GUILT ~A.R.

Waking blur So unsure Where am I It is morn The sun Bright I glow In its wake Groggy lift Wing poised Fly away Freedom calls ~A.R.

I have a busy mind. Is constant. Bouncing. It gets noisy in my head. Going out into a crowd can be unbearable. There are times I can't get out of an event. In order to cope I have figured out some handy tips on how to have a moment of quiet in a sea of noise. The bathroom. Perfect..no one wants to bother you...especially if you say the word....diarrhea...lol...even if you just standing or sitting quiet...take my time.. Another good spot is I forgot something in the car...no car..then say hot and go out for fresh air Avert tactics in place...always know your space when you go..have backup plan to get home. Plan A to F. I always make sure I have a friend of support know I am going in case I need to be rescued from the outting. At home and want to be alone run a bath...you don't have to get in.... Think of what works for you. It can be done. I fight the fear but am always looking for new tools to defend myself.

Hungry Angry Lonely Tired When any of these at play in my life I remember....decisions and change not to be made. My judgement will be off Need will overcome logic And fear plays in. Is time to just maintain Self care HALT

I am in uncharted territory. Learning more about  myself. My health both mental and physical. Today did not start off good. Mentally. Physically I have been suffering terrible 10 out of 10 abdominal pain on waking...solid food aggravates and I am on path of mending. Sometimes I push too hard or too fast. This is true mentally as well. I have been writing. Sharing. Hashing out who I have become...my role in life and my message. I touched love. I am not good at. Today I am in funk. Shutting down Feeling cold through and through. I am lost again. Distressed Alone Funk

There is a condition..a label for this called Racing Thought Syndrome. Wikipedia has great information...about how it often goes hand in hand with many mental illnesses. Basically the mind is random busy with jumping thoughts that seemingly are endless. Is a maddening process to attempt to slow. Lots of ideas but each person is different in water helps calm that busy brain. . No shut off Creates inability to concentrate or focus at times Dominant feeling of not finishing thought or idea or plan as jumping constant. For me add inner noise. An ongoing sound like being outside an auditorium with much going on and I hear from outside... Sometimes a baby crying in the distance. I am.. Information sponge Racing Inability to sleep Overload Picture memory I have... 'Panel in the head' Negative self talk learned in childhood. Standards morals expectations judgement In self Spinning My solutions are; Headphones..either for quiet or for distracting music Do art or w...

This life is a journey for every breathing being. Mine is not unique. Perhaps it is to some. I  know there are many other abuse victims just like me that are in the thousands and thousands worldwide. My diagnosis according to the DSM....blah blah blah. It doesn't matter. I warrior against PTSD  (mine stems from multiple abuses in childhood, not warfare related), thus I also have Disassociation  (high grade as I have formed alters as a defense mechanism), anxiety and depression. The journey of healing and acceptance and learning is ongoing. When does it end? I have had this question in my mind at times. I have heard others pose it? My answer is...never. Ihave learned that it changes. I have won some and some I continue to learn as I battle. I got over many hurdles...example...my Sexuality.  It took many years to feel clean. I wanted love and had a twisted sense of how to get it. I had a great sense of doing but no clue about Being. I came from fear. Trust took ti...

The majority of the world population is touched by mental illness in some way at some point in their lives. Some as family and friends of those who battle. Some with hereditary factors, some chemical imbalance, many through lack of proper tools for coping in certain environments or exposure to situations that are abnormal..no one choses. The brain is like a huge computer. Anatomy of the brain is complex is still unexplained in many ways. Across the planet their are suffers in hiding, shunned, greatly misunderstood, not treated and some face total unacceptance or even death. Mental health care worldwide is an issue we must warrior for. A defense mechanism the body has or creates must be accepted and understood. More awareness and research and treatment required. I want you to know that for me.. Having complex PTSD and DID formerly known as multiple personality disorder has been a long and painful journey. I will be 46 soon and am still learning about myself, self care and treatment...

Great minds evolve out of trauma, abuse, bullying, life struggles. Adaptation It is important well or ill that warriors share their experiences and tools for self care. Being bedridden much of my days recently left me feeling useless..unworthy and not needed. A burden Then I chose to reach out In doing so I started to share Armchair life coaching for others suffering mental health issues has become my purpose today I will use my sparkle!

I have been thinking My life has been a ride Some phenomenal parts some desperate and painful Many experience...many no one would believe or ever dare to try I have had the spectrum It truly is like 5 lives and then some I have had more therapists and treatment and guinea pig I have endured I cannot believe that information  has been for naught I  must have purpose Maybe this lesson is not only for me Perhaps I have sparked your journey.....

I have not been well Physically I am in pain with no answers as to cause yet. In testing. I have not been able to meet my goal of writing daily. My pain has been taking all my energy. With pain and illness of my body my mental health also suffers. I am back to basics self care. Please watch for posting I warrior on.

Try Heart Ask Give Wait Disappointment Last Second Fifth End of the line Not high priority A side thought Afterthought No thought Broken plans No actions Words Not there Not here In truth No care Possible Despair Again Just be Me

There is no end to what ifs... I try not to go there in my mind. It creates more questions than answers. Leaves me with self doubt and often triggers fear. No one knows the future. Our past is not always a good guideline to reflect on. Tonight I had panic. I am not physically well I had woke and was disoriented I forgot all my tools for the anxiety...it was ramping quick...I reached out Breathe.... I was going too fast The brain was in full out panic I found a podcast It did not matter much the topic but was calming I have medication if it goes too far I did get myself refocused. Had some help from an online friend. It never hurts to ask for help when in distress. Sometimes just a talk helps. I still feel scattered I am here

I know all levels of pain. Physical, emotionally and spiritual. Today is physical triggering emotional. I am extremely ill. This morning pain level was a sweating 10/10. I had no pain management. I am in line for Gastrointestinal testing of all kinds. I also have a continued problem with surgery done in January on my bum, and area that already triggers flashbacks. Add bathroom runs. I am in pain and spinning. Switching with alters as we face this as one body. Past pain and today pain I had to engage in pact. Talk about living.  No out.  Not today. Today I am strong like bull... Today I want to be strong...

If you want to learn and grow and share....search! There are groups for many illnesses. From chronic pain, veterans ptsd, abuse survivors, general anxiety, traumatic brain injury etc. If you feel alone or have questions or perhaps look for new friends that share your path. Google it Twitter search use # s Facebook search I have used taPir which has forums for different disorders I also go to Ivory Garden igdid  for Trauma and Disassociation mostly abuse warriors. Many groups are monitored regularly and you have to apply to join. This is for your safety too. If you want help...look for it. If you don't have online there are sit down groups in different areas. Get the phone book out... Try...try ...try again... #SickNotWeak #Itsoktonotbeok #TalkMH #cptsd #ptsd #anxiety #mentalhealth #depression There are so many. If you use facebook search for some of these. There are lots of people and groups to connect with. Keep on trying! You are not alone!

In the morning when I wake I stop before starting.... Today I choose... Fill in using the 5 senses. I choose to see the sunset today Or I choose to feel positive I choose to smell like flowers I choose to go to see a friend Etc. Pick something. Start the day off with one thing in mind. Stay on purpose. At night I keep a little journal. Today I am grateful... For seeing wild geese For feeling special when I was complimented by..... That I got this..... task done. These things when wrote down serve as reminder when I am feeling down.. That each day is new and different. That there is light in darkness. Self care..growth..self evaluation...facing life is work.

Alter Identities in Dissociative Identity Disorder (MPD) and DDNOS http://traumadissociation.com/alters

Alters in Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) | Dissociative Living - HealthyPlace http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2015/03/alters-in-dissociative-identity-disorder/

We alone are responsible for ourselves. We need to educate ourselves.  Be open to change. Make back up plans for comfort and safety.  Perhaps most importantly one needs to have a support network. People on all levels in life today to reach out to at different times for different needs. No one is coming to you. They can't read your mind or know what you like or need. First you have to have people  (fur babies count if they are your family member but don't start counting dog park dogs as your support). My experience only leads to these suggestions... Make a paper list that you keep handy. Start with 30 people who are active presently in your life...from family to friends to acquaintances. Place in order of closeness as far as in your heart. Yes you can have a tie...lol Next add their contact information  so you can reach out when you are in need. Phone numbers...email...social media..address... This is just a start. If your list isn't 30 people then you may wan...

Dissociation (psychology) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)

Each day is different for everyone. Well or not. My goals change with my capabilities per day. Plan but don't promise. And have dreams and goals. For doing the work it starts with self evaluation. I ask myself ~Where am I at today? (Physically, emotionally, for the also spiritally) I like to do basic grading in my mind. Some people keep a log For me the 1-10 scale works ~ What are my Have to Do's? Examples being work to accomplish. If you have a regular job or project to complete. Banking food clean Nap Calls to make.... ~ What are my Want to Do's? A call A letter Connect with a group Go out for "play time " Go see someone Go experience something...look at that list of Life Do's  (some call a bucket list) Some people may have simpler Do's like see a sunrise or go for short walk...make some of those wants reachable...so you feel that good of accomplishment when you reach it. This is basic questions...my brain is always busy. Perhaps worse...

A Living pact is a promise and a deal to not end your own life. You will stay alive and if there ever becomes a time that you have no more options and is too great you have made a pact to someone who can come and kick your ass  (should you attempt and not succeed).A friend..long acquaintance or family member last will do. Family should be last resort. This person in turn must be able to promisr to help you go if life has truly beyond relief for you....it's a living pact! And a true promise so you think ...not act. It's your word. A true heart to heart all of being promise. I think everyone does a some point in their life reach " the end of their lines". Living pact. Pick two different people. I recommend one older and one younger...

Things are needed when I have to do self care. I only truly have me to rely on. So....comfort items are often soft. Whatever works. I am not ashamed. I have: Stuffed animals.  Many. Plush. All sizes...from being able to put in pocket to snuggle size. Nothing truly outrageous. Chest size. When I am anxious or stressed or lonely or sad....I hold tight. Pillows with different fill for change in firmness. Often I need the huge feeling and will surround myself. Back likes firm....chest likes soft... Fuzzy blanket and flannel sheet Fuzzy pillow...again..chest size If I need it will roll a quilt, blanket or sheet up like a Swiss roll and tie it and hug Can add blankets or heavy flannel to make bigger and longer a body length. Have used soft towels too. Made myself a hot cold bad with barley in it to add warmth on chest or cold for anxiety and panic.

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, dissociative and trauma disorders information http://traumadissociation.com/

I have this sad feeling with me like a rock dragging on my heart...some days it is a pebble and somedays I cannot move because of its weight. On days like this I work harder at sharing a smile or good words with others. It doesn't make the rock crumble away..it does lighten it's weight. Love, smiles and kindness lift myself up. 🙄

I have been suffering undiagnosed abdominal plus back pain.trying to eat not going too good. ER trip just tells me off to Gastroenterologist Speck...I am in line...wait Suffer and wait Tonight I  have pain down to  a 7/10 and that is the best I have been in days. Months of tummy trouble. Self care is most important now.

Was at emergency yesterday..am afraid of hospital. I  switched there and Wee was out. Thank you papa for being there. No results. In line for Gastrointestinal Specialist. So much fun...

They used to call it Multiple Personality Disorder.  It is Dissassocative Identify Disorder today. Often goes hand in hand with trauma Posts Traumatic Stress Disorder. It happens as a defense mechanism. A blocking of memory...internalized...taken to a place where your brain can process. In time when it is early trauma the self will attempt to make sense of what it sees not understand..cannot handle. The self can become fragmented.  Over time these fragments of defense get stronger.  Particularly if we are unable to find new coping skills to help deter. I have fragments. All me. All protection.  They feel..they think...over time have improved their strength and division of being true selves.

I had forgotten about this wonderful man. Early in my life he was a special light. I did not see him often. He was elderly. Mr. "W" has long left this world but when he was here he touched mine. Kind eyes...always had candies in his pockets. His wife was gone, children grown..he liked to just have tea and visit. Loved to watch us kids play. I never understood that. He was just plain love. He had time and never chastised us. Actually encouraged us to explore his yard and play. Sit out with our parent and have tea.. Crazy right?!? Something wrong. I think he was almost..normal.

Over and over I died Inside My ashes Fresh For life To bloom Mine #mywords

Did you see them? Which way are they going? I must find them I am their leader 😆

On a daily basis I am tired. There is no relief at times...days of limited sleep and no deep REM. Night is a hard time for me. Not being able to see...fear. I cannot reason it away. Yes...I got busy...yes I suck it up buttercup.. The light of day comes. I fight the desire to have a long long nap...things to be done, people to see, places to go. It is work to get ready. Remember everything a normal person does ...I have routine but I have to check and recheck. Now back up plans a b c d e...comfort bag loaded...usually half the household... Check Check OK No Go No Out the door quickly to car...all of 12 feet away from the front door. Keys....fk...back  in. I am stressed and I  haven't even made it into the car. Ok Go. In car windows open. Success. The car is an extension of me and also carries goodies I may require...should I need to cut a tree down or play in a puddle...perhaps a pillow for you?? Ready. Vroom I have my eye on the prize. 4 stops. List in hand. M...

Ancient vases cracks revealed their greatest beauty and true strength They stood the tests of times yet still functional...and from the dust if earth their beauty shone Cracks never leave they only reveal truth of experience

I am awake this morning. I feel I got some sleep. Not enough but I am more rested than usual. Unfortunately someone ate something during the night that has given me stomach and bowel pain. It's a bathroom party for one. 😣 I am feeling otherwise happy and calm. Has been weeks coming. I hope the no sleep pattern is broken. It is hard to think, concentrate, on my best of days. I know that I am hypervigilant and sensitive to external input when I am with people or in mall or coffee shop etc. I already have noise in my head so the added sensory exposure can cause me an overload. Zappo I go down from it. My brain shuts down. My body gets exhausted as well. I When this happens I will lay down and try to nap. I like quiet so I may put headphones on. (SometimesI can't wear them because it causes me to be paranoid that I can't hear if anyone is coming) Catch 22. I have great hopes for some productivity today. I have a painting I am working on. I want to do some writing...

Everywhere I go I take a bag. Usually size of a school backpack. I take all the things that I may need should I find myself in emotional distress. I always have things that appeal to the other parts of me too. Wee likes a stuffed animal. She has always had a bear...now she has many to pick from. From little Sesame Street characters that fit in her hand (she rubs on her face to settle herself ) to a large stuffed bear she calls Gunther...three favorites are that and monkey named coco and a long necked bear called Goober... Maddy likes the adult colouring books so I take those things in the comfort bag. I carry medicine, wet wipes, spare set of clothes plus sweatshirt, glitter stick to distract myself, phone charger, meal supplement bar and drink, thermos bottle of hot water (soothes insides). I also have phone and paper contact list of support people. Sometimes I put more in..not often less. I take my comfort bag if I am going more than 20 minutes away from home...sometimes I take it...

Overwhelmed

If I were a war military veteran that would be seen as a hero in deserve. I got my cpp pension after fighting for it with medical reports after 3 plus years. I had worked and filed taxes dice I was old enough. I got the percentage I put in. Early cpp disability. It isn't enough to rent an apartment in my community. A room and food not much else. I am a warrior. I am working everyday to keep Alive. I have a simple lifestyle. My war was environtally. Abuse of all kinds. I have a loving family and friends. Love helps and they help financially if they can. Help me...but we aren't rich in money. And I often feel inside me that I am a burden to them and society. I had war. No orphanage or csa or sent abroad to face atrocities. I still battled. I still do. I seek not pity. I seek understanding. I am my own hero....

I believe gods house has many levels. I believe that abuse comes from a place of illness of some kind... I believe that forgiveness frees me My demons chase me. I  chose to live days forward. I share my story because my past finds me. I battled many years. It manifests when you don't be true to yourself. I forgive others. That is my heart. I have more trouble forgiving self. More trouble forgiving ignorance. I was raised Catholic...forgiveness for me is letting go...

The rain on the window Matched tears on my cheeks Streaked release Built up Now pours down The gods Hear me

2 years this month dealing with butt issues...no wonder I am not well

Got a call to go see my doctor. Have not been feeling good and trouble in different areas. End result of visit: Down 4 more pds since visit in June...calories need to be more. Doctor happy about getting what I can in. With full supplement diet as well. Sending to Gastrointestinal Specialist to have checked. Wait for appointment. Meantime Panteloc prescribed. Skin issue. New rash on elbow may be from stress. Could be from MASH hospital trip...looks like contact dermatologic reaction...trial special cream and see first. If it does not clear. Will be refered to dermatologist. My bum. The trip to Toronto hospital discussed. I am being sent to see local General Surgeon for follow up and check about nerve bulge....wait for appointment. Blood in urine last three tests...could be one of a thousand things or nothing. First ultrasound and appointment with Urologist. Wait for appointments. Go give another urine sample at lab this week. What a day. Went shopping with my visiting friend. ...

Back to local Doctor about dropping weight..unable to eat without stomach and bowel pain. Been living on supplements of protein bars, meal replacement drinks, soluable fiber and whatever I can force in. Been a physical battle that also is emotionally draining. Am really tired and feeling like a human testing ground for weird illnesses..physical and mental. On my roller coaster wear your helmet and full body armour. This is war.

So much on my mind. Great friend here visiting and helping me get through aftermath of hospital. Lots happening in my world. Turmoil in my head...not helping for sleep. Today I had a little panic attack. It didn't last long but I had to take meds to get calm. I am having flashbacks. Flashing memories are evil. So real. Then I tend to dissassocate more. Been tough days but pushing forward. Still watching for the rainbow.

Very tired. Good day. Self care required.

And now I bare my soul Exposed The depth of My being Released Vulnerable Free I am pretty rough. MASH trip has set off flashbacks. I don't feel good. I am switching lots because of butt pain. I also have a sore...perhaps forgot my latex allergy!!!! Love to all sending well wishes Enjoy my poem. April

Bad hospital trip Bad Doctor Lies Screwing with what is the truth Lost records so Doctor covering her tracks Burden of proof  -  mother....she is a silencer Mother puts down other support people Keeping control No wonder we never told about rape and sodomy and other abuse Burden of proof.... M

When I miss time...even briefly..often in some way part of me ( alter) will communicate. I often don't see right away. Some of the time the note or message will come again. They figure out technology and ways to find things...or go around me.. Anyway today I got a message via a draft on my blogging spot. It wasn't published. But it was funny. I have been losing weight and my bloodwork could be better..etc. Having a lot of trouble eating so doing best and added supplements. This was funny... Lily is drinking coffee mate for calories. Rotflmao M

Stressed. Medicated. Sunnybrook. My bum....AGAIN. Not same...no...just that spot. Nerve bulge now. Painful. Triggering me. My doctor worried about the mental effects.  Me too. Way too many things on my plate in physical and mental... Blog on...

This is about a partner to someone who disassociates. Some of it may ring true even if you are a friend or family to someone like me. Some I can relate to. Some ..like insurance stuff I skip. And Canadian medical system different from other countries. Take it with a grain of salt if you find this link The Significant Other's Guild to Dissociative Identity Disorder http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/did/did-guild.htm#contracts

https://youtu.be/Ra-Om7UMSJc Kelly Clarkeson - Because of you I don't know if the link will come up. My mother has her own trauma and we don't discuss our stuff. She is over protective...Way Too Controlling....paranoid.. This song makes me think of her. I think of what she came out of...really a story like mine...so this does make sense. Out of her fears...she held me and still does in that place of clipped wings. I still love her to the moon and back.

I told some things about my marriage to Jeep to a friend tonight. I never have spoken about it other than in therapy...that I  know of. It is hard to speak. I loved him with all I had. When things were going good we were so happy...I did struggle. In many ways he did as well. After all we had met when I was in Alanon and he was in AA I was 19. It was from Oct 3 1992 - separated officially January 2004 - divorced final August 2007. I am hoping said friend can write some of the rest????? Hey P. ☺

Discovery History National geographic Animal planet She is preparing for the world war....learning about plants and making fire and building a trapper Shack and making snares....worries...always has learned something about bush living including how to do a pelt....hmmm...not me....lol Food channel - teaching herself some easy things to cook and Where To Eat.. Dumb cartoons - nope - no moral to the story The news - was getting to be a problem so she is currently cut off watching... Wheel of Fortune - where is Bob barker..lol Jeapardy - hard but she will watch if here...with mama and papa D She has no little people. She is around older people. No sibs. No friends of her time...she gets confused. She gets lonely and sad. She time travels back to 1975...they are ok. There are still here but just not right now...

I do truly hope that you can try to understand that outside of safest of today people and safe house none of alters are out blatantly anytime..they feel me...they feel for trouble signs in the body and then peek to decide who goes. Again...since they have come this I have learned over time second hand. I AM the fkn host. I was here first and almost always if I can. People don't understand. I fight judgement and rejection and new life rules because they are now known to exist ....were always there but different as they were evolving. Patience grasshopper...we are still learning about Self. I am April. Don't be questioning that I am capable of doing things now...there are 5 of me and only (for most) one of you!

Not enough

Technology - long way from 1975 to now. She got fully out in 2006 ..I can only relay what I have been told .. She was fascinated by the skinny TV, a machine that spit out paper pictures and such (printer/copier) different food, a gazillion channels and no bunny ears and tinfoil. What is this square thing that buzzes and makes noise (she shook it and looked it all over and pressed all the buttons on my cell phone) Everything was different. And she wasn't with mama and sibs...what about kindergarten....her friends...who lived in this place (my house) was it a "safe house" and the other people Gaurds????Very confused. All these new machines she started to learn. She had time... Lady in the mirror - there is a Gaurd that lives in the walls (at my house) and she was watching because she could see her in the mirrors. She was following Wee so she must be a body gaurd. She didn't see HER face and didn't yet think or know she was in a 'big body'. When panic happ...

List of my many high school activities...a variety of interests that now make sense considering the disassociating. -sports: gymnastics                 Volleyball                  Basketball                  Soccer  (was on boys team..no                      girls team then...)                  Alpine skiing                  Cross country skiing 4H club Junior Achievement Student council Chess club MADD club Camera club Drama club I was busy. I guess between myself and the sides th...

Was not a great day. I did my will. I have been struggling with my physical health. I feel a deep need to prepare. I don't want anyone left to deal with it without it easy. Decisions. I have no children and no partner. I had a plan but it isn't to be...so I had a lot on my mind. Short story of it Panic on way to lawyers. Flashbacks started. I got my friend on speaker phone. I am trying to focus. I just want to make the office. It gets fuzzy after I pulled in. I puked. I had to get help...thanks to nephew!!! Will done . Am so tired.

Ah ah ah ah...stayin alive Throughout my life I have had some difficulty wanting to continue this journey. I get tired. So tired. Incredibly tired. The body doesn't get enough sleep. Enough hours together to have REM. My brain head feels busy. Bouncing in thoughts. I have of things going on with my physical health..my brain is on overload. Was not getting sleep. Getting more I'll.  Am on home hospitalization...that is medicate it away til stable. MASH  is Wednesday.  Then a different Doctor about my weight loss continuing  ...on the Monday. Full plate. I am out. Thanks for reading folks !

You will not take my power away from me. I will not stop for ignorance. I remember to temper my words...but I will not let you put me back in the closet. I now know what it feels like to feel the harsh ignorance a person faces when they summon up the courage to be who they truly are.

I don't know. Taking flack Now you know Now you treat me different The closet was safer Telling has hurt more It was good Then went very bad Time off Think Cry Was trying to help Was hoping to educate I made a new friend But now I am a freak You won't have me in your home I might switch Be 5 I used to watch your kids You didn't know Now you do Feeling shame Once again Doctor I press on Change my people Run away Run away I can't You know More tears So tired I beg For release

If any one of my alters contacts you feel privileged. They don't expose themselves freely. Only safe people. Almost always it will be Wee. She is truly in 'her time'. 4 going on 5 right now. They all have secrets even I don't know. They have lived in fear so they don't share their life. "Time travelling". I am writing this blog with their blessings. How do I know? We communicate on paper, text from me to me. Notes. They each put a check mark yes to talk about them. They are bright. They are kind...unless you hurt one of us...or if you piss one off. They feel. I don't know what they think or do. I deal with aftermath often. And they delete things so I may not have a clue what is going on. I was planning to have a cheap holiday.  I don't have money. I save and save and save. I am not able to have a job. I miss time. I have anxiety to panic. This is not a pleasure cruise. But it's My Ride! I make the best of it. So not safe where I was going ...

Breathe deep Breathe gentle I have you In my arms Tonight This moment Today A gift Cherished I breathe Knowing There is no dawn A.R

https://www.facebook.com/events/1060862723999076/?ti=cl

When night after night I go without sleep I will hit a wall. Too tired. Feel melancholy.   Vulnerable. Self care is getting a tool to combat anxiety or depression, fear, stress and more body reactions and emotions. It is a learning journey for all humans. We have basic needs. Food, water, shelter, heat, comfort... I have much learning to go...my journey is forward. These a few of my self care tools..I have many....I say get a BIG toolbox! ~Hot bath or cold shower or hot shower..I like to feel the calm of the water. I vary the temperature depending on how I am feeling. (hot pounding shower feels good when I am sad or stressed)😥 ~Square breathing exercise:  4 count in 4 count hold four count out 4 count hold Repeat Repeat This can be modified a lesser count as you learn to bring that air straight into full belly expanding your diaphram. It takes practice as we tend to only expand our lungs and only the minimal regularly. Air feeds the body and mind. It can hel...

Many nights are difficult. I can't find sleep. This can be a time for creativity...

I have been left behind, used, hurt, abandoned emotionally... All my life I have been sensitive about people in my life. I never want them to go. Don't leave me... I do everything including things that make me puke literally ...like driving all the way to stay with you (no I don't tell you)...or staying overnight or just doing a crowd so I can be with you... I take meds to try to fit...to push my boundaries... And even when I am not getting much in return...your crumbs appease me. Then I can't cry anymore. It hurts that I am not enough. I am making myself sick trying to hold on to some love Say goodbye self...look after self...do it...say goodbye Tears

She has been notified that she is not allowed to do tweeting to people. Wee is obviously 5. Hope you all can see her love and kindness...and how little ones view this world of today. Remember she is "time travelling " so what is on the TV today and world news is much different than 1975. She wants peace. Phonetic written.  Some spaces used but not consistently.  Everyone smile.  😊

People wrote me letters when they were displeased with me or venting or manipulating...I thought that that is what you were supposed to do but I didn't. I had learned really early it didn't work out for me. I  had drawn a picture for the court psychologist...custody battle... Draw your family I had already been asked a zillion questions. She was nice enough but why was I by myself? Did I do something wrong? I don't know what is happening. I think dad wants me and my one older brother.... Paper and crayons provided. Draw you animal. Draw your home. Draw your family. I draw the dog. She is fluffy gray and white. We have her with us at home. New home. Daddy wants us back with him. She is going to pay for leaving him. Everyone is going to pay. Ok. Family I don't think. I draw 7 figures. Plus dog. The line went Don Mom Big brother big sister big brother2  dog ..then dad. No more questions I am done. Did I pass?? Not with dad when he saw it.

I want you to think of a soldier. Military of some kind.  They have been and seen atrocities. Had great pain and had no choice but to  keep going as they were in war. A battlefield. When returning they struggle. PTSD. Sometimes that soldier goes back to that war. Flashbacks. Imagine being in the flashback...perhaps trying to combine the war with the environment they are now seeing. They are home.

Don't air your dirty laundry Let it blow in the wind It can only smell better M

If you go on Twitter...you can see wees posts to the Pope Harper putin You have to search with @putinrf_eng @aprilrhynold Or @pontifex @aprilrhynold Like that I haven't figured out how to get it to my blog yet.

The town was growing. In the 70s you could be sure no matter where you went you were bound to run into someone you know.  Kindergarten was a magical place where I I met the world. I had a black teacher who I thought was an angel. This town didn't have much mixed race nor did we care. As a child I only knew she was beautiful. Some of you reading this are probably time travelling in their mind to those days. The kindergarten had its own play area. The "Big kids" were at the back of the school...to me a mile away since I couldn't see my older brother. Mrs. Magic could sing like an angel. She was teaching me about numbers and letters and God and love. I felt a safety from her. Big hugs. Those were the days when a teacher would take you in their arms if you were hurt or sad or just because... I remember the piano she played and little matts meant for nap time. I always wanted nap time. No one knew I was hardly sleeping. Living in fear that my dad was going to hurt my ...

Today was not the best of days. I need a holiday I need peace I need to go I feel stuck I feel ill with the  heat Ill with tension and stress Want to run Want to hide They say it will pass I wait

I just had to share this. Try to figure it out. Wewaytinforamedsinmabehewpanitmabewilhewpifietud deesmajikdwopsdafareescumdtomakdussaffernit Dwopsfermespesal Maddygonagivdme I hopsdafareescumd She has a safe list of people she can talk to. I know that she thinks she is time travelling and it can be lonely for her when there are no kids here anymore. She is quite loved as she is very loving and kind. You should find me on Twitter. She has posted there a couple times...to the pope..lol...

Someone was up til 4:30 on Facebook. Hmm. Wee was up with papa and then went back to bed and I was up a half hour later. I am beat. AND I don't know what was eaten but my pooper is angry. I am not too happy about it either. 😲 Coffee isn't going to hurt and so far not helping me get focused. Sometimes I just have to nap. I cannot fight it. And overtired leaves me more vulnerable to switch. Zzzz it is!

As I have come to learn that the simple moments  un life are precious, I tend to be either introverted or living outside of the box...so to say. I am unconventional in some ways. I like to try something...once...or more if it's good! Remember that when this bird flies...well I just go. Don't judge. Example: ~ love to be naked     Am not above wearing  hat and thong while pushing a wheelbarrel.. it was hot.    Beach law to the line. Topless  (always have cover up close) I like the feeling of sun on me and no ties. Yes I also am respectful of others and I didn't wear a full suit if need be. ~ scavenger hunt      For a time I would try to get others to be outside their comfort zone. I would make a list of funny things worth different points and we would have a time limit...break off in teams.  Was so much fun. Especially for some who had been  really living controlled lives. ~ posed once a month for a a year in ...

The more caged or trapped or out of control The more I seek to prove I am free, I will not fear, I will experience

Radar Radar Mayday Mayday Radar Radar All hands on deck. It's time for biopsies at the hospital with the MASH unit. My experiences with Dr. TM have been mixed. Bad cells skin tag at anal outer 2 years ago. Really was lucky in some ways. Local General Surgeon was on it immediately and sent me to the big TO.  I have country bumpkin tendencies in the city. I find it fascinating to visit. Since way down to TG. I want you to know this was a horrendous trip. They did biopsies. So you have to think about a stranger doing an invasive procedure...I had my good friend with me.  Thank you again S!! She had to pin me while flashbacks and alters came though out. Next a safe margin Done in January of this year. To different hospital where I was told they would put me out. Hmm. Well that was not a good day to go to the endoscopic unit. This is why the qive you the satisfaction survey  BEFORE they do anything to you. Just the basics of my procedure.: ~Not out. Four doses of fe...

Secrets, alters, dark steals love...opening up to free the flutters of the past, hidden key, unlock my love to heal. A friend has the words that go with it. 

As hard as this is to do I am glad to be doing it. I don't want pity or sadness. It is lessons from my life. If I wanted to expose certain people I would have long before now. This isn't for any vengeful reasons. I don't live my life without forgiveness. I am learning about me too. Sharing in this way...trying to be respectful without names...can only be a positive for me. I  can no longer fear what others may assume or think from what I  write. Life lessons come in many forms. I have been blessed to have so much support and positivity around me throughout my life. My mother and step father did everything to try to protect us all. No blame and no regrets. Take heart in knowing I am a warrior. ☺

I have been informed that pami should not be telling....that it could affect family. That she needs to watch what she says. ...I say fk that. I have a temper but am learning to hold it. We can not remain silent to protect from what others think. M

Hi. I am M. Maddy Pami is struggling. No blog til later today. Stay groovy.

Too many nights of not much sleep had me done today. I missed some time as alters came concerned about what's upset Pami. (Pami is how they refer to me) Stess doesn't help. Life can be frustrating when I  can't get to do what I want or need to because my body is having anxiety and flashback episodes. Everyday is a new day. Tomorrow I hope for some beach time with family.  Cross your fingers it's a fantastic day for me. I just never know so it makes it next to impossible to make any firm plans. I keep working at it. Years ago, after separating from my husband, I had c-difficile  (a bacteria in your intestinal track, bowels) for 11 months.Was very close to not making it through that. I survived but it left me agoraphobic for awhile. Couldn't leave my house. It has been a real struggle since. Harder than it already was. So. I  have hope and will. Toes crossed!!

I was refered by my psychiatrist for medicinal marijauna. I have had to use more lorazepam or clanazepam for several weeks now. It is time to try a different approach. Liquid is her idea...hoping for a positive body response So I had my appointment at S H clinic today. They do formal paperwork...normally is approximately $400 to have done but they have compassionate appointments for just OHIP. I am really upset. The Dr. was completely  ignorant ...to me. I  was and am still crying. He didn't know what DID was...wanted to know sarcastically who I was today. Then wanted to know why I don't work and what I do all day. I feel ridiculed. Was very demeaning. I  left there with forms done and they don't follow up for 6 months. My referring Doctor is not impressed. The dosage isn't even correct. So frustrated with being me tonight. Ignorance feeds stigma. This is supposed to be a professional. A Doctor who should know better. Arrogance and ignorance. My doctor now has t...

I had my first nervous breakdown at 18. Summer after finishing high school I was set to go to WLU for my B.A. I was working three jobs and saving money. I had a troubled spring and was having difficulty focusing. My nerves were bad. Then I  started to have attacks in the morning. Trouble being away from my house. I was throwing up and it was panic attacks, but we didn't know. I was suicidal.  My family doctor at that time did not understand and sent me to emergency counselling at RVH (was little brown house by detox center in 1989) George was the counselor and I have to say that though I don't recall much besides us sneaking smokes in his office  (lol) George was the most compassionate man and likely saved my life. I want you to know that I have never been hospitalized. We have many times done home hospitalization. Meaning I am medicated and monitored with therapy. Most of these total meltdowns come when a new memory surfaces in flashbacks. Last time was Spring of 2014....

Seatte every year. This conference has medical speakers of all kinds and groups for support people and for people like me. I belong to the online closed group but have never face to face met another person with DID. But Seattle is not close by any stretch.  I am in Ontario Canada. And I don't have money. This is on my wish list. Someday I am going. Think positive!!☺ 2016 Trauma-Informed-Care Three Day Event | 2016 Trauma and Dissociation Conference https://igdid.org/2016-trauma-informed-care-three-day-event/

Nights are difficult. I can go to sleep and within a half hour the body is up again. I  have no clue what happens through the night...other than if contact has been made with someone else. That said, there are signs. Sometimes it's not obvious and sometimes it's ridiculously clear. Here are some things that have happened: ~ Part of my eyebrow....in the middle of the hair....shaved off ~ bathroom is clean from top to bottom ~ red marker hair streak so we are cool for Christmas (my chiropractor noticed and thought it was lovely) ~ vine with flowers pen and??? self foot "tattoo" (was actually quite beautiful) did not just wash off.. ~ polished stainless steal counter and kitchen reorganized ~ phone is filled with funnies and positive affirmative quotes...from???? ~ a friend got texts that made an alters feelings and stance very clear...it's not on my phone (deleted by them)and I have no idea why friend upset...lmao..sometimes it's not too funny and I have...

If you have a question I will try to  answer. I  can also write it down for the alters. They don't like to be called that...I received a note on the wipe board from Wee. If you want any of them to write...(no promises as they don't always cooperate. But Wee has help to do it if you would like. You will need to read phonetic spelling and decipher run on sentences but she is something else...let me know.

It has taken many years to accept my body. I learned over time to trust. I  married a gentle man and we had a good life for 11 years. The problems when they occurred were severe. Gambling is an illness. 3 x and big money.  The worst was the deception and the lies. No more reality. And no, we didn't know the symptoms I was presenting was alters. We called it severe panic...as MY clear memories are different I didn't know all the different incidents. And I wasn't properly diagnosed until after I was divorced. He probably still doesn't know. Lol. The alters keep the secrets. Every now and then a memory :gets loose"....that is NOT fun. Can be a setback . Takes flashbacks over and over and talking and asking get questions of who I can to try to  make sense of it. Note: For me flashbacks will cycle and I  don't remember after. But over time the pain that comes can be tough to break through.  And a flashback often becomes a black spot for me. They also come with s...

Today I am tired. Really tired. I feel like I am spinning my wheels The baby is crying in my head and it just won't ease today I have been working at getting used to it. Like living next to noisy train tracks or something. I have reached out to others. I feel ok. But I am stressed. Many things on my mind...Maybe that doesn't help the noisy head. Short today. Sorry folks. Days like this there just isn't much for me to give and share. Love to all. 💜

I have learned to just go with the flow. I have no choice. My body functions this way for a reason. If I could change it... But I wouldn't be the person,with the love and values and empathy, that I have become. It's not an easy life and sometimes I tread close to the wanting out. Like said or sung..."its not easy to be me"...

Too many nights of not getting sleep because alters are busy. On the plus my kitchen and bathroom got cleaned thru the night! I don't know which did it. I get tired of trying to communicate to figure this out. There is a conference in Seattle in October. It happens every year for one weekend. On my list of "want to experience". Today I got to do running around in borrowed car. I also had opportunity to listen to guitar in the shade at the lake. The calmness of the water does soothe me. Great music and some laughs. I find I am really on a burst of self learning lately. It can be painful but also very bright.  And accepting myself more each day by just being aware of how my mind and body work. Off to bed. Praying car doesn't cost me an arm or any other part...pray for it. Lol.☺ If my blog ever sounds scattered to you...it is hard to stay focused with noise etc...in my head. Add on average of 4 hours sleep night after night. A nap has turned into sleep on many aft...

Wee ~ age in time warp 4+ Maddy ~ age in time warp 12-18 (trauma jumps) Rogan  ~ 16 17 but he is 4 1/2 years older than I am Lily ~ 20 Today 2016 Wee ~ 4+ cycles and does not age Maddy ~ recently figured she has been out enough and had 3 birthdays so she is 20 Rogan ~ aged along with me and is now 50 Lily ~ continued to age and is going to be 46

My step father is the most loving, kind and generous man. He deserves to live his days in bliss as far as I am concerned. He has saved me so many times in life. Real. Papa Don is going to be 83 and I just want his days full of smiles. He always has been my Knight. Taught me about recycle, reuse, loving the simple things in life and to be generous where you can. He is a unique character. Ahhh. Life for me is bat shit crazy a lot. Keeping on.. Curious to see what comes next....and that can be interesting or sad or hilarious. I will blog about some of the antics of my alters soon. I really truly do get a good laugh at 'myself '. 😉

Today was not the best of days and I missed some time. I know what made me vulnerable to switch...tired and agitated with alot on my mind. Add in an over controlling parent (with ocd gone wild) and no sense of her negative effects. My independence is suppressed. It is confusing. I want to spesk up. "Mother I am grateful but please let me live my own agenda! And for lordies sake stop fussing and being grouchy." She has brought my step father so close to tears with her slights, sarcasm and harshness I just don't understand why. Always a controlling woman but she has gotten really much worse with time.  Perhaps she isn't coping well with her own aging, the prospect of having to care for him, she has periods of being super sweet. Jekyll and Hyde... A mom is always a mom and a daughter is always that too. Can't we try to find the silver lining together?

I swear I am gonna snap a cog.

Therapy day. I am very fortunate to have a Psychiatrist that also is an MD. Her forte is PTSD. She sees mostly Military with PTSD.  There are no specialists or groups or really any support for those with dissassocative disorder anywhere close to me, or even in my province. It is frustrating. Dr. L is really great and I get an hour with her every other week. I also am able to message her whenever I need. She truly cares and is very good. As you may know...or not...I have struggled lately. I make the best of my good days but I  have been having a lot of panic and little sleep. I have missed more time to alters. I have that new noise in my head. It's a baby crying. It is triggering flashbacks and attacks that mimic seizures. So I am just really spent. Tired and a bit melancholy (prone to tears and very sensitive). I am also feeling 'raw'. Vulnerable and scared. Makes me irritable at times. I want to cover my head and sleep but I keep pushing. Today I felt my session was p...

When did I  realize I  had alters? 2006 Why didn't I know? Everything jived ... everyone forgets things or doesn't remember what they said or did. I had lots going on in my world that was trauma in ways I clearly remember.  Like having my fingers crushed together so I would pay attention or comply...or just for the fun of me squirming. I remember being kissed inappropriately by family members. ..almost photographicly clear. I was married for 11 years. ..I didn't know. But looking back some big signs were there like severe "panic attacks " that mimic seizure like symptoms. I don't remember some things done in anger that he swore I  did but I  don't recall. Anyway...next.. How old when sexual abuse occurred? Incidents different in nature from (best guess) 4- 13. Do I  hear voices? No. The alters have some communication between them...particularly the younger 2 who took the majority of abuse incidents. I have a noise in my head that comes and goes t...

I woke up feeling extremely groggy. I didn't sleep til 6 am. I am not positive but my phone activity is a telling sign that "someone" was up ALL night. ..again. It seems to be a ritual. When I  sleep alone Wee has a fear from words told to her at 5 years old..." I am going to burn that house down...if anyone gets out I will shoot them"...I too have heard those words. It was seemingly a mantra for my father for years after my mother ran with us kids. (Love you for your bravery Mom!). It is stuck with Wee and she truly believes that he can still do that. (He died in 1999) So, I have gathered the information that tells me that staying up to watch while the others at home slept, to watch for trouble from my dad, was something started many years ago. ..would explain needing to stay in and put my head on my desk at elementary school at recess. By high-school another alter emerged. I  was 12. Sleep had been hit and miss until I moved back to home in 2011. Now Wee is...